Messages By: feng456

Sorry so long... Please read! 

My DH is a really good Daddy to my 2 yo son and 5 yo daughter.  HOWEVER... before we met he was into cartoony-type sexy images of females (kind of like Jessica rabbit, but actual humans).  They kind of take Betty Boop to the next level... skimpy bathing suits (they don't expose any genitalia, but they are sexually suggestive).  There are skateboards called "hookups" that he thinks are really cool.  Anyway... these boards currently sit in a closet, because I feel strongly that my young kids not be exposed to these.  He thinks that I am making too big a deal about it, and if I don't bring attention to them the kids won't think anything about them.    

Here is the problem... he told me that he wants to have "his own room" where he can display all his collectibles for himself, including these boards.  I told him that is fine, so long as the kids don't go in there.  He thinks that would make them too much of a taboo and could potentially make the kids think that sexuality is wrong.  While he acknowledges taht he doesn't think they are "appropriate" for the kids, he also doesn't think they are "inappropriate."   He thinks we as a society make too big a deal about images of the human body and the recognition of people as sexual beings.    

I don't know what to do.  It seems crazy that I would subject my kids to a lifetime of split parenting (divorce), because of these images, but I feel like I'm going against my own desires by "allowing" them.  This is becoming a situation where DH feels as though he is being controlled by me and that he wants to be able to just be himself in this one room.  

What do you think.  Here is a link, so you have an idea of what I'm talking about.  

http://www.skatesonhaight.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=HDDP  

Please let me know what you think.  

Thanks!  

I have Witnessed a 40 year old parent of two children tonight call her 13yr old a p*ssy.  Now she told me that she was only joking around and that her child knew that too.  I found it very offensive for the childs sake.  Could Dr. Phil or anyone here give a clue to if this would be ok or not even ok if it was joking around and her child knew she was kidding?  I did ask her if she would call her mother that and she said yes.  So I told her to call her up now and call her that word to her ear, but she couldn't do that.  Gee, what's the problem with that????? 

This mother of two is so out of control that her 13yr old is dang near failing school for the first marking period and has pretty much failed the last half of last years school year.  Her two year old just runs around like some wild animal that knows how to manipulate everyone and everybody and no boundaries set anywhere.  She has already said about four curse words at the age of 2yrs but to them since it's not everyday it's no big deal.  God she sends her kid to bed a 8pm, but doesn't want to until 8:30pm.  Her excuses are that "I don't get to see my child."  She refers to her 2yr old as her baby and not in the sense of her child being young, but more like the most precious thing in the world on her intention while her other child is left out of the caring parenting word.  Something is not right here with this single parent that refuses help because she can't admit failure and except anyone's help.  I'm nervous for these children not growing up with the tools they need to have to live in the future.  She can't even get her child to come to her when she calls.  Does that sound like a problem?  Because the problem is that her child is watching TV and she won't turn that off to actually spend time with her kids.  Man is this house out-of-control real bad.  Kind of like living in the wilderness with wild animals.  No one wants to be around those animals if they aren't tamed.  Do they?  Well just think how these kids are going to be in five years when no one tries to do the best thing for these children right now?
 

I have a question.  My son is in the 3rd grade.  I'm wondering if he should have a social life like the other kids around here seem to have.  Every weekend someone wants him to go over to play or spend the night.  These kids have all kinds of things that my son doesn't and I don't want him to have.  The main kid has a collection of knives...some too mature video games...motorbikes and fourwheelers...not to mention a bully attitude.  He is an only child and is bored so he wants my boy over there.  We live in the country and he isn't too close...I don't mind every so often but its never enough.  It's not my fault that the other kid is bored.  He lives with his grandparents and stays some weekends with his other grandparents.   

I kinda stopped the socializing after it had been brought to my attention that the other boy tried some unappropriate things with my son.  Boy, I got off track on my probs here, huh?  So now...new friends have started calling him to go over...Mine has a sister at home and she hates for him to leave...and they don't want her around when they are here.  Am I bad for not letting him go somewhere all the time?  How much is too much and what's enough?  I do let him go but I always feel mean when I stick to my NO...not today.  I think the more he goes, the more he thinks he should, and then he'll become bored like them...something he has never been at home... 

I need some advice on how to handle this.  My ten year old son is very outgoing and friendly.  He tries to be friends with anyone that will be his friend.  At first the other kids take to him and so do the parents.  Then we start seeing the parents distance themselves from him and any activity he may have with their kids.  We are on our third school, not because of this.  Our first one was a Catholic school and they just didn't have the help he needed to keep up in his reading.  And the second one we were actually out of the district but it was much closer to our house so we did a transfer but the next year they would not let anyone transfer.  So once again he started a new school.  But at all three schools the parents would say we will have to get the kids together to play and they only time they got together was if we invited them.  He broke his leg in the summer of going into the 2nd grade, which was when he was getting ready to start his second school, he was playing baseball that summer so he didn't get to finish he had a full body cast on so he could even walk.  We was in the hospital for 4 days and not one family came up to see him.  He had been playing baseball with these same kids since kindergarten.  We continued to go to the game and only 2 parents would come up and ask how he was doing, none of his "friends" even asked to come see him.  This 3rd school has been the worst.  We are not rich by any means and the school he goes to now is in the richest part of our town, I'm talking doctors, lawyers and even the mayors kids go here.  He had a tough time adjusting to this school, it was probably christmas the first time he even mentioned anyone in his class.  He played fall football and soccer with these kids and we met most of the mother's, which were very nice until I mentioned where we lived.  They thought we had just moved onto the "hill" and once I said my street conversation stopped they proceded to talk to each other but I pretty much just sat there by myself.  It may sound like I am being paranoid but I'm not.   Since then he has  been invited to one get together, and 2 birthday parties and the second one he basically invited himself.  He asked the mother if he was invited and she told him he was rude for asking, and her son and a boy who was suppose to be his best friend told him the same thing.  He just wanted to know because the kids kept talking about the party.  I didn't know anything about this until the mother said she had had a invitation for him but her son must of lost it.  Every summer our town has a festival and we were there at the this last one and we ran into several of the boys from is school and then we saw the parents and they had all gotten together and made a day of it.  My son asked the boys if he could play with them and they told him no.  Then today after his soccer practice one of the boys he has considered his best friend since last year and said he wasn't like the rest of the kids, is having some kind of party tomorrow.  He heard him ask another boy if he got the invitation and my son asked him what was going on and he said nothing and he said what is the invitation for and the boy just told him "oh just something special."  My son was crushed.  He cried all the way home.  I can't really tell if it is because of me or him or the parents and kids themselves.  If it had been just one or two kids and parents I would say them but we are talking many kids and parents.  I know my family has never really been the greatest with him either.  In fact my mother told a lady that was getting ready to start watching him that she wished her all the luck with him because he was a brat.  My 42 year old brother and 36 year old sister insist on "showing him up", they argue with him almost everytime they are around him.  To say the least I stay away from my family as much as possible.  All I know is this is crushing his self esteem.  He wants me to become friends with these parents so that he can invite kids over and vise versa, so I have tried and I don't cliche with them.  I am friendly when I see them, but it is really hard sometimes because I don't know what to think about the way they treat my son. 

Dr. Phil's words about knowledge and educating ourselves really helped me to figure what I needed to do to get my faulty thinking on straight.  I sort of understand where you are coming from.  I really lived a really nasty work life which rolled into my home life -- I never really thought it was going to get any better. 

However, I chose to start asking myself questions and what I discovered what I needed to understand emotions as well as my tapes.  I chose to tackle my thoughts first to discover what script I was living my life to.  That was in 2004.  I finally finished tackling the nasty scripts I had written in 1999 and 2000.  I now am learning to deal with my fear/anxiety/dying thoughts about living.   

I highly recommend HARRIET LERNER's book:  FEAR AND OTHER UNINVITED GUESTS.   It's easy ready and gives a really good understanding of FEAR, ANXIETY, REJECTION, & SHAME.  By understanding those emotions, I am have been listening to what I'm saying as well as what I'm feeling.  It's been hard work and the benefits are something I can not explain .... I've never been so much at peace and I'm picking myself up and finally going after all the dreams that I put on hold when I was a teenager.   

It's worth doing the work to get your life together.  I just got fed up living the same script over and over again -- it had to stop and the only person who could stop it was ME!!   

I have a 20 month old boy who has decided to hit..kick.. and bite me.He will just walk up out of the blue and smack me. Or lay next to me and start kicking me. Sometimes he will come over and act like he wants a hug and then bite me, laugh and run away.  He never does any of this with other children. Only adults. How on earth can i make him stop? i have tried everything. is this just a stage they go through?  Please help!! 

I have a 17 month old son.  I'm not married to my boyfriend (baby's father) yet but I still consider his mother "the mother-in-law".  She keeps making comments about how, when my son turns 2, she wants to start keeping him overnight sometimes.  The thought of that just wrenches my stomach.  I don't like leaving my son ANYWHERE overnight, but if I shared some background info with you about her, you'd see why I especially don't want her to keep him. 

For one, she smokes.  OK... so that might not be as big of a deal as I have a tendency to make it out to be but still.  My boyfriend smokes but he doesn't do it around my son, therefor, I don't feel she should be able to either (but I know she still will).  What's worse than that is she likes to drink all day long.  Most of the time she's not completely slobber-knockered but she still has enough to drink in a day's worth of time that it's safe to say she shouldn't be left in charge of a very busy 17 month old.  I've also known her to dabble in the world of coke every once in a blue moon & this frightens me.  How am I supposed to know when she's in possession of that stuff or not??? 

I'm in a tough spot because I just plain don't want the woman to be fully in charge of my son EVER.  My boyfriend agrees to an extent but of course this is his mother we're talking about so naturally he feels a bit sorry for her because she barely ever gets to see our son & he tries to make excuses for her to ease my mind.  She & her boyfriend (not the world's best description of a responsible guy) run our local VFW chapter so they spend a lot of time there - drinking & smoking & such - & see, from what I've seen of them with HIS little grandkids, they think it's a nice playground there for the kids to enjoy.  You know, they crawl around on the dirty floor, climb on that filthy pool table, run back & fourth between the bar & the festivities area of the building (meaning they're not exactly being supervised while in their care).  I don't want my son in that environment, I'm sorry. 

Ugh.  I don't know what to do.  I love the woman to death, I truly do, but when it comes to my son...  I need to draw the line for his safety (& for MY sanity)!!!  It's not like I can tell her "OK if you want to keep the baby here's the rules... 

      1.  You have to stay HOME the whole time - No taking him anywhere because I think you're too drunk to drive & you don't have your own proper safety seat for him. 

     2.  No smoking in his presence at any time. 

     3.  No drinking - No offering him kalua & milk to help him go to sleep. 

     4.  I don't want him near the VFW Hall or any of the people in it. 

See why this is making me crazy???  That's truly what I'd feel like telling her if I ever was to let her keep him for a night.  I can't do that.  That's just wrong, not to mention *itchy!!!  That's exactly why I'd just rather not let her keep him.  Maybe just tell her she's more than welcome to come see him at any time & that my boyfriend can bring him to see her sometimes too.  That way she gets to see him but I won't have to freak out at the thought of her wanting to take him for a night...  or worse yet 2!!! 

Is this selfish & crazy of me or am I right for feeling this way???