Messages By: frosado

It is very tough when you are going to a situation like this, especially with a child whom you love and do not want to see him get hurt.  I wouldn't know about this yet because my son is only 12 years old.  I do not know the whole story about how you raised your teen, or what the past is.. There is always a reason why teens act the way they act.  I was a teen before, and, with my not so wonderful past, I was rebellious, I started to drink since I was 15, and I was very depressed, I am blessed that I was able to get past this.  I am not trying to judge because I do not know your lifestyle, however, there are two reasons why kids act the way they act:  Either the parents are extremely strict (like micromanaging, expecting too much of them, beating them for any little thing, or just being smothering), or they are too lenient (not disciplining the  child when needed, letting them do whatever they want, letting the child take complete control, the parent not being around).  There needs to be a balance.  Parents need to show kids who's boss the moment they are born.  Teens will always be teens, but, when they go to the extreme, there is definitely a problem.  In my oppinion, he needs a swift kick in the butt. He is grown and he should know what's right and what's wrong.  Anyway, my only suggestion is therapy, if you are not doing so yet.   it's up to you on how you want to handle the situation. I can tell you one thing:  The more you allow this to happen, the more it's going to hurt you and this child. 

We have an 18 yr old son living with me who has been somewhat of a challenge since 7th grade. He was into drugs, running with the wrong crowd etc.,  I sent him away to Midwest Academy a High School for troubled teens for help for up to 1 yr.  When he came back things were better.  He managed to make it through HS just barley.  He tried College but withdrew.

Now that he is out of High School he does not have a job and really does not try to find one.  He gets up about 12:00 Noon has lunch hangs out with his girl friend, plays his guitar and stays out late just to get up and do it all over again.

I have tried to be tough by taking away his car, cell phone etc,... I tried to ignore the problem, I tried talking with his girl friend nothing has worked.  I think he is still smoking pot and depressed.  He is almost 19 yrs old and I want just to kick him out of my house.  What can I do to get this kid motivated to work or start college or both?

Need advice.in Omaha.

Please reply.

Ed

This is sooooo sad.....

Relationships now a days have gone down to hell.. There are no morals anymore...

The 20 year old kid will never learn to go out on his own and will always find a sucker that is willing to take care of him, and the lady with the sugar daddy... Well....going out with him in exchange for money and gifts makes her a you know what.. I don't care what nobody says...

I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage.  I am now remarried, and my current husband has known my child since he was 2 yrs old.  My ex is hardly involved in anything when it comes to our son.  He keeps popping in and out whenever he wants and always has the excuse that "a lot of things have been happening", it sounds like a broken record.  The state garnished his wages for child support  until he kept jumping from job to job, then, he would work and get paid under the table.  He does not contribute at all, except for buying our son toys and games (which is unimportant).

My son calls my current husband "dad" and sees his father more like a buddy than a dad.. I never kept my ex from seeing his child and never bad mouthed him in front of the boy, but, he cannot be trusted with being with our son  by himself due to his irresponsibility and instability.  Now, the last time I saw him was almost a month ago and have not heard from him ever since.  His ex (we keep in touch, and she also has a child from him) says that he may have up and left the state.  He is nowhere to be found.  If he did leave, this would make me upset because he left without saying goodbye to his children (I am like an auntie to his daughter).  For me, this is my last straw. .My current husband has been wanting to adopt my son as his own, but I always thought that it wouldn't be right because his dad is still alive, and he does show up every now and then.  Now, I am thinking more towards my husband adopting the boy. 

My husband and I have always been good friends to my ex and always give him advice on how to turn his life around.  As a friend, I still care for the man, but, If I hear from him again, I am wanting to give him an ultimatum; either get more involved in our son's life and pay child support, or give up his parental rights.. I feel that I have been nice enough for allowing my ex  to see our son (even though he does nothing for him)  and crazy enough not to pursue child support (the man has no money to bury himself in).  Now,  I am to the point that he should not have any legal rights to our son. God forbid if something would happen to me, I want my son to be in good hands.  I trust my husband more than anyone else because he loves my son like his own (I don't trust my family to care for my son).  He's christian, and a great father.  My son is a very happy, wonderful, kind, and well mannered kid, and he loves my husband very much.  I would like for him to continue to have a good and fruitful life. 

 Okay.. with my long, long story, here is my question.  Would it be mean to give him that ultimatum?  Does anyone know what the procedure is for adoption if I do not hear from my ex? 

I am not able to adopt, I wish I could, but I think that it's a good idea to put the baby up for adoption.  There are definitely folks out  there that would be more than happy to adopt, especially those that cannot have babies.  It would be a shame if she keeps the baby , then she'll have two children that she cannot take care of.   The baby deserves a better life.  Your niece needs to take care of herself by using birth control.  It is not healthy for her to get pregnant knowing that she cannot take care of the child.  I wish you guys the best of luck.  :-)   God bless..

Anyone that extremely disciplines their children like that should get some serious mental help.  No child deserves to be living in fear wondering what mom or dad will do to them next.   

I have witnessed extreme discipline as well as went though some.  This definitely scars a child's life.  Just looking and observing how some parents discipline their children disgusts me.  I am a true believer in discipline, everyone (even adults) needs a little conviction from time to time to remind us what we did was wrong, but we MUST discipline with love, not to inject fear in the child's life.  Extreme discipline does nothing but make your child hate you even more, rebel against you and get involved in all kinds of outside trouble. 

Either a child is extremely disciplined , or extremely spoiled and walks all over their parents.  What is wrong with this world??  These are our children and our future!!  It's not easy to raise children, and it's certainly not easy to discipline one , but it is our responsibility to do it WITH LOVE!

Cyberspace has so many advantages and great ways to find great resources for anything that we need.  Unfortunately,  Man has perverted cyberspace so badly to where now we have "cyberbullying".  Now it's so easy to bash someone and spread rumors about them, not only around school or the work place, but spreading them throughout the whole entire world.  Are we this cowardly that we have to hurt others by bashing them through the Internet?  Teenagers have no business having a My Space nor any other chat account to begin with.  We as parents need to block websites that can be threatening to our children, and monitor where they surf.  Limit their time in the Internet. Put them in other activities so that they do not have time to be bullying others in the Internet.   That is why we have family safety, so what we can keep our children from this type of danger.  I know that not everything is controllable and we cannot be with our children 24-7, but we can do our best to prevent stuff like this from happening .  It's better than doing nothing about it. 

We need to set an example for our kids.  It's just plain common sense!  I remember the poor 13 year old girl committing suicide because a PARENT disguised herself as a 16 year old boy and toyed with this girl's mind, just so that she can get information if this 13 year old girl was talking bad about her daughters.. How mature of her!!  In my eyes, this lady is a murderer for doing such a horrible thing.  A parent lost a child because of another parent's immature action and poor judgement.   I have a 13 year old son, and I don't know what I would be capable of if a neighbor is remotely hurting my child like that.  If our children look at this wonderful example,  they will think that it is acceptable to bully someone around in the Internet.  If our  kids see us fight, argue and bully little league coaches, karate instructors, teachers and neighbors, guess what.?  They are going to do the same thing, whether if it's through the Internet or live.  That's right, it will bite right back at us.

Dr Phill is right.. Bullies love an audience, and they will do anything to get attention.  When someone, whether if it's a friend, schoolmate or a family member, tries to bully and upset my son in some form or fashion, my husband and I always remind our son that bullies are nothing but cowards with a low self esteem, that loves to grill a kid with great morals just to make themselves look high and mighty.  Bottomline:  Teenagers should not have access to My Space or any other chat account until they are grown and out of the house.