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Messages By: ididitmyway
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September 24, 2008, 7:40 pm PDT
 I just saw the show with Catherine (sp). Anyway, I know she is young and probably did not mean to sound this way, but I saw her to be a spoiled brat (sorry if this sounds harsh, but). She has had a mom and a brother, and now she is lucky enough to find her father and all she can think of is "how can this help me"? "How can I get money from him?"
I have never met my father (thank God because he tried to kill my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me). My last name is the same as the cop she filed the restraining order against my father with (they were dating by this time and we was in the delivery room when I was born, and he was a man...also, she told me she did not want me to have her last name). My mother was a violent, abusive alcoholic. My mother let me know how much she wanted me all the time. She told me that I was the reason for all of her problems, that I ruined her life, that the only reason she kept me around is so she could keep getting food stamps and walefare (booze money), and that if abortion had been legal I would not be alive (I have blocked out most of my childhood, but still remember a lot of the words). After she hauled me all over the US until I was 10, she dropped me of at a facility and put me up for adoption. I was in and out of foster homes and treatment facilities till I was 16 when I emancipated myself (illegally, but still out). I have slept on the street (on the beach actually and you don't realize just how alone you are until you have no where to go), I did crystal meth till I was 20 (which I quit myself, no rehab...if I hadn't quit I would have died). I finally moved away from San Diego and started over. I worked odd jobs, got married, got divorced, and finally joined the Air Force. That was my turning point. I now have my own home, 4 college degrees, and am going to make it.
I know this is a big rambling mess, but it is my way of saying...you have a mom and a brother. I wish I could be so lucky. I have no mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins...you get the picture...anyway, don't look at your father as anyone who owes you anything. Feel grateful he even agreed to meet you in the first place. Do you know how many fathers know they have kids and don't care at all...you are so lucky, don't ruin it with your entitlement mentality and selfishness. Think of all the kids out there who will never have the opportunity to know their father's, or any of their family for that matter.
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September 24, 2008, 7:53 pm PDT
Quote From: cuddles05 I HAD A FRIEND I LOST TRACK OF 15 YEARS AGO AND SHE FOUND ME THROUGH THE COMPUTER.I WAS SO HAPPY AT FIRST ONLY TO FIND OUT SHE DID'NT WANT TO BOTHER AFTER ALL.SHE CALLED ME AND I WANTED SO MUCH TO MEET HER.I MEAN AFTER 15 YEARS WHY WOULD'NT I.ANYWAY IT DIDNT HAPPEN SHE KEPT MAKING EXCUESS'S AND LOTS OF THEM.I WAS SO BROKEN HEARTED.I DECIDED TO FOLLOW ONE OF DR.PHIL'S RULES.HOWS IT WORKING FOR YOU.AND IT WAS'NT SO NEEDLESS TO SAY SHE NEVER DID COME AND I NEVER DID GET TO MEET HER.IT HURTS BUT YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO GET ON WITH IT.OH THE REASON I COULD'NT FIND HER AND YES I WAS ;LOOKING.SHE GOT MARRIED AND HER NAME CHANGED.IM STILL DISAPPOINTED BUT YOU GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE.YES I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO MEET HER AFTER 15 YEARS.BUT I GUESS SHE DID'NT WANT TO MEET ME.MY QUESTION WOULD BE AND I HAVE ASK HER.IS WHY DID SHE EVEN BOTHER.SHE CAN'T SEEM TO ANSER THAT WHEN I ASKED HER.AND THEN SHE GOT MAD AT ME FOR WHAT I DONT KNOW. Maybe she wanted to see you but something in her life was a mess or wrong in some way and she was embarrassed or something. I had a friend who got married and then all of the sudden my emails got returned'blocked, then I had a friend who I went to school (online) with, who came to stay with me after we graduated. When she got back home, she slowly lost touch. I know she had a lot of major health issues, but I'm still not sure what happened. There is a saying about people coming into our lives for a season and a reason; or something like that...sometimes God removes some things from our lives to make room for something else. |
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September 24, 2008, 8:00 pm PDT
Quote From: sassysher Cannot believe the adasity of this young lady. I heard money money money... Her intentions of 'getting to know her Dad' are pathetic. I, to this date do NOT know my biological father, and I can say HONESTLY money would not even cross my mind.. my pain in my heart would be first and foremost! I met my birth Mom several years ago.. and was not the lady whom I expexted her to be.. and do not speak to her... Materials were her way of showing love.. My way is to LOVE from the heart not from the wallet. Shame on catherine. It sounds like Catherine has not been through as much as she thinks she has, so she is not as mature as someone who has been through more. Maybe after she reads a few of these posts, really reads some of the stories, and hears some of the feedback she will get here, I think she may realize how luky she is and maybe(I hope) her attitude will change. I hope it will for her sake. |
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September 24, 2008, 9:12 pm PDT
Quote From: dmende Ok. Long story, but well worth the read for those of you hoping to meet your birth families. Two stories which have impacted me and my family.
A little background here to begin though. My husband and I met about 24 years ago. He always knew he was adopted. We were friends and had a child together. Unfortunately, my husband had four other children and I felt it was best for me to give up our child as his other children were going through a lot at the time. My decision was made easier as I kinew my husband back then was not ready for a long term commitment with me.
Fast forward ten years and he finally gets it together. Each of us married other people, and it didn't work out. On our first anniversary we were sitting on the patio of the home we had just finished building. A woman called claiming to be his birthmother. I quickly walked into the house so my husband wouldn't hear the conversation. She gave her name but it wasn't the name on the birth certificate, so I told her off and slammed down the phone.
The phone immediately rang again, and she explained that she changed her name when she married (first and last name). She then gave me information that I knew only my husband's birth mother would know.
I then walked out to the patio and told my husband that his birthmother was on the phone. It was a VERY good conversation, and there were several subsequent ones.
We then decided that we would fly his birthmother out to meet us. That was an amazing visit, and we are all very close. That was nine years ago.
Fast foward 10 years later, and after 20 years total I was ready for the phone call of my life.
Agust 28, 2008 The son my husband and I gave up for adoption called. The minute the phone rang and I looked at caller ID I knew the area code was not from a state where we had any friends, and the name part of the caller ID said a cellular carrier. My heart literally skipped a beat.
I answered the phone and the voice on the other line said his name. My heart swelled with joy, "he wants to know me!"
Because this adoption was what I consider a semi-open adoption, I had the opportunity to pick the parents for our son. I only knew at the time their first names and what they did for a living. Things were coordinated with an attorney who was a pioneer of sorts for open adoption.
Our son has had a good life with all of the advantages that I wanted him to have. At the time I was pregnant I was a single mother with a three year old daughter who had health issues (she ultimately died before the age of 12) and an ex-husband who was putting me through the second of what would be three custody battles before her death.
Did I make the right decision? Well - my parents and family thought I didn't (huge issue then and huge issue now), but I know in my heart I did the right thing.
Putting my son up for adoption tore my own family apart in some ways. I had it used against me any time someone wanted to hurt me.
People in my family judged me as a bad person for giving up my son. They managed to hurt me many times throughout the years and made me question my decision. I held strong to the belief that I did the right thing, even hearing about the adoption and how I should regret it as my daughter was on life support.
Now my son is part is just beginning to get to know his father and I through phone calls, email, facebook and myspace. We saw him for the first time this month. Next month, we will have him here to meet his siblings (which are excited to meet him).
I am excited as any mother would be in my situation to see her son and have a relationship with him. My husband is also very happy and supportive of it all. The problem is my own family. Several want to meet him, but a few in the mix that want to meet him are the same ones that said some terribily cruel things to me throughout the years because of the choice I made to give him up.
How does one move past that part of the relationship as my son has every right to know and meet these family members (they want to meet him, remember), but I still have a part of me that hurts due to the things they said throughout the years to me? I'm not as close to these people any longer as I feel they are toxic to my own happiness. How do I let go of the countless attacks they made to me now that some want to meet him, but are the very same people who emotionally beat and tortured me for the decision to give him up?
My husband has met all but one of his half-siblings from his adoption and I am close to his sister. We hope to meet the other half-sibling soon as we found him after my husband made a tripe to their state with my youngest step-daughter. We all have a good relationship with eachother, and even his adoptive mother respects his relationship with his birth mother, and vice versa. I want the same for my family, but my own family just wasn't there to support me in the decision to give up my son during the pregancy and they sure were not there to support me afterward.
These people in my family for the most part are good, hardworking people. The issue is they don't believe birth mothers should give up their children, and I was one of those people who rebelled and did the thing I felt was best for both of my children. For that and many other reasons, I'm just not close to them emotionally and don't want to be close to them on an emotional level.
Prior to my daughter's death, I never regretted the decision to give up our son. After her death, I still felt like I did the right thing because both kids deserved the best. This adoption was unique to our part of the country, as it was semi-open. I don't think I could have just given my son up to an agency and trusted them to select the right parents. Each time I thought about doing that I knew I couldn't do it. BUT, if I was able to select parents and get to know them I knew I would feel better about the decision. Ironically, I am one of the first women to successfully terminate parental rights of a father in our home state, as my daughter's father was toxic to her life.
So many people want to think birthmothers are bad for not keeping their children. My life has been always about what was best for my children. I'm sure there are people that are going to read this note and think "what kind of mother..." but those four other children that my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and father of my son had are now my step-children or rather step-adult children now. For them and for their dad it was the right decision. For my daughter and me - I have to say it was also the right decision.
I'm now treading waters in a totally new territory. I'm living a dream on one hand, and on another trying to get rid of the baggage from my family, so my son has an opportunity to know the rest of his extended family as that is what he would like - and that is what they would also like. But, I can't help but to be fearful that some of the things that they said would get back to him and he will be hurt. If he gets hurt, I fear I will be dealing the the "thanks, but no thanks" or "goodbye" conversation with him. As a mother to him, I am just as protective of him as I am to the step-daughter I have raised and want no one to hurt our children.
Hey Dr. Phil, (or anyone else) do you have any suggestions on how to handle the extended family that didn't agree with the adoption and tortured me with mean words throughout the tough times in my life, and now want me to deliver my son to them so they can all meet? How do I do this and get past the fact we are not close because of the adoption as well as other issues to give my son what he wants?
Any thoughts from readers and the staff are welcome. I would think that if your son is an adult, the honest approach would be best. I mean maybe not every detail, but enough so that he knows why you did what you did and that you were thinking about him when you made your decision. He knows how people talk and will understand that people will have their "opinion" about what you did. They don't really matter though. I mean, as long as he knows where you stand; isn't that all that matters?
I don't have any family and don't really know how all the relative stuff works, but it was your decision. Were they there with their hands out to raise him or take care of you...then what say do they have in you and your son's life. My mom dropped me off at an agency and I thank God everyday that she did. My case is different and I don't have a clue who my mom is (or any of my relatives for that matter), but I was old enough to know what was going on and how messed up my mom was. I would probably - o.k. would be in a really bad place if she had kept me. At least she gave me 1/2 a chance to have a life. |
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September 24, 2008, 9:51 pm PDT
I was put up for adoption at 11, but was never adopted. I was in and out of foster homes in San Diego till I was on my own. When I was 18, I was applying for MediCal for a medical procedure. The Case Worker asked me if my mom's name was?????. I was shocked that he would ask me that because I had not heard her name since I was about 11 or 12. I was told that she had applied for AFDC for another kid. Since I was never adopted and obviously San Diego County has my mother's name; is there anyway I could track down any of her relatives? I don't know how I feel about meeting her. I have forgiven her, and am not sure what I would have done in her place; so I no longer judge her, but I am still not sure if I want to go there...if you know what I mean. Plus, I prayed to be able to find her a while ago and got a bunch of road blocks thrown up. I think maybe God is trying to tell me something. If not, then maybe...he moves in mysterious ways...
The reason I am wondering is because I am now turning 40 and am wondering about "where I came from" and also to find out medical info (my grandfather had Parkinson's and my mom had thyroid issues)... I am financially and emotionally stable and just want to find out. I also know that she had 3 or 4 kids before me. When she got divorced; in appx. 1965 or 1966 her ex-husband got custody of the kids (after an unplanned trip to Texas). I was born in 1968 (way up northeast) so they would be close to my age. I have tried in the past to find my family, but I have never been able to get anywhere. I know she (my mom) was born in Memphis in appx 1940, and some of her family is in the south (Georgia, Mississippi) maybe. I am in Alabama - (retired from the AF here) and am thinking they might be close.
I have tried to do Google searches, tried a bunch of ancestry sites, adoption sites, my ex even hired a detective, but I haven't been able to get anywhere. I know a few names, but not much else.
I just recently started to think about finding them again. I don't have any relatives in my life at all and would like to at least try to find 1 or 2 maybe. If not, then I guess I'll just have to suck it up and press on, but it has always been on my mind a little, even though I haven't really ever wanted to admit it or get my hopes up. I don't know where else to turn. If anyone has any ideas; I'm interested. Thanks in advance :-) |
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September 25, 2008, 11:13 am PDT
Quote From: dmende Go to www.adoption.com and immediately register with the information that you know to be accurate.
It worked for us. Our sone found us on the site, and knew we wanted to get to know him based on the details I was able to input when I registered.
Praying for you and wishing you lots of luck. I will try it. I have gone to different adoption sites who told me that because I was never adopted and was a ward of the court, they could not help. |
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