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Messages By: bobbinmatt

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giddy
July 23, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

Hi Darcy and everyone

wow this is strange. wonder how it will all work out....Darcy I couldn't remember my password but I got an e-mail from the Dr. P site that let me reset my password. Just thought I would check out the new format you were telling me about and say hi to anyone who remembers me:) Life is going really well. Hubby and I are as close as ever....it amazes me the changes we have gone through since I found that crap on the computer. Things are so much better between us now, we are so much closer and he is so much more present!! He still drives me crazy sometimes.....as I am sure I drive him a little bonkers too. Hey Darcy....I found some house plans perfect for me.....has everything I want and isn't the size of a small castle either....if I see you on MSN I'll send them to you. I love this house, maybe we'll be building at the same time:)
 
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July 23, 2005, 3:35 pm CDT

How Porn Has Affected Our Relationship

wow now I get to try out the reply part of this whole thing. I can't wait to see the house plans you found. I have looked at so many at this point and time i am getting sick of them! LOL hubby and I are going out tonight so i don't know how much i will be online until later. I don't think we are staying out to late. We are going to a rib fest! Yummy! Also got to get a couple things to fix the water line to the washing maching. some hose and clamp or something.....i don't know

glad to hear you and hubby are doing well. Isn't life good when porn isn't distracting from the marriage? have a good evening!

I won't be on tonight either...my best friend is coming over for scary movies....we're watching "Boogyman" "Hide and Seek" and "The Grudge" don't know if any of them will be any good or even scary for that matter but we're hoping:)

Yep life is much better without porn....just wish we could do something about how graphic commercials and tv are getting....it is everywhere really!!

 
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July 24, 2005, 7:53 am CDT

hi ya

Hey how were the movies? As scary as you hoped? The ribs were good. Very hot today and a good chance of storm. We are working on the utility room still today but I may have to find something cooler to do.

Talk at you later!

we only rented the Grudge and boogyman, hide and seek were all rented and sice we weren't going to be able to start watching the movies until after 9 we thought two would be enough anyways:) The Grudge was pretty good....i thought the ending stunk but it actually had some creepy parts. Boogyman was even better I think. I like getting creeped out, but honestly it is the pshycological thrillers that seem to scare me more....or more realistic supernatural movies. Between the movies and chatting it was 3:30 by the time my friend left and the kids got up at 6:15 today. i'm tired!!

 
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July 28, 2005, 10:55 am CDT

I've been there:(

Quote From: kellyp

Hi everyone, I am new to the board and I just wanted to vent a little to someone who would understand, and this looks like the best place.  Glad to have found it.  I have been married to my husband for over ten years, and we have been "together" for over 12.  We are in our mid thirties, and I have known him my whole life, actually, but like someone said earlier, you never really know a person until you live with them.  I think what is really bothering me the most is the deception.  He never actually lied to me about looking at porn, but then again I never had any reason to be suspicious of that.  Like I said, I knew him my whole life - at least I thought I knew him.   I found it on the computer over a year ago - there were these weird pop-ups that were adult content, and I wasn't really sure where they came from.  I asked him, and he said that they could have come from anywhere or from someone else sending him an email and that came with it unintentionally.  I believed him too.  Once I figured out how to look around on the computer I found all kinds of stuff in the history and temporary files.  I was sick - I felt betrayed.  The idea that he was willfully looking at sexual images of other women to pleasure himself crushed me.  I looked at the dates of the temporary internet files and when I checked my calendar I saw that he was doing it whenever I left town on business.  I was away working and he, in my opinion, was cheating in his mind with other women.  I felt so stupid, inadequate, and unattractive - and I was 6 months pregnant with our second child at the time, and I felt like a "house" anyway.  I had wondered all along why he had decided to have a password on our home computer for his profile, but never set one up for me.  When I confronted him, he said "it's not abnormal", and "everyone does it" - I know those are common excuses.  I asked him if I had never found it would he still be looking at it - he said he couldn't say that he wouldn't.  I asked him if it was "what Kelly doesn't know won't hurt her?"  and he said "yes" - but then he added that "it doesn't change the way I feel about you honey".  I think it has changed the way I feel about him - I haven't had the courage to tell him that.  It's been a year - but I'm still suspicious.  I still check our home computer - there is no evidence and he has not been deleting the history to cover-up.  Every time I'm away overnight anywhere I am suspicious of him on the internet looking at porn.  I desperately want to believe that he has stopped.  I do know that he goes to the Howard Stern website and has followed links to the homepages (nothing further) of some of the guests from the show - strippers and porn stars.  He says when he gets to the homepage he doesn't go any further, and that he just wants to see what they look like since Howard says that they're "hot".  I asked him how long he's been looking at porn on the internet.  He didn't answer, so I asked "since we got the internet?" (1997) and his reply was "yeah, probably."  I just feel so conned - or tricked - or like he thinks he's pulled one over on me.    It's that part that hurts the most.  Omission of the truth, for me, is the same as lying to my face - because I had a false belief about the way my marriage was and about my husband.  He has friends who I know talk to him about websites they view and that these same friends have invited him on more than one occasion to go to strip clubs while they are visiting us in our hometown.  I know he didn't go - opted for Hooters instead.  (I was in constant contact via cell phone and I saw the receipt).  How can I move past this and get over my suspicion??  I think about this every day. I am paranoid and I wonder that if he hasn't been forthcoming on this, what else has he failed to tell me so as not to hurt me?  The deception hurts the most.  (sorry so long!!)

I have been in your shoes, almost exactly. I have been with my hubby for 15 years and just celebrated our 10th wedding anniverwsay. a little over a year ago I came accross porn on the computer, i was 8 months preg with our 4th baby. My husband though saw the pain he caused me had total remorse for what he had done to me and realized that he stood to loose the woman who loves him and daily life with his 4 children all over porn. He hadn't viewed his looking at porn as cheating but I did. He thought until he saw my pain that it was no big deal. I asked him how he would feel if i did it. He said it wouldn't bother him. So I said (excuse my directness here)"Oh really so if i went looking at hot guys who were really built and well hung so that i could get all turned on and fullfill some need you weren't fullfilling that wouldn't bother you?" When I put it like that he got it. Our marriage is so much better now. We are in a great place and I trust him. It took time, and honestly I still feel insecure sometimes, but I do trust him. I think the reason this is with you so much of the time still is because it really doesn't sound like your hubby got it. He didn't get how much it hurt you or why. He may have stopped but that is because he doesn't want to get in trouble or cause trouble but you don't seem to feel like he really understands the pain he caused you. You should talk to him let him know, in a calm unaccusing way, that you are still insecure over this, let him know how much he hurt you and why it hurt so deeply. Let him know that you think you just really need him to get it to be able to put it behind you. He will have to support you and feel remorse about the pain he caused for you to be able to get closure. At the same time if you decide to continue on and want to trust him again you're going to have to dive in. You are going to have to put your heart back out there and trust that he won't do this to you again. That is what trust is all about. It is scary but worth it if it all turns out. Good luck and know that there is hope in moving past this. Love yourself and get to know who you are again....being a mom and wife sometimes leaves us little time for ourselves and knowing/loving ourselves is one of the best tools we have for not only being a good mom and wife but for dealing with situations like this as well.
 
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July 28, 2005, 10:56 am CDT

Hi ya!

Quote From: allinall

The Log In gets timed out. I've once again written a lengthy post, while logged in, and it was lost when I was sent back to the Log In.

Either I need to learn to be a much faster typist, keep my thoughts shorter or quit trying altogether.

This new format is in serious need of rework.
how are you doing? Hope all is well! I agree this new format needs work!! :)
 
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July 28, 2005, 5:41 pm CDT

just thought i would say...

Quote From: sandman4u

Just because you and I watch and enjoy porn, that doesn't mean everyone on this board should (or does).  It is a man's/woman's personal PRIVATE choice whether to indulge in porn or not.  And as long as the person with the opposing viewpoint doesn't shove their beliefs down other peoples' throats, then it is possible that we can all discuss ideas and different points of view on this subject without getting hostile, judgemental or holier-than-thou.  Our opinions are heard and noted, but we have to becareful to not insinuate that others should live as we do just because it works for us.
that was a very well put reply. I do not enjoy porn, and because of experiences i can say that I hate it. It has no place in my life....including my marriage. Now I do feel that it is having a terrible effect on society so i would like to challange the idea that porn is fine overall. However I do not like to judge people and feel that if two people choose to have this in their own relationship privately then that is their business. I do feel that the industry takes advantage of young women and leads them into a dark world that is hard to escape from and though that is not always the case it is the case often enough. I agree that though we are on differant sides of this discussion that if we are able to communicate in a respectful way then we can have intelligent conversations about this and perhaps better understand each others views.
 
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August 27, 2005, 8:45 pm CDT

jeannine

Quote From: jeannine31

I'm sure she'll remember what i'm talking about - I wish I remembered it better, but it's something to do with standing on a cliff and learning to fly ... I don't know!!  Anyway, I would really appreciate it if you ask her about it.  Tell her I say HI, too! 

I can't remember it exactly, i'll look around and see if i can find it...i deleted it by accident and it's my favorite quote:(    

     Anyways, it went something like this??? 

  

      When you stand at a cliff at the edge of everything you've known about to step into darkness you will find one of two things that you will find a floor solid beneath your feet or life will teach you to fly. 

  

I know that's not exactly it and not as well put as the original but I think that is the quote you were talking about. Like I said if I find it (and I hope I do!!!) I'll post it to you. I'm not here very often at all anymore, a little too negative for me these days. Do you still have my e-mail address (if you do please don't post it here....either of them) if you do go ahead and e-mail me and when (if) I find it i could e-mail it to you....I don't have your e-mail anymore (sorry).  

  

Hope things are going well for you! How are those babies doing, groing crazy fast I bet!! 

  

  

Take care, 

Bobbinmatt 

 
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September 4, 2005, 5:36 pm CDT

Darcy and Luv have it

Quote From: jeannine31

But glad to say HI to you - I hope you are doing well!!  That is the quote I was thinking of!  I had it somewhere too and now I can't find it - darn!  Oh well - I am not sure if I still have your email address, i'll look.   

  

Thanks so much - gotta run! 

  

Jeannine 

if you still have theirs, you could e-mail them and get mine. Ummmm still can't find the quote though, not that i've had a chance to look really....i know i have the book still it's just a matter of finding it in my organized chaos:) 

  

take care you!! 

Bobbi 

 
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September 19, 2005, 10:33 am CDT

Just checkin' in

Hello to everyone, 

     I just wanted to pop in again, like i do every once in a while to let those who are going through a rough time because of porn know that there is hope. I found out my hubby was looking at porn on the internet when i was about 8 months preg. with our 4th baby. I was floored and lost. I felt like everything i based our marriage on was a lie. I felt like i didn't really know my husband and questioned his love for me. I mean how could he love me and hurt me so badly? Well, it was his reaction and support that really allowed me to be willing to try to work past my pain. He saw the pain he caused me and it changed him, he understood in that moment what he had done, and what he stood to loose. He never for one moment blamed me, he never said, if only this or you should have that...he said what he did was stupid and selfish and he just didn't allow himself to think it through to the point of how badly it would hurt me. He told me it was unimportant to him he would never do it again and then the biggie he was patient with me. The pain and the mistrust lingered and still pops into my mind every now and then. He knew why I felt that way, he knew he caused me to feel that way and would do whatever he could to help me through those tought times...that often meant just giving me a hug and saying he was sorry for hurting me so badly. Our marriage has grown, we are closer than ever, we are more romantic with each other and we have both found a new appreciation for eachother and the life that we share.  It was hell and I wish that we could have reached this place in our relationship without having to have gone through all that but it is great now...amazing now. There is hope, things can work out if your guy realizes the pain he has caused and truely regrets it and supports you through all you have to work through it can work out and be better than ever!   

Just thought I would let any of the new people who may be feeling as lost as I did, know there is hope....things can get better:) 

 
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October 13, 2005, 3:47 pm CDT

I have an honest question

Quote From: allinall

 How many times have I brought up what God has stated in the Bible about the obligation of a sexual relationship in the marriage and been met with the responce that God would not want a woman to do what made her uncomfortable doing.  Excuse me but God said nothing about only is she feels comfortable with it. What was meant was he was saying *you* CAN feel comfortable with it because I said you can, and should.

I am a Christian but am not familiar with specific passages of the Bible. I was wondering if you could clerify this post of yours for me. You say the bible comments on sexual obligation of the wife, but then you say it is meant to tell you only that you can feel comfortable having a sexual relationship with your spouse. Does the Bible say how often the wife should satisfy her husband, or does it also say how a husband should treat his wife? I know that women sometimes withold sex from their husbands (not the way to fix a marriage by the way) because their husbands aren't treating them with honour and respect. I also know that some husbands do not treat their wife with honour and respect because she is witholding sex from him. Sometimes this vicious circle has gone on so long no one can remember who started it or why. Anyways....sorry to ramble on but  I was just wondering if you could clear that up for me. :) thanks 

 

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