Messages By: lynlovel

 ok, now i've seen the rest of the show (i wrote in earlier) and wow. that was some dramatic ending! well, actually, there were 2 dramatic events, i think. first the arrival of the granddaughter. obviously, in all the fuss regarding the 2 daughters, the family "forgot" the grandkids are affected by all this, too. i got the point that the 16-year-old girl feels hurt that her grandma is not even including her in the will/ that it's as if she 'doesn't count" in her grandma's eyes. and that she's not interested in money,just something to "remember" the grandma by.

but the grandma says she has given her memorabilia. is this true? why does the girl think it doesnt count unless it's through a wil? i can'thelp but suspect that lisa, the girl's mom, helped to put tjis concern into her daughter's mind. even if the girl thought of itherself, that's partly b/c so much angst i goingon about this will.

then i loved when dr. phil dumped the wheelbarrow of dirt! that really brought the point home -- i hope! are they really willing to let their famioy fall apart b/c of dirt and dollar bills? well, we'll see next week ( though i doubt all the problems and all the pain can be resolved in the course of 2 shows.)

 i think this gets back to a comment i made earlier about sonja not being able to deal with the fact of having daughters from 2 different dads. her complaint that lisa didnt call before she came to the hospital to see the new baby is obvious nonsense! how could she mind that her older daughter wanted to see her new sister?! whether sonja realizes it or not, she was clearly trying to "deny" that she had been married before. or maybe her husband can't handle it and she was trying to please him. or they just weren't prepared for dealing with the dynamics of a blended family. sonja has been very unfair to her lisa, in many ways, as far as i can see from the show. but she's not "a horrible person," in my opinion  -- just a confused one.

why did sonja say that sarah can divvy up the money, etc. as she sees fit after she inherits? does she mean sarah can give some to lisa and her family? does that suggest that sonja feels guilty about cutting them out but is too stubborn to change, herself? but isn't that too much of a burden to put on sarah?

also, how can she refuse to even leave lisa some of her (sonja's) mom's things? that was lisa's grandmother, too, not just sonja's mom. i realize these things are now sonja's and she can do as she wants with them, but that's like cutting lisa off from her heritage. i now see i ws more right thatn i knew when i said (in an earlier post) that sonja wants to cut lisa out of the family! she wants to act as if she, her husband and her other daughter are one total family unit, with no previous marriage, etc. how sad,especially since there are grandchildren, too.

 it's true -- no child has the right to expect that a parent will leave him or her money. and clearly lisa is "eaten up with jealousy" of sarah. i hate to see people fighting over a will. but what do you expect when a mom leaves everything to one daughter and nothing to the other?

and this kind of division has gone back as far as when sarah was born -- it'snot just about the will. maybe lisa would be jealous, anyhow, but sonja has made it worse. she may not realize it but she has been trying to push lisa out of her life ever since sarah was born and maybe since she married her curent husband. i agree that it's sad to see a family have "this kind of major issue over money,"  but it's almost bound to happen when the will is so lopsided. perhaps it shouldnt be that way , but it is.this is why some parents go out of their way to make sure everyting is fair and equal int their wills.

 true also that " the party in question is still living," but she chose to let her daughters know the general contents of her will. clearly,she did that to hurt or "punish" lisa, and this is where that has led!. besides, lisa can only talk to her about it while she's alive, obviously. would sonja rather she (lisa) wait till she's gone and then drag sarah into court? what kind of mother-love would that be? again, sonja has the right to do as che chooses with her money, but i think one does well to use that right carefully and wisely. one doesn't "have to" but it's a good idea.

it's also a good idea,i think, to give out as much money as you can to your kids, grandkids, etc while you're alvie and not put anyone in the position of  "waiting till you die." one has the right to use the money fro oneself, too, of course, but if one wants to give it to family, why make them wait?

 i agree, too, but will you really cut your boys out of your will if they so much as ask about it? i highly doubt that. also, a lot depends on the age and mental state of the parent when they write or change a will, the older the parent is, the more common it is for their kids to discuss their wills with them.

you have a wonderful atitude and your parents are very lucky. but why do so many people act as if it's a choice between spending the money or leaving it in a will? people can also give some money to kids and grandkis while they're still living, if they can aford it and would like to do so. maybe even set up or contribute to college funds for the grandkids, etc. they don't have to, of course, but it's another option.

then again, the reality is that some money/property is bound to be left at the end.decisons need to be made about where it goes, and feelings do get hurt if one kid gets more than the other, etc. i don't like whenpeople fight over wills, etc. but the person who makes the will sometimes bears some responsibility for this, too. they can do what they want, but i beleive they should think carefully, so as not to promote any unnecessary friction.   one can use one's will to "punish" a dificult child, but it's not usually a wise idea.

 people think they have some kind of right to inherit, perhaps mistakenly, b/c most parents do leave money to their kids, if they have it, through wills or trusts. when a parent chooses to leave a specific child out of a will that makes a statement, often hurtful. the parent may feel he/she has good reason to do it, but unfortunately,it probably isn't realistic to expect the daughter to just ignore this.

i get your point about lack of respect from the daughter. but i still thinkthe mom's efforts to push the daughter away all these years are a factor, too. and i wonder -- could it be partly the stepdad's fault? was she doing it to try to please him? it's commendable that he stands by his wife, but maybe it'spartly b/c he knows he had a hand in creating this situation?

 i don't see how this mother and daughter can go back to living together right now. the mom obviously loves her daughter -- but -- the daughter was right -- as soon as the mom began to talk to her the old patterns emerged. besides, if she'sdoing well with her boyfriend right now, why not let her stay with him? i'm glad the girl agreed to the counseling and medical help dr. phil offered, though. i hope that both she and her mom will get counseling -- and maybe in time, joint counseling -- and that they will try to increase contact gradually. after all, the girl admits she still needs her mom, sometimes, and hey, the mom willbe the baby's grandma, too.

 i've read that rape victims sometimes turn to prostitution later on if they don't get therapy. i'm not saying all rape victims do this, but some. angela didn't get justice when she was raped, and i'm sure that had an effect. but neither did she get therapy and that matters, too. i hope now, with the help dr. phil is providing, she will recover emotionally and that she and her baby -- and the baby's dad if he contiues to come through for them -- willhave a good life. adrienne too.

 just want to say that i thought bishop jakes was really great. gave meaningful advice and seemed to understand each person's deepest feelings. since the mom is so steeped in her religion, i think it was especially wise of dr. phil to involve a man of the cloth. but the bishop would have been an asset to the show, anyhow. bothhe and dr. phil seemed particularly insightful regarding this situation.

 hmmm... now you've got me confused. wasn't the stepdad part of that whole scenario in the hospidtal when sarah was born and lisa came to see her? am i wrong about that/? now i'm wondering...

while we're on the subject, i'm womdering if lisa grew up with her mom or her biological father. what was her relationship with her mom like before the stepdad came into the picture? and , well, maybe it's not my business, but does the mom bear any ill will toward lisa's bio dad? has she perhaps been taking that out on lisa? maybe without realizing it?i don't mean to be nosy. i'm just trying to help get to the bottom of this problem.