Messages By: ricschic

As many as 70% of men who batter women also batter their children, making the presence of spouse abuse
the single most identifiable risk factor for predicting child abuse. Physical abuse results not just in the
obvious physical injuries, but also in many of the same effects which form the aftermath of psychological maltreatment. [See below]
? Physical injuries include: skeletal injuries, neurological and ocular damage, broken bones, third-degree burns,
bruises, lacerations, contusions, gastric or intestinal perforations and intestinal obstructions. ? "Over 60% of all abuse fatalities and over 50% of all cases of permanent disability occur among
children under 2 years of age, primarily from head injuries." [Italics added.]



"Repeated and chronic exposure to interpersonal or family violence in childhood (either as a victim or a witness) has been associated with:
? chronic or delayed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD),
? adolescent and adult substance abuse,
? a wide variety of child, adolescent and adult behavioral disorders,
? depression,
? suicidality,
? self-mutilation (i.e., cutting),
? an intolerance for or constant search for intimacy, and
? diagnoses of multiple and borderline personality disorder."

I have to add that I'm living proof (or rather my children are) that the children don't have to be the victim of physical abuse to suffer from the "side effects." 

Living in an emotionally abusive household is enough...MORE than enough.....I can attest to that personally.  Becky

First of all, I don't "buy" this "anger illness" bit. I've seen several episodes of the show from the "doctor" that has identified this as an "illness". What I find curious is that all the women (b/c I've only seen women on the show) are able to control their "outbursts" in every other aspect except at home, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. They manage control quite well while in a public setting, then lose it once they get into the privacy of their own home.

That being said...I'm not here to judge you. If calling it an "illness" facilitates change in even ONE person's life, then it's worth it. Whatever has to be done to get the women to seek help for themselves, and their children.

Please seek counseling for yourself, and your children as well. You're exhibiting learned behaviors, and your children are bearing the brunt of that. Knock on every door, contact whomever you can think of to get the help you need. I think you need more help than a cyber-stranger can give you. If I had something, believe me...you'd have it. The best I can do is to urge you to seek out some help for yourself. There is a "parenting helpline"...maybe you can call them and talk to someone the next time you're about to rage at your children. The number....

1.877. 446.6865

There is a social services helpline, but I don't know what kind of resources they can help with. It might be a good start, though...that number is simply "211".

Good luck...I sincerely hope you find the help you need.

Myth 1:
It's because he was abused as a child.
Truth: In a study done of abusers, 61% stated they were abused in childhood. When attached to a lie detector, less than 29% actually had been abused.
Fact: An abuse may embelish his childhood suffering once he discovers it helps him escape responsibility for his actions.

Myth 2:
He had a previous partner who mistreated him terribly.
Truth: When most abusers claim this, the behaviors they attribute to their ex are most often THEIR own.
Fact: An abuser can mistreat partner after partner in relationships, each time believing that the problems are all the women's fault and that he is the real victim. Always check the story out with the former partner.

Myth 3:
He's abusive because he feels strongly about me.
Truth: Although our feelings can influence how we wish to act, our CHOICES are determined by our attitudes and beliefs. This is why when YOU are going through strong emotions, you choose a different emotional outlet other than abuse.

Myth 4:
He holds his feelings in too much and they build up until he bursts.
Truth: Abusers have an exaggerated sense of how important their feelings are, and they act them out and talk them out all the time, until their partners and children are exhausted from hearing about it all. When he feels bad he feels life should stop for everyone else until someone fixes his discomfort.
Fact: Their inner world is all that matters. The mounting tension is actually driven by his LACK of empathy for your feelings and regular marriage, individual, or couples counseling just feeds his feeling of importance.

Myth 5: He has a violent, explosive personality.
Truth: Abusers are fairly calm in all dealings other than with their partner.
Fact: Sometimes the more educated an abuser, the more knots he can tie in a woman's brain, the better he is at getting her to blame herself, and the slicker is his ability to persuade other people she's crazy

Myth 6: He loses control of himself.
Truth: He only breaks your stuff and is only out of control when it won't embarrass him. If he were trully remorseful he would help clean up. An abuser may 'go wild' but never truly forgets his limits.
Fact: An abuser almost never does anything he considers morally unacceptable. His core problem is a distorted sense of right and wrong. The abuser's problem lies in his belief that he is justified in controlling or abusing his partner.

Myth 7: He's too angry, needs anger management
Truth: Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury. The abuser's anger can DIVERT YOUR ATTENTION FROM ALL THE DISRESPECT, IRRESPONSIBILITY, TALKING OVER YOU, LYING, AND OTHER ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS that he exhibits even at times when he isn't especially upset.
Fact: His most intimidating form of abuse may come out when he's angry, but his deeper pattern of control is operating ALL the time.

Myth 8: He's crazy.
Truth: Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology. A man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarily to intimate relationships is an abuser.
Fact: Abusers don't like to be medicated because they are too selfish to put up with the side effects. No medication has been discovered that can turn an abuser into a loving, considerate, appropriate partner

Myth 9: He hates women
Truth: Disrespect for women certainly is rampant among abusive men. Attitude that their partners should cater to their needs and are not worthy of being taken seriously carries even to their own daughters and is passed on to their sons through modeling.
Fact: The great majority of abusive men have a sense of superiority or contempt towards females and don't show any obvious signs of problems with women until they are in a serious relationship.

Myth 10: He is afraid of intimacy and abondonment.
Truth: Abusive men are often jealous and possessive, and their coercive and destructive behaviors can escalate when their partners attempt to break up with them.
Fact: Most abusive men have their worst incidents after a period of tension - not closeness, so their fear of intimacy was never triggered from a psychological stand point.

Myth 11: He suffers from low self-esteem
Truth: An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention he receives, the more he demands. He never reaches a point where he is satisfied, where he has beengiven enough. He gets used to the luxurious treatment he is receiving and soon escalates his demands.
Fact: Abusers like this myth because it gets them more sympathy with their partner, therapist, and others.

Myth 12: His boss abuses him/Stress at work
Truth: I have never once had a client whose behavior at home has improved because of a job change.

Myth 13: He has poor communication skills
Truth: An abusive man is not UNABLE to resolve conflict. He is UNWILLING to do so. Abusers have normal abilities to resolve conflict when they CHOOSE to use them (work, public, with extended family). They DON'T WANT to handle these kinds of issues nonabusively when it involves their partners.

Myth 14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men
Truth: Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim and most men who claim to be 'battered' are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victim.

Myth 15: Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as it is for his partner.
Truth: Abusers actually benefit from their controlling behavior. They don't experience emotional or physical pain, loss of freedom, self-blame, etc.



Myth 16: The alcohol (substance of choice) makes him abuse.
Truth: Alcohol cannot create an abuser, and sobriety cannot cure one. The only way an abuser can overcome his abusiveness is to deal with his abusiveness. You are not 'enabling' your partner to mistreat you, he is entirely responsibl for his own actions.

Truth: He wants to pluck your view of reality out of your head and replace it with his.

Realities:
1) He is controlling
2) He feels entitled
3) He twists things into their opposites
4) He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her
5) He confuses love and abuse
6) He is manipulative
7) He strives to have a good public image
8) He feels justified in abusing his partner
9) Abusers deny and minimize their abuse
10) Abusers are possessive

Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.

Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change UNLESS they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners.

Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be.

Abusers are UNWILLING to be nonabuse, not UNABLE

You are not crazy

Ok...I *think* I'm done...for now.....Becky

I just wanted to tell you that your feelings are perfectly understandable and normal. That you feel they're "not productive and immature" doesn't make them any less real to you. Of course you wish he'd done these things while you all were together. If he truly hasn't shifted the manipulations, and efforts to control (and abuse) from you to the kids...well..that's a good thing. So many of them DO.

Wonderful that your job is going good!!!! Such satisfaction, such a sense of accomplishment and self esteem. YAY for you!! That the kids are adjusting well is a bonus! So happy for you ALL.

Of course there are times when you're going to miss your ex. It's not like these men were bad ALL the time. Sometimes it's hard to get past wanting what they simply are unable to give. Those feelings WILL pass with enough time. At least they did for me.

Be kinder to yourself. Understand that you're going to have a whole host of emotions to deal with. It's all part of the healing process. Yes, it is hard..and yes, it does suck sometimes. Total agreement from me there on that one. But I found that the better I was to myself, the easier the process became. *I* became important to me.

Here's wishing you peace, comfort and blessings......Becky

Each and every one of you!! Unfortunately I can't get on the internet anymore. I'm only able to do this rarely. How I miss so much. You're right...nothing feels the same. Nothing IS the same.

In a word...I haven't been in touch with the "grocery store man". And while whatever pain I might be dealing wtih currently in my life, I cannot even getin to compare it with someone else's. My heart can bear only so much pain, however selfish that may sound. Forgive me for that. Things have transpired in my own personal life that have caused me so much. Pain. I've always said it's been myy most faithful of lovers. Never deserting me. It comes in many shapes, fashions and forms. And yet...only so much. It would sound extremely selfish to talk of my own personal losses, and the losses of those near and dear. I'm afraid that I'm not as strong as I used to be. I will allow myself a selfish moment here and say that I've had my heart ripped out from things that happened in my own family. Add things from my "extended" family and sometimes it's simply too much. However...it is what it is. You deal the best you can.

I miss you all so much. Those of you dealing wtih your own personal pains...hang in here. People here care, probably more than you'll ever know. They understand. They love. Let that love envelop you,  you won't regret it.

I hope some day to be able to be back regularly. I will go out on a limb and state that I WILL be back someday. I can't wait.

My love to all. Strength is within that love.

And Pleasance....my porch light burns. Always.