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Messages By: bj1962

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July 25, 2005, 4:32 am CDT

Friends???

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

 

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

 
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September 20, 2005, 4:05 am CDT

I Lived This

I just had to calm down a bit before I posted to this program, it hit me so close to home. I was 'raised' in a family very much like that, although there was also physical abuse added to it. I REALLY hope the father understands the position he is in here, it has taken me years to work through what happend with my father. I waited forever thinking he never really supported the 'woman' whom treated me like that, my 'white horse' never arrived. 

It seems that even after all of the years of him knowing about the abuse he had just removed himself from the situation..folks doing nothing is as bad as being the one who does the 'official' abuse. It got to the point in my life that my father started rationalizing what my mother was doing, and then she expected him to step in and do the same things. 

I have memories of being screamed at and hit since I was as small as 2 years old, I was hospitalized 3 times due to what the doctors claimed was 'nerves'. I can remember up until I was 12 years old being dragged down the stairs by the hair to display my naked butt across a wrought iron foot stool so that they could use a leather belt on my behind. The reason? I wasn't going to sleep fast enough...my bedtime at 12 years old was 7:30.  

I don't have to guess I already know that these children are looking at a lifetime of therapy, the things that mother screams at those girls will stay with them forever..the same tapes being played over and over again in their heads. They will not know how to have relationships, feel confident as mothers nor deal with their anger issues themselves. 

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this because I suppose it doesn't make any difference to anyone except myself, but seeing that program once again jarred something in me. I have had years of therapy and medication for depression, but it almost felt yesterday like I was on the outside looking into my own past. 

Those children need love, understanding, but most of all protection. They are living a life that will scar them forever, and then what shall they do? Pass the same things on to their children...unless they learn another way. Good grief...please save the children. 

 
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October 1, 2005, 6:34 am CDT

And yet another...

And yet another Phil McGraw program that I can relate to in my own life. 

  

I have posted before as the 'climate' I was raised it, totally abusive it was. I would say the worst abuse for me was that of killing my soul, it has taken me until I was 38 (42 now!) to finally sort out the crap that came from my environment. I was told that I was 'stupid', 'ugly'...you get the drift. I had no backbone for years, I put myself out there and got run over so many times. 

I totally agree with what Phil said: 

Treat yourself the way you wished your parents had treated you, and do the same for your children. It doesn't mean money wise, it means respect for whom they are and love that doesn't hurt. We WILL reap what we sow, I am so proud of our children (19, 21 & 23)...the biggest thing I wante for them in this life was to know how to love and be loved...they got it and they are passing it along. 

Stay strong folks. 

 
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November 24, 2007, 6:42 am CST

Respect

I honestly think that we should start at a very young age instilling respect in our children.

Respect for others of course, but also respect for themselves and who they are and would like to be and be 'seen' as.

We have 3 children, 2 sons and a daughter, all in their early to mid-twenties now. From a very early age our children have been given 'choices' on what they would like to wear, we began with different colours (very early) and moved onto 'styles' and such. It seemed easy for them to blossom into 'who' they were, we didn't have a lot of grief regarding clothing from them.

Much like the McGraw's second son we went through the 'hair' stuff...but it never really bothered me. I have always thought that hair and clothing is just a teen's way of trying on different clothes (personalities) on as they are developing in to 'who' they really want to be.

It was very interesting to me when our boys started dating as to the attire of the gal they were seeing, some lasted a week...others are even still around :)

Alas we also live in the country, I suppose one wouldn't wear the same thing to a night club that they would snowmobiling, fishing, 4 wheeling, riding horses...you get the drift.

I guess the biggest thing for me is to be close to my children...regardless of what they choose to wear. Someday it will be our grandchildren...and then of course I am sure they will say that I truly am just 'old' haha :-) On the side: Everytime I see Paris Hilton or Britney Spears I feel like knitting them a sweater...I am so surprised those little girls don't have constant colds.

 

Be Well :)

 
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December 10, 2007, 4:48 am CST

Drew Peterson

I have been following this situation since it began (October 29th), sadly, I don't believe for one minute that Stacy Peterson is alive.

By all accounts this young gal was a good mother, not just to her own small children (2 and 4), but she had also adopted the teenaged children of the woman Drew had been married to before her....after she 'mysteriously' died in a bathtub. Actually Drew Peterson's alibi for the night Kathleen Savio apparently hit her head (in a rounded bathtub) and died..was/is Stacy herself...alas she isn't here anymore to confirm or deny that.

Drew Peterson has been a police officer for almost 30 years, there is no doubt in my mind that he has picked up some fairly good pointers on how to get rid of a body without detection. But I do not believe that there is anything that can be considered a 'perfect crime', it may take a long time but the truth will prevail.

Honestly? I believe that many avenues that the police are following have been set up by Drew to distract from what he actually did do with Stacy...in the end I think his arrogant attitude is going to be his downfall.

It is the children that I feel for in this case, I don't believe that Stacy is 'suffering' anymore...but those poor kids are going to need to serious help to deal with this in their coming years.

 

I so wish that Stacy would have been able to leave that home with those 4 children before Drew knew what was happening..I don't believe for a second that he was ever going to allow her to do that.

Rest In Peace Stacy...someday there will indeed be justice for you.

 
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December 25, 2007, 2:49 am CST

Lucky

I suppose we should count ourselves lucky, we have owned three homes and have never had 'bad' neighbours. Our first home (25 years ago) I made friends with the lady next door, we went on to have babies at the same time...and over 25 years later we are still friends.

We now live in the country where the closest 'neighbour' is about 50 acres away, needless to say we look out for each other.

Alas I don't think the distance would make much of a difference in the situation with 'Kerry', I have the feeling that no matter how far (physically) folks were away frome her...she would find issues. Some people just like a good/bad argument...she needs a hobby :-)

 
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January 15, 2008, 10:58 am CST

I Can't Even Finish

Sorry folks, I can not even finish watching this one.

I was the family scapegoat for the first 38 years of my life, it took me that long to develop survival boundaries..I almost died in the meantime.

I am glad Michael is getting some help early on, if only Phil McGraw could be there for every child that gets dragged through the mud and blamed for the family in crisis. Intervention is key, otherwise many victims in return victimize...the cycle has to be stopped.

 

A Creative Survivor

 
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January 27, 2008, 8:47 am CST

Maybe It's Just Me?

I guess as I read the messages I am wondering if it is just me that doesn't understand why folks actually do this? I am not saying that I 'never' would due to religion or anything else, as a personal choice...I just don't 'get it'.

We have been married for almost 30 years, 3 great kids...and we certainly do 'talk' about sex and what it involves for us. I guess (at least for me) having 'sexual relations' has always been of 'making love' with/to my partner, it is an experience that deepens those feelings of love.

After all of these years we are still attracted to each other, I am thinking that is a 'good' thing?

I guess for me the idea of just 'having sex' with another man just doesn't jive with the reason for me doing it in the first place. The idea for me is making love to someone I love, otherwise the act in itself would feel 'empty' to me.

I am not interested in falling in love with someone else..maybe that is why I just can't see this working for me.

But hey...maybe for other folks it does?

 
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February 1, 2008, 3:08 am CST

Serious Differences

I di see the program, and I am not sure all of these situations can be dealt with nor seen in the same light.

The Dentist has some very big anger issues, at least that day anyway. There is never a reason to lay a hand on a woman...nor anyone unless you feel your safety is in jeopardy.

I see Mona's situation in quite a different light, their medical well being was compromised by Comcast not taking them seriously. She didn't want to 'hurt' anyone...she needed to get someone's attention. It isn't as if she hadn't tried before, she had already spent 2 hours in that same lobby waiting for a manager..only to be told he had left the office. And even after she came with the hammer...they still suggested she go wait on the same bench.

I guess I feel for this situation, we live in the country with a disabled daughter...at the same time we had 2 small children at home. For some reason the telephone company decided we hadn't paid our bill...it was a mistake of course (one number off), but it took them four days to rectify the situation. What if something had have happened? We would not have any way to call for help...and due to no fault of our own.

No...I didn't go in with a hammer. But I spent 4 hours calling from a friends cell phone (which I now have as well!)...because I told them if someone wasn't going to rectify the situation within 12 hours I was going to call the local paper.

Amazing how that worked..would I have called? You bet your sweet bippy..through no error on our part our children could have been in serious danger, especially having a seriously disabled child prone to seizures...what if the house had have burned down..you get my drift.

Sometimes it seems over the top for some folks..but when there is health and safety at risk..you do what you have to do.

That's just our story..I have heard some even worse.

 
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February 7, 2008, 3:10 am CST

Cycles

I would agree on changing the cycles these girls are carrying forward with their own children, otherwise these young kids will continue in the same footsteps. It seems obvious to me that the twins have never learned any 'conflict resolution' skills, and they certainly are not in a position to change that for the next generation.

First they will have to 'see' it, but maybe it could take some time outside of this environment? It appears that this is all that they know, not unlike their own children, they can not make a choice if they know nothing different. This is not a 48 hour 'fix', and not even as simple as 'quitting' drugs. It is an entire lifetime to overcome, to deal with and to make different choices as well as learning new coping skills.

It can be done, I wish them and their children only the best.

It has to stop...and start somewhere.

 

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