Messages By: shawneos1

In the case of Shawne and Randall: Shawne is NOT a victim...she says this. She knew Randall was gay before they married so she can't whine now. A person is what they are and I believe that you are born that way. My objection is in bringing children into this sham of a marriage so that they wind up paying the price for your poor choice in marrying a gay person, knowing that person can't change.

Regarding homosexuality itself and the verses in the Bible: here's my question: God does NOT make mistakes! Therefore, if you are born gay, and God doesn't make mistakes, how can you be damned for being what you were born to be?? To me, that's like damning someone for being born with a birth defect. (and, no, I'm NOT equating being gay with a birth defect...it is just an example.)

I also have a serious problem with gay people lying so they can marry straight people to hide behind, and then having kids whose lives will be torn up on down the road when the person finally comes out! It is one of the most selfish things they can do!

I keep saying this: know someone BEFORE you take that long walk down the aisle! There's a good article on www.grammytree.blogspot.com called "Before You Say I Do" in the Feb posts.

Natalie and Robert: Wow! How can a man expect his wife to have any respect for him when he acts like a rebellious, lazy teenager who wants to play all day? He needs a J.O.B.! It's amazing how people want to demand respect, but haven't a clue about how to earn it.

I wonder what he will do when his inheritance is all gone.

Who knows...he may succeed in getting his book published...I'm all for following your passion...but, meanwhile, he needs to stay rooted in reality and bring some income into the home! You CAN do both!

I also am a writer and have had things published. I'm an artist and a photographer who has sold many of my pieces. I've driven race cars and have done lots of fun things.....all the while raising three kids alone, and often working THREE jobs at the same time. Tired? Oh yeah...but these things invigorated me and I always found time for them. It's a matter of prioritizing.

I am born and raised and live in Manhattan, about a half block from where the Stonewall Riot happed that started Gay Pride day.  Now, I saw this woman on TV just now, and I wanted to reach into the screen and shake her.  What part of BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND DENIAL doesn't she get?  First of all, that guy would not have to be an interior decorator, and he wouldn't have to able to sew, and he wouldn't have to be talented enough to design my WEDDING GOWN for me to SEE THAT HE IS GAY.  The second he opened his mouth, I could tell he wasGay!  Top that with the interior decorator/sewing/wedding gown deseign.. AND THEN MALE PORNO MAGS IN THE CAR???!!!  I AM SOOOO SORRY...I grew up in the 70's, with threesomes and all kinds of drugs and wild stuff...very libral things...HOWEVER, I draw the limit at sleeping with a man who likes to get it in the you-know-what.  I AM SO SORRY....HOW THE HECK COULD THE QUEEN OF DENIAL SLEEP IN THE SAME BED WITH THAT MAN, OR EVEN LOOK AT HIM IN THE EYE AGAIN, AFTER SHE SAW THAT HE HAD GAY MALE PORNO MAGS IN HIS CAR???  Because if they were in the care, obviously he was either doing it, or thinking of doing it, and I would NEVER sleep with a man who wanted to have  any kind of sex with another man.  SORRY.  My best friend is a gorgeous Gay man, who looks like a model.  HOWEVER, I wouldn't want any husband or lover of mine shacking up with a guy.  That would be gross.  HOW COULD THAT WOMAN BE SO BLIND???!!!  I am so glad, Dr Phil just brought up the subject with her, of denial.  HOW COULD SHE MEET THIS GUY AND NOT SEE HE'S GAY THE SECOND HE OPENED HIS MOUTH???  I COULD TELL!  HOW COULD SHE HAVE KIDS WITH A GAY MAN.  HOW COULD SHE BE SEXUALLY AROUSED BY SOMEONE WHO IS SUCH A FLAT-OUT NELLY (that is my best friends word, for what he calls a guy like that, and he is a Gay man, and he is NOT a Nelly AT ALL).  Why would such a pretty lady be so DESPERATE???

Thank you for your input...since you are Shawne, the wife of this man, you should know what you are talking about. I understood you to say you did know he was gay...but, you say you didn't so I can't argue with that.

Men CAN learn to (and be good at) sewing, cooking, etc. without being gay!  My son is a great example of that. Because I worked so much and raised my kids alone, he HAD to learn to iron and do laundry if he wanted clean clothes, go grocery shopping, help with household chores, and cook, and so did his two sisters! (he didn't do any sewing, but only because it wasn't necessary.)

 I let him know that she who possesses the "inside plumbing" is not automatically locked into domestic chores any more than he who owns the "outside plumbing" is entitled to be coddled and waited on!! 

 I taught him to do these things so he could be independent. A man does not have to be gay to do things like this. More mothers ought to teach their sons not to be lazy oafs around the house and expect to be exempt from helping out significantly!  I didn't want him to get married just to have some woman take care of him!

He and his wife have been happily married for 26 years and she loves it that he's a help rather than a burden around the house. He owns his own successful business and is very busy with that, his wife works 40 hours a week, too...so they both help each other with everything.

I'm sorry your husband deceived you about his sexual orientation....that stinks! And I know you wouldn't trade your children for anything....but, if you would have known ahead of time the truth about him, I don't think you would have chosen to have children with him. He owed you the opportunity to have made that choice. That's all I'm saying.

Also, if you read my post, you surely saw that I said the exact same thing as you: "God made these people the way they are, and God doesn't make mistakes!!"

I wish you both well.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience.  It sounds like you've had more than your share of sadness, and I wonder if that 20 years of a happy marriage you talk about was really happy.  From what you are saying here it doesn't seem like it, but then you are only talking about one aspect of it.  Perhaps on the whole it was still happy.

I think a lot of people believe that when we gay men marry women it is only for a 'cover'.  For me (and many I've talked to) that isn't the case.  For me, I tried to live the life that I thought God wanted me to live, and that meant being straight.  When I met my wife I did love her.  Was I "in love" with her?...that's hard to say.  What I do know is that I never had the sexual attraction to her that I had for a man.  But I was able to have sex with her and satisfy her and I figured that was enough.  I didn't count on the gay not going away.  Ever.  We gay men who get married usually love our wives.  But it is small consolation to our wives who want to be loved in ways that we are incapable of loving them.  My wife was not a cover, she was my friend.  But my thinking was still twisted by religion back then, and so I kept the gay hidden.  I took it as my duty to protect my wife from this secret, for after all, why should she have to suffer because of what I feel?  (I see now how arrogant that is.  She is a strong woman and the right thing to do would have been to be up front with her.  We were both naive too, though, and I suspect that we would have gotten married anyway, thinking I could change, and then wound up in this boat anyway, but at least she would not have been blind-sided).

"Cover" or friend, I still broke her heart.  And my own too.  When you say "Please guys, live your real life" I wish someone could have gotten that through to me before I caused all this pain.  But they didn't, and the only thing I can do now is try to make things right from here on in.

This is a big one for people who demonize gay people...and even for those who don't, but lack understanding.

Is it okay for kids to know your straight?  Why?  It's none of their business what mom and dad do in the bedroom, so they should NOT be allowed to know that mom and dad are straight.

Ridiculous, right?

But it's the same thing with gay parents.  When I decide to tell my kids that I am gay (and I will be telling them before they are 12), I will not be telling them what I do in the bedroom.  Just like for straight people, what we do in the bedroom is only one part of our relationship.  What my kids will be allowed to know is that if and when dad falls in love, it will be with a man. 

It seems kids are better able to handle this news when they are younger.  Many kids of gay parents who weren't told until they were older felt resentful that they weren't told, and felt like they never really knew that parent.

For people who think gay is only about where you stick certain body parts, it will never be okay to tell the kids.  For people who know gay is about who you are capable of falling in love with, then the issue of what to tell the kids becomes a lot more similar to what to tell kids when you are straight.

Shawne,

When you first found out about Randall how did you get through those first days/weeks?  My husband of 19 years and friend for more than 30 years has suddenly come to the realization that he is gay.  He says that he never felt comfortable inside himself, and that he felt something was wrong.  He is a very kind, good man and tried to live the lifestyle he thought he should.  I was his second wife, no children from his first marriage, but we have 3 teenagers.  This sudden change on his part has left me devastated.  He feels that his life up to now has been a lie---and now I feel that my life has been a lie, too.  I know that he loves me and I love him and feel badly for him---but I am just crushed.  I want to be able to co-parent as well as you and Randall seem to do----but how do you get to that point?

Thanks.