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Messages By: sweetpea513

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embarrassed
January 7, 2008, 11:04 pm CST

I personally don't believe!

     My husband and I have been married for 7 years.   We were together for 3 years before we married.  I truly thought that he was my soul mate.   When we first got together I had a lot of trouble trusting, but he convinced me that what we had was real.  He worked so hard to make sure I had complete faith in him, he made me believe in myself.  We could hardly bare to be apart.  It was really sweet.   

     After we married it was like he had just built me up so he could knock me down.  He began his first affair about 1 month after our wedding.  I forgave him and I hoped that we could get back what we once had.  Now I realize we never had anything,  it was just an act.  I'm not sure how many times he has cheated.  It's not about love, it's about that excitement of a new relationship. 

     We still live together,  but that's it.  We haven't been intimate in 2 years. 

      People ask me how I can live like this and all I can say is I love him.  I don't lie to myself and pretend that he loves me, I just exist.  They say it is better to be alone than to be with someone and be lonely. Maybe that is true, but I just can't let go.

 
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sad
January 9, 2008, 9:47 pm CST

He deserves to know she's a cheater

Quote From: sage18951

I need some help.  I have had a plutonic marriage for 13 years. I met a married woman 4 years ago, and we became very good friends. We considered ourselves best-friends. Over the past 18 months, we suddenly grew into a passionate love. We both deeply felt we were soul mates. Truly in love.  A month ago I got caught when my wife read some of our e-mails.  I was wrong.

 

Now my question.  My wife wants to give all the evidence to my friends husband. He only knows that we were friends that chat and e-mailed once in a while. He has no idea of the scope of our affair.  My wife wants to send him copies of the e-mails, e-cards, neighbors that saw her car at my home on several occasions.

 

Is it good idea or bad idea to do this?  Should she send the husband the information, or leave well enough alone????

     He definitely deserves to know she is a cheater.  But I wouldn't recommend rubbing it in his face by presenting him with all of the e-mails and stuff.  At least leave him with a little bit of his dignity.  I speak from experience. 

     You should be the one to tell him. 

 
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January 10, 2008, 8:32 pm CST

Cheated On

Quote From: sage18951

"I" should tell him?

What the heck would I say?

How do you approach that?

How much detail woul I offer?

"Hello Stan, My name is Mark and I have been having an affair with your wife..." ???

 

Help me out with this.

 

Wow

     My main point was that he should be told that his wife is a cheater.  He deserves to know that his wife is putting his life in jeopardy.  But you shouldn't be cruel about it, it hurts bad enough without adding the details.  If he wants proof he'll ask for it.  As far as who tells him it really depends on the situation.  His wife should have told him.  You're wife shouldn't have to do it.  You were man enough to sleep with his wife, you should be man enough to face him.  In my case I told my husbands lovers husband about the affair.  I did it because I thought he had a right to know.  Oh and there was a part of me that hoped he would whoop my husbands ass.  But my husband wasn't man enough to face him. 

     I don't know what kind of marriage you and your wife have,  but I wish you both the best. 

     In our case it happened several years ago and it still eats at me every day.  It sucks to love a cheater. 

 
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January 11, 2008, 6:25 pm CST

Cheated On

Quote From: sage18951

I did talk to the husband and had a "chat". I explained that I was so sorry that an honest and friendly relationship turned into an affair.  Unbelievably, he said that he trusts his wife, and that I am just lying to try to hurt them and get to her!  She is actually going along with this deception as well.  He warned that I should never contact them again.  I am stunned.  For years this woman pledged to me that I was the love of her life. We even talked about our future together.  I guess I got what I was asking for.  When you play in the mud, you get filthy.

     I respect you for facing him. 

     Are you and your wife still together?

     Has this woman contacted you since you got caught?

     Do you really love this woman.  My husband and his psycho-bitch said they were in love too.  But after I caught them and all the drama was over he said that it was more about her making him feel special.  He didn't feel so special once everyone found out and she let him take all of the blame.  I didn't feel one bit sorry for him.  You play, you pay.

     You shouldn't be the only one to pay.  She should have to answer for what she has done.  Give him the proof.

 
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worried
January 13, 2008, 8:38 pm CST

ALL OF THE SIGNS ARE THERE

Quote From: agrant1514

 I don't really know where to start.  My husband and i have been married for 5 years this febuary. We have 2 children together and 1 each from other realationships.  About 8 months ago he started acting strange . Not wanting to do anything with me and the kids. He would always be working he would rather work than be home with us. He was spending money like it was water. He would over spend our account run up creidt cards. He would never say anything about it when i would confront him on it. He would never do anything he said he would. If i asked him to pay a bill or do somthing he would lie to my face and say he did it. He stoped kissing me and sex stoped altogether. One day i was being snoppy in his cell phone and i found naked pictures of a girl and some text messages from her too.  He was sleeping when i found them i woke him up and told him to leave. He came home the next day and said he met her online and she didn't even live in our state. So we talked and we both decided we want to work it out. Now since then about 3 months ago its been this up and down roller coster . I come home from visiting family and  some of my stuff is put up and away. He took all my things out of the bathroom and but them in the other one or under the sink the same with the kids stuff too.  There was a ash tray on my coffee table when i came home with butts in it . He smokes but never in the house.  I don't know if someone was here and he was trying to hid the fact that we were still together. My house looks like a woman lives there and kids too so i don't know why he only moved somethings. He won't answer his phone . I am so lost and sad. He keeps saying he sorry and he wants to try but he just keep lying and hurting me. I am suppose to go see the Doctor about a lump in my breast i just found and i am so scared he was suppose to go with me. I dont' see why he does this too us. I have given him so many chances but i just dont know how much more i can take. He is ex army so when have gone through things before he was gone overseas for two years all together and we never had problems like this ever. I love him so much but i can't live my life this way its not fair to our kids .  also i found on our bank statments that he got hotel rooms i asked him about them . He said he stayed there alone and he just got them to make me mad. I don't know what happend to the wonderful man i married its like someone fliped a switch and he changed . He was never like this before .
     It definitely sounds like he has something going on.  He obviously isn't man enough to admit it.  You may need to investigate a little further.  But first and foremost you have to take care of your health.  I wish you the best.
 
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January 16, 2008, 8:42 pm CST

Is This Normal?

Quote From: ecotech

I met a gentleman through my previous employment in April. I live and work in Colorado, he lives and works in Indiana. We are in the same age group, we are both married with adult children. He was a consultant to the company I worked for.  I was the admin assistant.  I have only physically met/seen this man twice.  Both times in the office setting.  The only "touching" between us have been hello and goodbye hugs, again in the office setting with other co-workers around.   Somewhere along the way through email, we have become intimate.  I orginally thought that we were just writing fantasies.  This has now escalated to phone calls and basically having "phone sex".  I feel guilty, but at the same time very excited and I think this has helped my husband's and my sex life.  Am I really cheating?

     I would say you are definetly cheating.

     You may want to explain it you husband and ask him if he thinks you're cheating.

 
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frustrated
January 22, 2008, 12:07 pm CST

NO SEX

     My husband and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years, and only once to prior year.  So I have had sex once in the past 3 years.   He had an affair which ended just over 3 years ago.  At first  the lack of sex didn't bother me bacause I was so hurt over the cheating.  I have asked him about it a couple of times and he just said "it's not you".  So what can it be? 
 
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January 28, 2008, 9:04 pm CST

01/28 The Baggy Pants Debate

Quote From: commsolutn

Great show Dr. Phil.

Seriously, the simple solution here is to decide what you will and wont stand for.  No ordinance required.  Parents, don't want your children wearing their pants low and their boxers hanging out? then dont buy em  the pants that  can do that. My hat's off to the mom that chases her sons around to check on them - great work - more of us should do that.

SECOND AND MORE IMPORTANT - Business owners (like us) send these boys packing when they come in your store dressed inappropriately. Don't interview them when they show up dressed like a lazy bum - guess what,  they'll work for you like a lazy bum. I set a dress code and stick to it. I'd rather have fewer people working that REALLY work then a bunch of these kids that don't care about themselves, your business or your customer! First time they're sent home, 2nd time they're gone - for good!

We have walked out of restaurants, retail stores, even McDonald's because we were served by people in baggy pants and underwear showing - and we've told the owner or manager EVERY TIME why we were leaving. If everyone who works or shops just says NO to underwear showing - it WILL go away

A city ordinance isn't the way to go - PULL YOUR PANTS UP is great.  If everyone that runs a business and every parent tired of seeing their son (and daughters) disrespect them in their dress and used their walet and their economic buying power - it will go away.
I  agree
 
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frustrated
January 28, 2008, 9:39 pm CST

Yes, it looks tacky

I personally think that the "saggin" is look tacky and I wish they would pull their pants up.  But it's no worse than some of the other fads out there.  If you are so personally offended, the next time you see someones underwear sticking out run up and give them a great big wedgy.  That's what I did to my son.  He learned real quick to either pull his pants up or pull his shirt down over the underwear. 
 
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January 28, 2008, 10:14 pm CST

Communication

Quote From: tigress69

*Any advice from those with more experience than I will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

I have been in the same relationship for over 6 years. We were engaged and the wedding was all set and planned. We ran into some issues and had to cancel. (I was devastated!) That was almost 3 years ago. We have had a problem connecting sexually ever since I started back to college full time (in 2006) while working part time and he had a much larger burden at work to deal with. We broke it off in May of '07 (at his suggestion) and spent the summer apart. He wanted to get back together all summer but I had started seeing someone I have known for 10 years during the break. (Back story: The new person and I were always an item until he moved out of the country and got married after I had been with my current partner for over a year. He was away in the military and when he came home we were always together During these times we weren't having sex with anyone else. We had lost contact for about 5 yrs.because his wife knew I was his girlfriend back home. Then, he contacted me out of the blue about 2 years ago to tell me he was getting a divorce. And when my boyfriend broke it off last May, I ran to the old flame.) Here is the issue, I didn't want to give up on the 6 yrs. so I decided that I should at least give it another shot so I would never wonder about it. In doing so, I have felt that the sex with my current 6 yr. partner is just not as satisfying. And honestly, our sex life has always been that way for the 6 yrs. We waited 1 1/2 yrs. to even have sex, then he was gone for a 15 month deployment while I planned the wedding. The summer relationship was full of the best sex I have ever had! And it wasn't what I would consider "new" sex. The guy I am with is wonderful, we get along very well, we want the same things in life, but the sex has never been what I really wanted. The old flame always wanted to marry me but I just wasn't sure back then and the sex with him is fantastic! I only had reservations about that relationship because the ex-wife still wants him back (she cheated) and they share a 4 yr. old daughter (whom I adore and vice versa). That means 30% of his income goes to the ex and there is lots of drama. With the current beau, it seems perfect (except the sex) and neither one of us has been married nor do we have children. I always thought sex wasn't as important as the friendship and that's why I stayed so long and gave it another shot. Now I'm not so sure I can deal with this type of sex in our relationship. Last thing....I really do love them both. The paths just lead to 2 completely different lives for me. I just want to choose the right path.

I know the story seems choppy, but this is the short version. Any advice would help. Thanks!

It sounds like you need be more open with the one you have been with for 6 years.  Tell him what you want sexually.  Maybe you just need to take charge. 
 

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