Messages By: kusanagi

I am more than a little dismayed by the comments made by Dr. Phil in recent shows.  One comment was in regard to his disbelief that a Child Protective Agency would ever refuse to cooperate to protect a child who said they had been molested.  I guess that might be the case if you're a professional in Dr. Phil's position, but I'm sure more than a few of us know otherwise. 

I am particularly ticked off this time.  Parents do not know how to conduct searches for their children, especially when it is a parental kidnapping.  Most do not have the resources that it takes to employ an investigator for the length of time necessary to locate the children, and are subject to varied and sundry scams perpetrated by people who call themselves investigators and promise results.  Just TRY to get the law involved, even and especially with the laws that are in place today.  Until you actually have to avail yourself of the assistance of law enforcement and the justice system you will never understand how much of an obstacle is ahead of you.  Parental kidnapping is a very controversial subject with law enforcement, many of whom are men who believe that the divorce courts are biased in favor of women.  Try getting cooperation across agency/state lines under those circumstances.  Don't even get me started on incompetent lawyers and prosecutors who are uneducated to handle parental kidnapping cases.

I am a Mother whose children were stolen from me at a time before there were laws against such a thing.  In fact, they were stolen by my ex-husband who knew that he could not have successfully gone through a custody hearing to obtain legal custody of them.  He made it clear that he only stole them to get out of paying child support.  He fled to the state of California, which fell under the "unclean hands" statutes.  But, shortly before I located them the state passed a law that would make it a felony for the other parent to come and take their children back. 

My ex's parents knew where he was and refused to give me that information, even though I proved to them that he lied to them about having legal custody of them. Even though my mother-in-law has repeatedly expressed to me that I was a good Mother and her son was wrong to do what he did, she still absolutely refused to reveal where my children were. 

My ex told his parents that he had been granted custody by the courts and that I had been found to be an unfit Mother and that he and his wife had agreed that I should not be able to see the children.  His Mother said that her husband also prevented her from revealing to me where the children were. 

I clearly remember proving to my ex-mother-in-law that my ex did not have legal custody.  I made a point of telling her that, even if he did, the courts don't even deny visitation to convicted murderers and no one had the right to deny me access to my children.

After her husband died she told me that she didn't tell me where they were, because she was afraid that I would regain custody of them and I wouldn't let her see them because of how they had kept that information from me.  No one could have blamed me if I had.  She even went so far as to tell me to move on and forget about them.  She went so far as to tell me that I should move on with my life and forget about my children until they got grown, telling me that my ex's new wife could not have children, but I could.  Can you imagine being told such a thing?  Some people are alive ONLY because it's against the law to kill them. 

There is no excuse for keeping refusing that information from a parent.  These days most states have laws that make it possible for parents to sue anyone who refuses to reveal where your children have been abducted to by the kidnapping parents, even in cases where custody has not been decided.  Also, if your children have been taken by the other parent, in most states you may obtain custody in their absence, in order to pursue the kidnapping parent by law enforcement.

The story that my ex-husband told his then wife was that he had been granted custody and that I knew where they were and that I didn't care to see the children.  That was the same story that he told my children.  That's one of two cliche' things that kidnapping parents tell the children.  They either tell the children that their other parent is dead, or that the other parent knows where you are but they don't care about you.  It practically insures that the children won't go seeking to find their other parent, especially if they are brainwashed to believe that you don't care about them.  They feel deeply rejected and come to deeply resent you.

When I finally located California phone number years later, and called it, I got my ex's wife on the phone.  Her first words were, "well, it's about time we heard from you".  I told her that they hadn't heard from me because I didn't know where they had moved and that my ex's parents had been made to promise that they would never tell me.  She was very surprised by that statement.  I told her to call my ex-mother-in-law to confirm that information.  I informed her that my ex did not have legal custody of the children and that he had taken off with them.  I told her that I wanted to talk to the children and see them.  She said her husband didn't have a problem with that, as he always wondered why I didn't want to see them.  I told her that she had been lied to and that she could confirm that information with my ex-mother-in-law.  As soon as she reported to her husband, my ex, that I had found their phone number, all communication was cut off.  She closed ranks to keep my children. 

I endured a lot over the years.  People who've never experienced this kind of thing like to pass judgement on those who have, because they're ignorant of just how inefficiently the system works.   I've had people tell me that they can't believe that the law would ever allow another parent to steal children from the other parent and conceal them, until I proved otherwise to them. 

Some people don't think there is any harm at all when a child is stolen by a parent.  No parent has anything good in mind when they conceal a child from the other parent.  Psychologically it's extremely very damaging for the children.  Even though my ex stole my children and his wife couldn't have children herself, they did nothing to form a loving relationship with the children.  My children were treated very despitefully by both of them.  They ruined my children's childhoods.

The thing that I did have in my favor is a close relative of my ex's family who promised to tell my children the truth once they were of an age and not living at home with my ex.  I did not see my daughter from the time that she was 4 years old until 15 years later.  I still have not seen my son and spoken with him, because he believes what he was brainwashed to believe.  He's been told the truth, but he chooses to believe a lie. 

My heart goes out to Darby and her Mother both, because I have lived through a very similar situation.  During the time that I was endlessly searching for my children I wanted nothing more than to die at times, but I wanted to live to see my children.

It was during those years that I taught myself how to be an investigator.  I was fortunate in that I found out how to record phone conversations and recorded my conversations with my mother-in-law, ex-husband's new wife and everyone involved over the years.  I saved the volumes of documentation that recorded everything that I did in an effort to find and regain my children.  In my case, there is no doubt about who said what or what exactly was done.

I had a thought that I wanted to add this postscript to my previous post.

Dr. Phil has had Tina Porter on his show to try to bring national attention to the parental kidnapping of her two children, Sam and Lindsay Porter.  It is a case that is very well known where I live because it happened very near here. 

Some of Dr. Phil's remarks toward the mother whose daughter was stolen by the father are very calloused in view of the Porter case that was so botched by law enforcement. 

Tina didn't get results from law enforcement and she's been fighting an uphill battle ever since.

I've followed the Porter case from the beginning and it agonizes me knowing what Tina is going through.  I also agonize for what the Mother today endured at Dr. Phil's hands.  She certainly deserves better.