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Messages By: needing2heal

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July 24, 2008, 2:02 pm PDT

healing...

Quote From: zandgsmom

I am 28 years old and for over half my life I've been trying to vent the things I lived through but couldn't find the words or a forum.  I came to this board today and read the accounts (I won't call them stories because that is what it was called everytime I told) of all of you beautiful women who have found the voice to talk.  My mother moved my brother and I in with our stepfather in March of 1989.  Just a few weeks after my ninth birthday.  My brother was 8.  My stepfather was a local police officer and EMT.  Well respected in the community with a nice house and income.  Something we hadn't had before.  To this day I can remember my amazement at walking into the kitchen and opening cabinets and the fridge and there being FOOD there.  Milk in jugs cold from the grocery and not mixed up powder in a pitcher.  Meat that came from the freezer and not a commodity can.  It was like being at my grandma's house where it was all good and free for anyone to eat.  I remember looking up at this man who I thought at the time was a superhero and asking with tear filled eyes if I could have a can of soda all my own.  He kneeled down and said "baby you can eat or drink anything you want and as much of it as you  please.  you will never go hungry again."  I thought OMG!  this is such a change from my mother's first husband (who had adopted me he was my brother's father) who sold the foodstamps the state allotted us for money to buy pot and would take us to grandma's at least twice a week where we'd get a full meal.  I threw my arms around his neck crying thanking him telling him I'd be a good girl and not make noise when he slept and get good grades.  I thought this was our salvation.  He was true to his word and made sure there was always good food in the house, clothes new clothes on our backs, for the first time ever I had a winter coat I didn't share with my brother, a bed room of my own and little things like shampoo were such a big deal to me.  My mother gave birth to my baby sister in April 1990.  She planned a wedding to my stepfather in September of that year.  Things were amazing.  When school let out for the summer in May of 1990 I called my aunt and uncle in Ft Campbell KY where he was stationed although at the time it was just my aunt and cousins in the house because my uncle was deployed to Iraq fighting in Operation Desert Storm.  I stayed the whole summer with them (I'd done this my entire life) until August when I went home to prepare for school and the upcoming wedding.  I was so excited to see my brother, my baby sister, and my older soon to be stepbrother as well as mom and new stepfather.  I got home that day and put my stuff away, played with my baby sister who seemed to grow so much in that amount of time.  When bed time came my brothers fell asleep in my older brother's bedroom playing with one of those toy wrestling rings and wrestlers.  My mom took the baby and they went into my parents room and were soon asleep.  My stepfather who I still had hero worship for invited me to sit in his lap and watch a movie with him.  I can still remember the smell of fabric softener on my strawberry shortcake nightgown, clutching the little girl quilt my grandma made me at birth, climbing into his lap.  For a while he talked to me about my trip and told me how much they all missed me and how glad he was his little girl was home.  We settled in to watch an old ford fairlane movie.  He had his arms around me and I could feel one hand on my knee.  It didn't really startle me since he was always so affectionate and I craved that.  Before I knew it his hand was in my little girl panties............they were day of the week and the day was Saturday.  I didn't know what to do!  No one had ever talked to me about good and bad touching and what to do. I only knew that it felt "icky" and I didn't like it but was afraid to ask him to stop.  Eventually he stopped on  his own and sent me to my bedroom.  I didn't sleep that night.  The next day it was as though nothing had happened.  I didn't know how to tell my mother and she was so busy with this wedding.  The weeks wore on and nothing else happened but I had changed.  My usual chatterbox was quiet, I didn't want to play outside.  With four kids in the house one of them not even a year old I guess mom didn't notice.  They were married in September.  Time wore on and still I withdrew and didn't say a word until one night on a room check (making sure we kids kept them clean and all) my stepdad pulled a tote from under my bed full of the food I'd been hiding.  Nothing that would rot.  Crackers, jars of peanut butter, and such, afraid of being hungry again.  He was going to spank me and my mother wanted to know why I am doing this.  SO I TOLD.  I told how I was afraid he'd touch me again and that I wouldn't be allowed to eat.  I'd no longer have that priveledge.  He and she packed me into the car and took me to the hospital where I was examined (torture to a ten year old girl) and the doctor said there were signs that something had happened but could have been caused by active play.  My mother called me a liar and I was making things up.  It was the first beating I recieved for this from her.   I was asked why I'd want to tear apart my new life and hurt such a good man and I was to hug, kiss, and apologise to him.  We went home.  Things went back to "normal" but I guess her reaction told him that he could get away with molesting me.  By the time I was 12 it was full blown rape in the middle of the night with whispers of you will not tell, mom will not believe you, no one will believe you.  I was cut off from my summer visit with my aunt out of fear I'd tell and SHE WOULD BELIEVE ME.  It wasn't until I was almost 15 that my older brother (my stepdad's son) 18 at the time walked in and screamed the house down with "Dad stop you are  hurting her" beating on my mother's closed and locked door.  She couldn't ignore it or call me a liar with my brothers standing there calling the police.  The same police he worked with.  Only one believed me.  After investigation, the police hiding him for weeks, and behind doors deals with lawyers I still do not know what he was charged with but served only 18 months in a minimum security detention center where my mother visited him weekly and lived off his trust in his house.  I was subjected to random beatings for destroying our life.  When he was released he moved right back in.  I locked my door from the inside.  It wasn't unitl one night after I came home from being out with friends from the church youth group that I caught him on audio tape at my door begging at first to be let in and then threatening what would happen if I didn't let him in.  I didn't give this tape to mom but to my best friend who gave it to her mother and took the steps for help.  It barely came in the form of I was kicked out of my house, sent to live with my mom's first husband, and my brother and baby sister remained there.  Over the years I have been forced into accepting this man just to see my mom and sister.  I still beg for my mother's approval and never get it.  My baby sister doesn't really know the details but knows he did something wrong but has been taught he paid for it and he's her father.  I have two sons that are not allowed around him and what scares my is my baby sister has a one year old angel of a baby girl that I am afraid will be hurt one day.  I live back in my hometown with my DH and sons.  My DH graduated from here and when he first realized who I was he remembered hearing about that little girl who "told stories" about her stepdad and how scandalized the town was and I had to be lying.  He now knows the truth.  I have never spoken to anyone with the detail I've posted here.  I do know that if anyone ever touched my sons it wouldn't be them in jail but me because I know I couldn't controll my rage.  My MIL, a sex abuse survivor herself, has gone to great lengths to help make me whole and feel safe and loved in a healthy way.  I don't know if I ever will be "healed".  I don't think that you ever really heal from a tearing of your soul.  I do know that I wish I could write the book I so want to write to open the eyes of the world to the pain and shame that we SURVIVORS feel even years after the abuse has ended.  I just don't have that strength yet.  One day I will.

I would like to suggest to you and anyone else dealing with this, that finding a good therapist and telling your story can be very helpful. I was dealing with increased flashbacks that were intruding on my everyday life until recently when I began, 30 years after the last time I was abused/raped, to tell my story in a safe place. The beauty of the therapy is that I can now leave that abuse there. The flashbacks do not come up like they did because I have left the abuse at the therapist's office. That is not to say I do not remember, or they never happen, but rather they happen very rarely now. I know I was abused, and remember all six years of it, but I have more control over those memories now. No longer to they just pop up at me, as often as they did.
I know it will take time and I will never forget, but the work I am doing with my therapist has helped so much over this past year. I wish I could hug each and every one of you. There are so many of us. We are not alone, and people will and do believe us, not like the evil people who did this to us always said. I too as one poster said, am grateful for the increased awareness that is out there today. Thirty plus years ago I thought I was the only one this had ever happened to. Now I know better and have raised my kids to be more empowered. Thanks Dr Phil for being one to help us break the silence.

 
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August 22, 2008, 1:45 pm PDT

Hugs!

Quote From: christieb6

I am a stay at home mom of 4 children under the age of 8. My husband is a truck driver who's gone all week, from Sunday nite to Friday nite, after he gets home from the bar, yes it's exactly like clockwork. We live in a small home of two bedrooms, 20 minute drive from either of the three "closest" towns. I have barely any friends, needless to say no babysitters. So you could say, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. We've had our house on the market 3 different times, all the prospects say our house is too small, and somewhere along the lines, we've become on the verge of foreclosure. I'd love to have a job that I can work from home, only because the jobs out side of the home would only pay me enough to pay for daycare, so that's a dead end. I told myself, when our youngest, now 2 yrs old, goes to 2nd grade, then I'd be comfortable enough to go back to work, whatever that may be at the time. I have no time for any hobbies, again, our house is too small, so many fights take place between the kids. Sounds a lot like single parent syndrome to me. I just need some advice to get myself through this.

As the wife of a truck driver, I totally understand. Although my kids are older now, and my dh home more, there was a time when the kids were small that he did work like that. It was because he did that I was able to be an at home mom, as I wanted to be. I know what it is like to have stretch whatever you can to pay the bills. I love all the suggestions the other person posted. What I also did was once my oldest was in school, I began volunteering at the school. I would work whatever I could where it was ok to bring my younger children since I did not really have a sitter available. Sometimes babysitting would be offered for the volunteers. I met some of the most wonderful moms there who are still my friends even though our kids are now college age and beyond. It was hard at first, but I just did it. Also, signing the kids up for after school activities is nice too because you will often meet other parents at the games or practices or lessons. I know it is hard with the littler ones, but sometimes you just have to drag them along. I know I did! Plus, getting the kids out and invovled will help to keep everyone from getting bored and maybe less fighting!

As to the mortgage problems, one thing I did do was learn to keep house money separate. By that I mean, if making the mortgage payment is an absolute priority to you make sure that the money for that is set aside in a separate account you do not use for anything but that. Take a bit from each check (or however you do it) and it goes to the house payment. My dh is an owner operator and we pay the "house" a percentage each week (like about 25 to 30%). I pay the bills from that money. He has the money separate for the fuel, repairs for the truck, expenses he may have during the week. This really helps. We learned this from other trucking families and it works for us.

By the way, I know what it is like to have a house too small. Until recently when we added on, the five of us lived in what was essentially a two bedroom house. It was tiny and required alot of organization. Hopefully, you will be able to move on soon a bigger place.

 
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September 29, 2008, 12:18 pm PDT

09/29 Extreme Moms

Quote From: angiegriffo

well this is the point, YOU , dont know the child or the mom yet you are outraged at her actions, I would guess the situation would depend on the two people in guestion and the time in training for this journey, In some parts of the world children do not have parents by this age and are left to fend for themselves. At some point you may need to get off your pedistool and look at the reality!! This parent feels her son needs to learn how to do certain things to survive and honestly You do not get to judge her reasoning, if you wanna help go after the pedifiles not the MOMS.

Thanks for reminding us how limited in mind some people are in this country!

I do agree with you - it does seem that the family lives in New York and the child is familiar with the area and the subway. It was not some child unfamiliar with the terrain being dropped off. Would I do this - I don't believe I would with a 9 year old. Perhaps an older child with some friends, then maybe.

I would also like to mention that people need to remember that most kids are molested by someone they know - a family friend, relative, person with some sort of authority over the child. Most children abducted are taken by someone known to the family and most who lose their lives do so at the hands of someone who supposedly loves them. There are just not that many stranger danger types out there - you can hover all you want and leave your child with the wrong friend or relative and they are a victim. People must educate their children from a young age "good touch, bad touch".

Hovering over children only makes them unprepared for the real world. Educating them is what makes for strong people.

 
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October 7, 2008, 12:08 pm PDT

10/06 Money Rescue: Extreme Spending

Quote From: juliebgg

Looks like another show with more immature whiners who spent themselves into the ground and then want to cry their way into a simple and painless solution.  Well here's one from someone who is tired hearing these complaints from irresponsible whiners. GET A JOB!!! WORK!!  DON'T BUY THINGS THAT YOU CAN"T AFFORD!! CUT UP THE CREDIT CARDS (which irresponsbile fools shouldn't have in the first place) And DO WITHOUT!!!! The princess who "needs" the 100 dollar shoes needs to learn that she is NOT entitled to things she can't afford to pay for. Get rid of the brat mentality and if you want something, work for it and don't buy it until you have earned the money to pay for it. Simple, old-fashioned solutions that the ME ME ME instant gratification generation doesn't seem to get.
You are right; however who raised this "me me me instant gratification generation"? Not all young people are irresponsible like this. It starts with parents (like these in the story), and their parents before them,  who do not raise their children properly. This couple's son will be no different in ten years time if they do not change. When you constantly give kids everything they want, then they go into the real world believing that they deserve whatever they want when they want it. When the real world tells them they're not that special, they cannot cope. As I have told my three kids - there is a difference between a want and a need. You need to eat; you want steak. You cannot always have what you want, but you can work and plan to get what you need.
 
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October 7, 2008, 12:26 pm PDT

10/06 Money Rescue: Extreme Spending

Quote From: yesyoucan

Sarah Palin's entire outfit she wore to accept Vice Presidential Nomination she purchased at a thrift store, including shoes. Let me tell you, those credit cards are like pitbulls with lipstick as far as interest rates and if you fall behind on payments.
Where is your proof that her outfit came from a thrift store?? Some crazy email? Unless I see the receipt I would never believe it.
 
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October 7, 2008, 12:50 pm PDT

10/06 Money Rescue: Extreme Spending

Quote From: rn_jen

Please, Please, Please before you vote look carefully at how Obama intends to pay for all of the wonderful things he has promised you........His proposed new tax structure is truely terrifying.......Those of us who are truely hard working middle class will be footing the bill for everything and have much less after taxes to make ends meet.....and until all of government is restructured I don't trust them to run my healthcare......just look at medicare and medicaide....and social security......the answer to all of these is not more taxes....until we get to the point that government is run like a very efficient business and not a fat cat back scratching party true change can't take place.

First off, he does not believe in universal health care - that is Hilary Clinton. McCain wants to give you $5000 towards your health care plan and then tax your employer for whatever they offer you. Trust me, $5000 to buy basic health care every year for your family will not do much. Ten years ago when my husband and I did not have employer based care we were paying $1000 every two months for a basic plan for a family of five, no dental,eye, etc. TEN years ago. Imagine what it is now. So McCain's plan stinks.

Yes, God forbid, we should ask people making over $250,000 a year and corporations to pay their fair share. If you call making over $250,000 middle class, come on over to my middle class family making around $60,000 a year. That is middle class. With all the tax breaks for corporations, the past 8 years have not seen alot of prosperity spread around. I am tired of the rich not paying their fair share. I'm not looking for a tax cut, I just want it fair.

I am also tired of my country being in so much debt to China. When G.W. took office we were in the black, we had a budget surplus. Now we are trillions of dollars in debt because we had to borrow money to cover the funds lost when all those  corporations received his tax breaks. If you do not believe this is true, check out the government's own website on the budget - the congressional budget office. www.cbo.gov/budget and check out the historical data.

Please, please,please before you vote look carefully - I couldn't agree more.

 
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October 7, 2008, 1:27 pm PDT

10/06 Money Rescue: Extreme Spending

Quote From: lady_tinou

I am from Canada where we do have a Universal Health Care System, furthermore, I am a nurse that worked in the system for 41 years.... I can tell you that this kind of system is not AT ALL what you people think it is.

I can only tell you Americans to think twice before requesting and wanting a Universal Health Care System. Ours in Canada is now FALLING APPART at the seems.
People that are diagnosed with cancer very often have to wait between 3 to 6 months just to have a consultation with the specialist and then, they have to wait another 1 to 3 months if not more in order to receive their treatment. For other specialties like orthopedics (beside an emergency like a trauma or a fracture) or Dermatology etc... the wait is now 2 YEARS and more just to see a specialist, can you believe that !!!
Is this the kind of Health Care System that you want for yourselves ???????????

As far as the private clinics goes well.... until not too long ago it was forbidden to have "private clinics" in Canada. It is not officially accepted as of yet but we are starting to see private clinics that charge huge rates and the Government is still taking a huge chunk of our paycheck for our health Care System. They have not deducted anything from our paycheck if we do use the private clinics. So the ones who do use private clinics pay twice !!!
I know I sure would like to go back to what we had before 1970 (when the UHCS was implemented) and pay for insurance instead. I would probably have more in my pocket. That is one of the reasons why we pay so much income-taxes in Canada.

So better think twice before envying our Health Care System !!!!!!!!!


Amen to that! I know someone from Australia who found a lump in her breast - it took nearly 3 months to get in for a mammogram. This is after the dr found the lump!! YIKES! Universal health care is not the answer.
 
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October 8, 2008, 11:41 am PDT

Mortgage suggestion

Quote From: davisda

I am so very freightened because I got an interest only mortgage loan and the interest only will run out in January.  I did this because I needed more cash flow to live within my means.  At today's market, my loan payment would more than double.

 

I am trying at this very moment to decide if I should refinance now?  And if so, into what type of a loan?

30-year mortgage, 15-year mortgage, or 10-year interest only?  15-year mortgage will give  me no spending money.  If I do the 30-year and pay bi-weekly, I think that takes off 9-years of your loan.  Wonder how much extra it would take off if I added another $100 bi-weekly toward principle?

 

I am 10-years away from retirement so my first thought was 15-year mortgage but then I would find it difficult making my car payments.

 

Any suggestions out there?

My suggestion would be to refinance into a 30 year fix, if you can afford the payment and if you plan on staying in the house. This way you will build equity, and if you have the extra money send it in and add it to the principle. If you do it this way, you are not locked into a payment (say for the 15 year mortgage or the bi-weekly) that you cannot afford nor are you only paying interest which gives you no equity. An interest only loan can work, if you are not going to stay in the house long and can expect value to rise (tough call at this time in the economy) or if you are guaranteed a bonus and will put it all towards the principle when you get it. Perhaps also not likely given the economy today. The 30 year gives you some breathing room, and you can add to the principle when it is ok for you to do so. When the housing market begins to recover (say in about 5 years or so) you can refinance again possibly into a 15 if you want. Remember as the economy recovers, you should be able to add to the principle payment and still pay it off in less than 30 years, but at  a pace that will work for you.

This is just my suggestion - I am no expert, but have recently gone through a home remodel and so have recently researched various options. Hope this helps!

 
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October 8, 2008, 11:48 am PDT

10/09 Financial 911!

Quote From: trigreen

But I did see the data from the first round.   And neither McCain nor Obama even bothered to vote on the bill.  That is so lame.  If they aren't going to stand up and vote for us, then why should they expect us to vote for them?  
Nader has always been an outspoken advocate against the bailout bill and that is where my vote will be going.  
And if the United States has 700 billion to waste on corporate welfare, could they actually put it to use and save many Americans from going under simply for medical reasons by creating a Universal Health Care System.  

The bill never passed the House of Representatives and so was never sent on to the Senate. Thus no senator voted for the bill the first time. They did not get the chance.

Perhaps you need to remember how Congress works?

 
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October 8, 2008, 2:13 pm PDT

did you see the newest bailout

Quote From: trigreen

I know a lot of people who are European.   Universal Health Care isn't what a lot of people think it is.  There are still private doctors and that cost of going to one of these doctors is no higher there than it is in the United States if you don't have health insurance.   Instead of being motivated by rx companies, doctors there are given incentives to get patients well through in expensive means such as getting when to quit smoking, loose weight etc.   

Additionally, having a universal health care system could actually protect the economy from getting worse in that having it would prevent people from going under financially simply due to medical reasons, and separate those who go under for medical reasons that they can't prevent, from those who go under because they were selfish and bought houses, suvs, coach bags, etc that they could not afford. 

Here is my suggestions.  Apparently the United States government has 700 billion to waste on corporate welfare.   Let demand Congress take that money back from the corrupt companies that got us into this mess and use it to start a Universal Health Care System.  But wait what will Congress do if they can't give their friends the bailout they promised them?  Well I have a suggestion, if Congress wants the widely opposed bailout so bad then they can sell their 10 homes, 10 cars, boats, planes, coach bags, etc and they can pay for it themselves.   

As for voting, I'm not voting for Obama and agree with you in your opposition to Obama.  I see Obama as the irresponsibility candidate who wants to bailout all the people who don't deserve it.   I'm voting for Nader because he is the responsibility candidate who I agree with economically, as well as his stance of social issues.   


Last night McCain said he wants to offer a bailout to all who are about to be foreclosed. Check the details out on this one - it will cost $300 billion (his figure) and the taxpayers will pay for this one too. Just read the article on the particulars on money.com.(article title - "On Housing, McCain takes sharp left turn") He is proposing that anyone who has not made their payments and are in danger of losing their home have their mortgage bought by the federal government, and it gets refinanced.

All of us who are making our payments are out of luck, we will keep paying our mortgages and our tax dollars will go to finance this scheme.

Talk about a candidate who wants to bailout people who don't deserve it!!

 

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