Messages By: asukavx

I suffer from more then 60 phobias, all of which are proven by me. I will list a few only on a thought that some of you will read my Diary and its entries.

Agoraphobia

Arachnophobia

Agliophobia/Algophobia

Achluophobia

Aichmophobia

Anthropophobia

Apiphobia

Apeirophobia

Athazagoraphobia

Autophobia

Caligynephobia

Catagelophobia

Cancerophobia

Chronophobia

Chronomentrophobia

Cleithropobia or Cleisiophobia.

These are just one of a bigger list... If you don't know what they mean, look them up.

Its not hard if you have lived almost a quarter of a lifetime with something like this. Its easy for me to not think about anything when I'm staying home. If I kept up going to school I would have broken. I am homeschooled now, but if I kept going, it would only end up destroying me. In science they were talking about one of the catastrophes, Big Bang Theory, about the dark matter and energy constantly expanding but then will retract then destroy everything. He makes it all look like a joke.. It hurts thinking about things like that, and it put me into an upset mood, I wasn't able to control not crying, luckily for me noone looked, or else it would have only caused more problems.

I am sure they have forgotten about me for now, 2 full years there but 1 week is all it takes to remove the memory of someone or something not worth thinking about. Besides they have more to look forward to. I only feel bad about leaving because of the Counselor who was strongly against me going to homeschool but I had to. I just had to. I understand I ran away but I had no choice, it was either fly or die.

I wonder every so often now. Its like a deadline of life, that I need to do everything possible before it happens and then just give up in the end. Everything my mother has thought of me has fallen apart, now I only live under a guise and at home of course.

It will not be possible to overcome the grief of my mothers death, let alone survive. The moment I hear the words, "Your mother has passed", that is the end of my life. I don't know if there is a name for it to be so emotionally attached to something or someone, but the bond I share with her is too strong, and when its cut, my soul will be cut from the body.

I always say anti-depressants will kill me, I've done research but I am not going to take them because it will probably overcome my will and cause me to commit suicide.

The 14th of February is my Cousin, Niece? Oh, I honestly don't know what to call her, but I am her uncle, it will be her birthday.

How do I know these things will always happen.. Everytime something good comes along, the floor will fall out right underneath my feet and I cling onto something, but I lose what I have gained.. Its not fair.

The only thing I had when I finished my school work, the only thing I ever looked forward to playing, now I am suspended and facing account loss, all because I defend myself. All because I defend myself... Kill me. Destroy me. That is all its doing, they never listen, or will, to my side of the story.

What a way to add insult to injury, all I had, all I had... I just want to sell off everything I own now and just leave. I can't take it anymore, its always something against me, no one ever stands with me or up with me.. I just want to get rid of it all now, pay back the debt to my mother and just go, I can't... I can't keep this up its just never going to work out..

My dreams are shattered now, I don't even want to go to the therapist again, and I haven't even started it.

Its the easy way out, and all I have ever done is take the easy way out, I just can't ever have something, never have something I want truly, and if I get one step closer, it pushes me three steps back.

Nothing will ever make this better. Inside myself I always think of something wild thats going on in my mentality, me, guarding myself from the racing thoughts, the enemies, all trying to kill me, and it is an endless and tiring fight, and yet I keep doing it, I keep going, all it ever is, is just me alone doing something. People may say that I am doing a good job of not committing suicide but.it is getting closer every day to that, I won't kill myself, I will let nature do it..

Too bad, a shame, a pathetic shame, nothing will ever hear of my thoughts for something new.

God does not steer one towards a path of destruction or a good life, he gave life, he may give tips but he will not control your life like this.

Don't hate someone, or dislike them for what they are, just help them, and if it doesn't work, I don't know what to say after that.

What would one tell me to do? Get real? What if I am in reality and irreality?

To understand me, read every one of my diary entries, then I look forward to what you would say to me and suggest I do. I am really open to whatever you have to say.