Messages By: merganthe

being Ladylike has nothing to do with actual motherhood.  Enough with the Madonna comparison.  Time to GET REAL about the job.  I've been puked on, peed on, pooped on, experienced bouts of explosive vomiting, food dumped all over the place, and that's just with one child.  I sympathize with those who have gone through baby & toddlerhood more than once.  I have immense respect for those mothers who have more than a single child.    

As for nursing in a restroom --- UM -- where does one sit?  On the dirty floor?????  I haven't been in any rooms of rest with comfy & clean chairs lately.  Are there any that exist in the mundane world?   "Somewhere you can have privacy"   Try that little feat with arms full of hungry child in a public locale such as a mall or elsewhere.  It's extremely difficult to do.    

My munchkin just turned two and she's a real angel despite her rough health history.  She's severely allergic to milk.  Because of this, we are still a nursing couple.  It has it's ups and downs, but overall, she's healthier, more secure, and better nurished than any other option.   She was on a 60-90 minute feeding schedule when she was an infant, so we had to nurse in public.   

Once she outgrew her preemiehood at 12 months, we rarely did so.  She HATED having her head covered, and very insistent about pushing up my shirt to place her hand on my breast.  We just went to the comfy car with the nice a/c.   LIfe was much easier that way. 

This past week, I was travelling in Paris environs with hubby, tot, & mum-in-law.  Well, we nursed in public.  VERY PUBLIC.  Posh places like the Mars room at Versailles, Notre Dame Cathedral, Musée de Cluny, the RER train, a boat on the Seine river, oh, and my favorite.... Musée d'Orsay where she zonked out and we put her in a soft backpack then carried her through the museum. 

  Thankfully, everyone we encountered was much less judgemental than some on here.  My child was peaceful, calm, and rested in some very stressful places thanks to being able to nurse.  I am a large breasted woman and those very nice slitted shirts actually show more and require intense fussing with, than just bringing up the bottom and tucking everything around my child's mouth.  Covering her head would have been ridiculous.  The only time anything was in danger of 'showing' was when she was attaching herself onto the nipple.  But that's what's large hubby's are for -- to block lookyloos who can't control themselves.  No skin ever showed -- Can't say that about the Teenyboppers and fat older women going around braless in tank tops. 

To answer someone's snide questions about teeth and when to stop...  I really don't know what the issue is about teeth.  She got hers around 10 months -- 4 at one time.  She had gone through the guppy biting phase at 6 months and learned to open her mouth when mommy asked her to.  We dealt with it and moved on.  

Regarding stopping --  I figure we'll be done by next year at age 3.  Hopefully, her milk allergy will have lessened (no it's not lactose intolerance) and she'll be big enough to fill in the nutritional blanks with more food.   Since we're not currently travelling with its inherent stresses, it's only 3 times a day anyway.  No biggie.      

I sincerely doubt that ANY babies/children died because their mothers couldn't provide formula.  Don't start  a rumor that you can't back up with facts please. Urban myths aside, I did hear a woman worry that she only had one more can of formula for her baby.  Not one mention afterwards of starving babies at all.   

 I would be more concerned about contaminated water mixing with formula than running out of the stuff.  It's one of the primary reasons in third world regions that WHO supports breastfeeding as long as possible.   

I'm glad blending with formula is turning out well for you and your family.  I just wanted to point out that for many women, this solution can be very problematic and can actually be detrimental to successful nursing.  Check out Laleche.org and Kellymom.com if you don't believe me. 

I have a close friend who did this with her son. In public and when her husband wanted to feed him, her son was bottle fed. All other times, he nursed from her.  When he was 4 months old, he had enough of the switch between formula and breast milk.  He stopped breastfeeding in one day and permanently chose the bottle with its immediate gratification.  She tried to encourage him during the next week, but that was the end of their breastfeeding.  

I suspect that he began his 3 month growth spurt and because she augmented with formula instead of pumping, her milk production remained the same as when he was a newborn.  Her letdown (which had never been quick) slowed down.  So he decided he had enough of switching and made a decision.    

My daughter was the complete opposite.  She was a tiny preemie who worked hard to nurse.  During her first week out of NICU, I had to give her breaks from sucking with a tiny medicine cup of expressed milk. And then we'd begin again.   

It was very difficult for me to let down.   

(premature c-section delivery with her spending 12 days in NICU and solely pumping basically guaranteed difficulties-- If I hadn't done extensive research beforehand, I would have given up out of frustration.  Education does make a difference.  Unlike my friend, we don't get WIC supplementing our baby's food cost.  The high cost of formula ADDS up quickly!!) 

 My husband would feed her pumped milk during her first 90 days of life to give me a break from the 60-90 minute schedule she demanded & required.  Around 4 months old, she started refusing the bottle and would have nothing to do with it at all.  She never would take a bottle from me anyway.  Then or now.  

 It didn't  really matter.  Breastfeeding in public no longer makes me uncomfortable.   I guess at age 38, I don't really care much what strangers think of my behavior anyway.  I've seen so much misbehavior from others, that whatever I do, is mild in comparison.  I  wouldn't mind having a private nursing room if one was available.  I think it would be nice to have quiet area away from loud distracting events and crowds.  I'd enjoy meeting others caring for young children too.  What a way to share knowledge face to face while relaxing.   I'm not a militant mommy, just one who wanted to feed my child LONG BEFORE SHE GETS UPSET.  And it is so much easier to find a spot to sit & tuck my baby's head under my shirt than see the mix & shake fussing game of the formula crowd.  :) 

My suggestion to women who don't want to nurse in public is to express milk beforehand with a good pump suited to you.  There's lots of products to help store milk in the Fridge/freezer.  

 Then use a bottle that has the closest shape and texture to skin as you can find.  Unfortunately, it seems that instead of making a baby suck harder to drink, bottle manufactures just make rubber nipple holes larger.  So an easy going lazy baby could easily learn to prefer the non-working modern way of bottles.  

 This will keep your milk production at a steady level and actually increase when your child grows needing more for each stage in development. 

hth 

M.   

Thank you for your polite reply.  I didn't get a chance to watch tv much over here, but have been reading the reports through online newspapers (NY Times, Washington Post, Seattle Times) and magazines  (Time & Newsweek). Those reports appear to be much different than what you've watched.   I haven't read about anyone's personal experience going through such a tragedy as watching a baby die from dehydration.   I really am inclined to doubt the --- "I heard it through this that someone knew someone" type of annecdotal evidence.  Sorry to be such a doubting Thomas.  I've just learned to give TV news a LOT of skepticism when it's reporting disasters.    But I"ll look into what you are saying when I have more time.   

 I know that approximately 945 bodies have been discovered since the hurricane.  Nothing has been said about babies or adults dying from dehydration in what I've read.  I believe more people died than this number, but so far, there's no evidence for it. Others are amazed too.  I believe that more time will give us all a chance to absorb what has actually happened. 

As to dehydration & babies dying from lack of nursing because their mothers bottlefed....Lack of water for the mother is just as deadly as none for a baby's formula.   If I as the mother am dehydrated, my body shuts down its milk production pretty quick.  I know this for a fact after a doctor mistakenly prescribed me a homeopathic medicine of Nettle extract to clear up edema in my leg.  Within 5 days,  I was having problems staying hydrated no matter how much water I was drinking. My daughter's consumption of breastmilk was almost nil by the 5th day.   It was a wretched experience and I hope to never go through that again.    

The irony is that nettle extract is given for a couple of days to new mothers having difficulty with milk production.  1 or 2 days is ok.... but not the time I was on it for.  Thank the internet for independent research.  I came off the stuff immediately and within 24 hours things were back to normal.  Luckilly she's a toddler and get her hydration from elsewhere, but it was really rough during that time with the hot weather.     

I couldn't find an emote for DISGUSTED, so I left it blank.  Honestly, I've been hearing more and more rudeness from couples towards one another in the form of so-called pet names.  It's not funny.  There's no humor in a one sided insult.  If one partner insists its funny, then there needs to be a reality check performed immediately to let them know they're not a comedian.   

It's a form of control when someone claims they're 'only joking'.  The partner is not being funny and they know it.  It's a putdown, plain and simple.  Words manipulate.  Words injure.  Words are power, especially setting the pecking order in a family setting.  If there is real love and true respect, this wouldn't occur.  A relationship can cope with highs & lows, but not a continual lack of respect towards & within both parties.   Time to grow up and realize manipulative behavior drags everyone down to the lowest levels.  Clean up the language to demonstrate mutual respect and a better relationship will ensue.... guaranteed! 

I just finished watching this show.  Wonderful topic and examples of what happens throughout time to children who have been indulged with STUFF!!   

Melissa, you are a young gorgeous mother with beautiful sons, and an older husband.  I couldn't help but thinking 'trophy wife'  during your segment and I don't wish to say that as an insult to you personally.  Obviously I don't know you to say you set out to land yourself into this situation.  But wow, you have the motherload of luck.  I sincerely hope that nothing happens to your husband to prevent him supporting you and your children in the way that he has accustomed you to be, such as a job loss or health issue.  I could tell that you don't have any experience looking down the road with 'what ifs.'    You truly believe that your children will stay as sweet as they are if you give them everything they demand.  Oh, they won't just grow out of this.  Denial ain't a river in Egypt.  They don't value what they have right now.  At 3 years old, you are really underestimating your son's coginitive development if you think he doesn't realize what is going on.  My two year old daughter already knows that if she throws a tantrum, she will NOT get what she is demanding.  Kids are smart.  But hey, it's your life, your kids, and thankfully, no one I"ll have to live with.  :)   

Dori.... stop feeling guilty that your son is an only child.  He's turned into a brat because he knows how to play on your emotions.  You should start using the weapon that he is LUCKY and BLESSED to still have you around.  Besides, if he had siblings, he'd have to SHARE and no longer get ALL your time and money.  I don't think he'd really want that.  There is nothing wrong with being an only child.  In fact, there are just as many pluses as there is to having siblings.  Both of my parents were only children, my husband is an only child, and I"m technically an only child  (much older brother who never lived at home during my life).   We all turned out pretty good, imo.   

Due to circumstances beyond my control, it looks as if my daughter is also going to be a singleton.  Yeah, it's a bit sad that she's my only, but I will never allow it to be used as a weapon of guilt. This is just the way things are.  She's turned 2 last month and I've been taking a good hard look at her environment and personality.  This show was very timely.  No, I can't afford toys & clothes on the scale of what the families on this show are providing, but she has way too much stuff to play with that she doesn't play with from second hand & gifts.  I want her to value what she has.  So I've been pruning to sell at the base flea markets.   She even helps sort & tells me what she likes & doesn't.   I put the money I make away for future needs, wants, & savings.  I consider it a form of recycling.   

The badgering I saw from your son, & Diane's daughter was completely unnerving.  How can you allow your children to talk to you like this?  Don't debate.... state your point, say no. and leave it like that.  If they want to engage in a battle, tell them you said no, and either walk off, or ignore them.  It will get worse before it gets better because You have taught your children how to treat you.  But if you want them to change, then do something.  Be strong!!       

Obviously, you were not paying attention to the true circumstances of Nichelle's daughter.  Nichelle's Age as a parent has a lot to do with it because she does not have any years of experience as an adult to know WHERE & HOW to ask questions regarding this very rare condition that her daughter has.  She doesn't have time or background to pickup workable discipline techniques.  Also as a single parent, there is no one else to fall back on so that she can take the time to make numerous phone calls, appointments, and research or even just have a moment to think on her own.   

Comparing her life to yours is like apples and oranges, especially when you lay this all on the issue of discipline & self-control.   Children who are physically or mentally challenged are unable to see the world as your healthy normal kids do.  Her daughter does not learn as easily as your babies do.  When she does learn, she has a much more difficult time with situational applications.   You have NO CLUE about what you are talking about in this situation regarding a special  needs child with this or any disorder.   

Cause and effects of misbehavior to this child are much different than for your 1 & 2 year old.  Tantrums can rage for hours and feed on themselves with non-special needs children.  My brother is deaf and I remember the nightmare he put my very strong & firm parents through with his physical tantrums.  They would last for hours... not just a couple, I"m talking about 8-10 hours.  Furniture & people were broken.   My mother had pictures of the bruises he inflicted when he was only 6 years old.  He never ever learned that screaming would get him nothing.  Even as a teenager, he was having them.  As an adult, people still give into him than risk his wrath.  Oh, he's a charmer when things go his way.  At least now he just cuts you out of his life when you say something he doesn't like.  Years go by without words from him.  But he's what my parents truly wanted for him -- a fully functioning independent adult member of society.   I'm not saying that his life is what ALL challenged individuals are like, but this world is so completely different than yours, that you cannot even fathom it.  By stating that all she needs is self-control & discipline, you minimize what her daughter must face to survive.   

 In the 1960s there was no one to help my mother through her day.  She had to drive long hours for him to be educated.  Raising a deaf child back then was equated to 5 children at one time.  Everyone told her to institutionalize him.  I"d hate to think what Nichelle goes through.  Despite abhoring her mindset that her daughter will learn not to overeat, comprehends 'pushing buttons,' and will be self sufficent despite mental retardations, I have to admire her willingness to be the scapegoat on national tv for everyone else who is mishandling their own situation.  I cringe at what she was doing, especially losing her temper at her child for losing hers.   With the right help & tools, I believe that her household environment will get better.  It can only improve :) 

 Stating your experience of dealing with your one and two year old children are complete successes at such an early age (theirs) is nothing but arrogance on your part.  It's much too soon to tell if your techniques actually work.  Remember, child rearing is not a sprint, but a marathon.  Let us know when they're 22 & hopefully independent how things work out :)   

My own daughter is 26 months old and she knows very well that tantrums are usually just ignored.  She'll end up talking to me or wandering off to do something else.  Right now, things are really good, but who knows what paths our lives will take.  I just know from the environment I was raised in, that her having no disabilities is so much easier than what my parents endured.   She is such a blessing no matter how strong willed, contrary, and moody her actions are.   

Just because there is "equality under the law" does not mean that persons within a given situation will be treated completely 50/50 in life.  Matt is whining that his girlfriend had all the choices thanks to Roe v Wade and wants the same.  He wants the same right for him because 'he wasn't ready for a baby'.  All Roe v Wade did was to state that the government cannot tell a person what she can or cannot do to her own body.  If she wanted an abortion, no one can restrict her from doing so since she is the owner of her body.  It doesn't mean that ALL women naturally want or believe in abortion.  But the option is there if really needed.   

How does Roe v Wade actually apply to Matt?   Was he raped or his sperm otherwise forced from his body? He said he had consensual sex.  Therefore, that arguement is null and void.  The only legal point that Matt could argue: Does the government have the right to force his monies to support this child? In other words, garnish current and future wages that are brought by the work of his body.  That's a valid argument, perhaps.  But by no means are wages the same as forcing/preventing someone having majory surgery or carrying a baby to full term.   

Pregnancy is naturally imbalanced and there is no legal way to make it a completely 50/50 experience.  If lucky, a man spends a total of 5 minutes at the start of conception.  After that, he's pretty much a support system for the pregnant woman.  "We are pregnant" is such a silly sweet statement and is so untrue. It's the woman who bears the majority of the experience. My husband could go for hours at work without even a thought of a baby arriving soon.  The reminder would be me at home getting larger and larger.  I was lucky to not think about it for maybe 5 minutes.  But something would remind me -- pain of growing fibroids, blood sugar testing, monitoring every bit of food, not being able to sleep on my back,  NST, daily hospital visits, sleep deprivation, overheating, clothes illfitting, etc...  I wouldn't have changed it for the world.  But the man is lucky or unlucky to not go through anything of this experience, especially the indignity of being naked and shaved for an emergency c-section.    

I am happy that the mother did not show up on the Dr Phil show.  There was no need for her to be there to have to justify herself and how her baby came about.  All that really matters is that the baby is biologically Matt's.  I am certain that there was enough proof at the court case to show that she did not lie to Matt about her sexual health situation, otherwise, I'm sure there'd be accusations of dishonesty by him on Dr Phil.    

It' was that she told him what the dr told her. If Matt was so deadset about becoming a father, he should have used is own form of protection and not relied on a woman to take care of it all by herself.   It's something women have always had to deal with in sexual matters.  True equality demands that men step up in this  if that's what Matt really wants.  Obviously, he only wants equality when it suits his wants.  

 Life will always find a way.... In this case, she became pregnant.  Accidents happen.  I've read many times that around 65% of babies in the US are unplanned pregnancies.      

To me, the measly $500 per month is equal proportion to the 5 minutes of sperm he donated to the life of this child.  Rather fitting. No way does it equal anywhere near the amount  during pregnancy or that a child needs in life to succeed that the mother will donate freely to the rest of this baby girl's life. The mother is on duty 24/7 for nothing other than love.  Matt hands over $500 monthly.  Divided by 30, it comes to 69 cents an hour that he's worth as a support system.   How does it feel to be worth so little in life?  

I bet your wife was happy the day you went up on the roof.  One less baby for her to manage.  Seriously, your children are 3 months and just 2 years. I bet your son had a natural setback in age and maturity when your daughter was born.  This happens.  It's a shock when you're no longer the center of mum's attention.  So your wife has had to deal with post partum recovery, a newborn, and a toddler 24/7 including the bedroom. No breaks for her.  Where are you?  Up on the roof whining that you're not getting 'late night attention'.  I could understand why she wasn't going to change.  Who would, with an attitude like yours? 

My husband laughed and told your image on the tv to stop sulking and be a man.  I bet your son would appreciate seeing more of dad.  It might help him move back to his room all secure that his world hasn't collapsed and you still love him. Your wife could use your two hands to help her out. Perhaps she'd be less exhausted and maybe after she feels a little more human, you'd be able to get a little time on your own with her.   

Do you really want to be like the other couple on the show? -- the wife getting up all hours of the night with hubby yammering that a young child should be left to cry 2-6 hours to go to sleep.  Geesh, I'd get a new doctor if mine told me to let my daughter scream all night long.  I'd look into a new husband too, if mine acted like an expert and did almost nothing to help with the actual process.  

Kids do eventually sleep in their own rooms if you peacefully work towards it.  But your wife won't miss you if you act like a 3rd child.  She wants an adult relationship on an equal level with her husband.  So grow up quickly and look around to see what could help her out, not exhaust her even more.   

good luck.