Messages By: lucseaball

first of all it is no pity party for any  any person in that state i know i live it every day i dont feel sorry for myself i just dont want to be here and yes i do believe in god and i do pray to him but when u feel as i do for as long as i have maybe u would think different no one can understand  your thoughts or feelings until they live it a lifetime  as i have u dont know my only mistake is that i lived through my attempts

i realize u r concerned because of some things u have experienced with your child similar to mine but honestly people make it sound so easy saying yes that there is help out there for people like me.  I have been in counseling on and off since i was in second grade i am now 37 in the last 5 years i have been hospitalized voluntarily and involuntarily at least 6 times probably more cant keep track anymore.  All they do is keep changing your medications which can screw with you mentally and physically as well.  I was going to a mental health center for 2 years but it was decided im not sure through who but that i made too much money (even tho I was on disability and had been for a few years)  and that i no longer qualified to recieve mental health treatment.  That was over 2 years ago.  Since then i have lost over 70 lbs which i had gained due to the medications which never helped or changed my mood in the first place.  I have been on so many different medications i cant even remember half of them anymore.  I tried in Aug to end it all by taking over 100 pills, a variety, which i had gotten from different people and just saved up. I drank as much as possible and swallowed them all.  I was found the next morning and taken to the hospital.  I was then threatened by a mental health professional that he was going to commit me to this place for 72 hours involuntarily.  I explained that the place he wanted to send me was a horrible institution and that i had been there once before and it was not the kind of place i needed to be in.  These were severely disturbed people who would and could lash out at you physically as it happened to me before by some large man that I had never done anything to--I kept to myself. Threatening to put me in there is only going to make matters worse.  So I said I was fine and  that I would go for an appt with the mental health agency Monday.  I never went but I did call my old psychologist who has known me for 20 years and arranged an appt. The MHP's ()menatal health professionals) showed up at my work 2 days later threatening me-- this is not the way to handle a person who is already on the edge.  I dont want to hurt my family but I have never fit in with them I feel that I am only a burden not a family member.  I know there is a few of them that actually do love me but they never have been understand what the hell is wrong with me.  So yes I have tried but it has never done a damn thing for me.  I just know if i ever try again a different method will be used because taking lots of pills and alcohol does not do it.  And by the way I did try before my last attempt to reach out for help I did call the suicide prevention number and Dr. Phil is wrong they do get your number even if it is a private number and they will send police to your house---and the police dont care.  At least not where i live.