Messages By: shawnylou

Yesterdays afternoon Dr.Phil brought back a few memories of frustrations with in-laws and their boundless efforts to control every last thing with a son. "FLASHBACKS" of a mother still combing her sons hair when he was adult still is in my head to getting up so early to make him his oatmeal [ 5 am ]  this of course was 335 years ago now and the dear woman has passed on. I adored her however and when she died I thought I would love to go with her, she was a fantastic grandmother and treated me so well I thought  she was my own mother.She was my first mother in-alw who suffocated an addict son who did not want anything to do with his own children and to her death protected him always.

My last mother in-law controlled by manipulation with illness that was fake to real to the end of the dear womans life.Her son never wanted to see her and would /might stop by for 2-4 hours 1-2 x a year out of duty.WHEN she was dying her saw her 3 times in that year after she gave him her inheritance of a trip to Alaska. HE did thank her. What had happened was she had deserted his two siblings and him when he was 8 years old and while he said he was not effected ,he obviously was and through his life refused to get any counseling for his own anger and the way he treated all women in general. She being in recovery thought she never had to explain one thing and never apologised to any of her children bio-children.

He never saw her on her death bed or the last 3 weeks of her life and did nto really want to attend her funeral so he made me the scape goat.

He screamed at me on the way to the funeral and i had it and treid to walk home when grabbed me from behind and hurt me. he refused to let me go. I bit him and started walking up-hill again so he ran after me and grabbed me again and I bit him again trying to get free again as he was hurting me. 2 bites , I did not go through the skin but I did bruise him badly.

Someone saw him trying to accaust me , accually many and called the police. I left the bite bruise mark and I went to jail for 32 hours. That was not cool and un-pleasant. He could have gone on to his mothers funeral, but decided not to at that point siting it was all my fault and I attacked him to his family members. in court the charges were dis-missed the juded ruled it was self-defence and said I should not have been arrested at all.

Onto yesterdays show, DIL needs to give MIL some room to breath and MIL needs to know that her son is married now and wife comes first and foremost along with those kids. IF DIL is "MENTALLY ILL" than the SON needs to get help for said wifey.ALL I saw yesterday is a very angry BITTER DIL and a dramatic Mother in-law who absolutely is lonely and needs to make friends and needs a hug. Where is Their son /husband? Why cannot he speak for himself? because what he is doing is playing both women against each other and speaks from both corners of his mouth and has absolutely NO guts to sit down and explain his feelings to either woman. Not nice man and absolutely needs to get help holding his own and being kind with both these women. There is NO need to bash his own mom and his wife is out of line in bashing his mother .

Did she push his mother? I think she did and I also believe she bruised her.I know, no proof, but, the two of them seem to believe that ganging up on this MIL is "cool" and not getting counseling themselves is alright. That is downright cold and not right morally.

MIL needs to know she cannot control or raise her lil boy anymore, he has a wife a sex life and absolutely needs to make his marriage work and the mother of his child should always be given total respect and come first, and his children. He is grown and has a family of his own, bless him and never should feel pulled, but also should join the grandparents into the union with children because there is no magic like a grandparent*

On my final note, I believe that  all of them need to patch this up soon as this is harming the child and no one is doing anything productive except harming the lil one. The MIL will not take the Baby or will she ever that was an exageration on the DIL and was to hurt the MIL intentionally.

That all said, I hope they all learn to love the child firat and not worry about any of this anymore. She is a grandmother and grannies do tend to want their grandchildren around them ALL the time*

Thanks again, Shawny in washington State*

When a itty bit starts to walk they trust so much , the amazing look of a tiny one in the world of giant big people hovering over them . POWER* pure power of one adult looming over one tiny human. I have in the raisng of children put a gentle swat to make a noise on the pants to get attention only when one of my itty bits was going towards something dangerous or about to reach up towards a hot something on the kitchen table . "hot hot, no no" I tap the lil tint pant and then touch the hand , NOT hit the hand to the point you hear a slap or leave a print of red. usually a baby or itty bit knows that means "oh oh and no no " no need to ever be mean or cruel, just like over grounding is wrong and hitting with a weapon like a belt is illegal. Why would a human hit a child so hard they leave a hand print on a kid? NO... the kid will grow up believing this is acceptable to hit any child for loose reasons. When does one decide how hard , rough? I saw a woman pick her one year old up by one arm one time and I became ill. I went over to her and asked if she needed a break? she did become angry with me and told me I had no idea. I said " I've raised 5 kids , I have an idea, HALT, Hungry, ANGRY, LONEY, TIRED" She stood there and started to cry. With reason to a "spoiled" child , there are no spoiled children , only sad kids who have parents too wrapped up with new husbands , wives or new families. This is hard on children , I know I have put my own kids through it. The resentment and fear is is tremendous that no one knows how much Attachment disorder is there and real and is a serious matter to take hold of and needs dealt with , but never ever a spanking or yelled at. Attachment disorder gets worse as time goes on too. NO spanking at all, Adults are the giants and I personally never liked being hit as a kid, ever, bullies , that all it is, adult bullies.

Year 7*... ages now 14 and 8 years of age both boys been with us since one was 6 and the other was 1 1/2 years old.My age now 49 and tired and my husband of 8 years angry at me, he is 50 years old. My adult children are 34 son, 30 year old daughter, 28 year old son, my husbands daughter is a 25 years old daughter with 2 baby girls ages 4 and 5 months of age , not living with us. The boys are my 30 year old daughters who has been into heavy illegal drugs since she was 13 years old and had her first son by the time she was 17 and her second baby 5 years later. She abused both boys and the drugs were endless. She desserted them and I took them away and I did not want them in foster care. She was presumed dead for 5 of the 7 years , especially in the activies she was involved in the people she associated with and the area's she was last seen in. The oldest child would be in the shower and I could hear him crying his eyes out for the first two years, he was heart broken and never talked about what exactly went on in that house. The baby came to us covered in bruises and he would scream and scream if I would leave the room and he could not see me at all. The attachment disorder was the wrost the doctors had seen , at his daycare it took 2 years for me to be able to leave and not spend 3/4 the day there at the school with him for adjustment. He clinged onto me liek a baby primate does . Heart breaking was a word that I could not determine if that under scored what was happening. My husband was crushed and sex stopped , I had no energy for it and he and I have not been out for a real date for a long time . The lil one took all our time and no one wanted to watch him because of the anger , he started to become violent , a violence that went beyond anything I had ever seen in a baby. 18 months ago Katrina blew my daughter back up in Florida and Florida did the Bakers act on her and commited her for a very short time. She had over dosed again. When she could find her mental state she asked to come home and I said "NO!" It took us about 7 months of "NO!" and my brother sent her back home to us because he felt sorry for her. She has been 18 months sober and drug free but refuses counseling and will not go to AA or NA and she is Bi-Polar with a personality disorder. She now refuses to leave our home and NO we will not give the custody back to her of the boys. She is violent still with the youngest , age 8 and if her had a choice he would kill her , he has said plenty of times. He is suicidal at age 8. Attachment disorder, bi-polar ,ODD and we have in with the best psychiatrist , pediatrician and specialist you can have for children here in Washington state. My husband and I are tired and this has been more than we as parents or grandparents ever thought would happen . Studying for this and adjusting to the schedules and knowing that this might get worse with the lil boy all of age 8. While his older brother has adjusted and is a good student and excellent athelete., quiet and has a ton of friends now. he had counseling as did his brother through all of this and is closely watched. How is my marriage? Rough. Will it last? I have no clue daily. It is hard to say and I cry and I am chronically ill along with other things.I pray allot I talk to my dog and cats , I hold on to my quilt and twist it and at times go out to my garage and scream loud or simply scream at my husband. Is there away to help grandparents who are now raising their grandkids? I have seen a trend of more and more of all of us raising our kids children.Is it they are all irresponsible or lazy or simply too young or should we say, " why did you not put this sweet baby up for adoption and share this baby with the world?"Once a baby gets to a certain age, in my opinion , it is too late to break from a family , unless the whole family is disfunctional and should be broken from the child for the childs best interest. This whole situation is sad and are there answers? Yeah, I will keep my grandkids in heartbeat! I suppose in my case there was no alternative for the boys. I really adore them dearly* I chose them over my marriage , for sure*

I have known too many men to avaiod paying support then disappear intentionally with the thoughts that "no see, no biggy" WRONG! 1. emotional damage to the kid , a girl needs her dad as much as a boy does. 2.It takes two to raise a child , no matter what anyone says or yells "I am a mother and father" no one is both nor will they ever be. Both jobs are hard and they take an expert to do them, like the whole person not a half. I raised my kids all 3 of them by my lil ole self. I did one job, mothering, I was not going to pretend to do both I could not and it is ignorant to think you can. I worked 3 jobs to make the rent and had to maintain medical for them and never even heard of welfare. My kids were not in sports and they hung out with the neighbor kids and sometimes things were horrible. Face it, I needed another parent. The father was not available and did not pay support and did not see his kids and disappeared and lied when confronted.what to do? Counseling , the kids will get the counseling as needed when needed and hope to god the dear sweet man will either show up some day or not, make amends or not , basically the old dude never has said "gee, kids I am very very sorry" They are all grown now and I am fine and no worse for wear, I do have a good sense of humour and the kids, They send christmas cards to scroodge*

My lil 8 year old boy has the best smile on earth and the most precious face. He has been talking steadily since he was born making all sorts of sounds and babble ,he has the imagination of a future author to be and can go to any world in his mind. His large motor skills are beyong those of his age, his small motor skills are behind by at least 2-3 years and he is just starting to learn to read. He has just learned to hold a pencil.

This is his DX: He is BI-POLAR, Attachment disorder, ODD, and possibly early on-set shizophrenia. Is there a possibility if border line autism? Maybe. He has a high IQ and is cunning.

He has serious asthma and is on madications for that is advair, albuteral zyrtac and a nose spray nasennex.[ he has a nebulizer when things get too bad ] In psychiatric meds, he has lamictal ,clonidine  Seroquel and when he gets so violent he will kill you and anyone he comes in contact with, we do GIVE HIM ketamine *K*  as the physicians call this hard medication. He is alergic to everything as  is his brother. he is an active kid and loves the outdoors and bike and rides and runs around and screams and plays harder than most. His older brother age 13 is not violent and is calm and .

The 8 year old is in a special school with a room if he acts up that is padded for the school staff to put him into so he does not hurt himself or anyone else.

Remember he is a precious child when not inflamed with hate and anger fear.

he has beat me and kicked me so hard I had bruises on my legs for weeks and at times I am scared to pieces of him. I am unable to take him to church because of his un-predictability and he would scare the lil ones to pieces. He has hardly any friends in the neighborhood. He never has anyone show up to his birthday party. He will fight just about anyone and threaten them with their lives.

My husband and I cannot leave him with a regular sitter, we have to have professioanl sitters who know how to handle this kid and NOT hurt him and know how to restrain him accordingly.  WE had CPS called on us at a lab one time because we had to restrain him for a blood draw and the lab tecnician refised to draw blood from the child because he was afraid of the child and so I threatened his job and he came back at me. CPS came in and knew about the child and said " Oh this lil guy"  I get the bruises and the child is fine. For all blood draws now they sedate him. For teeth fillings they use anesthesia and for me they use " Oh honey we admire you" really?

I /we do not want to lose this child and we struggle daily to weekly to hold on tight to this human being who we know can turn out to be a bit different in many ways. he is very VERY violent and yet he can be a pussy cat too. We do not keep any guns in the house, we would be dead by now and knives are carefully maintained. We have 4 cats and one dog. When he gets angry we have taught him if he hurts an animal we call the police. We have called the police on hurting humans and have had to call them when he refused to take his meds when he tore the hosue apart from one end to the next. A piece of dust set him off. CPS is now looking into respite care for my husband and I so we can go out once a month.. maybe. I trust no one with him , he is hard to handle and if he got hurt I would come apart. OR for that matter if anyone else got hurt I would come apart.. hell this is hard...

I have been around this type of child for a long time now.

1. no parent can leave them alone with any pet/animal

2. never leave them un-attended with their peers in the neighborhood

3. never leave them with small children  no ones not your own not your neighbors and do nto believe for one second that they will not snap suddenly, THEY DO!

 

These kids are not having a normal temper tantrum, there is a metabolism issue that is off balance OR a frontal lobe seizure going on. Parents need support and absolute knowledge of real professionals when dealing with these kids and excellent teachers in dealing with these children,

 

Attachment disorder has to be considered. This is seen in children who have been adopted , separted from parents or abondoned, abused children and children of incest, molestation . This is incideous and hard to deal with and treat.

Animal therapy does work with these children as long as an adult is present at all times with a trained counselor and two other people.

 

Medications will help as well as classes and constant work. My husband and I do not get out hardly at all. AND this child is our grandson. [ double whammy*]

the child has empathy, their pain inside is so great no one has any idea  as to what theu understand about pain. They know why I cry and they understand why others cry too and they do not want to cause pain, they simply need to spout forth the hate and anger. Believe when i say, After the hate and the hitting he does he is always sorry, he simply cannot stop it or he does not remember a thing.

He is not allergic to the meds but is allergic to everything else as we live in washington state. The land of green and mold etc.. We took him to Idaho where it was a bit dryer and that did nothing for him neither. He does not like sweets, this makes him really sick to his stoamch. He is a large child for his age a DNA matter as his bio-dad is 6-7 and his bio-mom is 5-9. Both have bi-polar and personality disorders. Dad is in the federal pen right now and mom has been in and out of trouble her whole life sadly.

The lil guy was born extremely fussy and had a terrible time with infected ears, so he had bilateral ear tubes put in and all went well. Tonsils and adnoids removed later, again all went well, the asthma is a booger because he gets this really bad about this time every year.

The behavior has been exceedingly getting worse as he gets older. He is not 8 years of age  5-1 and 125 #. He can take me down easily with one run hit or one shove now.  he is the strongest child I have dealt with. I have raised 5 children and all grown now. 3 naturally mine 2 off the street litterally and all grown and gone and well and fine. I have dealt with ADD and ADHD and kids who are severly wounded from everything.  Not thins though, this lil person is a tough nugget.

His brother is small boned diffrent DNA, same bio-mommy though. Dad is 5-4 and 145# , The child is 13 years of age and 5-7 now and all legs and plays soccer and is a good student , but does have some learning disabilities caused from drug use by mom. So far no behavior problems other than normal teen angst. he does have asthma and a horrible case of it. Both boys have used the nebulizer a few times in the last 7 years for sure. The oldest one is allergic to every last thing on earth except his dog and 4 cats. lol.

The oldest child has often worried that his lil brother would be removed from our home because it has been so serious and teachers have reported that his brother has put the oldest into a neck hold and put many bruises on him and others. He believes that the child would be harmed in foster care . Well, to tell you the truth after reading all the things going on in foster care, so do we. After years of handling this lil boy and the teachers knowing what to do, we simply do not hurt him in any way. I rather get hurt than him get hurt. Half the time he does not remember because this is a frontal lobe seizure, the other half he is so fearful. My husband and I have the best doctor here in the NW on the eastside of Seattle . We hope daily nightly that what we are doing and the teachers is going towards a growing light  for a future for this child.

When people get a look at our life this is not a tantrum not add , not adhd, this is real whole hearted attachment disorder that the world ,unless you have adopted a child  or have dealt with a child who has been abandoned or brutally abused does not understand. This lil boy has a DX long enough to that exhausts me and my husband , we have no  NO one who wants to help us that can help help us. He is a full handfull and no one wants to be responsible for any  child that may hurt you or you may have to hurt in self defense.So we do not go out and the oldest one stays in sports and hopefully will get a huge scholarship when he gets to the 12 grade and get the best of the best of the best. We are praying that the lil guy gets through school into a college and  happily. Somewhere there is an "ever after* right? :)

This is not a regular child and has not one thing to do with how the child is raised not one iota. These children have problems , usually mental issues cause either by sever abuse, being abandoned , metabolism issues [ allergic to whaet , envioromental , dust pollen  etc ]  allergic to plastic's.  You have not one idea as to how BAD these kids get. These kids are not merely having a temper tantrum , these are serious  outbreaks of hostility.

There is Attachment disorder to consider Asparegers Autism and regular Autism , Frontal lobe epilepsy as well , ODD combined with many other factors like a thyroid going really ill. Many factors to look at with full medical testing. The way you are looking at this is closed minded and old fashioned.

I have been dealing with this type of child for a long time and believe me I wish it were what you were stating. However you sound harsh in your treatment of a child, so best you look at your raising skills considerably.

Rena, R you a psychiatrist?

Attachment disorder, thyroid, allergies medications being skewed  , abuse and abandonment issues can also be apart of this. Paint in the house that is NOT setting well with the child, bedroom sheets have amatterial that is all wrong, sensitivity to light and strutures. aspargers autism and there is regular autism to consider too. Frontal lobe seizures and personality disoders. the list goes on and medical help is totally necessary for these sweet children who are totally violent. I know I have one .

He might have early on-set schitzophrenia, but his DX also has attachment disorder , aspargers autism and frontal lode seizures too... AND may I add , I am relieved I had a real doctor and a team of excellent care for this child to diagnose him. because the regular public does just what you did.. presume and ASSSSsume.

Just what we do not need from the public is that.. but understanding and help. respite care would be nice too.

Who are you talking to? If you have read all my answers from start to end you would see the child is in a special school of 6 boys with a padded room in it. He is restrained often.

U R not a trained doctor with a degree I will  presume. Trained? We are trained and so willing to do what we need to do. I have had the hardest of children in the state and I am here only to say that there are many things to look at other than calling the child a sociopath and other things that mean nothing except to someone who knows nothing about the  illnesses involved.

These children are not your typical kids and they take allot of work and we need respit care of people who are trained and can take the presure of these kids. The person cannot be ill tempered or lose their cool at a drop of a scream or when the kid starts to imtimidate. We do not want a prison guard. The place by us Fair Fax is the most horrible place with the worse staff possible in training with this type of child. Kids come out of their bruised and not one thing is done about it.

I know how to restrain him and so does my husband without breaking his neck or his arms. I have seen others almost suffocate him . No thanks.

So before you start accusing anyone and throwing those words out without knowledge I suggest you know your words correctly and maybe try another discussion group.