Messages By: cuzican927

Hi... I've been married for 10 years and for most of it been unhappy. I never should've gotten married at all but I thought me and my husband got along well and could make it work. A lot of things happened between us early on, things I can't forgive or get past. Hubby has made me feel dirty and used... like all I was good for was getting him off. I no longer sleep with him in the same room or bed and I can't stomach the thought of ever having sex with him or any kind of affection at all. I have been a stay at home mom all this time and I'm completely dependent on him for money right now. I have two sons at home, no job, no family to go to close by. In the past I've tried to talk with my husband about how he made me feel. I've tried to make things better between us but he's always too busy with work or sleep to spend any time working on our relationship. I'm done trying. I don't love him. I don't care to work on our marriage any more. I just want out. What should I do? A couple of years ago I told my husband I thought we should get a divorce because I don't love him and I don't think he loves me. His response was that I just felt bad about myself. He thought if I could wait until I could work that I'd feel better about myself and then I wouldn't feel bad about our marriage. I told him he was wrong about that and the kids were the only reason I was still with him. I told him that once the kids were older and out of the house, I'd have no reason to stay any longer. My husband then said that he thought once the kids were older and out of the house, we'd have more time to spend together! He didn't take my feelings seriously obviously. And although he claimed he wanted us to work on things, nothing has changed. He works more hours than ever and when he's around, all he does is sleep. Not that it matters... I hate spending time around him. I'm ready to move on but I feel stuck. I have two kids and no job. How can I leave? I have nowhere to go. I feel like asking him to move out but I don't know if he'll leave. I'm so unhappy and frustrated that it's making me a terrible person to be around. I feel trapped here and I can't stand it. My kids deserve a mom that is happy and I'm not, not at all. Help please. If anyone has been in a similar situation and found a way out, I'd love to hear your advice. Or anyone's advice really. I don't know what to do. I know if I didn't have kids, I'd have left years ago.

Kim

wow!  I'm 46 and our stories sound so much alike.  I don't have a live in mom but I am a home health aide and take care of alzheimer patients.  My husband also said the reason I was not happy was because I am going thru memopause.  I also suffer with depression.  I am now at a place where I can see things from a different view.  Its like looking in a window and watching my life unfold before me.  I can see all that has happened in the past and why it happened the way it did.  I watch Dr. Phill every day (I have TEVO)  and listened to him talk about getting real about the marriage and "You can't change what you don't acknowledge"   I wasn't quite sure what all that meant but I finally bought his book "Relationship Rescue" and it has made such a change in my attitude about life and marriage.  I feel stronger and able to handle the problems and realize that it wasn't just me, he had a part in the problems too.  We can't change our partners, if they are not there for us in our time of need then we need to change our out look of the situation and change what we can.  Have you ever seen the saying "God, please help me to change what I can, accept what I can't and help me to see the difference"  I don't think I quoted it right but it went something like that.  We I can see now what I can change and I have accepted what I can't change.  I am in the process of giving my husband one last chance.  He is reading the book and if he wants to change then things will work out but what I think will happen is he will say that there is nothing wrong with him and I am just going to have to accept it.  At which time I will serve him papers. 

Jack Daniels will not help you to be there for your mother.  You have a lot on you plate and you can't go back now and change your decisions.  I mean about your mom.  I too told my mom that I would take care of her in her time of need.  But there will come a time when you can't do it alone.  If your husband is not there with you and for your support then its best you change it.  It will be hard on your own but at least you don't have to care for him and have him giving you a quilt trip every time that you are not paying attention to him.  I don't know if you are receiving help now and I don't know how your state is about home health care but in Ohio we have the worst state help for home care.  Even though mom is living with you there is still help out there that can lighten you load alittle and you don't have to feel quilty about it because you are giving your mom better care because you are taking care of yourself also.

Your husband is not telling you the truth about being upset that your mom is there.  If that was the case he would support you.  Some men and mine is this way also feel its there right to have a woman care for them and when something gets in the way their ego gets hurt.  I'm not wise beyond my years I just read all this stuff in Dr. Phil's book and maybe if you have the time you could read it also.  If not I can send you some of the advise that he says in the book in this message board.  Think about it.  It does help.

I need help. My wife and I are most likely getting a divorce. I dont want to get into many details, except I have done a few things to her that hurt her emotionally and made her not feel safe with me. That caused her to feel safe with someone else and I cought her cheating on me. So it has been a horrendous roller coaster. When it comes down to us divorcing she cant see herself being a part time parent (she is a homemaker). I can understand that. I can also see me not wanting to be alone either. We have been married over 12 years. What I need help on is what is everyones thoughts on this: She wants to live in the house when we divorce so she can be with the children, so she can be a full time parent. She will get a job, pay for bills and live in the basement. We discussed it a month ago and thought it was great but after thinking about it I dont think its a good idea. I am not going to tell you guys my reasons why cause I want to influence anyone. So please tell me your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am anxious to read your reponses. I am in a similar situation. I've been married for over 13 years and have three children.  When I started to date the woman I married, it was after breaking up with a wonderful girl that I was dating. I was ticked and she was a rebound. It was for fun.  She (we) got pregnant and I married out of responsibility. I was not a young kid so I felt I must step up. But there has never been any true "in love" emotions. Mostly just like room mates co-existing to care for the kids. Poor communication. We don't really argue or fight in front of the kids, but they certainly don't see a loving partnership. The kind that I wish for them someday to have.  It is hard to lay your head on the pillow almost every night and regret your situation (not the wonderful kids) and wonder "what if"...

I've tried talking to her so many times. Taking her to counseling three times, and she just does not want to try. When I have mentioned divorce, she just says that I will never leave the kids... I need her to keep the house...   I wonder how much longer I should give this.  How old is "old enough" for the children to be able to rationalize and deal with a divorce?

Recently, after realizing that I was seriously attracted to someone else and ready to pack my bags, she is suddenly motivated to try and make things better. That 'other' woman has left my life.

I believe it is too late. It was never really there in the first place. 

I was thinking that when I'm at the end of my life, I would truly regret not sharing it with a true, loving partner.  But I so worry about the kids.  I would give my life for them, so maybe sacrificing my desire for a relationship is a small price to pay.  What to do, what to do...

Jodi

the book is not only to help you in your marriage it will help you to realize that the problems in this marriage is not only your fault but his as well.   It also talks about personalities and problem solving.  Even if your husband doesn't read it you get a better understanding about your inner core.  Who you are and why you react to life the way you do.  It gets you out of the "What is wrong with me that I can't make this marriage work" or "What do I have to do to make it work".  There is 2 people in a marriage and its takes 2 to save it.  If the other partner is not willing to "get real" about what is going on it gives you the insight to make the decision to move on.

Unfortunatlly,  I'm at that place right now.  I went to see a lawyer on Friday.  I'm getting my paper work together to file.  My husband has a personality what Dr. Phil calls "Smoke and Mirrors".  He says he will do anything to stay in the marriage.  Yet he does nothing.  He goes to the counselors but will not talk.  He says to me I'll help around the house more and then only does it for 1 or 2 days.  I gave him the book and he said "I'll read it for you".  But he will not do the excersises and write into his journal.  You can't get real if you don't do the work.  He says that he has been faithful in the marriage but yet I suppect things and have confronted him about it and he says "I'll never break our vouls"  yet I have things that just don't add up and the lawyer and counselor said sounds like he has been unfaithful.  The lawyer said we can ask him under oath but I'm not sure I want to know now.  It will not change my mind.  I'm still leaving.  I was so down on myself because I was so unhappy I just couldn't understand why it was not working.  Now I know.  I was unhappy because he was not following thru with any of his promises and I was left with nothing.  A feeling that I was not good enough for him because I couldn't make him love me more.  Make him want to be with me and talk to me.  I'm not a rambler when it comes to talk but he was never listening to me when I was talking.  I told the counselor that I felt like I had 4 children instead of 3 and a husband. 

He did something over this weekend that made the whole family mad.  Worse then that my oldest and I could get into some hot water because of his lying on government documents.  He just blew it off like oh well!  No big deal.  Now I have to take care of that and again clean up his mess.  I'm just sick and tired of his attitude.  His lack of concern for his family.

Anyways, just give it a try.  Try to get it at the library so if you really don't want to read, you are not out of money.  But it you just try it will really help.

There are times that we get upset and there are times we dont. No one would be allowed at the house, it would be the kids sanctuary. So if you base everything off of the house is holy ground for the kids, no dates are alowed to pick us up at the house. What do you think now? I wish I could talk to Dr Phil, I really NEED help. I am so upset, scared, emotionaly drained, loosing a ton of weight, I just dont know what to do and either does her. We still love eachother but cant get over what happened, she is not willing to give up her privacy that got her where she is now!

Your right the mother was shown to be a very angery and nasty,  but  Lisa was no Daughter of the  year either. They look more like act like  two neighbors who hate eachother, then mother and daughter.

You have fences going up, tp-ing and cake batter being thrown , signs of being shot, camrasbeing put up, the police being called, nasty name being yelled, its like the Hatfields and McCoys fighting over land.  and nobody speaking of love, just things.

They are 40 and 60 something, dragging both of their families into their petty fight, know they are asking Dr. Phil to point out who is right, which in my opinion the Doc. will not do, he will point out both of their responibilities in it, will they see their part in it, I guess we will have to wait until the next show.