Quote From: tamsue35and happy birthday early.... yeah sometimes you want to celabrate and sometimes you dont....
there have been lots of times that our family (mom,dad me and my brother) have not felt like celabrating on the day of something and weve done it on another day. heck if we ever do it on the right day its a celabration in its self. lol....and that includes Christmas and Thanksgivng too. because mom always has to work or dad was sick or just didnt feel like going anyplace. and they're his relatives. he wasnt at most of the family gatherings . mostly after my grandpa died...... and after my dad got sick he went even less. there were time i was the only one that went to any of them........and even now its like there are so many of my cousins that are married and now that my grandma has moved in with my other aunt.... it is a long ways to go to spend holidays with her and them so i spend it with my other aunt like i have been when grandma was living with her.......
anyway dad and mom both never like it when ever me or my brother says anything to anyone about what is going on in our 4some family. what went and still goes on in our family the 3 of us now should stay with us......well when i had to start therapy its like well if i am not aloud to talk about the family what am i supose to talkl about that is what these drs want me to talk about. and even now my mom asks me if i tell them about certain things conserning us and i say well yeah and she dont think i should because of what they might think of her and us. i said well what am i supose to talk about......????
i grew up not talking about things i should have talked about and thats why im in therapy and on meds and all messed up and will be for ever..........and even now i still have things i will not talk about because of what it would do to others and i wont hurt others . too many have already been hurt because of what i said when i was with other drs. and when i trusted other not to tell and they did. so i dont tell anyone my deep dark secretes......and what is really in my head and on my mind......believe me you really dont want to know whats in my head.....and neither do my dr.s or anyone else...........tama
Well, it's 2:30 am Central Time. Slept alittle. I know about deep dark secrets. I had talked to my therapist about it, but couldn't do what she wanted me to do because I couldn't hurt that person either. I did tell my sister, but she didn't believe me anyway. So, I just keep it inside and try not to think about it, but it has a way of sneaking up on me from time to time. I am also diabetic. My dad had diabetes and died from complications. That was over 30 yrs ago. They didn't have the meds they do now. But, I have stopped taking them. Anything to speed my death along, I guess. I have often thought of suicide, but I'm just trying to find a way so as not to hurt my husband, like I don't want him finding my body. I've been in the hospital twice over the last 11 yrs with suicidal ideation. It really helped for awhile. Of course, I had to leave the hospital when my ins. was up! But, I continued the therapy. I was in a group with all women and we split the cost of the hour session. That was pretty cool. But the thoughts keep coming back and I don't know how to stop them forever. I don't know, but sometimes I have been thinking about going back in the hospital. I have been at my job for 17 yrs, so I have like 37 days of vacation. Don't know what my husband will think of it though. I was married before when I was last in the hospital and that husband left me. He blamed me being in hospital for divorce. Guess he thought I was just crazy. But, then I think, why bother? It might help awhile, but the sadness and hopelessness will just return. Why go through all that again. I was first suicidal when I was 12. This has been nearly 40 yrs of living hell. How much more must I endure? Well, I guess I'll go lay down and see what's on TV. I'm trying not to take sleeping pills as much. I can hardly find strength to get up anyway. But, it helps to shut off my mind. Anyway, those pills may come in handy.
