Quote From: leizukI have a good time with lots of my friends and vice versa. There is only one problem.
I am a natural giver, and it seems like I always give more than I get from my friendships. When I have parties, I always give my best. My friends compliment the food and drinks and have a great time. It makes me feel good knowing I give it my all. When I come over to someone's house for dinner, I always come with thoughtful gestures. A bottle of wine or flowers when I am a dinner guest, a nice housewarming gift if a friend has a new house even if it's not a housewarming party. I just think these are gracious gestures. I don't expect anything in return except graciousness.
I have a couple who is so cheap (namely the wife) that when they ask my husband and I over for dinner, the wife makes very little food. She actually asked me whether I wanted 1 or 2 pieces of garlic bread before she made it. It's not like we are fatsos at all. I had them over for dinner a few times and the husband of the couple commented about how 'wonderful a spread it was'. Then when he said that I should give his wife the recipies so she could make some of the dishes, she shot him a look. The wife has commented to me about how she can't believe how much other people eat. This woman looks gaunt & has a fast metabolism, but man can she pack it away at my house. When we come over to their house, she is also cheap with her time. She tells visitors it's time to go when some internal limit in her mind has been reached. She even told invitees to a get together (last minute) that kids were not invited. Needless to say, another friend and I (we both have kids) did not come and instead let our husbands have a night out. Then she was 'confused' as to why we didn't come. Yet, her child is in terrible 3's stage, throwing things around hitting my child, drools all over my furniture and she doesn't even discipline him at all. They have just now started realizing that maybe they should not be so damn cheap, and they actually made enough food for the last party to which I did not attend. I hosted a 'fabulous baby shower' for her (these were her words) and what does she get me for my birthday something from the Dollar Store! I guess my point is how can I get my point across to them in a nice way, or is it not appropriate to say anything.
Another friend (same type) counts every last penny she owes on a dinner bill and never reciprocates when someone treats her out to dinner. She likes the fact that when I have a get-together, I don't do a potluck because I want to make getting together easy. When she bought a new house, I gave her a housewarming gift. When I did, she gave nothing. When she upgraded to a new house and invited my husband and I over she said that she wanted to accommodate us and she would do whatever we recommended. I told her that I would prefer to eat in instead of dine out for many valid reasons I spelled out for her, yet she was still offering suggestions to dine out. She commented about how she needed to be sure that we in fact wanted her to make dinner because she had to go food shopping. I reiterated that it was a year since she has been in her new house and that we wanted to hang in and just be with them. She then reiterated that she wanted us to be comfortable and suggested that maybe they should come over to my house! I know that it's not because she is ashamed of the house or something. Finally I told her that since she didn't want to make dinner, we were going to eat at home before we came and just visit with them afterwards. She then felt like a dumbass and said 'oh no it's no trouble for me to make dinner' saying backpedaling things like 'it's not a problem.' My issue is when someone says this after all this banter, it means that they are reluctantly doing it. Saying something like, 'oh no, I would love to have you over for dinner' to me sounds more genuine. We are set to go there but I really don't feel like it. She also doesn't know the meaning of reciprocation for the many things I have done. Same question: how do I tell her? Or do I not tell her?
There are examples of other people who take advantage too in the same subtle ways. It leaves me feeling resentful, like maybe I should return the favors with Dollar Store gifts etc, but I can't bring myself to do that because I have too much respect for myself to sink to their level. Should I just do the fade-away with these people? Are they in my life to teach me some lesson? Or do I need to teach them a lesson?
I don't have the idea that everyone I have have a social interchange with is a "friend." While people may be "friendly", that doesn't mean they are "friends." True, deep friendships take years to develop, and the people need to have some things in common to begin with. What this writer has described is people who want to do the minimum required to gain maximum benefit. That's not friendship. That's being a user.
I buy "Dollar Store" items for my friends - but we all well understand that they're just for fun - a joke, a laugh. Or, we use them as some little thing (a note book, a pen, etc.) to tuck in with a "real" gift. No person who truly wants to give their friend a gift with some meaning would think a Dollar Store gift is appropriate.
Personally, I'd have told her to keep the Dollar Store gift, "... I have enough clutter at my house, and I'm sure you have someone in mind who would appreciate it."
