Messages By: lyrica

How do you deal with a relationship with a partner who has children from a previous relationship? 

 

I should start by saying that the "children" aren't children anymore. One is 18 and the other 21 with a husband and child of her own.  The 21 year old obviously has a life and relationship which holds the majority of her attention, as it should be, and isn't really making waves in our relationship anymore.  The 18 year old, well, where should we begin?!  This girl will go to ANY length to come between our relationship.  She used to live with us when she was 14/15/16 but chose to leave at that point because we had rules she didn't like.  She was required on one occasion to bathe before going out to a public function and she decided that she would live with the other parent who had no such rule.  Actually, the other parent really has no rules of any kind which is likely where her problems are rooted.  No rules; no responsibilities, no consequences for bad behavior; just free reign. But back to the topic... whenever this child (either one really but especially this one) says jump my partner pretty much says how high, for how long and what else may I please do for you to win you back... now if these were actually still children, I could possibly understand and not feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach over and over again, but the children are legally adults and should be able to make simple decisions without mommy and daddy standing over them.

 

So, not just the children come before our relationship but the ex does as well.  Anything the three of them do and/or say is written in stone with gold and to hell with me and our relationship.  When I dare to point any of this out I'm told by my partner that I just need to understand that I walked into previously existing relationships that will always be the priority. 

 

Well, the person I fell in love with was the person who pursued me, turned off the cell phone and acted as though the rest of the world vanished when we were together.  Once I returned the affections and entered the relationship, I became little more than an accessory just along for the ride.  I'm always second best, if not third, fourth or now with a grandchild, fifth and our relationship is apparently not worth anything more that the title.  If we have plans and one of them calls even seconds before that plan begins, the plan is trashed and whatever they wanted is done while I stay home alone because my presence is upsetting to them. Who cares if I'm upset but the Earth may fall off it's axis if one of them frowns for a moment.  And on the two occasions when we actually did go on with the plan, the ex called our home to berate both of us and call my partner an unfit parent. 

 

So, I believe with all my being that I know this answer already, but am I completely wasting my time with this?  Should I just cut my losses of almost 5 years and just end it?  Am I selfish for asking to be important to the person I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life with???

what do you do when the troubled teen is now 18 and doesn't live with you anymore??? what can be done to "fix" this "broken child" who the law now looks at as an adult, but doesn't act even remotely like an adult??  and what do you do when the child isn't even yours but you are in a relationship with one of the parents!?!  when i read the advice pages about discipline and presenting a united front and boundaries i just wish i could turn back the clock and call these two everyday and say, "your totally screwing this up and you won't get another chance!" but we all know that isn't possible.  so now that it has been screwed up, royally screwed up, and this "child" who grew up with no rules, no boundaries, no consequences for horrible behaviors; was handed absolutely everything, worked for nothing, places no value on anything because there was always a replacement on the way with one simple tantrum, how does this person become anything positive in our society?  she insists on constant drama of any and all kinds and will stop at nothing to make everyone around her miserable.  so now what??? is it too late???

you're absolutely right, the Bible does state that. however, if you would have acknowledged my point that it was only stated by other mortals, never actually in any of the "quotes" from God himself, then you would also have to consider that the things you've been programmed to believe may have been inaccurately interpreted.  it's a scary thought, I totally understand.  I've been there.  I did however 'learn God's word' as you suggested, about 15 years ago when I studied the origin of religion and can quote anything you'd like to hear from any of them, including Christianity and the book (the Bible) that it uses as it's reference.  saying that 'it's sick' to be homosexual is a mortal judgment which that particular book plainly states is a sin so does that mean that you will now also be sentenced to an afterlife in hell for betraying your religion?  i doubt it.  only in a MORTAL INTERPRETATION does it say ANYTHING about homosexuality.  perhaps I'm not the one who needs to study further as the degrees on my wall point out that I already have.  in fact, since the English version you've likely learned was interpreted from another language which uses words that have no directly translatable word in English, some entire passages were created by the Roman Catholic gentlemen who translated it for us as to make the point that was previously stated with just one word.  and remember that even God himself "revised" that Bible from the Old to the New testament.  how many further revisions do you think it may have gone through over  the last several thousand years since the mortals wrote it down?  and since you seem to be decided that not a single word in the Bible should be questioned, do you think we should have all football players put to death in a public stoning because they are touching the skin of  a swine on Sunday?  i didn't think so. reserve judgment of all things, especially those you don't understand.  if you really believe that with all the horrible hate crimes, discriminations and overall ignorance homosexuals face everyday from self proclaimed "Christians" that it's something they would actually choose, well I would have to wonder about the education level of a person who would make that statement. question EVERYTHING for that is the only real path to truth.

...well, i can't say that this is "normal" but i can tell you from experience that when it happened in my previous relationship, it was a very new relationship.  months later the problem seemed to take care of itself... he too didn't want to talk about it at the time, but months later told me that it was kind of like a "performance anxiety" issue.  he was afraid that he would not be pleasing to me and the fear of rejection just completely "killed the mood" and made him retreat, so to speak.  rather than making him talk about it at the time, i learned other ways of finding sexual pleasure with him (besides penetration) until one day it just happened naturally.  we had a great sexual relationship and both learned new things along the way.  once college was over we split due to the long distance between us, but we remain friends.  we even joke about it occasionally!  hang in there and get creative so that he doesn't dwell on the issue and hopefully it'll work itself out!

so was it just me or did you want him to have a guest (not that any of them would ever lower themselves to take part) who was one of those girls we all know who think that they are the reason there is air?!?!  i'm not saying that i'm a vogue model or anything, but i'm over 6 feet tall, blond with blue eyes, double d's that i was born with, not purchased... not god's gift, but not in need of a bag over my head either... i get SO tired of these spoiled little "mine doesn't smell" attitudes that i could just wretch!!!  and what have they ever accomplished on their own that should make me admire them in the first place???  everything you wear is wrong in their opinions, your car isn't good enough, your house isn't big enough, your job isn't right and you couldn't possibly know anything even though you have a higher education level than they do... does anyone else know one of these "special little gifts"?????  you know the ones, you've passed them in a store or on the street and gotten one of those "what are you doing in my way" looks... i would have loved to hear Dr P give one of his "get over yourself" talks to just one of them!!!!

 

had to get that off my chest! :)

This post is for a young user named "para2007" whom I had previously posted an answer to... It would appear that our entire conversation has been removed so I can only hope that you saw what I said to you.  I was under the impression that this was a place for controversial topics and open conversations but I suppose I was misinformed.  I wish for you only the best in your most trying time and may you find peace within yourself for that is truly what matters in a happy life.  I will never forget you in my own quest. 

This post is for a young user named "para2007" whom I had previously posted an answer to... It would appear that our entire conversation has been removed so I can only hope that you saw what I said to you.  I was under the impression that this was a place for controversial topics and open conversations but I suppose I was misinformed.  I wish for you only the best in your most trying time and may you find peace within yourself for that is truly what matters in a happy life.  I will never forget you in my own quest.