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Messages By: Ducky98

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July 23, 2005, 3:31 pm CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

If you have no good, friendship feelings for someone, it's better to let them go. Even though your friend values what little relationship you have, it would be a service to her to let her go and form real friendships with someone who wants to spend time with her.
 
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July 29, 2005, 11:19 pm CDT

Jealous

Quote From: callrachel

I have known J for 20 years. She's funny, artistically very talented, and has been a good friend to me and to my husband, as we have been to them. About a year ago, I took up a particular artistic pursuit, and although J and her husband didn't have the funds for her to participate, she really wanted to take the class, and we arranged that J's husband would do some renovations for us, and we would pay for her to take the class.  We didn't have much money at that time (or now, for that matter), but it seemed a reasonable way to say thanks for J's husband's help, which I know he would have happily given for free.  Both J and I really enjoyed the class, and both decided to continue on. 

Long story short, although J has brought a high level of creativity to her work in this medium, she hasn't attained the same level of skill that I have. I'm not tremendously creative, but I've mastered the mechanics of the work quite well, to the point that our instructor has invited me to be (the most junior) part of his "build team" for creating his own work.

Six weeks ago, J and I were both given the opportunity to attend a workshop in another city. I booked a hotel room, and offered to share it with her; she refused very ungraciously, staying in college residence for about what the shared room would have cost. While we were there, she was quite cool to me, and refused my offers to work with her, though I solicited her help and both sought and accepted her advice on some of my pieces, J was scathing about my apparent desire to "go home with a lot of product".  I actually don't think there's anything wrong with product; I have sales for some of my pieces, and that in part has offset my costs in this medium. 

I'm hurt by her behaviour, and although I'm trying to realize it's not necessarily about me, it's hard not to take it personally. I value the friendship -- am I a chump?

This sounds like a very simple case of jealousy to me. J may be creative, but you are better than she is with this medium and her jealousy is showing itself in several of her actions:

 

1. The fact that she didn't share a room with you even though it would have been comparable in cost to where she did stay.

 

2. The fact that she refused your offers to work with her.

 

3. The fact that she made an issue of you wanting to go home with a lot of product.

 

Perhaps J is uncomfortable with the fact that you have more money than she does and more than that, that you've got more talent. It's unfortunate that she is letting that come between your friendship. The same thing happened to me many years ago and it's never easy to deal with. Unfortunately, it's not likely that J is going to confess her jealousy to you, but you need to have a candid talk with her and let her know that her behavior is hurtful to you.

 

Be prepared for her to get very defensive and try to turn the situation around on you. Very few people are self-aware enough to admit to their poor and hurtful behavior. Almost always they try to justify it. You can decide your next move based on J's reaction to your discussion.

 

 

 
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September 21, 2005, 7:18 pm CDT

Real World

Dr. Phil lives in the real world because the real world isn't about what age or gender you are. It's about what boundaries you are willing to set. 

  

It doesn't matter if the issue is between a son and dad, a mom and her daughter, or friends. It all boils down to the same base: do you have appropriate boundaries? If not, you need to set those up. 

  

I'd also like to mention that for people who are being threatened by family members that they "won't come to the wedding if you don't <insert whatever they want here>" I suggest you call their bluff. These people are trying to be manipulative and the only way to set a boundary and not allow their manipulation is to call their bluff. In other words, if they say they won't come to the wedding, say "I'm sorry to hear that. You'll be missed" and then hang up the phone or walk away from the conversation. 

  

If you lay down, people will walk all over you. 

 
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September 21, 2005, 8:29 pm CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: farmerchik

I have been reading all the ordeals with toxic friendships and I decided to post my own message regarding mine in hopes of some advice.   

    

I have been seeing this man for over a year and we dated in high school some 30plus years ago.  When we first decided to date, he told me he had a girlfriend but he wasn't happy because she's loud, obnoxious and rude most of the time and was an embarrassment.   

    

He and I have a great relationship.  We have so much in common and really enjoy eachother's company.  The only wrong thing is this "friend" of his.  She won't let go.  As a matter of fact, her exact words were, "I don't care who he's with, I will always be a part of his life.  I'm never going away."  At first, I thought, "oh, ok."  But she wasn't kidding.  It's a classic example of she doesn't want him but she doesn't want him to have anyone else.  

    

She calls him everyday at least once or twice.  She used to call him while we were out together.  (he finally got her to stop doing that.)  My problem is him, I think.  He made it very clear to me that he will not tell her to get lost.  He says he loves me and can't imagine his life without me in it but yet he continues to hold onto this woman.  I know there's nothing romantically happening on his part but I don't know what she's up to.  I don't like her and I don't trust her but believe me, I've tried everything.   

    

He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I don't understand his reasoning so where do I go from here????   

    

Frustrated in Ohio   

Farmerchik, 

  

The first step here is to acknowledge that you and he do not have a great relationship. If you did, there would be a lot more respect flowing from him to you in terms of dumping the "other woman." Make no mistake, she is the other woman regardless of whether he is doing anything physical with her. If nothing else, there's an unhealthy emotional relationship going on. 

  

You ask "Where do I go from here?" The answer is that you go forward either with him or alone. Those are the only options. If he refuses to get rid of her and it bothers you, then you need to get rid of him. If you don't want to get rid of him, you're going to have to live with his disrespect. 


Remember - you teach people how to treat you. You've taught him that it's ok for him to keep this woman in his life. If that's ok with you, so be it. Quit complaining. If it's not ok with you, you have to be willing to walk away from him. 

  

Best of luck. 

 
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October 6, 2005, 7:41 pm CDT

Ending Toxic Friendships

Quote From: farmerchik

Hi, 

  Thank you for replying to my message.  Actually, you said to me exactly what I've been thinking but I felt that maybe I was wrong.  I need to learn to follow my gut instinct instead of my heart sometimes. 

  

   We had another discussion last night but again, I don't think it went anywhere.  I guess I'm going to have to take control of the situation and do like you said, move on with or without him. 

  

   All I want in life is to be happy and so far, that's the only thing I haven't been. 

  

Sincerely, 

  

Farmerchik 

Farmerchik, 

  

You can be happy in this life. It's about the choices you make and what you're willing to accept in this life. Your boyfriend keeps the "other woman" simply because he can. If this bothers you, you have to be willing to walk away.  

  

You deserve to have all the emotional energy your boyfriend has to give. You deserve not to compete with someone else for his affections. If you are unhappy with this behavior and he's unwilling to negotiate a solution you can both be excited about, then it's time for you to walk. There's only so much you can do. If you let this continue, you will never be happy. 

 
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October 11, 2005, 11:18 am CDT

Finally!

I was in complete agreement with the woman regarding the discipline of children in public. It was quite obvious that there was some misunderstanding of her position by the other woman. What she was saying was that if the child was engaging her in some form (kicking the back of her seat, throwing things at her, etc.) then it was appropriate to tell the child to stop.  

  

What gets me about this topic is that people with children think they are entitled to have their child disrupt others in public places. I've heard every excuse in the book for this from "My child has a right to be here" to "He/she's just a babyeeee." 

  

A child has a right to be in SOME places, but not all places and if a child is being disruptive and disturbing others, he/she should be taken out of the place. An adult would not be allowed to scream, cry and disrupt others in a public place. It's called disturbing the peace and it's a crime. Yes, children are not adults, but the theme still stands - if they are being disruptive, they should leave.  

  

I thought it was outrageous for the women with three children (and pregnant with a fourth) to say she had trouble handling all three kids when they are out and about. Here's some novel concepts: 

  

1. Don't have more kids than you can handle. 

2. Understand that when you bring children into this world, you're going to have to miss a few things here and there if they are being disruptive because you have to properly discipline them by leaving a place where they aren't behaving. 

  

It seemed to me that woman just wanted to make excuses for why she couldn't possibly be expected to be a good parent. 

  

The story Robin told about taking her son out of a restaurant when he was noisy/throwing a fit was right on! She left with him and apologized to the other patrons to boot. Now that's good parenting. 

  

 
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October 12, 2005, 7:01 pm CDT

Wow!

Ashlee's life is a sad example of what happens when a parent doesn't deal with their own emotional baggage. Ashlee is desperate to be a normal child and her mother is holding her back from experiencing all those things that children need to experience so they can learn to be good, strong managers of their own lives. 

  

This is the second time Teresa has been on the show (I saw her first appearance as well). I can only hope that this time, it "took" and she will be able to move forward. 

  

I am surprised her husband hasn't sat her down and told her to get some help. The children are miserable and he has to be miserable as well not being able to have the confidence of his wife in his abilities to be a good dad. If any men are reading these boards, DO NOT let your wife get away with being overprotective of the children and underenthusiastic about your parenting skills. It's a disservice to you and the children. 

  

I was shocked when Teresa said, in all seriousness, that Ashlee could go to college, but only if she lived at home while she was doing it. That's completely insane. I thought it was interesting that Dr. Phil was joking with Teresa about being in-between Ashlee and her future husband because it's not like Teresa would ever even let the girl date, let alone find a husband. After all, every man wanting to take her daughter out would be seen as a potential date rapist, drug addict, drinking driver, etc. 

  

Teresa is absolutely out of control and I cannot imagine having to live a life of total fear. It's crippling for her and for Ashlee. 

  

Teresa, please take the help Dr. Phil offered! If you don't, once your daughter is able to legally get free of you she will do so and she will resent you even more than she already does. You don't want that. 

  

  

 
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October 15, 2005, 8:20 pm CDT

10/07 The Latest Debates

Quote From: mama_loebs

However, I do believe that it's a parent's responsibility to decide when their child is being disruptive. My husband and I decided long before having a baby, that we would never take a baby into a restaurant. Our reasoning was that most ppl pay for a quiet evening away from home. The last thing my husband and I wanted to hear on a romantic evening out was a screaming baby. We've done it once, but only at the stern request of my grandmother. (She's 86, I don't have the heart to tell her no). We tried explaining that we didn't want to take a baby to a restaurant and why, but she insisted. Well, almost immediately after ordering, my 3wk old started screaming and crying. I took her to the back patio where no other patrons were and nursed her. Once she was satisfied she stopped crying, and I was able to return to the table. I decided to hold her while I ate because I didn't want for her to fuss again. My husband decided to be helpful and take her from me and put her in her carseat so I could eat. That just got her crying again. So he took her back to the patio. While he was out I told grandma we're getting carry out boxes and leaving. By the time my husband was back inside, all the food was packed up and we left. I just wanted to share this story so that it's known that not all parents are inconsiderate when it comes to the behavior of their children in public settings. Oh, and Lord help my child if she ever decides she wants to harass strangers in a public setting when she gets older. I'm a firm believer that parents should control their children. It's our job to teach them better than to harass others and how to behave in public.

Well said Mama Loeb! Your message speaks to the essence of the issue. It's the parents' job to control their children and teach them not to harass others in public. That is all the rest of us members of society are asking. We want parents to control their children in public places instead of making excuses for why harrasing/disruptive behavior is ok. It's never ok and things would be a lot more tolerable for all concerned if parents would just understand that. 

  

It appears that you do and that is appreciated. 

 
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October 17, 2005, 9:23 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

Teresa, 

  

Your daughter was having to comfort you on the show. You were crying, she hugged you and said "Mom don't cry." That's pretty much the definition of comforting.  

  

You are overprotective and you are burdening your daughter with your own issues. That's essientially what Dr. Phil said to you. I hope you get help before you do some real damage to your daughter. You can make all the excuses in the world about child molestors in the neighborhood and how people without children just don't understand and what have you, but in the end, this is about you and your fears. People who don't have some issue to work out don't appear on the Dr. Phil show TWICE.  

  

Own the problem here. Get some help for it so your daughter can have a real childhood. Children are not gifts TO their parents, they come through their parents meaning that their parents are the stewards of the children, teaching them to be their own person. Teach Ashlee what she needs to know to be a free-thinking adult. And while you're at it, give some respect to your husband for his parenting skills. If you don't even trust your own husband to watch the children, there's no hope.  

 
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October 27, 2005, 1:59 pm CDT

10/19 "I'm Gay, OK?"

It seems to me that Anjela was defining her life by her sexuality. I find that sad because she is so much more! A good friend of mine who is gay once said that he doesn't define himself by being gay. He defines himself by his character and who he is as a person. That's what we all need to do, gay or straight.  

  

Also, it seems that Anjela's sister really just wanted Anjela to hear her and take into consideration her life and what is important to her. It seems that both Anjela and her sister have been totally inconsiderate of each other. Anjela's sister should let Anjela talk about what's important to her and respect that (respect doesn't equal agreement, it's just respect for what's important to Anjela) and Anjela needs to do the same. Calling her sister a breeder and not asking her how she's doing or what's important to her is contributing to the problems. 

  

This family just has an issue of not respecting one another all the way around. It's not about the sexual orientation, it's about loving one another and being concerned about each other. I hope they all accept the help Dr. Phil offered. 

 

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