Messages By: atlswan

Hey, Momisme! I'm not a coffee drinker but your thoughts on the issue sound pretty good to me. 

His mistress is his "pie" that he cannot stay away from, eh? Well, my friend, go on a diet!  

Four times to say goodbye? Nah. At the rate he's doing, they'll be saying goodbye into 2010.  

You know how I feel about marriage. But when one of the two in the marriage has checked out (despite his many glib words to the contrary), you have to take care of yourself and move on. Those boys don't need to deal with a Dad who discusses his affair with them openly. Oi vey, I can't believe that! 

Thank you for posting exactly what I was thinking. She resents him from not stopping her? HUH?  

Now I don't have to! ;-) 

First, I am not a marriage counselor or any kind of expert. But your situation makes me hurt for you. 

I advise you to read the post you wrote. Notice that much of it details what your HUSBAND wants. Sounds like he's making all the decisions and you're going along with it to keep the peace. Believe me, I know what that is like. My Dad was a control freak and I did that a lot. 

However, it sounds like he's written a script for your lives and it all revolves around what he wants. And you are the one having to make it possible for him by keeping up the house, raising a young child and keeping things going. Meanwhile, he's out doing what he wants to do and having the nerve to come home and vanish into the basement. He's checked out mentally, just coming home to sleep and eat. When a man stops sleeping with his wife, something just isn't right. And that is not your fault. 

I've seen guys like this at sporting events. They throw themselves into sports and everyone think they're such a big help while their own families are at home wishing they'd come home. I have no idea if this is your husband's issue, but these guys tend to get an ego charge out of having other parents and kids look up to them. They thrive on it. 

You say you don't want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Well, he's not even there now, right? He's not being a loving husband to you or a loving father to your child. That's a worse example than having no father at all, in my opinion. I am no advocate for divorce by any means. But things cannot continue to go on as they are or the resentment and anger you feel will just get worse. And that's not what your kids want to see you go through. You deserve better than that. 

I do hope you'll take the step of making a change. YOU DO MATTER! You DO have power! 

After reading all the messages I think it's safe to say that what it all boils down to is it takes a lot more effort to be a GOOD  parent than a FUN parent.  

Absolutely! Kids don't want their parents to be their best friend. They want boundaries. They want routine. They want limits. And you're right, it's harder. But your kids will thank you in the end by becoming responsible, level-headed adults. 

You echoed my thoughts exactly! They're bonkers.  

Can we move on to a family/individual who is actually willing to follow the advice given to them? How many times do we have to rehash this situation? 

I'd also like to know what happened to the doctor who was divorcing his pregnant wife to be with his pregnant nurse girlfiriend. 

First, let me commend you for your ability to multi-task. My hat is off to you.  

I do, however, see some differences between you and what the show revealed about Diana. You have a full-time job that enables you to make an income and it takes you away from your children for a big chunk of the day. That means you get to enjoy adult (meaning non-toddler talk) conversation and a sense of accomplishment from your work.  

I doubt your boss has ever called you "worthless" and "half a**sed", either. And Ken seems to consider Diana his employee. Ken has made it clear how much he values the role of a SAHM. According to him, "She's just a stay at home Mom." 

You also weren't pregnant almost non-stop for the first five years of your marriage. It sounds like you had a break between the teenager and the toddler. Diana didn't.  I can only imagine the hormone roller coaster she's been on, perhaps some post-partum depression as well. 

We also don't know what Ken's standard of clean may be. You yourself said that your house isn't spotless every day. Maybe he has a cow if there's a can out of place in the cupboard. We know he has problems with how she hangs clothes on a hanger. Sounds like he's asking for perfection to me. He even called himself a perfectionist. 

Let's also look at the fact that Ken is almost never home. And it sounds like he has no intention of wanting to change that either. Diana said she could care less about the Escalade or the purses. Sounds like Ken would rather hang out with the guys at the firehouse than be with his kids. He himself said that the few times he's had to care for him, they drove him nuts. So you've got a husband that's not only telling Diana she doesn't measure up, he's also showing her he'd rather be anywhere but at home with her and the kids. 

You mention the babysitter factor. We don't actually know how much this babysitter is being used, do we? Would you take the kids to a babysitter if your husband was constantly telling you how lousy you were at running the house and that he was slaving away to make money for you? I don't think so. You'd try even harder at trying to show him you don't need a sitter.    

With all this said, I am only trying to point out that it's so easy to look at someone's situation and say you could do it better when you haven't walked in their shoes.  

No, I am not a SAHM.  I work from my home and don't have kids yet. But I know a lot of SAHM. All I am trying to say is that Diana's situation is a little different. She's married to a perfectionist who clearly doesn't want to stay home at night or be with his kids.  He'd rather be with his pals at the firehouse. 

Do I think there are things she could do better? Of course! Do I think some of his claims are perhaps justified? Yes. She's part of the marriage and seems very willing to change. But it sounds like she's not exactly married to Mr. Helpful either. He's not there. 

I'm sorry you have to work. I know that in a lot of situations, there is no choice. And your husband, I have no doubt, is a great guy. I've read your posts before and I know you are a nice, intelligent lady. 

But Diana has clearly said she doesn't care about the Escalade or the purses. Would it kill him to cut back on his hours some so that his kids would actually know who he is? 

"I think it's great her husband offers to get her a babysitter , but I bet if she used it too much he'd get all angry about having to spend the money on that.  I think he's just too picky. " 

You echoed my thoughts exactly.  

I've been reading the posts here and I agree that this isn't all on Ken. Diana does share in the responsibility for the situatuion. And yes, I know that she's fortunate that she does not have to work outside of the home. Not everybody can do that. 

However, I cannot imagine how I'd feel if I had given birth to two kids, had one on the way, and knew that no matter what I did, it just wasn't good enough. And that during the few hours he WAS home from his job, he was inspecting my work with the eye of a perfectionist. I'd feel pretty darned defeated. 

They BOTH need help. 

I'm the first to say how much I admire thrift and frugality. My husband and I budget almost every dime and it's worked to our advantage. The only debt we have is his school debt and the house payment we are about to take on. 

However...there's also anothing thing I admire and that is the ability to enjoy life while you can. The saying, "You can't take it with you" is still true.  

It doesn't look like Christie and Joel are hurting in the finance area, thanks to their thrift. Would it ruin his portfolio to buy her a card? Or take her on a romantic picnic at a local park? Buy her a CD she likes (since he has no trouble buying them for himself)? These are not expensive gifts. It's more the effort that goes into them than anything else. 

I agree that money and gifts are not everything. But a wife does like to feel special to the man she loves from time to time.