Quote From: sandy1021I wanted to share my story and maybe find someone out there who understands how I feel. For me it seems that I have always battled depression. As I approach the big 3-0 things have been getting worse.
I grew up in a single parent home with my mother and occasionally my grandmother would stay with us off and on through the years. My father left when I was young. My mom seemed to float from one bad relationship to another and I retreated within myself to get away from the arguments and abuse. I know that she didn't mean for me to be cast to the side, but that's what she did. To make her life easier she sent me to stay with her aunt and uncle for a couple of summers when I was 7 and 8. Those two summers were hell and changed me forever. I had lost a part of my innocence that I could never recover. That is when I began to eat to hide my pain. I felt alone and unloved by everyone.
Desperate to find someone to love me I latched on to the first guy to show interest in me. He was 19 and I was close to 14. Within six months of the start of our relationship I became pregnant. As soon as the baby was born I married him at age 15. He was an abusive alcoholic similar to the men my mother always dated and married. I left him when I turned 18.
I still felt alone and would latch on to any man that told me he loved me. I began a cycle of marriage and divorce. Each time I would believe that I could make it work and each time it failed.
It has been 4 years since my last divorce. I feel lost and alone. I don't believe in love or a higher power anymore. I just don't believe in anything except that my world is cold and dark with no way to escape. I just exist with no purpose.
I try to look for something to be happy about, but it's difficult. I should be thrilled with everything I have (good job, house, degree) but somehow I feel incomplete.
Sandy, I agree with psychwife1021. Have you considered therapy? You sound like a very intelligent woman who has been given a raw deal very early on in life. You also mentioned that something happened when you were 7 and 8 that changed you forever. You did not mention what, just that it changed you. I can relate to a tragic event occurring early in life. When I was 7, I had an Uncle who raped me and I was forced to keep it a secret. I hid that secret for decades. I am glad now that I can be open about it. That rape was only just one piece of what I call the pie. But yes, it did screw me up big time. I also know about the depression. A few of us have given it a name. We call it the "buzzard". So if you ever hear we are out buzzard hunting, well, we are out to attack that depression.
I hope we can help you. I know that I have received a lot of support here since I have been on.
Hope to hear from you soon. Stay in touch!
anyone ready to go buzzard hunting?
Just wanted to drop by and let you know that I was praying you and hubby would have a peaceful,wonderful time together.I am looking forward to the time we get to go away, alone(no grandkids).The oldest seems to tag along alot.This next trip will be just for the two of us.We really need it!!!Funny how crazy life can get if you don't keep track of your every moment.So glad to be truly happy again(not saying I don't have my days),but I know I'll never get as low as I was a few weeks ago!!!Won't let that happen.Will keep my guard up all around me. ___ keocats(spelled wrong I know),you were also one of the wonderful woman who answered my call for help before the boards went down.Thank you for some great advice.Only wish I could find your letters.I printed them out and sometimes I hide things so well,I can't even find them(SMILING).Anyway,I know you were a blessing too or I wouldn't have remembered your name.May all your days be filled with God's peace and joy. Thank you both again.
