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Messages By: shayna22
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November 3, 2007, 1:29 pm PDT
 Quote From: ritehere I know that was days ago, but I've been gone. Consider how long it took to gain the weight? Since you have lost weight before you know that it not only takes behavioral changes, but mental ones as well. 5 days is not very long. I'm guessing something happened that sent you back to old habits and there you go! You now reflect the consequences of your everyday behavior. I'm right there with you, my size and shape is the consequences of the way I've been eating and drinking lately. How can I expect to look any different? I'm not a failure, I'm exactly what I've been working towards, the results of my eating and sedentary ways. I'm going to relate some things that help me: 1. reframing comments or actions from your spouse and events around you. 2. putting yourself first when it comes to your goals 3. pinpointing what it was that sent you back to your old shape and size When your husband says something like "do you really need that?" I'm guessing you feel judgment, then resentment for that judgment, and then you tell yourself something like "I can do whatever I want, I'm not a child!" or something to that affect. I challenge you to look at the comment differently. Where is the truth that your husband is judging you? He knows how you struggled to lose the weight once before, he knows you are disappointed with yourself for gaining it back. He listens to your concerns about your weight and walks a tightrope of not knowing the correct thing to say to make you feel encouraged. So, maybe he didn't mean it as judgment, maybe he's not out to rub your face in your backsliding. Maybe this is his way of being "in your corner" only you don't recognize it because it's not your perception of that. What you need to do is "reframe" the comment in your mind, so that you no longer perceive it as judgment but a loving "nudge" to get you to think about what you are about to do. (Which is to eat something that you will regret and beat yourself up for later.) He's trying to keep you from bad feelings about yourself. By putting yourself first in regards to your goals, I mean stop trying to enlist your husband to exercise with you and then making him the excuse why you don't exercise--as in "I don't do it because I don't want to exercise alone!" If he doesn't want to, you will only make him frustrated with you. Find somebody else who is ready, willing, and able to get out there with you. Being an example is always a better way to inspire others to join. In the end, it's your body and your goal, you can get encouragement and advice from others, but you know that its YOUR actions that create the results. Same goes with your faulty thinking when it comes to "no time for yourself." Make the time. If you won't, who will? Once you commit to the concept that you CAN make time, you will stop focusing on "poor me" thoughts and find solutions to finding the time. Pinpointing what put you in a tailspin is protection against having it occur again. So evidently you did everything right but there was something you neglected to learn. Maybe it was the fact that you had not truly accepted the fact that to stay slim is a lifelong habit. There is no going back to old habits once you have reached your goal because your old habits are what made you overweight to begin with. This is a lesson that many many people fail to accept, as statistics show. Don't be one of the ones that "doesn't get it." Or maybe you are an emotional eater and something happened that you were not ready to cope with, so reverted to old eating habits. Whatever the reason, you have to find it and forgive yourself for it, and prepare yourself to deal with it, (because it WILL pop up again!) so you can resume progress. Hope this helps. 2. putting yourself first when it comes to your goals 3. pinpointing what it was that sent you back to your old shape and size It has been quite a while since I recognized these issues for me: I want to thank you for pinpointing them in your statement because it reminds me that others are not responsible for my misbehavior in caring for myself. I don't know about you, but I can be my own best friend in private (a big accomplishment); however, in public I dare not state that there is nothing on the menu ....nor do I bring something along. I guess I am still denying that I have to take care of myself.. Weight watchers gave me two montras that work in restaurants: A) poor water on the bread on your plate B) bring me tomato juice and lemon instead of butter for my lobster. My biggest problem now is when we have family events; my hostesses too often do not put out foods that work for me. Portion control just doesn't apply when you are hungry... (btw- I do eat before attending family events and I recently started to bring mushroom stuffed eggwhites.) It is not enough to help me meet my personal goals. The "oh try it; it won't hurt you" or "diet when you are home" sabotages me. I don't like fulling the needs of others when it underminds me, but somehow I fall into the trap. HELP Shayn22 |
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November 3, 2007, 1:46 pm PDT
Thanks for the poem ritehere. I have downloaded a copy for my brother. Shayna22 |
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November 3, 2007, 3:19 pm PDT
I want to first state that It is my style to be supportive: so I am jumping with only the information presented during the Dr. Phil's presentation as well as the message board input. I wish we had some collegial input. The French teacher pointed out that a colleague was unsupportive when s/he allowed the student to read an essay about her. She was quite right in jumping on that detail? What kind of an environment allows the undermining of a colleague? That's a big ouch for me! I would want to interview other colleagues. Certainly, her husband is clear on his thinking and does not seem to be swayed by the environment; so I suspect that her colleagues are unable to rally around her for fear of being caught up in the hostility. In response to the cryptic note that was identified as a significant mistake, I need to point out the following: we need to recognize that some teachers use initials to short cut the time consuming task of writing comments for students- i.e. VG for very good; F for failed to meet my expectations etc. PERHAPS, the initials were a part of the way of developing communication skills in the I Never Game. It is consistent for me. Foreign Language teachers use a significant variety of strategies including multisensory approaches and verbal games. Professors at the college level encourage these strategies during teacher training. I suspect that the undermining of this teacher began long before the stated events. Perhaps her oral language reenforcement techniques took on the casualness that this population had not used in other classes. Cetainly the student that was seen on Friday was part of the third year group which usually bonds well with the teacher after three years. I would want to know what other students in that class think. I hope some of the other graduates come forward. Yn the course of my supervision, I knew teachers who were undermined for taking a walk around the school without seeking permission from the office. Other complaints of colleagues included the direct instruction of bulletin boards in the halls. It was clear to me as an education evaluator that the negative remarks came from a lack of comprehension of the wide range of tools needed for success. Was the scandal started at first by collegial lack of support for a creative isolated teacher? That does not seem to be part of the cdoncern presented. Yet, I wonder. Judgmental statements were made by the former student who thought it was improper for his teacher to have married her teacher. From my vantage point, they appear to be a healthy couple who seem to be abused by an environment that is hostile from long before these events. I recall a professor who dated a student in my undergaduate program- Our lips were wagging....too much for the college level; this reminds me of the story the CRUCIBLE. Too bad its happening to real people in a real community. Students in high school need our vigilence to maintain a healthy environment. Do we need surveillance cameras to protect our kids?I hope it never comes to that. As a new teacher in NYS , I avoided going to the local Burger King because I wanted separation from my student s and parents. Perhaps the decison to remain in the community where the French teacher married her former teacher boomeranged. It certainly feels like an ancient "cause" that I might have seen in an adult version of LiItle House in the Prairie. Today, teachers know they are vulnerable. Somehow this couple felt immune to nowaday's more common rule of "don't put a student in your car" However, I must point out that I know that my brother hires his high school students to do odd jobs all the time. So hiring students is not avoided in NY, but there is discomfort about appearances in my little community. BTW, my colleagues still giggle about the ten year age difference between the English tacher and her former student/husband. I do not think that my colleague was ever misrepresented by her students. The remarks I overheard were more or less jealousy. BTW my own grandfater was sixty two years older than my mother. Lips were flapping about a Rabbi pushing a baby carriage, according to my proud uncles. My how we have changed. Yes, he was a senior citizen before my mother was born. My uncle loves to tell his students that his father was born the same year as Lincoln was shot. There are lots of May/December healthy marriages. What is in the craw of the community, really. It appears that someone is whispering to the former high school student about nieces and nephews having problems if the French teacher were left in the school. This young man does not seem to have any comments that reflect feeling abused. I am inclined to respond more to his sense of joi de vivre than to his sense of abuse. After all the strum and drum, my gut response is that the sexual contact never happened. To me she seems to be more naive than guilty of the purported unhealthy behaviors. No one should allow a child abuser to remain where they can reoffend. We certainly have had far too many indications that these things do happen. But, th does not seem to fall into that category for me. I agree with Dr. Phi's response which seems to indicate that she does not seem prepared to take the defensive mode. I hope that he can help her; we all know that he helped Oprah. The high school kids are still to immature to come forward. Thank goodness she has one student that recanted. Perhaps he can help in unravelling further details about the negative environment. |
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November 8, 2007, 4:15 pm PST
Quote From: jsfamily OH MY GOD!!! I just watched the show and I'm in total shock of how horrible that mother-in-law is! I felt my blood pressure rising and my face turning red EACH TIME she INTERRUPTED the bride, her son, even Dr. Phil! She has no respect for any of them. I would not want her at my wedding either! Hooray to the groom/son for standing up to his mother and defending his future wife. He shows respect, maturity, and honor... all things that his mother is lacking. I'm impressed by his dedication to his future wife and I'm impressed with the bride's courage to stand up and not just sit back and "take it" or put up with the mother-in-law! I'm 40+years old, and have been married to the same man for 15 years. I can honestly say that I have felt what that bride is feeling and I have been in her shoes!!! My mother-in-law (who also had a very intrusive, unhealthy role in her "baby boy's" life) treated me horribly both in private and in public, at holiday gatherings, etc... I used to leave holiday gatherings before dinner, cry, feel awful and get very upset with her for how she treated me. I NEVER HAD THE NERVE to stand up to her, nor did my husband, so I let it boil and fester for years and eat away at me! She actually pointed her finger in my face and said, "don't you mess with me or I'll make your life with my son a living hell"!!!! Well, she had already been doing that for years! Anyway, the anger I let build up inside of me was not healthy or productive. (It surfaced up a few years ago when she was visiting, and all I can say is that it was complete insanity... like a Jerry Springer show!) I should have never allowed myself to be treated like that by another human being; I was young then... now I know better. Unfortunately, my husband did not have the guts to stand up to his mother and defend me, which created bitterness between the two of us. THE ONLY REASON our marriage probably survived through it all is b/c my mother-in-law moved far away (out of state) many years ago and could not continue to be such a negative, intrusive part of our marriage! I wish my husband had stood up to her long ago and saved us both a lot of pain and anger. Kudos to Dr. Phil for being able to sit there and maintain his composure while being constantly interrupted by a self-absorbed, immature, insulting, demented woman! P.S. Oh, by the way, WE ELOPED for our wedding!!! (Any guess as to why???) I am confused by this show: they needed an intervention long before this stage....the upcoming wedding. You wrote: "! I wish my husband had stood up to her long ago and saved us both a lot of pain and anger. Kudos to Dr. Phil for being able to sit there and maintain his composure while being constantly interrupted by a self-absorbed, immature, insulting, demented woman!" I guess "you and I" got to see what it looks like when a young man tries to take on a whip-saw. While the bride certainly has some of his mom's traits, she does not seem to have the composure and the language of diplomacy. I know that my beloved mother in law started out on the wrong foot with me, and thank goodness she was far away. A bout two weeks after our wedding she pulled out the album from my husband' former wedding and showed me the lovely dress she wore.. We were married a few years into the flower children days and our wedding i guess was not up to her expectations. Old girl friends were dragged out at the rate of two out of three visits. My husband and I laughed all the way home. good luck kids...you can have good time and enjoy her caring nature. My mother is still very posessive of my brothers...no one will ever be good enogh but at 85 she only put her overflow on me. I wish my husband was still alive because he would be my balance..... He knew how to laugh at it all. At least my inlaws gave him that. My father in law said it is good for a mother-in-law to be in another state. He once told me that my mother in law was "just a farm girl". I guess there is a book in my story but I wont write it here. This is a present for the bride: My mother-in-law thought that I was too undressed without "pancake make-up and rouge" and told not to tell anyone that I was twenty-five. Well there was a time in my extended family when the bride was chosen by the groom's family. Thank god I found my man. He would always say "why do you care what she says?...I don't" That put me back in the frame of mind that I needed. His death brought us closer and we could not hurt the other no matter what. Now she has passed and I understand her plight: We don't get to own our children but that doesn't mean the feelings aren' there. My daughter is dating seriously now and it looks like she will be walking down the aislle. I see issues that could not be good but I am onlly going to say my concerns once. Then it is up to her to pull it off. Hope the bride and groom of today's show can find a way to laugh at themselves and accept that they are reacting to their own fears......too bad it became so public. Hope it helps. S |
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November 9, 2007, 3:15 am PST
Quote From: shawnylou My two grandson's are both racially mixed. fathers both black and my daughter Caucasian. The Blacks I know of prefer not to be called African Americans as they find comfort in Black American. I know many people from Africa and they find it hard to accept "African Americans" but readily accept the term Black America. With-in the last two years we have seen an out-burst of "mouth" vocal issues of rude behaviors. ON all behaviors from everyone. Including Al Sharpton to Reverend Jackson. 1. Imus, he decided to make a joke out of the ladies on the basket ball team. He has been off the radio air waves for almost one year. He is now coming back to the air waves in another month to a different station. Supposedly he has learned to be more sensitive. 2. "Kramer.. lol.. he had an outburst at a heckler while performing on stage doing his routine as a comedian less than a year ago and went wild on the guy [ ballistic He is sorry and NO one has heard from him since. In the meanwhile everyone makes fun of Jews on and off the airwaves and Italians and Mexicans and Indians /Muslims and anyone else they can. 3. Jena 6 is the BIGGEST embarrassment in American history this side of the 2000 decade so far. Note: I said SO FAR* 4. A NOOSE? and that town has /had no clue as to what a noose is or what that meant during the slave days and when they went looking for a slave that ran away? THEY HUNG THE SLAVE! 5. What lawyers were given to those kids and what governor runs that town who could not educate that town in the right or wrong in that NOOSE hanging from a frig-gen tree? 6. Does not one person study history anymore?
7. Katrina is highly suspect in the abuse of the poor as well. Did color play a part or simply because people were poor and they did not matter as much as the rich?
Back to Mr. Chapman...he was so honest in a private conversation to his own son who received 15,000.00 to TELL on DADDY. Wrong or right? Too late now and the lips are loose and Mrs.. Chapman is devastated and the Chapman family are sorry and now the repent part is happening and everyone and their brother are here to JUDGE.
8. Cracker,, word for white person, cannot be used and not in a comedy anymore and cheap Jew and any mention about a Jew being tight with money cannot be mentioned in any comments on television anymore. Jesse Jackson has made many fopahs regarding the Jewish people and so has Sharpton and many regarding the white folk. 9. There are other ways and better ways to handle things than the way those two handle the situations most of the time.And the 3rd associate of their ilk is the most ferocious of them all and the biggest bigot Louis Farrakhan, that is a dangerous man.
10. My grandson was in a fight at school recently regarding his color. He defended himself. he was suspended for fighting. The kid who called him the racial slur is being taken out of the school district . The word "Nig--r " is a hate crime word in our district here in Washington state. 11. what is black? Look in a crayon box and not one color is pure white or black.. find the colors of what your tone is and I bet you, that we are that crayon box and basically this whole sad mess is just that .. A MESS!
12. This takes all of us to look at each other and be neighbors and friends and take good care of our children and not allow this to happen at all.
Should Mr. Chapman have a second chance ? I believe he really did not know any better was raised that way. I know Denver, it is a place of "hard" and now he is getting the education of his life. Do not use your mouth like that EVER ABOUT ANYONE* None of us should and he should not have to ask Sharpton or Jackson for forgiveness, but instead the common Black people of America and the woman his son dates for forgiveness.
How do we keep this from happening at all? Start at home and never use that language at home , children really need to play with all sorts of children from all backgrounds and cultures and religions. Balnce is absolutely healthy for kids and parents need to get out and greet people and get out of their rut's too. Volunteer at school and get on school boards and know the people in your community and make sure that the kids get to play with all cultures . No name calling, no bullying, no comparing of clothes and it would be nice if no one noticed the bald kid too. Point, you begin at home and take one tongue at a time. Patience is a good start.
The epidemic of bad language and hate has got to stop! NOW that is BAD FORM* he epidemic of bad language and hate has got to stop! NOW that is BAD FORM*Yes I am upset. After years of teaching my students about these issues. I am apalled that we need to confront these issues head on again. The girls from NJ did not deserve to be under Imus' shoes .. an ugly image that really tells it like it is. What he deserves now that he has been corrected,,,,well the responsibility to let everyone know that he was wrong and the task of educating the public...because it will sensitize the community at lrge not because we forgive him...he also has a responsibility to minimize the impact on each girl as well as the team. He is an old man and we better be sure he does so soon. We need to show the public just like a classroom teacher that people learn from their mistakes.... I won't forgive him and I don't think many should but casting him out let/s us forget his responsibilities. Let's raise the conversation so that all can hear... The Jena 6....it is our fault as a society for leaving this stuff out there without more aggressively adressing it more aggressively. I don't think the public knows the whole story of Jena. But I don't the kids knew that their behavior was so repugnant.... that is part of being adolescent just as using a car at high speed or drinking and driving. We need to protect the kids by informing them...We need to find ways to vent the pain of the past without letting the kids handle the dynamite without our supervision jusst as we supervise their dances and their learning to driving. I never knew about the small pox blankets that were used on the Native Americans until I was 30; I never knew that Halloween was an opportunity to harass Jews of Europe which began as a fear of the Black Plague. We need to pull these things out in the open. Learning about the trail of tears and Manifest Destiny needs to be adressed in a way that helps us accept our responsibility for man's inhumanity to man. The story the CRUCIBLE is a good starting point. Let's educate ourselves. The Native Americans are still telling the story of man's inhumanity....what price will we have to pay for our inhumanity of today? I am glad that we know about the many noose that have been fund but it is time to deep six the reports so that the copy cating can stop; we do it for teen suicides to prevent the copycat factor (it is a serious problem for teens because they are hungry for attention. For that matter I think the same goes for the school gun incidents. need. BTW I agree with your recommendations. Keep up your advocacy for your grand children and mine; they need your perspective! I am looking forward to Dr. Phil's input! Shayna22 |
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November 17, 2007, 11:44 am PST
This poor lady has one adolescent and four babies. It does not sound like he has dealt with his issues eventhough I am sure he tried to change, The visual image of the couple seems to indicate that rhey are dealing with young indiscretions: they are not babies. This seems like a situation ripe for a split while hubby straightens himself out:: I suspect that he has never considered how he impacts his family. Well give him the name STUD |
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November 17, 2007, 12:46 pm PST
Clearly, this is becoming serious....the revelation...threat...court order/ Was she in denial? How can women protect themselves from being eluded. Shayna22 |
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November 23, 2007, 10:23 am PST
What does Dr. Phil want his audience to learn from this experience. Remember that he is clueing us in on mental health issues that we can use to help us grow insight. This is not the daily ... "who made love with my partner?" Let's start talking about the missing pregnant women in our society that keeps repeating itself? Are we supposed to just think about it and then move on with our lives? let's start talking about how do people protect themselves from intimate - danger... Why would this couple be worth three days of Dr. Phil's precious time unless he and his producers thought that there is something important for society to learn? We are so used to the 60 minute resolutions of crime stories; what is our readiness for dealing with a Peterson experince, one or two? How does a girl on a school trip go missing i.e. Holloway? We are not supposed to lash out but come away with insight for ourselves! Shayna |
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November 24, 2007, 3:27 pm PST
Marriage for romantic love is a modern concept: arranged marriages were common world wide notions just a century ago. My mother rejected the man that my grandfather arranged right here in NY. He was from the old country and she was quite modern. My grandparents eventually accepted my father a true love match. On their fiftieth anniversary the whole family celebrated in spite of the fact that my mother had violated my grandfather's wishes. We retell the story of their meeting as part of the family history; however, lessons are always drawn from it. The famous Fiddler on the Roof story shows how an Eastern European family experienced the challenge of change. My students who came from Islamic cultures are experiencing the same challenges. In fact, one fourteen year old acknowleged that her future husband is waiting for her to return to the old country. The Sally Fields story "Not Without My Child" rings true for me. It is about an American girl who marries a physician in the US. His AMERICAN education and friends reveal that he had made the transition. Their lives as couple was quite modern. However, when he returns to his country in the middle east, he encounters the pull of his culture/ religion. His wife was unaware of how hard it had been for him in America. Sally Fields ' character challenges her husband and winds up alienating his traditional family and loses her independence. The nightmare of her existence is remote for most of us; however, we don't understand that tthe cultural changes going on today are really recent and not everyone can embace the same world view of young love and devotion to family/tribe. Yes tribe. Recently, we all witnessed the strange culture out west where young men are provided simultaneously with multiple wives by their community. We see this as a horror in the general culture, but it is related to the difficulties women had in childbirth as well as the limited interaction between men and women. Plagues and communicable disease wiped out the weakest. Cultures wanted to assure themselves of the ability for the tribe/family could go on in spite of the challenges. Our society, today, appears to be settling for multiple seqential marriages with divorce and joint custody. The gay community is challenging the status quo. It did not start here in America...but we are in an ongoing dialogue about it in our culture. Within any society we are going to have variations. As our community continues to develop with a wide variety of social and religious groups, we will probably see even more variations and challenges to our way of life. Along with our wonderful car and airplane comes the ability to cross oceans and climb mountains. While I am in favor of my cultures' historical consistency, I know that my children have their own ideas that reflect their experiences and community. While respecting differences, we must, however, be prepared to protect our young. Giving our children the privilege to communicate around the world comes witth the dangers that this sign in board is discussing. Let's admit that mariage is under challenge and let's prepare our young for the full range of "styles" and options so that they are neither deceived nor put in danger. Courtship is one of the most beautiful parts of maturing to adulthood. Society's have always monitored and supervised young couples closely. Let's make sure our children know about the dangers and the joys of moving out of one's culture. Literature is filled with stories. Continuity from one generation to the next is not always a force for bad but we need to provide our kids with tools to comprehend the world that is getting smaller all the time. Our kids have more than Howdy Doody and Our Mr Sun to build experiences upon. Parents must use their judgment about their children's skills in comprehending how much danger is lurking on both the information super highway and at the corner store. However, some kids resist this kind of monitoring and parents need to take action; I am not clear how this child, Katherine, was able to leave the country without her parent's knowledge. Perhaps I am mistaken about some of the details. We as parents need to support an increase in the number of "tools" available to us. Let's not forget Shakespear's 14 year olds-- Romeo and Julliet. We are all horrified by the tragedy eventhough we appreciate their romantic love. They never even left town. In the meantime, when you find that your youngster is violating a safety rule, we need to step up to our discipline and monitoring. During the K-12 initiative of the Internet, I introduced the Information Super Highway to a mmiddle school, long before we had a graphic world wide web (WWW). Yes it was text based and few kids were excited about talking to people from far away i.e. Finland to the Phillipines. I needed to insist that parents guide their youngsters. AOL was like the wild west and teens needed feedback on their choices at home. Monitoring their kids seemed outrageous to event the most educated. I felt like horrible, but I needed to sound the warning that kids can get into trouble. I advocated no personal information without parent permisssion. Before monitoring software was developed I encouraged parents to review print outs to provide feedback in spite of the fact that kids progressed faster than their parents. I continue to insist that my students avoid street addresses, town names, school names, family names and first names. Its fun to be another character and hide behind a mask....Dr. Jeckyl and Mister Hyde are good stories for teens to learn about the dangers that we avoid. As parents we remember that we start with the boogie man and reassure children that it is our job to protect them from evil. Our lesson has to be reenforced without making our kids nervous nellies. Stories like Katherine's remind us that we cannot sit back. I am not sure how I will use it to help my students but I will let you know. Good luck Katherine! |
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