Messages By: terrielm

Have any of you ever confronted your abuser about the sexual abuse? If so, how was it handled? This opportunity has recently come up for me and I want to take advantage of it. But what does one actually say? I just want to truly resolve this part of my life so that I can move on. Any advice?

Thanks so much for your messages. I have actually been through counseling years ago and did try to confront the abuser (a male cousin) about 11 years ago. Needless to say, it didn't go very well. He started out pleasant but got angrier the more I pushed the blame on him. He kept saying that yes he remembered the incident but "we were kids" at that time. I reminded him that "we" weren't kids, I was a child of 8 and he was 17. There was a big difference! He was an adult! He got angry and started firing off insults, told me I was nothing but s**t, and left. Not much was accomplished. I'm sure he was shocked that I would ever bring up the taboo subject. I thought at the time that I was done with it because I rarely ever see this cousin. Things change. Supposedly this cousin is now a preacher and some of my family members have joined his church and a lot of this "old stuff" has resurfaced. My brother has wrongfully interfered many times in trying to get me to forgive his pastor (my brother is co-pastor at my cousin's church). This whole mess has caused a lot of resentment within my family. I just refuse to smile and say "okay, no harm done, I forgive you" when I know better. Of course I was harmed. My life was altered because of his actions. My family can't seem to understand that. By the way, my wanting to confront him is for my benefit only, not for my family or him. I want to get this resolved for good and move on.  

Hi! I'm sorry I seemed to disappear, I got busy and just didn't think to check the message board. I was pleased to see your response. I read your message to oreo...about your abuse. I am amazed at the similarity of your story. In my family there are six brothers and sisters...and we were all abused as children without any of the others knowing. We each thought we were suffering this alone. All of this came to the surface years ago when I started discussing my therapy sessions with my older brother. He then revealed to me that he was sexually abused. After that I started talking to my other siblings and discovered that we had all experienced the same thing. No one knew about the others. And what really saddens me is that this is the same brother who kept pushing me to make amends with my abuser. Especially when he hasn't really dealt with his own issues. He's one of those Christians that believes we should forgive everyone simply because the Bible tells us so. Now, I believe in God, in fact I am in the ministry of music, but I have enough sense to know that when God told us to forgive, he meant from the heart, not just words coming out of your mouth. Some things just take time. Each one of my siblings handles "life" in their own way: two have turned to drugs and alcohol for most of their lives; one completely distances herself from the family; one shows very little emotion...ever; the "Christian" brother has battled...still battles drugs, alcohol, and homosexuality; and me, I was very promiscuous between the ages of 17 and 21 and I overeat. I've had a weight problem all my life. No surprise there, huh.

 

Sometimes when I read the messages on the board, a strong sense of sadness comes over me. But I think it's in a good way. I mean, it's sad that soooo many people have been abused and some of the stories remind me of my experiences. I think that's what brings me to tears but at the same time I am amazed at what we have each survived in our lives. Unfortunately, not every victim makes it out alive or in their right mind, you know.

 

By the way, congrats on your weight loss. What are the major differences you feel in your body now?

I too watched Prime Time about the ex-polygamist. The father simply disgusted me. To compare his daughter to cattle, then to say he didn't remember her abuse, then to say yes he kind of remembered it but it wasn't that bad... it's just not human. To answer your question, Labelfree, I think we will always react with tears and compassion. I think when we hear a victim tell their story, we have an instant connection with them because we've been there. I've often wondered myself will I ever stop having this reaction. No, I don't think it will ever go away. But that's not bad. As someone stated earlier, I think it just gives us that much more compassion for victims. I am always amazed at how many people I've met and come to know that have been sexually abused. Really, there are many. I don't think it is coincidence that we cross paths. Perhaps it is so that we can help those that have yet to work through this. Now when I hear children tell how they told someone about the abuse and reported it to the police, I cry, but it's with pride and amazement at their bravery. By telling, they stopped the abuse and exposed the pedophile. I wish I had been that brave at that age.

I just wanted to add to the bunches of wisdom being pointed your way. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, just please be careful and always follow your "intuition". If you have any doubts, then hold off on dating him. It won't hurt anything if you decide to continue just talking. You have something that deserves to cherished and worth waiting on...You!  Also, the other day you posted a message in which you mentioned you weren't sure if your mom has actually abused you. The truth is yes, she has. She abused you by not stopping the abuse that she was probably aware of. She abused you by looking the other way. She abused you by not believing you when you told her the facts (even though deep down she knows it's true). She abuses you by allowing her husband to treat you the way he does. I have a teenage daughter myself. I've never been married; however, if I ever do marry, my daughter will always be protected first. Period!