Messages By: caholloway

My son has been getting into trouble at school over last few months.  First he is a bully and likes it. He told a teacher in school....he likes to be a bully because it gives him power and makes him feel big.  He calls other kids names...even right in the middle of class.  He has pushed a kid down and took a ball on the playground.  Kid sustained bruises.  He has picked on another little boy over a girl he liked but she did not like him.  They are in the third grade mind you.  Last Friday, I received a phone call from a neighbor down the street,  how my son was doing weed with an older boy who lives next door to us.  My understanding was my 7 y.o. son and friend walked into the area and found them smoking weed.  The boys went and told an adult and thats how I got a call.  The older boy is about 16 or 17 y.o. and understood has a wrap sheet already.  Our houses are very close and no restaining order will fit due to how close.  My husband (Step-dad) went to our other neighbor who is a state police officer for advise (off duty of course).  He started investigating and found my 10 y.o. high and then to his friends house across the street.  14 y.o. boy also high.  My 7 y.o. was found clean.  Officer also investigated his daughter who is 13 y.o. and spends alot of time playing with all the kids too.  She was found clean.  Now since the whole street knows....we feel pegged now. We work very important jobs in the community as EMS.  My son doesn't seem to care.  We have taken everything away......anything that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock to get up for school and the light in his ceiling fan to see. He is not allowed outside or with the other kids.  He has been writing sentences since.  Or should I say paragraph.  It doesn't bother him.  I have even made him dig my 6x12 garden area by hand as punishment.  No sweat!  The killer of this whole thing is....he advises he tried it once and didn't like it but pressured his 7 y.o. brother to get his money to buy a $10.00 bag of weed.  The 7 y.o. did not obtain that money.  I have looked into military schools even just for the summer 3 to 6 weeks.  But you have to be rich to do that.  $3000 and up.  I understand he is just starting in the drugs scene....I don't think there is an addiction yet...but how do I stop this now.  What do I do to change this situation.  We have vacations planned for this summer...camping a week in Virginia, flying to Florida for 10 days, Six Flags and a few weekenders.  What do I do then...I don't think he deserves it and I really don't want a druggie going. NOW WHAT TO DO??? 

As an update to the above...We went to counseling yesterday.  The lady was really nice and my son liked her.  He did really well at answering her questions.  I was very surprised.  Anyway,  during the interview process...my son admitted to thoughts of suicide thoughts.  The lady questioned how....with a butcher knife...stabbed in his head.  She replied....boy that is really going to hurt.  He smiled.  Anyway,  the lady advised me..I have punished my child way too much.  She believes children should have behavior modification.........whatever.  My child has been punished without being hit.  I have been so angry...I think I could really hurt him.  He has nothing that runs on electric or batteries, except his alarm clock and ceiling fan light.  He has to write a paragraph I wrote for him 500 times.  The paragraph states his behavior and bad choices and what will happen later if he doesn't change and last it includes how he is learning from this punishment.  He has wrote it 68 times already and can tell you word for word.  He even agrees with it.  He has also dug my garden 6x12 by hand.  No contact with friends or outside.  My child has not been hit and we usually don't.  He's only been slapped a few times in his life...because he was in reach.  I will not chase him.  The counselor thinks I should cut his punishment in half.  DO YOU THINK I AM TOO STRICK?  DO YOU FEEL I SHOULD CUT HIS PUNISHMENT IN HALF?  IF I WAS TO CHANGE IS PUNISHMENT...WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

Thank you for your reply.  Im some ways I think he is over punished too and makes me sad but there are so many other issues to the story.  His real dad has been doing drugs for a long time and even this past  xmas day,  my son walked in on him doing a line of crushed narcotics.  My son thought it was cocaine.  His dad explained how this is a quick effect for his pain.  But if the kids were to crush tylenol or even something really bad and snort it for a headache or such...they could die.  Major issue.  So this is another issue on the table.  So we have severity here.  Took him to court but we still have to share custody and he even gets visitation still.  I do not want my children to be like this.  His father also quites jobs every other week.  I want my children to be sucessful and out of my house before 30.  Not tring to be mean, but that's a reality.  My children are also latche key kids.  The are very well educated on survival and fire and medical issues and taking care of themselves.  They are of higher maturity than most 10 and 7 y.o..    They are more like 9 and 12 or 13 y.o.  They can even cook and clean and house work...laundry, dishwasher, cleans the bathroom, and cutting grass.  Even pulling weeds.  My 10 y.o. even works on a farm occasionally for cash.  This of course is someone we know and he likes it and its fun to him.  These are not chores either.  They do these jobs at free will and make a little cash here and there.  We pay as they do a job...just like work.  They save for vacation or to just go to the store for a new game.   So with this information do you still think a week or two is enough.  Maybe the paragraphs should be decreased.  Yesterday, I showed up at the house when they did not know I was coming.  My son was watching tv and had been playing playstation.  This was within the first 25 minutes of being off the bus.  He can't even follow the simple rules of no tv.  Any suggestions.  I don't ever want to be known as abusing my children.  I just don't want them to go the wrong path.  10 is too soon for this.  I accept all replies even if I disagree.  There maybe a solution I have not found myself.    Thank you in advance.   

I am a hands-off mom.  I believe if you don't teach your children while they are young,  you are going to keep them forever. My sons are 11 and 8 y.o.  They get up everyday for school by their own personal alarm clocks. They make their own breakfast and off to school. I never have to get out of bed.  My boys know the routine well.  After school they use their own house keys to get in...even if I'm home.  The boys come home 15 mins apart.  They know to get their snack and sit and do homework.  They do all their assignments first that they can handle and then ask for help on whats left.  I make dinner 3-4 times a week (depending on work schedules).  Once a week the boys will make a meal. It might be simple one, but they cooked it.  They have mastered....eggs,  grilled cheeses and soup,  raviolis or speghetti,  chicken nuggets/strips and fries, etc.  The point is they are learning responsiblity and they will never go hungry.  After dinner they know to take their showers at their times and they know where the dirties go.  They know their room is to be cleaned before they leave for school or no TV for the entire day.  So they make sure it is done for bed.  They set their alarms and they go to bed when its time.  We are always around and can assist when help is needed.  They are always given a hug and a kiss before bed and told I LOVE YOU. 

My children do not get paid for doing CHORES around the house.  That is their right to live here.  CHORES consist of cleaning their rooms,  making sure their bikes and toys are put away outside, and up keep of their play area in the basement.  Once in a while they vaccum or dust and even take the trash out or unload the dishwasher. 

They do get paid for going above and beyond though. They are taught if you do a good job and work really hard you will get a paycheck.  When my boys work in the garden or pull weeds in the flower beds,  wash our trucks for us,  etc.  They will get a couple of bucks for this.  the yougest boy will even go to the neighbors and ask to pull her weds for $5.00.  The lady paid him $7.00 because he did a great job and she even helped him. 

I don't feel giving them room to grow is wrong.  There are too many in society that choose not to work and bum their entire lives and I refuse to allow my children that path. 

My boys are also educated in other survival skills. they know first aide and CPR.  They know what to do when someone is bleeding or if someone was to fall and how to protect their neck and back.  They know how to call 911 and all their data they will need to tell him.  They can name 5 close friends of the family and their phone numbers in case they ever needed something. My children have been taught about disease and how they could get it and how to stay safe when helping someone else.  I am a NREMT-B and I have prepared my children for life.

This will depend on the child.  11 is just a number.  But has the child been trained to be much older and responsible.  If the child has good understanding on how things work and is able to handle it....then it is ok.  In most states...the laws state 12 on paper but the judges will use an as child basis.  There are 14 to 17 that can't handle this responsibility.  Where they get into trouble and disobey the rules.  The next thing to look at...is there a support system.  Neighbors close by that are home during these times.  A phone list taped to the refrig at all times.  Access to a working phone.  I think it just depends on the child.  Now if this child is really imature and you think they are in danger....you should say something. 

My boys are 11 and 8 y.o. they come separate times and they have it under control.  My boys have even been taken before a judge to become a latcheke kid.  So nothing could be brought against us by outsiders.  (I am a hands-off mom----by caholloway)