Message Boards

Messages By: newsoul

User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
March 28, 2008, 7:38 am CDT

Losing self

I am new to this but need an outlet for sharing feelings.  I am 28 years old and the mother of 2 wonderful, amazing children.  They are 4 years old and 19 months.  I have been married for 7 years.  I work full time(all done in 3.5 days so more days of with kids).  I take my 4 year old to preschool on my lunch break and take a break in afternoon to pick her up and take her to her grandma's (where her brother is).   After dropping her off I head back to work to finish my day.  I run non-stop between kids, work, and normal errands we all have to do.  My husband is great about cooking dinner on nights when I don't get home till 6 but neglects to clean up and soon as I get home he plops into his chair and tunes in on tv.  He doesn't help with baths or bed time routine for either child but complains if I don't have them in bed by the time he thinks I should.  He doesn't leave his chair once I get home.  I get kids to bed then clean up dinner.  He leaves for work early in the morning so goes to be fairly early.  He gets upset at me for not wanting to go to bed as early as him but if I did I would get nothing done.  He has become so clingy, needy, and demanding that I feel like he is my third child.  Don't get me wrong I am not trying to whine about my life.  Overall he is a great dad and husband and I have a good life.  I just have no time for myself.  He makes me feel guilty about going to do anything by complaining about how hard it is for him to take care of kids alone.  I can't even go to store without a complaint.  So many times I take the kids everywhere with me.  I love to run and really got into it after losing 40 lbs after my son was born.  I catch so much crap about leaving to run that I now run at night when everyone is asleep.  I also grocery shop when everyone is asleep which takes two hours due to my sons food allergies.  I don't enjoy doing things because I feel guilty, selfish, and just don't want to deal with him upset for me not being with him.  I make time for him and compromise on how we spend that time.  Often times I feel that he only wants to spend time with me on his terms.  Example while I am writing this, he doesn't want to spend time with me since basketball is on but doesn't want me to go do anything unless I take the kids.  We have every weekend together.  When we get together with friends 9 times out of ten it is his friends.  I recently wanted to take a class and signed up for it.  He made me feel so guilty that I knew it would no longer be fun so I dropped it.  I am losing myself by his expectations of me.  I take care of house, paying bills, taking kids to appt, preschool and grandmas, run all errands, and plan dinner (he cooks it three days a week.).  I just can't find enough time in the day to add something for myself.  However, my tank is running on empty.  How can I get what I need and not feel guilty and have a happy husband? 

 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
hopeful
March 28, 2008, 8:14 pm CDT

Thank you jaimie1974!

Quote From: jaimie1974

You asked: How can I get what I need and not feel guilty and have a happy husband?

Do you really think that your husband is happy? It doesnt sound like he is a happy person. It wont matter what you do- even if you do everything perfect and exactly as he instructs you to do, he still wont be happy enough. This is because YOU do not have the power to create his happiness; he has to WANT to have happiness. From what youve described, misery is his comfort zone, and he is doing his best to keep you there with him.

The best advice I can give you is to bust out, and no matter what, do things for YOU. This is so important! You will be a better wife and mother, a better person in general, if you take care of yourself . When you allow yourself time to do things just for yourself, you are nurturing your spirit. Your husband needs to do this, also. It is important that you both have hobbies/activities that you enjoy. The reason he complains when you try to do things for yourself is simple- because he knows that you will cancel and make him happy. He knows that all he has to do is whine/complain, and youll obey him, like a pet. You are so much more then a pet; you are an extremely important woman who needs and deserves time for herself.

If you cant work up the nerve to do this for yourself, then do it for your precious children. You are the strongest female role model that they will ever have; you are teaching them that the way you are living your life is normal, and that means your children will grow up, seek out mates, and repeat this cycle. As a mother myself, I know that you want your children to have better; so, to make that happen, youve got to force yourself to create the necessary changes in your life. I know that it is difficult to make changes, but you are doing this to improve your life. You arent doing it to be a jerk. Your husband will either have to get it or hell continue to whine; but you cant allow his whining to control you anymore. Approach your husband in a calm manner to have a rational discussion about the changes you need to make. Remember that this is a discussion- not an argument- no raised voices, no getting upset- just stating the facts and what you are going to do to change the negatives in your life. My advice to you is to assure your husband that you appreciate his help, that you love him and that you know your children love him, too; you just know that if you dont give yourself some time to do things that are for yourself, you are going to become bitter and resentful, and you want to prevent that. Also, encourage him to engage in an activity that he enjoys, something that is just for him.

If you feel guilt or self-doubt creeping upon you, remember that you deserve happiness, and that is why you are making changes. I wish you the best!

Wow, you put things into a new perspective for me.  I cried when I read the first part of your reply.  I can't make him happy no matter what I do no matter what I do.  I can only control myself and reactions.  I encourage and give him opportunity to do outside hobbies/activities.  I even try to arrange them with his guy friends since he won't.  Always says "I just want to do stuff with you and the kids."  I will continue to give him the freedom to do what he needs for himself whether he chooses to do so is out of my control.  I am going to take your advice and stand up for my right to be happy and nurtured.  After reading your reply, it made me feel like I am not being selfish and that my desire to do things for myself is a positive things.  You are so right that I will be a better person/wife/mother.  This is a cycle as I look at my parents.  When I became a mother I promised myself I would break the verbal abuse cycle I was unfortunately raised in.  I refuse to continue that and I don't want to pass this unhealthy cycle onto my children either .  Thank you, sometimes it just takes an outside, uninvlolved person to open one's eyes.  I will keep you updated as I try to start implementing a plan to resolve this.  Thank you again for the encouragement!

 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
March 30, 2008, 7:58 am CDT

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder!

I could be on this show!  My mother to this day tries to push for me to be perfect(I am 28!).  Anything less is unacceptable unless it is her we are talking about.  She is the vain mom who can't leave the house without hair, make-up, and clothes looking just so-so.  Heaven forbid I decide not to wear make-up to school in highschool or wear a hat to go to the store.  She pushed for my brother and I to be number one at all things.  My brother is her pride and joy so I always came up short next to him.  Even my brother admits that.  Thankfully the two of us still can relate and are great support for each other.  A "B" was unacceptable and anything less than varsity was embarrasing to her.  My brother was a much more compliant child.  I on the other hand dug my heels in on somethings when I got older.  One example: My junior year I refused to participate in basketball giving up my varsity spot because I was sick of dealing with my mother and falling short.  She never made me exercise at a young age or actually placed me on a specific diet, but I still struggle today with poor body image.  She would make comments and do things that made me feel ugly and fat.  I refuse to pass this issue onto my daughter!  The cycle ends here.  She is a verbally abusing mother due to her wanting me to be perfect.  Recently she even blamed me for my son's severe food allergies!  I now know the reason is her own insecurities, poor body image, and low self-esteem.  I don't allow her to push this onto my children.  My daughter (4) dressed herself in clothes that didn't match.  I don't mind.  I am happy she got her shirt and pants picked and on by herself!  My mother tried to get her to change before we went shopping.  I pulled her away and put her in her place and made it clear never to push this crap on my children.  Anyway, I can go on forever on how she pushes for perfection.  I think our flaws give us character and help us grow.  Just as "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so is perfection.  My children are perfect to me with all their flaws and if they have given something the best they can do then they have succeeded.  I want my children to feel confident in trying new things unlike me who was/at times is still afraid of falling short.  I strive to overcome all the self doubt my mother installed in me in order to protect my children from the long term pain it causes.  Perfectionist moms - STOP PASSING YOUR ISSUES ONTO YOUR CHILDREN!  DEAL WITH THEM!
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
hopeful
March 30, 2008, 8:13 am CDT

Small steps

Just a little update.  I have immediately started working to correct this problem with husband making me feel guilty for doing anything for myself without the kids.  I know it can't be fixed over night.  First, we discussed both our needs and how we can meet them.  I am starting with small steps.  I made reservations to go today with my best friend to have dessert at a fondue restraurant.  When I told him he responded as usual with saying "oookay, how long will you be gone?" in a tone that makes me feel guilty.  This time it isn't working.  I told him I need this for me and I am not sure how long.  I showed no guilt and I think he picked up on the fact that I am serious about my needs being fulfilled.  I look forward to tonight and I am trying to replace my old thoughts of guilt with healthier ones!  I know his needs and am working to meet them as well.  I remind myself that two hours away for myself is not going to negatively affect my children and will actually make me a better mom/wife.  I am working to fill my tank again so I have more to offer!
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
March 30, 2008, 7:42 pm CDT

I feel your pain!

Quote From: derevna33

 

           Do you have the feeling your mother had a "yardstick," a high set of standards that she measured your growth and ability--and you always came up short of the mark?

         My mother also had a competitive nature.  She competed with me.  She simply could not stop herself.  It was as if she was obsessed with being the prettiest, smartest, and  sweetest.  She flirted with my boyfriends, 14 or 44.  She did this because she wanted them to know that she was a better woman than I am.  She was the best cook.  She was the talented artist. 

       Etc. Etc. Etc.  

Yes, I have and always will fall short.  My mother is more like a evil competitive sister than a mother.  She never went after my boyfriends but I understant the rest!  It has even been so ridiculous that after my husband and I bought a new car, she bought one that was same color but one model upgrade and a next year!  She tried to convience my dad to build a new home after she found out we were building one.  Recently I bought a laptop - guess who had to buy one and try to get more upgrades.  It is pathetic.  She uses anything she can do bring me down.  I don't trust her and it is sad that she has made this our relationship.  I have learned to take the good and leave the bad otherwise I wouldn't have a relationship with her.  At least I know I will be a better mom to my kids and build them up in hopes they are even more successful than I am!  What a piece of work out mothers are huh?!  My dad stays silent about all this because she will make his life a living hell if he did anything against her.  How does you dad react?  I wish he would have stood up for me against her evil ways when I was younger.  My mother also hides behind God and uses religion as a reason for all she does even if it hurts me.  I have a wonderful relationship with God and don't agree with how fanatical she is.  Insecurities obviously.

 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
March 30, 2008, 8:08 pm CDT

Lost All the Weight and Still Hate Your Body?

Quote From: crisisorchaos

Its so devasitating today to see so many people unhappy with themselves and their image because of the medias pressure to be perfect and slim and in shape and basically all the things regular people dont have.We are perfect the way we are even if the internet and t.v. say otherwise.Its disgusting that we idolize 85 pound models because we think they look good because so many people envy their physique. I am happy to be the way i am i know that i have flaws and i am not the most perfect specimen on earth but i feel comfortable with myself and as long as i do i really dont have much to worry about.
It is sad how the media promotes being underweight as something to strive for.  However, alot of poor body images don't come from media, but people that are close to them.  My mother influenced me in my poor body image and still pushes that unhealthy thinking on me.  I look back and was not fat at all in HS.  I gained weight after having my daughter and kept it on until having my son.  One year after having my son I had returned to the weight I was when I started college.  I have maintained it by healthy eating and a love for running.  Despite what the scale says I still see a huge cow in the mirror.  I know logically that I am in good shape and healthy weight, but still hate what I see.  The issue is far deeper than media influence and the numbers on a scale.  Definately working to improve my self talk!  I commend you on loving and being comfortable with yourself.  I hope to someday to be able to say the same! 
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
March 31, 2008, 8:00 pm CDT

Balancing Marriage and Family

Quote From: jaimie1974

Did you have a nice time with your girlfriend? It is excellent that you are working in a healthy way to correct this issue in your life. I know that it isnt easy; guilt is difficult to overcome, and it can seem easier to simply give in to guilt rather then over-ride it. The fact that you are making changes will hopefully be a catalyst for your husband to make changes. Or at least accept the changes that you are making.
One thing that I learned over the years is that no one can make you feel a certain way- whether it is happy, sad, or guilty. Those feelings are yours. Yes, people can try to create certain feelings in you, but if you give in to those feelings, then you are allowing that person to control you. Only YOU deserve to have power over your feelings, and you are at the point in your life where you realize that you deserve to have a lot more happy feelings then you do at the present time. I urge you to stay strong!
I had a great time!  My husband did his usual pouty actions, but I just ignored it and focused on how great a few hours with a friend can be.  I feel refreshed.  You are so right on allowing people to control your feelings.  Isn't there a saying something along the lines of life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react.  (May have the percentages wrong according to original quote.)  I am on the right path and even the small steps I have taken feel great. 
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
chillin'
March 31, 2008, 8:12 pm CDT

Exorcist

Quote From: derevna33

 

        What can your father do?  He supports me as much as he can.  Like you said, he has to live with her.  And, the poor man loves us both. 

       Over time, I have learned not to expect any more.  And, if I told anyone--other than my sister--they'd never believe me.  My mother was once the First Runner- up for Idaho's Mother of the Year in the National "Contest."   When the officials called, and they asked me about my relationship with her . . . I could've won an Oscar.  Not even Bette Davis could have told a better lie than that.  "I hope I grow up and I raise my own children as well as my mother raised me." 

        My mother once called the priest, inquiring about him performing an exorcism on me.  The Exorcist was the number one movie of the year, and Mom loves high drama.

      I could go on and on.

   

Exorcism?  HAHA!  I am suprised my mom didn't request that.  I have several tattoos and she thinks because of them I have invited satan into my family.  I have done so many things that she thinks will reserve my spot in hell!  I have to laugh now when I think about it all.  Our poor dads are in a bad position.  No one would believe all the things she has done to me either.  She puts on a great mask for the rest of the world.  My husband and best friend see it all and they almost get more upset about it than I do.  They are great support for the things she still does to me.  How sad that we feel obligated to lie to protect them; they don't try to protect us.  Typical is abuse relationships - I consider my relationship with her to be emotionally and verbally abusive.

 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
April 11, 2008, 7:30 am CDT

OUCH

Quote From: simply_linja

Thanks Jamie, you really cleared my thinking. about how to solve our arguments and avoid nasty comments about eachother...although..Things are better now but I know for a fact either tonight or tomorrow we will argue again. The thing is I never say cruel things to my husband ONLY when he says hurtful things to me then thats when I explode like a bomb. Do you believe in 'BEING SO MAD THAT YOU SAY THE STUPID THINGS THAT YOU DONT TRUELY MEAN, only for the sake of pissing off your partner' OR.... 'BEING SO MAD THAT ONLY THE TRUTH COMES OUT when arguing???? which one do you think is true. My husband is a hard man to get him angry but when hes really mad he can get really rough. One time, he got so mad he said to me he wished he married his ex!!!!??? When the argument was over he kept saying he only said it to piss me off because he was so mad... but in the back of my head...I can't help but think that he says it because he gets so mad that the truth comes out??? Please tell me if I'm wrong??
I believe in being so mad that both can occur.  Unfortunately, once words are said you can't take them fully back.  As women we have a LONG memory.  It is hard to tell what the true meaning and intention was when your husband said such an awful thing.  You are unable to control what he says, but what you can control is how you act during an argument.  It is difficult to have a heated argument unless both sides engage in the raised voices and fight.  Often times a heated situation can be cooled down some by one side remaining calm.  When he raises his voice make a conscience effort to not raise yours.  Use "I" statements instead of "you" so not to get him on his defense.  Try turning these arguments into discussions.  Even if you disagree perhaps this will deescalate the situation enough to prevent the throwing of angry words that leave a permanent mark.   If you are too upset to do this then take sometime to cool down before engaging with him on the subject.  Write you feelings down and think before you speak.  Try to express your feelings and a solution to the problem rather than push his buttons and blaming.  Another suggestion is before the next argument comes sit down and calmly discuss how this way of dealing with issues is not working and both of you can make suggestions to argue in a more fair manner.  Something is going to have to give otherwise continuing on this path will eventually lead you both to resenting each other and ruining your relationship completely.   If your efforts are not working, it may be worth involving an unbias third party (a professional counselor) to help you both work toward a happier relationship that doesn't have the need for such nasty arguments.  Good luck and keep us posted! 
 
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
April 11, 2008, 7:42 am CDT

Greeley

I live in Greeley.  I am thinking of taking a kickboxing class tues evenings, thurs. evenings, and sat. mornings.  Is anyone in the area interested in taking it with me.  It is always easier to do classes with a workout partner that can motivate you to go on the days you want to flake out. 
 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | 2 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board