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Messages By: kochkie
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February 2, 2006, 5:35 pm PST
 This is for Tracey. Your so-called husband is no different from any other lowlife scumbag who is cheating on his wife. He can try and dress up his actions with innocuous sounding names, but what it all boils down to is that he is screwing around on you. He has already said that he has no remorse for his actions and his pathetic attempt to try and solicit sympathy by asking why? why? did I do it, is just that...pathetic. This guy is a smooth talking, manipulative cheater who has stripped your self-confidence completely from you. For him to sit there and claim he is really a nice guy is ludicrous. He has attempted to drag you into the sewer with him, by trying to get you to accept this. He WILL NOT change, he WILL NOT turn into Mr. Wonderful, and things will never be the same again between the two of you. He has aquired a taste for this activity because it makes him feel good and it is exciting to him. He has crossed boundaries that can never be regained. For you to say that you have no hatred for the other woman defies credulity. At this stage you should hate the both of them for what they have done. Don't believe his lies that he will change. He has already changed ...into what you see before you. Please accept any help you can get to regain your self-confidence and self-respect to get out of this mess. Do not subject your kids to watching this. They are losing respect for you by seeing you accept his behaviour. Save yourself and your kids.This is no marriage...it is a guys dream of a harem. Someone to cook and clean and look after the kids. And someone to play with on the side, with his wife's permission yet! Don't let him play you for a fool any longer. Quote- There is no illusion more fatal, no folly more profound, then a man's belief that he can lie and scheme and cheat his way thru life- and then afford the luxury of being a good person. For nothing is more certain then that we truly do become what we do. |
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March 2, 2006, 5:38 am PST
Quote From: skimom4 Hi all-
I'm new to the boards. I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life. Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!). I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.
In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.
In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......
......until December.
After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband. It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think. I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table. Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.
He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok. He is 15 years older than me. And married.......
Bad move.
So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart". He's married. I'm married. I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me. I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there. Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"??? I don't know. But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more. I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this. Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel. I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......
Did I know it was a problem? Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again. But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me. And I let him kiss me. My husband would be sooooo hurt. I feel so terribly. I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things. Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children. But I learned that night it didn't.
I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you). I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with. I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.
I don't know what to do. I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.
Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....
I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night. Now I'm the one being "judged". I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.
Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-
For God sake , STOP AND THINK!!! As someone who is speaking from experience by having a husband of 35 years cheat on me, and eventually leave me to marry his whore, DO NOT PURSUE THIS! It will rip the heart and soul from your husband and family. Not only will you be doing this to your immediate family, but to all extended family and to your friends. We do not exist in a vacuum. What we do affects many others, like a stone thrown in a pond... the ripples extend forever. Don't you understand...it doesn't matter what you supposedly "feel" for this guy. They are not true feelings, no matter how real they seem. They are feelings based on newness and excitment...the forbidden. Your ego is being stroked. You think you've still "got it". Adults don't make decisions based on just feelings. As the famous philosopher Edith Prickley once said, "everyone's in touch with their feelings...no one's in touch with their brains". If you do this you will have lost your integrity. People will not trust you. They will change their opinions of you. A lifetime of being a good, decent respected person can be thrown away for a moments pleasure. You must stop ALL contact with this guy and turn your complete focus to your husband. You are not a stupid, gullible 13 year old girl who thinks that she has found her "soulmate" just because she has hot pants for some guy. And please don't even try to say it's not about sex and feel good feelings...that it is something deeper. That's crap!! Just because it makes you "feel" good does not give you the right to destroy peoples live. Do not become a whore for a few nice feelings. Don't sell yourself for so little. I also think that if you decide to continue therapy and completely reject this horrendous act of committing adultery, DO NOT tell your husband. Even though you have not proceeded very far with this, he will never forget it...and possibly never forgive it. Do not attempt to allay your gult by being "honest" with him. To what end? To completely destroy his trust in you? To make him wonder forever if this has happened before? To make him think that your whole marriage is a lie? Instead, decide you will live by your morals no matter how you feel. Shift your focus, put yourself completely into your life and home, not some fantasy lover. Believe me when I say this, this is the worst thing that one spouse can do to another. In my books it is unforgivable. And you will be judged, as you should be. Do not be a person who destroys others lives just so you can "feel good'. Having morals doesn't really count for very much, until you face temptation. That is when you find out if you have the right stuff. It's easy to say you take the high road if there is never an opportunity to CHOOSE. Please CHOOSE the high road. Read these boards. They are filled with pain and unbelievable heartbreak and destruction because one spouse has made a stupid, stupid decision that affects the lives of others. Don't do that to your family. Find your decency again. Good luck. |
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