Messages By: yoadrienne

I lost a dear friend at age 53 also.  That is one of the reasons I don't mind turning 50 either.  My daughter had an "accountablity" group in high school that she has continued to meet with in her adult life.  Out of the 4 other girls in the group, one has lost both parents and a younger brother, and two have lost their dads.  All of these adults were in their early 50s.  Three were cancer related and one was a tragic car accident. 

I think after seeing all of this unravel I'll be even more thankful when I turn 60!  I just be thankful to MAKE it to 60 no matter how I look when I arrive.  We never know how much time we have on this earth.  We have to count every day as a blessing.  It doesn't mean that we don't stumble and struggle through many of those days at times.  It just means that we figure out what is truly important and we focus on that instead of what we can't change or have little control over. 

I agree...it's a 'void' in their lives, but how does one determine what that 'void' is?

I have a beautiful, intelligent, successful, 37 year old daughter that drives me crazy with her 'shopping'!  I raised her with plenty of "No's" and plenty of training.  Allowance was earned, part was saved, budgets were created.  When she wanted her first pair of Nikes (at 13), I told her to 'get a job'...she did!  She babysat to earn those Nikes!  She had to buy her own car...including her first one.  She was well taught on the value of a dollar and how to spend/save.

Her first job was at a shoe store and it was then that I began to see a 'problem'.  She had little to no 'paycheck' at the end of the week and her room was filled with clothes, shoes, jewlery and makeup.

She went into the Air Force rite after graduation and has spent the rest of her adult life there.  She has never been married, has a 10 year old son and lives with her father.  Every time she is deployed, mom takes care of her son, cleans her place and gets her bills caught up.  On top of being a shopaholic, she is a hoarder (so is her father).

She has a huge heart and gives to folks in need, does for several charities, and overwhelms her family and friends at Christmas.  Her son?  SPOILED!  She was warned from the time he was born, what her parenting 'style' would do, but she wouldn't listen to anyone.  She thought it was 'cute' and he was her only child.  "He will have what I didn't."  At 8, she suddenly slammed on the brakes...it wasn't 'cute' anymore when the school began to call.  The result?  She has become abusive with him and he is now in therapy.  She won't even admit there is a 'problem' with her...let alone get help.

Last year, she was deployed to Iraq.  Her son was already living with me so the transition wasn't too bad.  As it neared time for her to come back, her son began to have tantrums.  It sadly became obvious that he didn't want her to come back!  Rite before it was time for her to return, my situation changed and he was forced to return to live with his mom.  Moving him back, I discovered the ugly truth about the way my daughter and grandson lived.  I had to report her...for my grandsons sake.

With a broken leg, I dug through mountains of 'stuff' just to find a bed.  The cats had used my grandsons room as a liter box - I had to gut his room and start from scratch.  All summer, I slaved in the basement of my former husbands house, trying to dig through tons of clothing, trash and cat feces.  It wasn't pretty, nor was it 'done' when she returned.  She returned with a 30 day 'notice' that if she didn't clean up the environment, her son would be removed.  Needless to say, these have been some 'trying' times.  I couldn't believe my daughter, who always looks so well put together, was living in such filth.  You couldn't find the floor!  Brand new items were on the floor being walked on!

In the effort to 'clean up', much of the 'stuff' was boxed or bagged to be sorted later.  She was furious and went on an extended 'shopping spree' to 'replace' what she couldn't 'find'.  She could afford to do that...mom had paid all her debts, including some from 1996 and had thousands in her savings account!  I got laid up with a broken wrist and herniated disks in my neck...the clean-up came to a stand-still.  I asked her about her 'need to shop'.  She said she gets a 'high' from it.  I asked her about the bills...she doesn't worry about them!  I asked her if she is happy living like this...she didn't answer.  I asked her if she thought buying for her son the way she does was 'good for him'.  I was told "I make good money and like to spend it...big deal....MY son will NOT be raised the way I was...he won't wear bobos or wait for his birthday or Christmas for new clothes..............."  I was devestated!  This is 'my' fault?  Perhaps it is.  Perhaps I said "no" too often, made her wait too long, made her feel inferior to her friends?  Did this put the 'void' in her that she is trying to fill now?  Meantime...what happens to my grandson?  After living with me, she knows better than to beat him like she used to, but how do I stop the over indulgence?  How do I stop her from trying to 'buy' his love?  If you could have been here at Christmas.....it's pathetic! 

Is it the parent's fault these people have 'voids'?  If so, what do we do now?  It will be interesting to see Dr. Phil's take on this issue.

Sunny

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am a single parent who had my son at 31.  I would not have an abortion or encourage a child of mine to resolve a pregnancy with abortion.  I began a dialog with my son who is now 11 at about the age of 3 when he would try to give me passionate kisses like he saw on TV commercials.  As he ages more I find through our dialog appropriate conversations about sex for his age.

One thing I am very proud of is if you ask him what he is going to do with his life he says quote: "I am going to finish high school, go to college, have a nice Christian girl friend, graduate from college, get married and have 6 kids and you and Nana (my mom) are going to come live with me to help us raise the kids."  LOL  Now I do not fool myself into thinking it is that easy.  I do know that we talk about these values including not drinking and not doing drugs on at least a weekly basis and sometimes daily.  As you say, it is an ongoing conversation and you have to take advantage of every light bulb moment, even when you are tired and would rather just tuck them in for bed.

You asked about how to stop a teen mom from having multiple pregnancies.  After I had my son as a single person who took birth control I let my live in boyfriend know that until there was a marriage certificate there was no more sex.  I had come to the conclusion, no sex, no chance of a baby.  I love my son don't get me wrong but he deserved to have two parents.  His dad opted to move out the day my son was born and has not paid child support or been involved with my sons life.

Due to becoming disabled I received disability and it is impossible to give my son everything he deserves let alone to give him the basics.  I am very thrifty and my mom is very generous.  I would not be at all insulted or feel my rights were being infringed on if I was required to have an IUD or have to have birth control shots and prove it to continue to receive food stamps, medical, etc.  I am blown away at the food shelf when there are moms there who have 4-5 kids and they plan on having more.  Tax payers are paying for these children and in most cases the mothers are to young to make decisions for themselves let alone give guidance to their children.

Had I known that I would become disabled and have to live off the system I would have given my son up for adoption and this is not because I do not love him.  By the time he comes home from school I miss him so much, he is like the sun to me.  I believe children of teen or single mothers and those on "welfare" are discriminated against by other kids and parents all the time.  I have been fortunate in that I had, had a very reputable job and my friends from church were woman who respected me.  My son still does not know we get food from a food shelf or assistance and I believe I have done the best thing for him  by not telling him.  I am still discriminated against by many in my own family and others in the community and my son is discriminated against by some moms for having a mom who is not married. Thank goodness for the friends that we do have, my son does not see the others who can be quite cruel. 

The real question you asked about preventing multiple children from single teenage moms.  Moms who have to live on the system are teenagers or not married and even a family who has to be on the system should voluntarily do something not to bring babies into the world.  It takes love to raise a child but it also takes money and if you receive assistance you can not afford to be a parent.  I would have loved  4 children of my own but I know they deserve to start with two parents in the home and I should be able to support them.  Things happen along the road of life but you have to get on the right road to start with.

I know, strange views from a single mom, huh?