Quote From: jaimie1974You asked: How can I get what I need and not feel guilty and have a happy husband?
Do you really think that your husband is happy? It doesnt sound like he is a happy person. It wont matter what you do- even if you do everything perfect and exactly as he instructs you to do, he still wont be happy enough. This is because YOU do not have the power to create his happiness; he has to WANT to have happiness. From what youve described, misery is his comfort zone, and he is doing his best to keep you there with him.
The best advice I can give you is to bust out, and no matter what, do things for YOU. This is so important! You will be a better wife and mother, a better person in general, if you take care of yourself . When you allow yourself time to do things just for yourself, you are nurturing your spirit. Your husband needs to do this, also. It is important that you both have hobbies/activities that you enjoy. The reason he complains when you try to do things for yourself is simple- because he knows that you will cancel and make him happy. He knows that all he has to do is whine/complain, and youll obey him, like a pet. You are so much more then a pet; you are an extremely important woman who needs and deserves time for herself.
If you cant work up the nerve to do this for yourself, then do it for your precious children. You are the strongest female role model that they will ever have; you are teaching them that the way you are living your life is normal, and that means your children will grow up, seek out mates, and repeat this cycle. As a mother myself, I know that you want your children to have better; so, to make that happen, youve got to force yourself to create the necessary changes in your life. I know that it is difficult to make changes, but you are doing this to improve your life. You arent doing it to be a jerk. Your husband will either have to get it or hell continue to whine; but you cant allow his whining to control you anymore. Approach your husband in a calm manner to have a rational discussion about the changes you need to make. Remember that this is a discussion- not an argument- no raised voices, no getting upset- just stating the facts and what you are going to do to change the negatives in your life. My advice to you is to assure your husband that you appreciate his help, that you love him and that you know your children love him, too; you just know that if you dont give yourself some time to do things that are for yourself, you are going to become bitter and resentful, and you want to prevent that. Also, encourage him to engage in an activity that he enjoys, something that is just for him.
If you feel guilt or self-doubt creeping upon you, remember that you deserve happiness, and that is why you are making changes. I wish you the best!
Wow, you put things into a new perspective for me. I cried when I read the first part of your reply. I can't make him happy no matter what I do no matter what I do. I can only control myself and reactions. I encourage and give him opportunity to do outside hobbies/activities. I even try to arrange them with his guy friends since he won't. Always says "I just want to do stuff with you and the kids." I will continue to give him the freedom to do what he needs for himself whether he chooses to do so is out of my control. I am going to take your advice and stand up for my right to be happy and nurtured. After reading your reply, it made me feel like I am not being selfish and that my desire to do things for myself is a positive things. You are so right that I will be a better person/wife/mother. This is a cycle as I look at my parents. When I became a mother I promised myself I would break the verbal abuse cycle I was unfortunately raised in. I refuse to continue that and I don't want to pass this unhealthy cycle onto my children either . Thank you, sometimes it just takes an outside, uninvlolved person to open one's eyes. I will keep you updated as I try to start implementing a plan to resolve this. Thank you again for the encouragement!
