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Messages By: peachytia
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June 6, 2007, 12:07 pm PDT
 Quote From: killdoze1 Well, I've haven't done much of this message board stuff in the past and I'm not quite sure on how to get started, so I'll just throw my question out there. I am currently in a serious, monogomous relationship with someone who couldn't be better for me (let's call him Lou). He has all the qualities I want in a guy (funny, caring, sensitive successful, handsome, just to name a few) and doesn't have any that I don't (he doesn't smoke or drink, isn't religious, feels the same way about children, etc.). I started dating Lou as my first serious relationship was disintigrating; at the time, I thought he would be the "rebound" guy, but I found that we have so much in common, I feel so happy when I think about us being together, and I very much look forward to spending time with him.
My question is this...sometimes I wonder whether or not what I feel is "true love." I've heard some people say that if it's right, you just know it; others say that's a load of bull and that no relationship is like the fairy tales. However, I worry sometimes that because I have to wonder about how I feel, that it's not the right thing after all. On the other hand, the idea of not being with Lou makes me very sad and lonely. We have been touching upon the subject of engagement rings and I worry that we may be jumping into things too fast (our 1 year anniversary is in mid-October). I also worry that if we do get engaged, I would feel like we HAD to stay together. Do you see my dilemma? All this back and forth is driving me crazy!
What I am most wondering is whether or not anyone else has felt/feels this way. If so, how did the relationship turn out? Was/is it successful? I suppose I'm looking for encouragement, but what I really want are people's honest and open opinions and comments about past and/or present relationships. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated. I think that going over things in my head is partly contributing to my severe anxiousness and that a different outlook on things will be a huge help. Thanks very much to anyone who replies!! I was in a serious relationship with a guy for three years, up until my 2nd year of college. Of course we were young and both wanted to experience the world before we made any commitments so we broke up and got back together several times. We never stopped loving each other though, and the fire was always there even if we had just broken up. The last time we got togther, things were going really great, and we had decided that we were ready to have a committed relationship together. A few weeks later, he gets a phone call from a girl he saw while we were apart, and then he just tells me we aren't going to work because he still has feelings for this other girl. So I was really hurt and went on my way.
My mom introduced me to another guy a few days after my breakup. I was on the rebound, I thought, but I ended up having a lot of fun with this new guy. We spent a lot of time together, had the same goals, ambitions, dreams for the future, religious background, and even our families were a lot alike. The new guy and I dated for 4 months and then we got engaged. After that, he started to let his true colors come out. He started getting jealous over nothing. I felt like I was stuck because we were engaged, and my parents had already started planning the wedding. We got engaged in March and were getting married in July of the same year. I went on with the engagement and did indeed marry him hoping things would change.
Two days after our marriage, things did change...for the worst. He became possessive, controlling, insecure, mentally abusive, demanding. He was a total stranger. I tried for 9 months to make the marriage work, but I was miserable the whole time. Everyday, I woke up knowing that the guy I married was just a rebound, and I still missed my ex. Now I'm divorced and I saw my ex a few weeks ago, and we started talking again. I found out why he dumped me, and it was only because the other girl said she was pregnant, and he wanted to be a good father.
Now, because I married a rebound on a whim, I'm 22 and going through a divorce. Luckily, I have no children, and my ex and I are back together doing great this time around.
If you are really considering marrying the new guy that you thought was just a rebound, give yourself some space (ie, a few days away from him to think by yourself, or a vacation alone) to think about is he really the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with. The saying is true that if you love somebody, let them go for a while, and if they come back, you know it is meant to be. |
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June 6, 2007, 12:35 pm PDT
Quote From: leah91 I am 22 years old and my bf and I have been together for 6 yrs now. We have a 20 month old together and I am wondering why he won't marry me. We live together and want to build a business together but for a partnership legally we have to be married. I engaged him and he acts as though since he didn't do it it doesn't count. A simple justice of the peace marriage would suit me but he says I'm rushing him and he wants his own house and car and evrerything but to me those things can't happen cause we're not financially secure right now and if he wants a huge wedding later when we are that's fine. My dad has given us permission to stay at his place and even build our own house on the land. Why won't he see things the way I do and marry me? How do I get him to understand that our marriage is not only for us but for our son to make a stable family life. I want more kids as does he but I'm not giving in until we're married! Wow, This sounds like a very familiar story. My best friend since grade school is in the same situation as you. As her best friend, I keep telling her to let it go. If after 6 years of living together and having a little boy together, The guy should really know if she is who he wants to marry. For her guy, though, he cheats a lot and that is why he won't marry her. She just forgives him every time, and never kicks him out or breaks up with him or anything. He is the only guy she has ever been with and she feels obligated to him especially since they have a child together. The guy had another daughter before him and my friend were together so she feels connected to the little girl too. I honestly thing that if you are ready for marriage, then you should go for it. After 6 years of dating the same person and never breaking up, he should know if he wants to be with you or not. Chances are, he's still unsure, or looking for something else. I know it is depressing, but somethings in life you should be able to have, and happiness is one of those few things. |
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June 6, 2007, 12:58 pm PDT
Quote From: luv2ski215 i am a 40 yr old divorced woman (married 18 yrs) with 2 grown children one still living at home. i have been dating a 43 year old man with no children who has never been married. he is a good guy who has old fashioned values and has lived the single lifestyle almost all of his life. he has been in 2 or so long term relationships in which he tells me they have cheated on him. he has a m.s. (multiple sclerosis) but this was not an issue for me. my problem is that he has alot of single female friends that he enjoys spending time with. this has been an issue from the start of the relationship....8 months now. we were at a point in our relationship where he was hinting of moving in together...but this issue has not been resolved. he has lied to me about seeing them in the past. he says they are just friends....i asked him not to spend time alone with them unless i am there and we see them as a couple....he has a major issue with this so much so it has destroyed our relationship.his response always is (what am i supposed to tell them? i cant see them because you dont like it?) he has alot of couple friends that i really like alot and a good amt. of male friends...but he tends to drift back to these women...all who he says have boyfriends who "trust him" and dont have issues with it. (one did as he slipped and mentioned the boyfriend was "insecure" about it at one point but is ok now with it.) i told him that i could not deal with it as if he knows how i feel about it and continues to do it...that my feeling was that he is more willing to hurt my feelings than theirs. i told him if they were true friends they would understand....he tells me he has discussed this with them and they dont understand me.....i told him they have been single all thier lives.......they never will. my question is.....am i kidding myself that this is going to work? and am i wrong to believe that he shouldnt be spending time alone with these women when he is in a committed relationship? would appreciate all views.........thanks.........luv2ski215 Hi, I know that this isn't the answer that you want, but I think that you should ease up on him a bit. I am young yes, and I have had my share of cheaters, but relationships are based on trust, honesty, and passion. Trust is the main hey in a relationship. With your situation, you either 1: don't trust him as much as you say, or 2: are very insecure. I have some girl friends, but mostly all of my friends were guys before I got married. My now ex-husband hated me even talking on the phone to the guys that I have know since grade school that I have never had anything other that a platonic relationship with. I've never kissed these guys, dated these guys, or had one night stands with these guys. That is part of the reason why I got divorced before I was married a year. If your boyfriend has female friends, so what. This is 2007, not 1907. Sure men will be men, but they aren't all the same. As long as he's still coming home at night to you without lipstick all over his boxers or his t-shirt, then you have nothing to worry about. If that does happen, you know he isn't right for you anyway. Its better to find out now that after marriage. Also, life is too short to be stressing over things you cannot control. If a man wants to cheat, he will whether you tell him he can hang out with his girlfriends or he has to make up stories to get out of the house to do it. |
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