Messages By: jennyhalfpint2

I've been married for 20 years.  I think if this couple wants to stay in their marriage.  Both of them need to take a hard look of what they've been through, what to do now and what is going to happen to them in the future.  Unfortunately, they weren't honest with each other in the beginning of their relationship.  By not being honest, it makes it more difficult to trust and to be honest with each other.  I believe that to make a good marriage work, you have to openly talk to your spouse everyday.  Tell them how you feel, using "I messages".  Not to blame or criticize.  Express your feelings,  "I felt angry because you did this and now I am overwhelmed, is an example.   Take the time to talk, not when your busy trying to go to work or when the children want your attention.  I believe that the 1st five years of my marriage were rocking too.  I still believe that we are still going to fight and have conflicts.  It is how we communicate.  We have our rules, no throwing things.  If things get too out of control, one of us has the right to say. "You're upset with me and I'm so angry at you.  We need to stop and take five and come back to this later."  Then I walk away to cool off. 

 

Good luck! 

I think that this young couple should seek some help from a marriage counselor and seriously think about what they are doing to themselves and the relationship to each other.  With a baby on the way, this makes things more difficult.  I personaly think that this couple should wait before getting married. 

I have lived with a father who drank a lot.  He would come home from work and have his first martini and a paper.  His drinking became to a funny drunk, to awful. My dad was a causal drinker.  He would have several drinks at parties, he would go out with the soft ball work team and have a few drinks.  I think he drank to get away from the stress.  He had a lot of stress at work.  The drinking became more of a habit from the time I was about ten years old and up until I left for college.   I would tell my mom that dad had his 3 martini and if he wanted to keep him happy, don't pick a fight.  Mom didn't listen, try to talk about things, their money situation, the children, etc.  My parents would end up fighting and yelling.  I would retreive to my bedroom and try to do my homework. 

 

Today, my father is living on his own raising two teenage girls from his second marriage. His second wife recently passed away, December 2007. 

 

I do know that my father continues to drink his martinis and I told my half sisters that at times he may retreat to his study, watch the game and have a few drinks. 

 

I told them that I had a few rules of my own when it comes to drinking. 

 

One was if I was going out to drink, I would have a designated driver.  If I couldn't find a ride, I would take a taxi cab home.  I would leave my car keys at home, so that I would not be tempted to drive behind the wheel.

 

Two, as I got older, I found that I had more control drinking in my own home than throwing up at some bar in front of my friends. 

 

Three, if I'm home, my own bathroom and bed are right there too.

 

Four, I always follow this rule, if I'm at a party, I'd ask the host/hostess where could I keep my car keys.  There would be an ashtray.  Everyone attended the party knew that if you were going to have too much, to put the car keys in the ashtray.  The coffee went on at 11:00 pm.  People were encouraged to sleep on the couch downstairs.  Only one time the host had to take the keys away from someone, because they insisted on driving home and the host knew that he had too much to drink.  These are my real friends, the friends that I work with at the road races.  Yes, we all like to drink hard on Friday and Saturday nights.  Later we found out that trying to work Flagging and Communications, at 8:00 am the next morning was not an easy task espeically if you had too much to drink the night before. 

 

Five, meaning, I limit my self to no more than 3 drinks!!  When I finished my 3rd drink, I begin to drink water to rehydrate. 

 

Six, it's more fun to drink on the weekend.  NOT fun during the week night, when you have to be at work by 7:00 am.  Unfourtnately my coworker has some drinks during the work week.  She ends up calling in sick. 

 

As a teenager, I drank with my friends, but I found out that it was not fun to be around of friends that made a total fool of themselves.  I think as you age, you become wiser and learn from your mistakes. 

 

I know when a person or you've become an alcoholic is when you lost your job, your family, having fights with the people you love, not paying the bills and wanting that 1st drink right when you wake up in the morning.  I know when you've become an alcoholic is when you cant' face the pain and the frustrations in your life and you feel that you have to escape from it  all. 

 

The best way to release stress is to do some aerobic excersise.  Write things down, keep a journal, talk to a close friend, relative or someone you can trust.  Get support from your church group.  The difficult part is admitting that you have a drinking problem.  I think once you acknowledge this, you're half way there to recovery.  I support those who continue to go to AA or talk to close friends. 

 

My friends at my race car parties have stopped drinking, due to health reasons.  They made sure that they always had a cup of water or a soft drink.  Some of them went cold turkey and stopped drinking.

 

People drink for a lot of reasons, and as long as you do it safely and no one gets hurt, I feel no more 3 drinks every now and then is okay.  Just drink responble. 

  I think I understand how some people feel.  My adapted mother wanted to push me harder.  I realize later in life that she was doing this so that I could excell in the things that she didn't or couldn't do.  I often felt frustrated, angry and sometimes out of control.  I put more pressure on myself to do better.  Often times, I heard, "You can do better than that, or you can try harder."  The message that I got was clear, no matter how hard I tried it was not good enough to meet my mother's expectations.  My adopted father realized that I did the best that I could do, even though it was a C on a paper.  He would often praise me and said something like, "Good job!'   He left it at that.  My mother would continue to bother me, really made me feel guilty and angry.  Out of my anger I worked harder, but I did it only to please her and not myself. 

 

Later on in life, I often felt that sometimes my boss would expect more from me, because I was a perfectionsist.  If I messed up, they were surprised and often I had the feeling, like I did not expect that from you, I thought you could do better.  The more I try to please someone, the more demanding they became. 

 

Example, caring for  a child in my special ed classroom.  The child's mother put more pressure on me to meet her child's goals.  I've lost one day, and stated something like, "Look lady, give me a break!!!  I'm doing the best I can to help your child in the classroom, but I also have 7 other children that need my attention too."  Meaning that your child is not the only one in the classroom.  I felt very pressured to meet the demands of this parent.  Next thing that I knew I was in my coordinator's office explaining why I wrote that comment on the daily sheet.  The poor child!  He was only 3 years old, with several medical and special needs, but. I wanted him to experience what it was like to be a child.  If he was not eating or sleeping he was  in therapy.  His mother signed him up for extra therapy sessions.  He had therapy on Saturday and Sunday!  He sometimes cry, which was his way of complaining that he was tired and he just wanted to play!

 

Today, I catch myself in trying to do better. At times, I realize that I have to let things go.  Even though I may hear it from my boss.  I then tell my boss, I'm only human and there is so much that I can do in a day.  I do meet all of my deadlines and have always turned in my papers, reports, etc. on time .  My coworkers know that I'm a perfectionist and it drives them crazy!  I hear from them, "It's okay, let it go!"

 

I do receive praise from my boss, yesterday she commented that I was a team player and thanked me for stepping in and filling in for the people and other staff.  In fact she left me in charge at the end of the day, so that she could leave early.  It feels good to hear praise from other people, makes the work worthwhile.

This is a difficult subject for me because I am not a parent.  I am a special ed teacher, and I have worked with two year olds in the past 12 years. I'm currently working on my Master's in special education and hope to graduate this coming fall.  I want to work with children of special needs.  This summer, I will be doing my practicum and working with Jr. High and high school students.  A big change for me, since I'm used to working with early childhood children.

 

 I also in some ways have became a parent to my younger brother when he was having a difficult time in his life.  He was 14-15 at the time, smoked a pack a day.  He would fight with our mom.  At times, being the big sister, I've stepped in between my mom and my little brother.  I had to physically break up the fighting between the two of them. I was so angry at my mom.  Because she was not being the parent.  I had to calm her down and talk to her about how to deal with my brother.  There was a lot of conflict and stress in the house at that time.  I was home at times on spring break, summer from college.  I was trying to make my mark in the world and trying very hard to make it out on my own.  I too had a difficult teenage life. My mother had a anger issue too, my father was busy working and often gone overseas.  He also drank a lot.  The drinking was to relieve the stress from work and his marriage.  I was able to move on and have some peace with my father and my mother.  My parents got divorced in my junior year of college.  This was at least 26 years ago. 

 

Now my little brother is almost 37 years old and is in a correctional facility with a felon for having a sexual assult and a  relationship with a minor.  It breaks my heart and I wished that things were different for him at the time he was a teenager.  But I can't live the past.

 

My suggestion is that to be patient and pray.  Listen to your teenager.  My mother was so busy being so angry at the world, that she took it out on me.  (Verbal abuse).  Similiar to the show about a parent that is angry at her children aired not too long ago.  My father had more patience, but not much time to really be there for me.  He was going through a lot of stress in his marriage and he just shut himself down.  One day, he made the move, filed for a divorce and moved out.  That was when I was about to be a freshman in 1982.  The divorce was final around 1985-1986.  Today, my father and I have a great father-daughter relationship.  My relationship with my mother took more time.  We've talked, but it took more work and a lot of trust.

 

Seek suggestions from a school counselor, someone from church.  It's hard for me, but I feel the concern and the need that your son is seeking for attention and is acting this way to get attention.  My father had a lot to deal with when my brother was getting himself into negative situations.  My father is still trying to help my brother.  I guess no matter how old you are, you are always a parent and that you want the best for your child.  No matter what crime he/she has done. 

 

From the teacher's point of view, I try to listen to my student's (children) listen to what they are really saying to you.  I take the time to talk to them at least 5 minutes a day.  I tell a 2 year old, that I'm talking to John Doe, wait your turn."  Take the time to talk and listen to the parents.  They've asked me what to do if their child misbehaves.  I can only suggest, I tell them to have another plan, in case plan A didn't work.

 

I would suggest talking to your child's teacher(s).  Be proactive, ask them if there are any ideas, suggestions that you can do to help your son.  Be patient and a good listener.  Try not to critiicize.  Colloborate with the teachers, administrators, ask for a counselor. 

 

Your child's education is important and I feel that once they have a chance to sit down and really talk about what is going on, your son may open up and trust you. 

 

Man this is difficult.  I feel like I am reliving my brother's life when he was a teenager and what my mother and father could have done.  I wished that my parents took the time to talk to him.  Talk to him at a relaxed time, just say."I'd like to talk to you, sometime soon, maybe after practice?"  When that time comes, be calm, don't critiicize listen!!  Be honest and tell the truth.  We as a family, except for my father, went to family counseling.  We had to listen and not interupt the other person while they were talking.  It was then that we were able to move on.  Even though there was  a lot of hurt, anger that came out in family therapy.  I am suggesting that family therapy may help. 

 

I'm sure that every teenager would want to feel good about talking and being honest with their parents.  As for my brother, he has no desire to talk or visit my mother.  I do not blame him, for all of the hurt that he has gone through.  Yet he is just as stubborn, he has a lot of anger himself that he has not been able to let go of.  My brother hs a good relationship with our father.  We are both adopted, I was adopted first, then we adopted  my brother in 1971 when he was 14 months old.  When I mention our parents, I'm speaking of our adopted parents. Good luck and I too will pray for your son.

 

 

Wow!  I was taught that money does not grow on trees.  I was taught that I had to earn things.  Just because I wanted a piece of candy in the grocery store, and mom said, "no".  NO meant NO.  Mom did not care if I threw the biggest tantrum.  All mom had to do was to say NO and give me the look. 

 

I was wondering if this started when your daughter was younger, wanting things that she could not have.  And you gave in because buying material things would make her happy, made you happy and just to have a quiet child?  Even if your life was a mess? 

 

I remember as young as seven years old.  I had my first allowance.  My mother took the time to help me make a chart.  Explaining to me tha value of money.  Do you do this?  I was seven!!  I had to save a dollar, I had a dollar to put in the offerring at church, I had a dollar each day for lunch money ($5.00) , I dollar for Girl Scouts, and I had a dollar to spend on what ever I wanted.  Now that  was about $9.00.  If I wanted a toy or candy.  I'd ask, "Mom can I have this?"  Mom would respond, "Do you have enough for your allowance?"  I f I did not have enough money from my allowance, I was encouraged to save.  Or neogiate with my mother/father.  "I will borrow $1.00 from you and I will pay you back, Or I need to save $2.00, so I can purchase this next time.  I would plead and beg, like ALL children do.  The main thing, mom held her foot down and NO meant NO!

 

I would leave with my parents whimpering, sulking, etc.  Until my mother told me to stop it. 

 

As I grew older, my alllowance increased.  My the age of 12,  I was doing small chores around the house to earn money.  Such as extra load of laundry, baby sitting, paper route, recycling, etc.  I also learned that we work for money.  (Example, people earn a living by becoming a doctor and receive a check.) 

 

We learned that we have work to do to help the community.  The community consisted of the household.  Chores had to be done such as keeping our rooms clean, laundry, cooking dinner, grocery shopping, taking care of our pets, helping in the community such as working in a soup kitchen, a nurserying home.  This is work that is done and we do not get a pay check, we do this out of personal satisifaction.

 

As I grew older age of sixteen, mom said, "No more allowance, You can find a part time job after school."  Since then I have been working and realized if I wanted clothes, CD's, videos, go to the movies, etc.  This came out of my pay check.  When I was home for college.  I paid rent, paid for part of the groceries and some of the bills. 

 

I did not own my first car, until I was married at the age of 22, had to pay for my car insurance, rent, bills, etc.  Just being married, we've saved our money.  Ten years later, we bought our first home. 

 

I've kept an accounting record.  Today, I keep track on how much money I spend, what I've spent it on and how much I save.  I vaulable lesson that my mother and father took the time to teach me.  I wish that more parents  do this.  Children grow up expecting this and that.  Just because their peers have the latest pair of jeans, does not mean I had them.  Unless I was willing to buy them with my allowance money. 

 

I do not think it is too late for you to set the rules to your daughter about money.   YES she would be unhappy, get angry, hate you, etc.  But come on, who is the parent?  Is she working part time, helping you make ends meet?  I'm sure you are a one income family.  Are there other children in the house?  Is it fair to them?  Do they expect the same? 

 

Children who grow up learning the value of money are more appreciative of the material things that they have and they take better care of it. 

Fat abusers is a term that people use to put down people who are excessively obese.  I know it is wrong to criticize people for being overweight.  Many people who are overweight have other health problems,  concerns, problems and issues that cause them to eat. 

 

I wish that people would stop and not judge people who are overweight.  They need a friend or someone to talk and listen to their concerns.  I stated that they have other problems that they can't deal with on their own.  They seek counseling.  They also need a strong person to listen to their concerns.  In time, when they have control over their life, meaning that they can cope with the negative issues that contribute to their eating habits, then they will do something about their weight. 

 

I have a good friend who is overweight and she is aware of the fact that she is overweight.  She also has a lot of other issues and hurt inside her.  She knows that she can call me and talk whenever she is feeling down.  She continues to see a therapist.  In time she will take control of her life and become a positive person that has a lot of self respect and esteem, she will then take care of herself.  Every day, little by little she is coping with her own demons and fears.  She has a lot of health problems and the medication that she is on, makes her gain weight. 

 

I give her more respect, knowing that she is doing the best that she can to try take better care of her self.  Like most people, she has her bad days and slips through the cracks and over eats.  She eats to get away from the pain that she is feeling inside of her and she eats to get away from the pressues that she is coping with today in her environment.  For now she has moved to a better environment and she would  not be subjected to negative things that were harming her, emotionally, ,mentally, spirtually and physically.

 

My final thought, people who are overweight have a reason to be  overweight and for whatever reason it may be, they need a lot of positive support from their friends, spouses, and family.  STOP the Criiticizing and listen to them. 

I think the bride shoudl lighten up, it was a long time ago!!!  What wonderful memories and did any one get hurt?  I'm sure that the immediate family and guest won't  forget your big day.  The groom has a sense of humor and I like that in a man. 

 

I'm happily married and this August will be 21 years.  Now, I realize that everyone girl wants to be a princess for the day and she dreams of the perfect day.  But in reality something is going to wrong.  All you can do is laugh, try to fix the problem and go on!!  It amazes me that this couple made it this long.  I think she should be more open and communicate with her spouse her true feelings.  What is marriage?  It is for better or for worse, till death do us apart..  It seems like she has some baggage that she's been carrying.  Now I think is the time for this couple to be real honest withthemselves.  Ask themselves where do they see themselves 5, 10 20, 50 or 70 years from now?  What goals do they want to achieve as a couple?  I agree with all of those couples who've made it past the 10 year annivesary, it gets better.  I also believe that it takes work, commitment, honesty and the truth to make any marriage a successful and happy one.

Everyone has the right to watch whatever they like. I personally think you should still watch the show.  You may or may not agree, but you may learn something.  Think about your own marriage, does it need some work?  Are you happy where you are at?  You may or may not find the answers, but you can start with yourself and make yourself happy. 

Congratulations!  Did you get married this year, July 28, 2008?  Hopefully someday, maybe your first wedding anniversary you can go on your honeymoon. 

 

I agree, keep these words in your life and marriage God, hope, faith, trust and love in each other.