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Messages By: annanut

annanut
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July 25, 2005, 4:32 pm PDT

Fears and Phobias

I'm not really sure if this is the right post for me, since I'm not sure my fear is really irrational. I mean, the extent is irrational, but maybe not the content. I'm afraid of men, most of the time, and I have panic attacks in the classroom (I study at University). It's paralyzing, and now I have to take medication for it. I can't go into a seminar if I'm even a minute late b/c I think people will look at me. I never speak even though it jeapordizes my future in academia because I'm so afraid the professor will notice me. I also freak out in crowds, but the classroom is still the most terrifying. I guess this all comes from me having been raped my professor at the school I went to before; but still! It's been since 2002 (late spring). I've been seeing a psychiatrist twice a week for more than two years, close to two-and-a-half (thank G-d for medicare), and I'm still like this. I guess I just want some reassurance that it will get better, since at the end of next year I hope to return to my former school and train to be a psychiartic nurse. Having been committed to a psychiatric institution myself, I know just how much good dedicated people can do, and I don't want to give up my dream because I am still too afraid to face the environment it's lodged in.
 
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annanut
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July 31, 2005, 7:08 pm PDT

labelfree I feel you

Yeah man, I know how much being labeled bites a**. When I got comitted to the nut house -sorry Psychiatric facility - for trying to kill myself again, I got all KINDS of labels, like: OCD, OCPD, dysthymia, major depressive episode layered (double depression), bipolar disorder NOS, panic disorder, borderline personality disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia (actually in the DSM I think it's impossible to have schizophrenia comorbid with a mood disorder, hence the classification of schizoaffective disorders...), psychotic symptoms specifier - MDE, brief hysterical reactive psychosis (which is, and was, no longer in the DSM). I got help when I tried to kill myself in the hospital (which I now admit might not have been a great idea) and got transfered to intensive psychatric care, where I got a new doctor who wasn't intent on diagnosing me with everything on Axis One (and 2 axis two's) so he could throw lots of meds at me and hope one would work. I was finally released and referred to an amazing doctor who saves my life in biweekly sessions, doesn't believe in unnecessary medication for young people, and believes in treating the individual and their symptoms/history instead of codified, ambiguous lists you can find in the DSM. I'm still really F****d up, but hey at least now someone's helping me deal with crippling depression and my annoying tendency to get raped. Next week, when he gets back from vacation, we'll probably move to my fear of abandonment.... Tnx 4 listening...
 
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annanut
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August 1, 2005, 3:23 pm PDT

::bounce::

Quote From: labelfree

You know how you said something like F****d up!  I find that completely acceptable!  There are people on here who actually find this type of "messaging" offensive!

 

I feel your just being real!

 

Second whatever you have you are sure smart!  Dont allow them whoever they are to own your brain.  Dont get me wrong I am now for the first time EVER taking correct medication.

 

Baby dose of anti depressant med.  A mood stablizer,  and a stress reliver at night.  I do not abuse anything nor do I self medicate or drink or drug anything and I gave up smoking all substances June 1, 05.

 

I am really sorry about that rapped thing.. Is that truly for real or do you put yourself in scarey situations?  Okay that might be to personal so if it is Im sorry.

 

I just think your awesome it was a pleasure to have met you..!

wow, you think I'm smart? Thank you sooo much!! Normally I get told I'm dumb b/c in school I invent my own theories from primary materials instead of just copying the old one's used in canonical literary studies so people just think I can't do research...I'm in literature right now which makes people say I'm dumber.... But hey! Even though everyone thinks it's weird that I keep the DSM-IV-TR under my bed and look up meds in pharmaceutical catalogues, I encourage everyone who's ever been diagnosed with or put on ANYTHING to do it! It's very empowering to understand exactly what the doctors are saying to you, what it means, the biophysiology behind it, the pharmocology they treat it with. It's great because if you speak their language they respect you, and you have the tools to challenge what they say, suggest alternatives, maybe come up with your own theories - like a link btwn BPD and cylothymia, maybe. I find it makes me feel more active in understanding the complex things that make me how I am. Plus, who knows more about what it'a like to live your life than you, right? Maybe this is a chance to see something I didn't want to and face it, like how you hurt myself; maybe it's a chance for me to not passively accept what people say about me as true, and now I have clinical evidence as to why that is. And trust me, it's not 'cause I'm smarter than anyone: it's intimidating when you first look at this stuff, but you take little steps and the internet makes it sooo much easier for laypeople like me to grasp it.
 
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annanut
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August 1, 2005, 3:34 pm PDT

personal question

and you know about that question about being raped and whatever, that's not too personal. I'm very outspoken b/c I think this is an issue lots of people face and if they can connect with what I'm saying and know they're not alone, then maybe being vocal can do some good. I do place myself in dangerous situtations, if inadvertantly. I was sexually assaulted as a young child, and I have this tendency to confuse social cues normal people recognize as sexual interest with, I don't know, cues that don't mean that, so I don't realize the intention until too late. I also ignored my gut and hung out with this prof who had a habit of sexually harassing his students (which I only found out afterward). It also seems like b/c of my early experience I'm drawn to people who will likely hurt me later. The other time was b/c I live in a smallish town and got beat up and stuff a lot since I was dating a girl at the time. Can I ask you what kind of antidepressant you're taking? You don't have to answer...I've taken Celexa, Trazodone, and Elavil, but everyone I know is taking Effexor. Maybe I can explain it to you if you want, it's good practice for me, but I'm better at SSRI's and Tricyclics that MAOI's.neways reaalllly long post...bye...
 
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annanut
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August 2, 2005, 12:16 pm PDT

wow you're my more enlightened twin

Quote From: gebham

Hi, My first post on this board. I've been reading through some of the posts on the board and thought i'd write a little note. Im 22, im bisexual though at this stage in my life i would say i'm most interested in dating people on the same sex (women). A lot of people seem to be struggling with a sense of confusion in their messages as to whether they are gay or not and a lot of the replies seem to say 'hey dont worry you are who u r, u shouldnt be ashamed etc' (which is fair enough!). I just wanted to offer a different view, hope noone takes offence. Of course you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are if you do have feelings for the same sex, but its not as easy as that, i know. Ive been out for about 2 years now, and am in a year long relationship with a woman. I still however feel bad for my family, who r 'dealing with' it, and don't always tell everyone that asks. Having feelings for someone of the same sex isnt something u have to deal with straight away. no pun intended. I would say take it slowly. theres no way if ure just coming to terms with feelings that your going to be ready to go to a gayclub, kiss someone and get the membership badge to gayville. Spend some time talking to people about it. Its not easy and even 2/3 years on being out, its still not easy but at the same time its one of the best things i ever did. Don't get yourself down with what it could mean for other people. Your life isnt going to take a dramatic turn all of a sudden if u realise u feel somethng for the same sex. Take your time. Explore your feelings in your head, maybe talk to other people who feel the same. And take as long as you want deciding for yourself how you feel.

 

Anyway....thats my little bit of advice...heh. If anyone wants to contact me please feel free, and if you just want to talk about anything give me a shout.
Good luck with everything.
Lifes short! sexuality really isnt a huge deal!

G x

I'm also 22 and bisexual, with feelings more for the same sex as me. I 'came out' when I was 19 to my family, but I never bothered to think of how they might feel or deal with it. They haven't, so that solves that. It's totally not easy, and yes it's a transition you should make gradually. I also think, though, that being part of a queer community can help you face challenges side by side with other people who face what you do. I just want to say right on for being honest on the message board, comming out, and not being ashamed or questioning whether it's normal for you. Thank you so much!
 
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annanut
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August 5, 2005, 6:35 pm PDT

yeah, I'm in your club...

Quote From: labelfree

Please write when you can...
I'm sorry I didn't write back for so long, I was really feeling bad for a few days so I didn't get out of bed. But then I turned on the computer and got all your messages so actually I'm pretty happy right now. Yay! Trust me, your erratic hours and my spontaneous combustion, I think, will work out fine on these message boards Eccentric Geniuses, I love it... I hope your child who got his teeth pulled is okay and not too worried about braces.
 
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annanut
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August 5, 2005, 6:39 pm PDT

and stuff

You asked me about my age and school whatnot. I'm 22; I don't know if you've heard of my school because I live in Montreal, Canada, but it's McGill University. I'm in Lit. right now, but I picked up a Psych minor after my first hospital doctor told me I was too dumb to understand how my pills worked, and I wanted to prove him wrong. When I graduate (finally) I'm going back to CEGEP - here that's a step before University - to do a nursing degree b/c I want to be a psychiatric nurse and help people like me. It's weird I have a degree since none of my friends do, and it's ironic 'cause they all have jobs and I have to spend all my money on school.What were you studying at school? If you could learn anything, would that be it? Would you go back? I know it's REALLY hard with kids, but in some perfect world where we could all have anything, would you?
 
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annanut
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August 5, 2005, 7:43 pm PDT

Too Cool!

Quote From: labelfree

I used to live up there!  I lived on the WEST ISLAND  Pierre-fonds, Quebec.  I had my middle daughter up there at Lake shore hospital, then she was transfered to Jewish General in Montreal.  She was 5 weeks early and boy was that whole thing a nightmare. I was a Psych major actually studying serial killers ( why?) because I couldn't believe there were such terrible people in this world that would commit such Hannis crimes 

  

Plus they scarred me to death.  The typical scary man with the coke bottle glasses.  I also took writing glasses.  I took Psych classes at a Private college and the writing and Psych at Rutgers University. 

  

I am about 10K in the hole in Student loans in default  I got all screwed up because me and numbers do not get along truly and that is NOT BULL sh... 

I withdrew from my last round of classes because I got sick<mentally> no excuse because I wasn't even diagnosed properly and to be very honest  RUTGERS is just way to BIG! 

  

I WOULD GO BACK IN A heart beat!   It would be my husband who would have a problem with that WE CANT AFFORD IT BLAH BLAH BLAH.... 

  

 I don't even know how many credits I have..Just when I thought I was getting somewhere with behavior and emotion they start talking about Hypothalamus!  UGHHHHH 

  

Yes I would love to go back...I wish I could go to (Princeton) but they don't take transfers in. and I am not rich hahahah 

  

However even though I am 41  did you know its the new 20's?  Write back E.G.  xoxoxo 

that is SOOO strange in a what-are-the-chances kind of way, serendipity ( I think serendipity's the wrong word for what I'm trying to convey, but what am I going to do?) I hate student loans. I mean, it's 'great' that tuition is frozen in Que. but why don't they increase International and out Province fees, put up the cost for Que students in general and then widen the criteria for bursary eligibility: then they could afford to send more people who can't afford it to school for free - or at least cheaper - so they don't end up with stagerring loans and interest when others could easily have afforded a little more in fees to start off with...but I'm ranting. Did you know that the last PQ government forcibly merged all the municipalities on the island of Montreal into one giant city? Everything that used to be cities are 'burroughs' now. In St. Laurent, the day the courts said the municipalities couldn't contest it, they draped their city hall in black cloth. I don't live there, but it was very impressive. What did they do for your daughter when she was born early? Incubator, incredibly long hospital stay? It's terrifying when that happens. I wish I was forty; then maybe I would be somewhere in my life instead of in this limbo, and maybe I would have the perspective to see things that have happened clearly instead of this overwhelming black mass hanging over me, rolling in like a wave. (I stole that image from Wurtzel's "Prozac Nation" just so I don't get sued). I can't believe you went to Rutgers that is just too amazing...!
 
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annanut
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August 5, 2005, 7:48 pm PDT

wish me luck

I have a blood test tomorrow morning; wish me luck, I always get nervous!I got a new GP, and she looked at me funny when she found out that despite a long history of depressive illness (I started trying to kill myself when I was eight years old) no one ever checked to see if my thyroid was functioning properly. Even recently, when there turned out to be history of thyroid problems in my family. So now I find out. And while I'm there I hope I don't test HIV positive: I'm dangerously impulsive in 'romance' and also have many piercings and tattoos. Actually, I'm sure I don't have HIV, I'm just worried about discovering my hormones aren't broken and there goes my lovely quick-fix idea. Tnx in advance :) xoxoxoxox
 
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annanut
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August 8, 2005, 3:13 pm PDT

I like my new friend

Quote From: labelfree

Hope all went well with your tests.  It would be great if down here in the States if they adopted some sort of "socialist" medical treatments.  Also every person who had a baby got paid when I was up there!  First baby x amount  second baby x amount and so on.....also  each kid every month got a milk money check,,, without embarrassment...In this country kids are looked down upon.. 

  

We really need to flip that situation here.  I truly learned so much when I lived there.  Mostly how to Reade French A.s.a.P.  The year i went up 1987 they took down all ENGLISH signs and were trying to separate.  It so funny and scary too.  I made friends with the Indians.  On there Reservations and bought Bootleg  American Cigarettes  (even though I quit since June 1, 05) still counting the days)  

  

I learned compassion for people who do not speak the main language of the land.  IE for my Country it is English and anyone who does not speak English I always extend myself to them in compassion and understanding because of my experiences up in Quebec! 

  

Well please write back when you can...Study hard at school..Keep coming up with those formula's and do not let anyone STOP YOUR MIND EVER! 

You are an EG! 

Bye Your new Pal   LABEL FREE!  

I totally agree that there needs to be better health care in the US; people told me I should go there when I'm a nurse, but really what happens if you get sick? And who do you get to treat? I'd want to work at a State Hospital since it's closer to what we have here...I remember the baby bonuses; they don't have that anymore b/c instead of trying to raise the birthrate they rely on immigration...but yeah if there was no medicare I'd be out of luck and probably out on the street. But implementation of a two-tier health care system is going through the courts as governments more further right, so we might lose it (2-tier like they want is to 'keep' medicare services for everyone who can't pay but let people with $ jump the line, allowing MD's to practice simultaneously in both systems, which right now is illegal). It's only so long before the $ people ask why they have to pay medicare taxes if they use other services so it doesn't benefit them, right?
 
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