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May 16, 2006, 9:35 pm PDT

Not so fast

Quote From: lucky_lady

Greg did not become the person he is today overnight -- he was that way when they married -- maybe she was a little blind to her own qualities and believed she could do no better. Get out while the getting is good -- you know Greg will not change. The marriage vows were to love, honor and cherish -- none of which Greg does. He "likes" having someone to order around he does not love and cherish you as his wife or respect you as a woman. Please Please understand that what is happening in your home is abuse -- as Dr. Phil states over and over -- abuse is a deal breaker. You spent the week being introduced to the fabulous woman you are -- go out into the world and find that men are not like Greg. Your Prince Charming is waiting for you -- go find him. Let Greg do all the work in half the time for himself by himself - that is what he deserves. Even after the experiment Greg did not believe he was wrong in his actions and did not seem like he would ever work on changing the behavior. Greg was just tried to give Dr. Phil some lip service - no one believed him.

I suspect Greg was an abused child. He probably had one abusive/mean parent, and one passive parent who didn't protect him from his abuser. He also could have seen his mother being abused and grew to think this is how women are treated. It's one or the other. I also bet he was a bully as a child. Abuse is a choice. Greg had a choice when he grew up. He could treat others as he was treated, or he could decide to not repeat what was done to him. Greg choose to be abusive and mean. He is a very insecure person. He is much less secure than his wife, causing him to want to make sure she feels less than himself. Less than one percent of those that enter treatment to correct abusive behavior, succeed. These are pretty bad odds. And, after watching him interact with Dr. Phil, I bet on slim to done. Abusers never think they are wrong. If his wife would just listen, do as he says, he states he would be happy. No, he wouldn't. She could stand on her head and serve him the dinner of his choosing and he still would find something wrong. I can remember lying in bed, praying to God to make me a better wife so my ex husband would not be angry at me all the time. God new better than to grant that wish. I was already a good wife, what could he change? The only thing that can change is Greg's wife. She needs to think back and figure out why she was comfortable with this behavior for so long. We tend to stay in relationships that we are comfortable with the behavior. When the abuse went further than she was comfortable with, she then new it was wrong and now will seek help. Don't ask why she has stayed so long, as why he abused! Arlene Berta

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 9:43 pm PDT

do her job?

Quote From: corkie

So it's 5:00 and they have both went to work at 6:00. Now do they both get to clock out at 5:00 or what ever time the day ends for work? Who takes care of the kids because mom and dad are clocked out. Be Real!!! Now it's time for them both to take care of the kids and each other. Now it's time to be a husband and father, wife and mother or did every one forget that part? The day is not over just because the office ids closed!

If I was treated by a superior as Greg treats his wife, I would sue the company! No one, and I mean no one, has the right to abuse anyone like Greg does. Just because Greg works outside the home doesn't mean he is free of all responsibilities of the home. He still has to share the to do list! A relationship is respect and caring. If you love someone you are not abusive and mean to them. Greg is not in love with his wife, he justs needs a victim to get his anger out. If she left, he'd be crushed and scared, he couldn't stand to be alone, he doesn't like himself enough to be alone with himself. He'd be desperate to get her back and he'd be nice for a few weeks. Then, the circle of abuse would start again. The man is incapable of loving anyone but himself. She should leave him. She'd hurt for a while, but believe me, she'd be better off. She'd have all her children back under her roof, where they belong. The first commitment is to keep your children safe and yourself, so you can protect those children.

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 9:56 pm PDT

You are not alone

Amy, you deserve better than what you are living. You deserve respect and love. You children deserve to be safe. What are they being taught in your home? Abuse. They will grow up to think that this is how a man should treat a woman. They will be comfortable with the abuse they lived in your home. Is this really what you want to teach your children? I think not. You stay because of fear. Fear of finances, health insurance, no home, what family and friends will say, think.....it's all silly fears. You can make it. So many of us have and would give you all the emotional support you need. Please Amy, you deserve a better way of life. Look into your childhood and think about why you have been comfortable with Greg's treatment of you? Were you abused as a child? Did one of your parents abuse the other? There is a reason you have been comfortable with his behavior. Did you know that 90% of abused children are abused adults, victims of domestic violence. How sad is that percentage? Know you are not alone Amy. There are support groups that are soooo helpful. I know Dr. Phil will find you a great therapist that specializes in domestic abuse. Please, open up to them and be honest. Get it all out in the open. It will be such a release to recognize what attracted you to this person. Good luck Amy. You deserve respect and love. Arlene Berta A survivor of domestic violence more than once.

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 10:17 pm PDT

The worm turns is right

Quote From: twininwy

What I think happens (or at least it did for me) is that these men are nothing like what they become when you get married. My Ex-Husband was wonderful when we were dating. He was prince charming, and we talked about EVERYTHING! But after I said "I do!" the rules changed. So after 5 horrible years I divorced him. We will have to watch and see if that is the case here.

I agree. My ex husband was charming, caring, loving, attentive, understanding, a real Prince Charming......until I said "I do". Once those words were uttered, the rules changed and so did he. This is the normal behavior of an abuser/controller. Once you marry, they think they own you. They no longer have to be nice, at least not in the home. They are all about appearances. To the world they will seem so charming, loving and caring. Behind closed doors, out of view of the public, they are Jekyl and Hyde....literally. Appearances are everything to them. They are very, very insecure people. It starts out as verbal abuse, goes to emotionally, and if you stay long enough, it becomes physical. Most people don't realize that name calling, put downs, pushing, shoving, not allowing you to sleep so they can agrue, blaming, forcing you to do things sexually that you don't agree with, isolating you from family and friends, it's all abusive behavior. I even stayed after he jumped on top of me one night, while I was asleep, and started to strangle me. Why? Well, he was angry because I had taken a stand about his son, I stood up for myself and was not going to be the family doormat any longer. This was a first for me and oh boy, he reacted. I learned it was best not to react to him if I wanted to be safe. After awhile though, he would get violent because he wanted me to react, he needed to argue. Sick. Why did I stay with him? I stayed out of fear and embarassment. I had no job, no money, no accounts in my name, would have no health insurance and had some health issues, afraid that at 57 I was no longer employable, I no longer had contact with any of my friends, embarassed to admit to my family that yet another man had abused me, and I had another failed marriage. There is life after abuse. A new beginning.

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 10:30 pm PDT

Amy can get better

Quote From: jbgdgk

Someone mentioned they thought this show was a setup. I'm not sure if it was or not, but the fact remains there ARE men like Greg in the world. Unfortunately, the chances they were watching Dr Phil would be slim to none (and wouldn't see themselves if they did). However, perhaps the wives of these types saw the show and will be able to see they don't have to live like that. I, personally, can't imagine why anyone would allow themselves to be treated by their husband the way Amy does. The issue is not who can do the housework the best or fastest or who can cook or who can be romantic. The issue is basic respect, or in this case, lack of it. While I do not condone or respect in any way, shape, fashion or form, the behavior or attitude of Greg, I also lost a lot of respect for Amy when I heard she had sent her daughter away. What kind of message is that sending to the daughter? In my view, it's telling her that her mother chooses the girl's abusive stepfather over her. If the situation is so bad that Amy felt the need to send her daughter away, then the situation is bad enough for her to leave also. Unfortunately, I don't see Greg or Amy either one changing. His bullying, condescending attitude and her spineless, martyr behavior is so engrained in both that odds of either changing aren't good.

Most people don't understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. Unless you have been there, it's hard to understand why any man or woman would stay in such a relationship. They stay out of fear. Fear of finances, health insurance, embarassment. I could go on and on. Amy will now learn, grow and change. She will learn the reason she was accepting of Greg's behavior. Yes, Amy sent her daughter away. This was a safety move to protect her child. She was protecting her child the only way she felt she could at the time. When you are in an abusive relationship you act out of fear. You don't want to upset your abuser. Amy was trying to protect her daughter by sending her away. Possible she thought this would wake Greg up and he would change, enabling the child to return to Amy. In desperate times you make desperate decisions. Abuse is all crazy making. It matters not what your IQ or economic means, it's all crazy making. My ex held a position high within the federal government, made six figures, yet he abused all those he claimed to love. It crosses all social economic lines. And you know what? The higher the income, the less likely we are to admit it to anyone. Cut Amy a break. When you have been living in an abusive relationship you have almost no self esteem left, you are afraid to make any decision, let alone the right one. I didn't know what was right any longer. I just got through my days somehow. When the clock ticks closer to them arriving home, the more tense you become until you throw up.

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 10:50 pm PDT

Not helping

Quote From: lovenlady

After my divorce in 2000 my ex and I did as most do and lived apart. One of my son's who suffers from ADHD was having a hard time with our divorce. Not wanting my children to suffer from us not making right choices, it was agreed that we would live together in the same house with separate rooms, split the bills, share in the responsibility of raising our children. He said he would be a Mr. Mom do the cooking and cleaning!!! Well, the "EX" drives a school bus one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon. I work 50 to 60 hours a week. He sits on his butt and plays games on the computer and no longer helps around the house as he agreed. I am divorced, living with a man that I hate, who is very lazy and feel I have gave up my life because of my sons needs......

What are you teaching your sons? Is it what you want them to learn? That women carry the burden and men can just be lazy and lie around the house? Make a new choice. Take your life back. Teach those boys that women are strong and can raise children alone. You can do it. I raised three children alone. The great compliment I have ever received came from my middle child. She told me one day that she had a better life with just mom, then most of her friends did with both parents in the home. There was nothing missing from my home. We were a family. We sat down to a cooked meal every night. We did everything every family does, only ours just had a mom. It was a great life. I miss it now that they are all grown and have families of their own. Good families too! It's not to late. Kick out Mr. Good for nothing and show your children what a strong, independent woman they have for a mom.

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 10:53 pm PDT

Self esteem

Quote From: a_muse

Amy is sent off on a special trip to build her self-esteem

And all this time I thought self-esteem came from having a backbone and doing things that you'd be proud of!

Self esteem comes from loving yourself. Amy will get hers back, Dr. Phil will see to it!

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jamin32

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May 16, 2006, 11:03 pm PDT

Good for you

Quote From: cheeca

After 38 years of marriage my husband left me. Why? Because I stopped being his slave, house keeper, cook, accountant, sounding board,and the one that had to take care of him when sick(cancer) and every other little pain or cold. Also had to tell him daily how great he was and how nice he looked. Got to the point that when he got home I almost had to disappear along with our pets, and every thing had to be perfect around him. The last 5 years he acted single, going and coming as he pleased. Our sex life was over because of a problem he had, OR I thought he had, but I was just so happy he was living after the cancer I told him that part didn't matter and we could still have a loving and caring marriage. Well, how stupid was I? I just misunderstood him when he told me we could no longer have sex. We meant WE, not HE. For over a year now I have been trying to Divorce this person, still being faithful while he has an OLDER girlfriend that he now does so much with. He even knows how to wash his clothes and cooks and even shops for the food. He does have a maid so that is taken care of. The sex, well he got that taken care of also and with the pills, I'm sure they are doing just fine. I wish I could get him back in some way, like having the three women from the Divorce Experiment, but I think he will get his is the end, or may be the near future. I was a good wife, mother, and I am pretty darn attractive I'm finding out, again, after years of him making me feel like nothing. So he can have his old hag and she can take over where I left off. I will always love the person I married, but it is time to realize that over many years that person died and this sad stranger took his place.

I'm so happy you have taken your life back! You don't miss him, you miss a relationship. And that's normal. We all want to be loved. Just remember, you miss being in a relationship, not him. Enjoy being able to come and go as you please. Go out with your girlfriends, take a class, volunteer, find you passion and enjoy it. Learn to love yourself and enjoy being with just you. Do one thing each day to take care of yourself, even if it's just a bubble bath. Congrats on getting a new life!

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Messages By: jamin32

Not so fast

do her job?

You are not alone

The worm turns is right

Amy can get better

Not helping

Self esteem

Good for you