Messages By: suebonnetsue

My best friend of fifteen years was a borderline. I didnt realize how sick she was until she moved in with me and until I saw the way she interacted with her infant daughter, who by the way I took care of as if she was my own (sick people make bad parents). She was removed from my house after she cut herself up in my bathroom, which was of course my fault according to her. Borderlines are kind of like emotional black holes, no matter how much love you give them it is never enough and it is never their fault. They will also take away their affection from you as soon as they perceive a slight, you go from all good to all bad in an instant.  My last boyfriend was a narcissists and I was snowed by him for awhile until I came out of my denial phase and realized what he was. The two are very closely related but narcissists tend to be men and are less emotional or dramatic even though they cause most of the drama they claim to not like (at least for me). They both project, split, deny, and distort reality but a narcissist will talk more about their achievements (job, degrees ect) in a sort of superior manner to those around them and will also act as if they deserve all the credit because nobody helped them. They also seem to be more verbally and physically threatening. Borderlines are better at emotional manipulation are highly dramatic or hysterical. The one thing that stood out about Sonya was the evilness in her actions, they were on purpose. I have never seen that, but I have heard of it. They inflict huge amounts of pain but it usually seems to be unconscious because they are too busy protecting themselves, with immature defense mechanisms.  

Like I said I dont know how I know. Its just that when you are so entangled with someone who is sick like that you learn to spot the signs, in an almost automatic fashion. The best way is to see whether or not the person seems to be able to have empathy if you cry foul. A narcissist or a borderline will almost always deny your claim with some sort of ego defense mechanism. A narcissist or borderline (especially borderlines) have and do things that can almost look like empathy/kindness but when you take a closer look it is really selfish and about them. Pseudo empathy in my opinion is easier to spot in a narcissist, borderlines do a much better job at making it look like the real thing i.e. like giving her grandkids Christmas ordainments and making their reaction to them all about her and using it as an excuse to deny them love later when they cry out for it. The giving or the ordainment was meant to look like a kind gesture of giving them something to hold onto, but it wasnt what they wanted (and she knows that) it was a set up.   A person who acts narcissistic like or borderline like maybe because of their childhood will still have the ability to see some sort of reason when you say ouch that hurts, they are also the ones who actually go to therapy to get help when they cant manage their life.

here you go, you said you where looking for it,

I agree that the granddaughter was way to involed in the mother and daughters argument, but for the quilts, I disagree, the quilts mean alot to me and my family, do I need them to remember her no not by far, but do they make me think of her from time to time yes,

There is so much drama in your family because Sonya works overtime to create it.

Everything I saw makes me think Sonya has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  You need research this and learn how to deal with a family member with this personality. 

Sonja does not behave like a normal person.   The major thing is not to get too close and do not say or do anything that can be manipulated into a personal insult.  You will never have a normal loving relationship with someone with BPD.

Things consistant with BPD that I am familiar with:

A totally distrusting nature.

Heightened sense of insult  (elevating tiny things into personal insult)

Everything is about self: how it affects or the persons emotional response to the situation.

Inability to control their emotional response. 

Always has someone on their sh** list. 

Insulting others severely, but not accepting the smallest insult

Using money to manipulate

Never forgetting or forgiving

Very little empathy for others feelings.  (Only on an intelectual level, but not on a true emotional level)

Refusal to accept any blame for the poor relationship or an emotional blow-up.

I am sure there are more official lists, but these are the things I am familiar with and experienced in my family. 

N

I also have had a mother who pitted her children against one another, and used her will as manipualtion.

My only other sibling was turned against me, and then when he died in a motorcycle accident, my mother then started to turn my only daughter against me. No matter what my daughter did, even if it was clearly wrong,  (she had an affair and it ruined her marriage) My mother sided with her against her own parents. I am clearly saddened. Now I find that she has made sure my daughter has control over her affairs when she passes on, to "punish" me, regarding things I just cannot condone.

What mother in their right mind would alienate their only child at age 82? Makes no sense to me, I have to stay away for my sanity,

     People who hoard to this extent are not rational.  Reasoning with them will accomplish nothing.  They simply go on hoarding.  It is as if they think the garbage men are their personal enemies.

     Our neighbor is like this.  I don't know what the inside of her house looks like, but the outside is pretty pathetic.  She can't put her car in the driveway.  It is on her front lawn because she has a pile of garbage on her driveway    Once a year, she receives an order from the county that the yard is a fire code violation.  Southern Idaho is on the north tip of the Great Basin Desert.  (Less than ten inches of rainfall a year, most of it in the spring)   Weeks can go by in the summertime without so much as a cloud in the sky and daytime highs around 95 degrees.  

     This causes the county to present her with a court order every summer about her yard.  The fire department volunteers move her car to the street.  They get out the week whackers and then try mowing her yard.  Once they trimmed the poor tree. 

     She had a fit.