Messages By: nekocats2

This has been a very difficult time for me .....  very difficult....  I just want the world to stop spinning long enough for me to get the heck off.  Don't worry, I am not going to do anything harsh.  I just can't stop crying.   I am soooooo tired of feeling and being nothing more than a looser.  I suffer from chronic back pain, depression and that might be getting in the way.  I just want to stop crying and I want my life back.  I feel like a failure to my husband and an embarassment to my son.  In my heart, I feel he loves me...but, I hate myself.   I don't want to be this looser anymore.  I once was a success....now....I am nothing!!  Sorry for the negative self pity crud.  Was never ever ment to be that way.  Thanks to you all.

I really missed all of you and the support that was always there.  You guys are the best!!!  That is from the bottom of my heart. 

From:   Nekocats.....now......Nekocats2

I know how it is to "try" and get out and exercise.  But when the depression reaches it's ultimate high....that just doesn't work.  I force myself to do things.  I have been suicidal in the past....well....many times....several times....well never mind what I was going to say....just say....I was medically dead.  Heck, some reason God keeps saying no.  I just want to stop crying.  I too have a difficult time telling my husband just how horrible I feel, not because he wouldn't understand, but because I don't want him to be afraid to go to work and leave me alone. 

You said that you do not have any support groups in your "crappy town" you live in....so if I can be of support....YES!!! I would and will always do my best to help if I can.  I do know the pain!  Remember, I am here if you would like to start a support group.

Formally Nekocats....now.....Nekocats2    (new site change)

Who do I look for?  Wish you the best...I don't mean to sound cheesy...but I do mean that!  Lonliness is a horrible place to be.   I write to you throughout my tears so forgive my typos. 

I want to let you all know how much I appreciate the support you have given me.  I am still struggling so much I can't  put it into words.  I am sick and tired of crying and being depressed.  Honestly, I am giving much thought to going back on anti-depressants.  I went off of them a couple months ago due to it causing my blood pressure to rise and I am just sooooo tired of being on meds.   I hate the way I feel with this constant depression.  I hate living!!!!  I had this type of horrible depression many years ago which resulted in me attempting suicide.  I won't go down that dark hole again.  I could not do that to my husband or my family.  No matter how much I hate myself and my life, I don't have the right to cause them pain.  So, I will continue to plug along and deal with the pain.  I guess when God says it is time to leave this earth, then it will be time.  I just want the pain to stop! 

Hey...time to shut up!  Again, thank you to all of you for the support you give.  I never even came close to getting this growing up. 

Thank you for your understanding.  I too wish that I could get these horrible thoughts out of my head also.  I am glad that we have the opportunity to communicate the way we can.  If I was sounding dumb....forgive me...I could not get my thoughts straight.   Also, I am still trying to learn the new board.  I had just figured out the old one.  Heck, I've never been computer smart anyway. 

I hope that I can be here for you also.....I believe we can.   I have encountered many people on this site who has be helpful.  I still  worry about people I have "chatted" with.  Has anyone heard from glenn57?   He was struggling a lot before the site went down.  I just hope he is ok.

I see my therapist tomorrow.  Good timing I must say.....lol.....I am just tired of acting like I am fine and ok.  I just don't have the energy anymore to put on the happy face.  I just get by...days go by and what totally bites is that there are many days that will go by that I don't even remember.  Not good at all.    I must say....you did make me smile with your first sentence that you would also be mad at me.  (smile)

By the way.....love your user name......

At least the repairman.....former prostitute...his wife didn't leave him for another woman.  Now that would really as we can say...bruise his ego.  hehehehhe 

Maybe next time....just start making sounds of static....I can't hear you...zzzzzzz....I cann.zzzzz....what???.....then......hang up.....(smile)

I am near your age.  I just turned 46 five days ago.  I too, just forget things.  I have to put everything down in a day planner and look at it.  My husband also says that about one week prior to my cycle, I get "really bad".  I now put in my day planner (of course) a note to myself as a reminder when it is a week prior to my cycle.  I get bad.  But recently, the depression is horrible.  I can't even fill out a stupid work application.  I feel like such a stupid idiot so much of the time.  I had this idea that I could make jewelry....using beads.  Well, I got the supplies and I don't have the confidence to do it now.  I tried....well, some....Gosh, I don't know.  I am just so very tired emotionally from all of this.  If you don't mind saying, what is the medication that has helped you?  You may have told me already but, my thoughts don't always work the way I want. 

Something else you said that at times you have wanted to just drive your car into a pole.  I have thought about driving mine over a cliff.   I won't.  Even though I hate myself and my life, my husband says he loves me and I could not hurt him that way. 

My apology for the delay in responding back to you.   My "brain" is just not wanting to corporate with me.  Hope you understand.  I do want to take a rain check on the help if that is ok.   I went outside and watered my plants I planted to try and clear my head.  Even though we only rent, I bought these shrubs from WalMart and planted them.  They are coming in very nice.  Even my roses.  Funny how plants growing can make you feel better.

I do....want to take you up on your offer though.  I have a picture I want to use.  I love the horse!    Is that yours?  My stepdaughter loves horses.  She is our little cowgirl.  Well.   (smile)  she is now married to a cowboy!.  Even better.