Messages By: cle_1976

Hi all,

I am having a dilemma.  I am getting ready to get married to my boyfriend of almost 10 years.  On top of tying the knot, we are in the process of having a home built.  Right now, we live together (we have for approximately two  years) and go back and forth between "his and hers" bill management and "shared" bill management.  We've tried it both ways, but the split method of dealing with bills usually leads to arguments and general organizational problems. 

Right now, I am the "breadwinner" of the couple.  He is pursuing a career that he enjoys, but it does not provide the same amount of income as my professional career does.  I am okay with that.  I would rather him be content with what he does for a living. 

My parents do not see it that way.  They are very traditional and are in the mindset that the man has to be the "breadwinner" and that he has to earn enough so I can quit my career (which I absolutely LOVE) to have lots of babies.  (No way, Jose!)  The fact we can't live on his income alone is enough for them to think he cannot hold up "his end of the bargain" or that he is "using" me for my income.  

I've talked to other coworker friends of mine and they advise me to keep my money to myself, split the bills between his and mine, etc.  One coworker advised me this morning that if he cannot pay 50/50 percent of the mortgage of our new house, that I should keep "tabs" on how much he does pay so if we get divorced in the future, he wouldn't get an equal share of the house when we divide the property. 

My gut reaction is THIS IS AWFUL!!!  I understand the intent is to encourage me to protect myself, but gee whiz... as much as I moan and groan about him at times (and I admit, sometimes I do that a little more than I should at times), I don't automatically plan for the marriage to fail!!!

(Nevertheless, the friends telling me to keep my finances "separate" are ALL divorced).

Nor do I expect him to pay 50/50 on the mortgage... I mean, it would be nice, but I'd think as a married couple, the house payments would come out of the collective pot.   (Though I do see the benefit of having separate accounts for personal spending, don't get me wrong). 

As you can see, I'm really confused.  I can see some benefit to keeping the finances separate, but to me, it sounds selfish, self-centered and opposite of what a married 'team' would do... not making any judgments about my friends... but IMHO it seems their strategies  would lead to a sense of inequality and resentment in the marriage.   Am I wrong?

Thanks,

Hi all,

I've been with my husband for the last 10 years and he's always been moody and occassionally difficult... but I love him anyway.   However, we just purchased a new home in a new state (we are from Maryland, but since real estate is so expensive for first homebuyers, we bought a house in West Virginia - very near Maryland, but the property values/taxes are about 1/3 what they cost in Maryland).   

This apparently triggered a very bad reaction in my husband.   He is from a close knit family of five children - all of which have bought homes within 5 miles of their parents.   They are all grown (he is the baby of the family - his next to oldest brother is 10 years older than him).    Even though we are only an hour and a half away, it is a huge culture shock for him.     

This area is far more rural than what he is  used to.   He is used to the Baltimore/Washington Metroplex, where shopping, restaurants, movie theaters, etc. are on every street corner.   In WV, it is much quieter, even though we are very close to urban centers like Frederick, Hagerstown, Charles Town, Winchester.  Though it is a 1/2  hour drive, not a 5 minute drive. 

It frustrates me because it was his idea to move out there to begin with...  He wanted a larger house, and the only way we could afford it was to buy in the outskirts.   I don't think he thought it through, however I supported his idea.   I'm happy and getting adjusted to the new location, but he is miserable.  

He had to switch jobs, and his home, and move away from his family.   No doubt, a difficult transistion.   However, the reaction he is having is far beyond a reaction to stress and transition.  

I'm afraid he is severly depressed.   No, I know  he is.   He talks about how he is a failure and how he hates it there and hates himself and how he hates his job (his new one isn't what he was expecting at all).   He lashes out at me and says I don't understand, along with other meaner, angry things... and then the next day apologizes for being so harsh.  

It is really worrying me because he is starting to talk about suicide.   I suggest, and then plead with him to talk to somebody, but he argues he can't take off work (he is working 10-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week at a job he's only been at for a month - and that's okay by his work because he's salary), nor would he even seek help if he had the time.  

I'm worried because he needs a job to be able to afford the house payments and other bills (he took off 2 months when we moved - leaving me to be the only income, which caused us to become behind on bills which we haven't even caught up on when he talks about quitting again!)      

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child (he claims he was patient zero), and was (according to him) a test subject on dosing of Ritalin.   I don't know if  "overdosing" on Ritalin can cause adult emotional disorders like depression, panic attacks, anxiety... he is still very "hyperactive" and impulsive, suffers from sleep disturbances (insomnia and nightmares), and has difficulty with (what he calls) competitiveness. 

He is brilliant, and can get straight A's when it counts, but he seems to never feel like he's achieved anything.  He starts and never finishes projects.   He's also hurt himself (hitting himself in the face or smashing his face against a hard surface), when he gets really upset.   He thinks he is ugly (he is not).  

It is very overwhelming for me.   To some degree, he's always been like this... not really bad... every once in a while under extreme distress.   But now, everything is happening all at once, constantly.      I don't know what to do..  I ask him to go get help.   I listen to him and attempt to comfort him (sometimes I try to "ignore" him when he starts acting 'badly' because it almost seems he is seeking a reaction from me).  

I just wanted to get it out there, maybe get some ideas on how to coax him into talking to a professional. 

What can I do to make things better?