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October 7, 2008, 8:34 am PDT
 Quote From: tigger2908 I have been separated for 7 years, having been married for 23. For the last 8 years of our marriage, my ex-husband suffered from Clinical Depression. As far as I know, he still does. We have no direct contact.
During the early part of our separation, my ex accused me of alienating our two sons from him. The accusation came to me through my lawyer. While he has stopped accusing me (at least I haven't heard anything more) it was extremely hurtful at the time and I still remember the feeling it caused.
I consider myself a good Mom and I think my sons agree. I'd be lying if I said that I have never said a bad word about my ex to them. After all, I'm human. However, it is his behaviour that has alienated our older son, not anything I said. Without going into it all, my ex is guilty of physical abuse (just once, that's all it took), emotional abuse (saying that our sons would be better off in foster care than with me - if I'm so bad, why didn't he take them?) and financial abuse (he refuses to pay child support), For the first couple of years, I insisted that both sons see their father. Eventually, our older son got to the age where he could make his own choice. He chose to cut off all contact. Our younger son still has a relationship with his father, which I do not discourage in any way.
My point is that just because a child cuts off contact with the non-custodial parent, it's not always the fault of the costodial parent. Some of these people have to take ownership for their own behaviour and accept the fact that they just might be at fault.
Karen I was reading the other posts about this and thought I was in the twighlight zone. Unfortunately the lawyer that was on the show was not very eloquent in her arguments and Dr. Phil bulldozed over her. I think the semantics are very important and it is important to resist calling this a "syndrome". There are sets of BEHAVIORS to explore on both sides of this issue and it is just as likely that the parent making the accusation of parental alienation is the one being retaliatory. Calling it a syndrome will dilute the issue and allow people and the courts to slap a label on an issue with a lot of gray area. Remember years ago when ADHD awareness was raised and nearly every kid with a behavior problem or an excitable nature was diagnosed and put on Meds? I think you risk the same type of scenario if you don't look at subtle, individual characteristics in each situation. Now I am a therapist and believe in the importance of correct diagnosis but I think it is important not to rally on the latest bandwagon. The people on this post have an absolutely valid argument that there are sometimes real and tangible reasons for a child to choose loyalty to one parent over the other and it is even HEALTHY to do so. I also think that we do a disservice to our children to gloss over the very destructive and yes abusive behaviors of some parents (on both sides of this issue and with attention to age appropriate discussions with the child). Who would have this conversation with their child: "Mom/dad-I don't want to visit dad /mom. He/she always puts me down and ignores my feelings." "No honey, dad/mom really loves you and visiting him/her is what you should do."? Talk about codependency and invalidating a child's sense of self worth! |
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