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Messages By: txdispatchr
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October 14, 2007, 9:30 am PDT
 Quote From: alexis7 Holding onto anger only hurts the person who is angry. Suing a person you've broken up with gains you nothing but money (which solves nothing) and delays the healing that needs to take place. You're not meant to be with every person you date. Dating is the way you find out if you want to be with that person. If it doesn't work out, walk away, move on in your search. Take that opportunity to learn about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Doing this has definitly helped me in my relationships.
I agree with you to an extent. Holding on to Anger truly does only hurt yourself more than anything. However, these people are not just "dating" and having affairs.. these people are Married. That is a huge difference. I can understand both sides of the story. I was a victim of an affair.. and we have saved our marriage. The other woman was someone who I considered at the time to be my very best friend. In my instance, if my marriage had not survived the affair, I had made specific plans to sue. This is only in my case because of the things my husband was told to persuade him into the affair. He is a grown up and has taken full responsibility for his actions, and we are both guilty of not communicating, but he was being told lies about my affairs and believed them. She knew we were married, had both of us confiding in her because she was my friend after all and used it against both of us. I have forgiven her and my husband. We are not the friends that we used to be, but we communicate briefly from time to time. We are all about moving on and growing from what we learned. It took a lot of work to save my marriage and my sanity, much less my "friendship". It still gets hard at times and I doubt very seriously that we can ever be back where we were before or even if we would want to go back to that.. We are just taking it one day at a time and going from there. My hubby and the other woman have absolutely no contact at all -- still to this day.. and they both know if that trust is broken, then there is no way to repair any of it. Its still hard and the affair occurred over a year between February 2004 and March of 2005. |
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October 19, 2007, 2:50 pm PDT
Quote From: juliebgg I read your story, and I am happy that you saved your marriage. There is something I was concerned about in your post. Why did your husband believe the lies your "friend" told about you instead of believing you?? He should have come to you and told you what this "friend" told him, rather than just believe her lies. It sounds like both you and your husband now realize that, instead of confiding in the "friend" when things were troubled in your marriage, you should have gone to each other. The friend who was the outsider in all of this clearly took advantage of both of you for her own personal gain. I wouldn't evn bother with someone like her. She is manipulative, and not good friend material.
Thank you for your response ... My husband did not speak with me or question me because he didnt want to know the truth. All of that was just an excuse for him to do whatever he wanted and think that he could get away with it. She did put us against each other and did use me to get to him and she used him to get to me. I was having feelings of suspicion with how they would talk on the phone when I was not there. I had phone records and asked him not to call her anymore, that we needed to work on our marriage and felt that she was just causing problems. He promised, but hid his calls. It all came to a head and it was a very hard time for me. They were caught sending messages, phone calls, etc even after he promised that. When I caught him, he cried and truly expected me to kick his ass to the curb. Thankfully we had already started counseling for my children and family long before this, so we started dealing with it. I was afraid that if I contacted her fiance that she would re-direct her anger towards me and my husband. I did not say anything until my husband finally broke down and told me every single detail -- they had started the affair almost a year before I had any questions and that he felt trapped when I would go see her, eat lunch with her, etc. because she would hold that over his head. She could have told me at any time, but did not. She lied to him about being engaged, so I called and compared notes with her fiance who was an old friend of mine. He had wondered what was going on and together we confronted her. My husband got a reality check about what she would say to her fiance about him and would go off. There were so many lies entangled around all three of us that it was hard to start all over again. It has been since June of 2005 and every day we get stronger. I finally have a husband that I can talk to and knows who loves me with his every breath. He knows that he has had his one chance and that is it. We both are committed to our relationship and now that we talk and are truly each other's best friends, our marriage just works. We learn more about each other everyday. I have built up a lot of trust in him from him being accountable for where he is and what he is doing. I also supply that information whenever he questions because we do not have anything to hide. I did not have an affair, but the only thing that we have a a priority now is our relationship with each other and our kids. I do not have much to do with the other woman. I had to forgive her because I try to be a religious person. I cannot be forgiven for anything that I have done if I am not able to forgive people for what they have done to me. IT is truly not something that I would want to go through again, but it taught me so much about myself, my husband and my life. It's crazy, but we were headed on such a downward spiral that the only way we got out of it was this reality check. My husband has owned up to everything that he has done and knows that no amount of talking or apologizing would work. He has proven to me that he is sorry for what he put me and himself through. He has said that he would not disrespect me or himself ever again.
Cassie
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July 30, 2008, 4:23 pm PDT
Long story short, I met my husband and three children (2 girls and a boy) in 1999. The divorce between him and his ex wife went on for a year before I came into the picture. It was final for about a month when I met him. The problem was, even though she walked out on 3 kids.. ages 8, 6 and 3, she felt that she should not be responsible for them at all.. no child support and "visitations" when it was convenient for her. Everything was fine while we were dating and still was ok when I moved in, but when I found out that I was pregnant, it hit the fan. Then a few months later, we got married. During the time we were dating and I moved in, she never picked up the kids for visitations, nor did she pay the court required child support of 200 dollars. She did, however, call and scream at my hubby about not paying her 50 dollars that they settled on for her part of the equity in the house. (It was 5,000 total). I couldnt' believe that the person with the kids was having to pay the other party money when he had the kids full time without any support from her. ?? It only got worse, years later, when the AG's office told her that her child support was going to be raised, we had a nightmare court hearing.. The woman has no ambition at all.. Her total income was 12,000 per year.. so her parents also had to support her... in the hearing, I was made out to be a monster of a step mother, which is totally untrue. She truly messed with the kids heads, saying that they didnt have to mind me, I was white trash, and that I was the reason that she and my hubby were no longer together.. to name a few. She constantly paraded men in and out of the apartment when they were there. We were concerned that one of those men would hurt the older two or at least the influence of her mom acting like that.. meeting a guy at a bar and taking them home wasn't a proper influence. Ok. well after the hell of a court hearing, she went nuts (or even further off the deep end). She moved out of her 2 bedroom apartment that she claimed we "made her get", and into a 1 room hotel room with a "convicted felon' named Charlie. She immediately refused to give us her number to contact the kids and stopped paying child support. The kids were involved in wrecks with injuires, and all sorts of problems, but she refused to acknowledge that she needed to at least contact their father to tell them, even though they lived with him full time. She promised them the moon, about Charlie getting his inheritance and them going to live with her. She truly did a number on them, so needless to say, they refused to behave at home with us. They acted out, did whatever they wanted and truly gave us a hard time, thinking if they misbehaved, they could go live with "mommy". Well, the cops caught up with Charlie, he was sent back to the pen, Annette moved out of the hotel and "found" an apartment thinking we would allow this crap to continue. We had already found another attorney and stopped her visitations until she got her crap together and went to counseling. She was over 7,000 dollars behind in chlld support and medical support, so when we had a court date, she decided that she just wanted to sign over her rights to them. After the court hearing, we allowed her mother and the ex to come and pick up the kids for a few days. Our intention was to NEVER take the kids away from their mother, but felt that she needed supervised visitations and trusted her Mom. BIG mistake. It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We explained to her mom that now that my hubby has total custody, he controls the shots and did not want the kids to be left alone with their mother for the time being. She was caught not following our wishes.... we have given her many chances... and the real problem is that the only time their mother sees them is when their grandmother was down visiting from her home 9 hours away.. so it truly confused the kids. She would act like she just saw them yesterday and didnt ignore their birthdays or christmas... She would also go back to her old ways of doing things, talking crap about me and their daddy, trying to influence them to misbehave and give us a hard time, hoping she could get them back?? She also told the kids that her giving them up was a lie.. so here we have 3 kids that are COMPLETELY confused. We gave her mom and her the option, either come see them here or not have their mom involved in the visitations. If they cannot understand what they were doing to the kids, then they would have to be separte until they wanted to think of the kids first and themselves last. The kids grandmother makes the trip down here once or twice a year, sometimes more, but the kids have not seen nor heard from their mother in over 2 years. Now here's the problem,. Their mother has their stuff. She always refused to let them take their things back and forth as they wished and went as far as to search their backpacks and purses before they left. A large portion of the stuff is what they received from their grandparents and ourselves included.. and not her. She never had any money and often gave the IOU's for christmas presents. The kids have been talking about getting their stuff for the last 2 years. During the visitations with their grandmother, they were afraid to ask about getting their belongings until very recently. I told them that if they wanted their stuff, then to ask their grandma and she can get it for them. If it's gone, then they have to let go of it.. it's just materialistic stuff after all, but still important to them. For the first time, we allowed the kids to go back to the grandmothers home 9 hours away and so far so good. I'm leery of the fact that they have now planned to go "visit" mommy and get their stuff because she still has some of it. I do not want to keep these children from their mother, but from word of mouth, we have only heard that she is still talking crap about us not "letting" her see her kids...when she has not once in the last 2 years, made any attempt to call, write or contact them in anyway. The source is very reliable... my husband has known her since they went to school together in the 2nd grade and all through school. She saw her at an event in the town she lives in near Austin, and talked to her briefly, stating that she was once again with a loser guy who was at least 20 years older than her. (which is her issue, we never held that against her).. I do not want to go back to this drama ridden life we had before and my husband swears that he will not allow her to do that because she no longer has a "hold" over the kids because she gave them up... but I think she does.. She uses their love for her to mess with us and it's sickening. I do think she has a hold over them because she is their mother and even as twisted and psychotic that she is, that's something that can never be changed or "wiped away". Now these are no longer children, they are 17, almost 16, and almost 14. I dont want to deal with it, but I fear the fall out from all of her crap...She does this and then we have the fall out for years with the kids! Our oldest will be a senior this year and has asked me to walk with her on parent night, but wants to invite her mom to her graduation. I'm still very leery about it all. So is my hubby... but he thinks things will be different... Its really hard for me to trust when all of this has happened.. and it's not as if it's just anybody, these are the kids I have raised as my own for years.... I dont want them to be hurt... Does anybody have any ideas??? HELP!??!!!! |
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July 31, 2008, 1:25 am PDT
Quote From: lutt0031 You are so upset about my reactions. What is your situation that you don't get what I am saying? She should know her place. If you don't care of what you have you run the risk of losing it. Marriage is a two way street. He tried for years trying to deal with her mood swings and her selfishness. Then he decided he wanted a life, too. Why should I feel badly for her? She should know her place. He is going to be with me. She will, very soon, be the exwife. She had her chance to have her say...she blew it. As far as his kids are concerned...time will heal them and they will eventually accept me or NOT. I am very good for their father so unless the shrew wife continues to try and brainwash them into thinking she is the perpetual victim we have a good chance at a relationship, the kids, that is. I have no question about my relationship with HIM. I would truly like to know how you are doing now, almost 3 years later with this man. DId it work out? Are you now in the same position as his ex wife was? To be brutally honest, when you say she blew it and should know her place.. that's the reason I had to respond. Her husband blew it by staying in such a "horrible" relationship. If he was truly that unhappy, then he should have done the right ADULT thing and left...LONG before he got into a relationship with you. I can bet and am probably right that his kids will never get over the divorce and will just learn to live with it. That's not something that kids just recover from like the flu.. and if he did go to you, I am positive they will think you did it and you were the reason their parents broke up. This is why people who do not want to work on the marriage should do the right thing and leave before their children are involved in all of this. Its hard enough with divorced parents, but to deal with this ADULT crap too? it's too much for them to comprehend regardless of their age. I sincerely hope that you have created a life with HIM and have been able to develop a good or at least workable relationship with his children and their mother. God Bless..
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July 31, 2008, 1:43 am PDT
Quote From: brykoda I'm with this guy that I've been with for three years. He's seven years younger then me and everytime his friends are around he treats me like dirt. If I call him when he's with them he yells at me and acts like I just rainned on his day, but when he comes home he doesn't understand why I'm mad!!! He tells me all the time his friends hate me, but I'm never around them and don't talk bad about them. It's so bad now that I'm not allowed to go anywhere with him, call him or even text him. If I go out with my friends he comes unglued at me and trys to ground me like a little kid. He acts like a jerk when his not home, but the minute he walks through the door he acts like I'm his world as long as I'm doing everything that he ask. I'm to the point I'm about to pack his things and just be done with it. I can't take this anymore.
Please tell me what ya'll think, am I just being stupid and selfish or should I call this off? My first thought is, why does he act the way he does away from home, but when he is there with you, he acts so differently. I know that the first part of my marriage, I felt very similar. I didn't think he really wanted me around. I would try to call him while he was at work *hes a deputy sheriff* and I would either get his voicemail or be told that he was busy. Come to find out he was having an affair with my best friend. It was the hardest thing that I EVER have had to deal with. We decided to stay together if he broke off all contact with her, which he did, and we havent' looked back. I can truly say that now, 3 years later, he truly loves me and treats me like "his queen". There is no more of the disrespect or bad treatment. He would talk with her, she would tell him lies about me and he felt he didnt know me. That is absolutely no excuse for the affair, but without communication in our marriage, we both allowed it to break down to the point of an outsider coming in and almost destroying it. You have to tell him how you feel and see if anything changes. There is no point in living any longer in a relationship where you are miserable. I do not think you are being selfish or stupid. You must take up for yourself. If you decide to leave or decide to stay it's up to you and only you. You can choose to live this way for the rest of your life or choose to make a change. One thing I learned through all of my grief is that you cannot change the other person. You have to make small changes in yourself. I was so desperate, I would buy every self help book as well as marriage/relationship repair book that I saw. The one thing that was constant was the fact that you can only change you. From your post it's hard to see if you two are ever able to do anything together. That is one thing that we have put into perspective, is that we must have date night and spend special times together. It's not good that his friends hate you or talk bad about you-especially since they do not know you. It makes me wonder what he's saying to them. You have put 3 years of your life into this relationship and if you want it to work, you really will have to try, but if not, count your losses and move on. Being single isnt as bad as it seems and you will live life on your own terms then. I hope it all works out for you. Take care of YOU..
Cassie |
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July 31, 2008, 2:18 am PDT
Quote From: loring I met my husband through Match/Kiss.com. Next month is our 5th wedding anniversary and we are as happy and loving today as the day we married. I was looking for a Christian man and my husband is in seminary now.
If you are meeting the wrong kind of guys from my experience it is because your ad needs to be fixed. Maybe you should rethink what you wrote. I met about six men before meeting my husband and yes some lied in their ad (says 6' actually 5'5') but nobody promises that the first person you meet would be "the one". One piece of advise: I always got there first and left last. When meeting for the fist time I had friends sitting at the next table for my safety and asked their opinion of the guy after he left.
Wow, I never knew. Before I met my husband online (love@aol.com in 1999), I met a few people and had some friends, but never truly took anything very seriously. I met my husband and we started chatting and things just connected. It was also months before I would meet him in person. I was very lucky because I was stupid in that I met him at his house. BUT, I thought it would be safe because his kids were there, which it all worked out fine. We were married in 2000 and are still going strong. We work in law enforcement and have 5 kids (1 together, 3 from his prior marriage and 1 from my prior marriage).
I agree with what you do when you meet people. Especially now, you have to be smart. Like I said, I was very fortunate that I met a good man that wasn't a psycho. I also had known that he was a cop and talked to him at work, so that helped a little. Whoever is trying to meet people online... good luck. Be safe.. Don't be as naieve as I was. I got lucky.. I was safe and it worked out... not many can say that.
God Bless |
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July 31, 2008, 10:58 pm PDT
I am not in San Antonio, but about an hour to an hour 1/2 away. I live in the hill country around Austin. I am a married mom of 5 kids... we're a mixed family - I have 3 step children 17, 15 & 13 and 2 daughters of my own.. 16 and 8.
If anyone wants to chat.. please email me at txdispatchr@gmail.com ...
God Bless & Have a great day! |
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July 31, 2008, 11:14 pm PDT
Quote From: upset_mom I would just like to say that I know how you feel...I had the same thing happen to e a few weeks back. My very best friend of 10 years slept with a guy that I was interested in. I don't know what your friend did but I do know this...If she/he is your true friend then you should definitely give them a chance to explain...Real friends are hard to come by and I know that I wouldn't just leave my friend hanging like that...there will b bigger things to overcome, so give them the benefit of a doubt. Hello.. I know exactly how you feel... but my betrayal cut deeper.. I was betrayed by my best friend of 10 years with my husband for over a year. They had an affair where it began as a "booty call" and ended with her trying to get him to divorce me and marry him. (She was already engaged). Now I have a very hard time meeting new people and trusting anyone of them around my husband. I don't want to be the one to introduce him to his next fling. I am building up my trust, but that is an area that I believe will take many more years so that I feel comfortable. The thing is, I introduced them and since she was also a cop (like my husband) and wanted to "learn" more about the street, I trusted both of them enough to do "ride a longs" and that's when the trouble started. Am I ever going to feel secure enough to have a friend and not wonder if she's letting my husband know that she's "available"? I didnt think that my ex best friend would do this, and to be honest, I felt she was too ugly for him.. which is mean, but when we met, he was very picky about the people he went out with.. and their looks. I know that my husband would never stray again because he knows it would be the end..and we have worked so hard to build it back up... and frankly, now he acts completely different.. he's totally into me where before, I knew he loved me, but he never really showed it. I just do not want to be around a female that would "offer" it up to him like my ex best friend did.. knowing my husband, that's the only way he went for it -- was because she made the first move.. He may have done it before with a stranger, but not with someone I was best friends with, that could tell me.. does that make sense? How do you find someone and gain that trust to where you dont always wonder..?? I also trusted her because her first husband cheated on her with his secretary. It made me think that she wouldn't do that to someone if she'd been through it before. Anyway, an old friend just moved back to the area and I really want to rebuild a friendship with her. We went to college together 20 years ago. I want to be friends, but will I always wonder ??? |
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