Message Boards

Messages By: emmdavis

User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
sad
July 26, 2005, 7:33 am CDT

*SIGH*

This is very difficult to type out, because I've never spoken of it. Kiza, please don't get married yet.

I've been married to my husband for just over 2 years, and his porn thing didn't become apparent to me till about a year ago..   it was just one movie.. now it's several, a rubber dick that I didn't know he had ( i take it that it wasn't for me... )  and sorry for being so graphic, there's also oils and things that I also didn't know about.

I was even thinking of going to Dr.Phil, but my husband would freak out. He's 10 years older than me, and we used to have great sex.. now, I can't remember the last time we actually made love.. for him, I guess it's his porn.. for me.. well.. sadly, I went outside the marriage .. had a great few days of sex that I actually got to participate in.. then came home. Do I feel guilty ? I probably should, but I don't.

Kiza, my husband is 48.. he says the same thing your fiance does.. it's normal.. it'a a guy thing.. he'll stop if you want him to. That's such crap. Please don't put yourself in that situation. I can't measure up to those porn women .. not for all the tea in China.. but I am pretty, and I'm only 38.

Like I said.. I should have gone to Dr. Phil.. I should have taped today's show to show my husband what Dr.Phil said. I tried to tell my husband the very same things Dr.Phil said, but I repeatedly get no where rapidly.

I hope Dr.Phil can help your fiance..  I wish he could help my husband.

Sorry this blubbering took so long, but it actually feels really good to get it out.

Thanks.

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 26, 2005, 2:45 pm CDT

You Go Girl !!

Quote From: kalina

Emm, I totally relate to you. Now I don't feel so alone in this. I am 27 and my boyfriend of 10 years is 25. He, in my opinion, is obessed with porn. He looks at it on the internet and has 1000's of images and videos saved. I feel exactly as the young woman on Dr. Phil does. It makes me feel ugly, bad, not wanted, etc. It hurts and he doesn't stop, he says all guys do it, it's normal, blah blah blah.

I am going to leave him cause of it. I am saving up and then I am out of here. I've hurt too long. I am a pretty, smart, kind girl. I don't understand why he does this and I think it's sick, once in awhile I can tolerate but it's all the time and he saves so much of it and I hate it even more that all he seems to save is these huge fake breasted women.

Like you Emm, I went outside the relationship too. And I can say, I don't regret it, it was amazing, I felt wanted, needed, desirable and have fallen in love with this man and him with me, I will be moving in with him once I am financially secure. Ocassionally I do feel guilty but then remind myself of what he's been doing to me and how long I've put up with it. I had only ever been with my boyfriend, I lost my virginity to him. The man I am seeing now is only the second man I've been with.

I agree, it does feel good to get this out.

Wow.. I thought I was alone and being very stupid about the whole thing.

If you can get out and go with the man that makes youi feel like a woman.. GO !!!

 

Unfortunatly, I am stuck here with mine.. I'm a Canadian... I have no American ID.. nothing.. I can't get a job..without a social security number.. but when I stepped out... oh wow...  there were no movies.. no internet.. no books... no disgusting talk that I just can't handle... it was all me and him.  And it was wonderful.  I've told my husband over and over.. men get turned on by what they see.. women get turned on by what they hear... and sometimes see.. like candles... I used to be a very romantic woman.. but after years of trying with picnics in bed and such.. candles..it just became more of a chore for me and got nothing out of it.

 

I feel like I'm trapped and can't get out.

 

Thanks for sharing with me..

 

<Emm> 

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 26, 2005, 3:14 pm CDT

Careful....

Quote From: 03fenix

ok, I agree with these two women about how it makes me feel. I found that he looks at internet porn all the time-I tried just last night talking to him about it.....all he said was sorry. and that was the end of it. It really hurts my feelings!

Here is the catch, I enjoy watching videos and looking at pics WITH him....and I think that is where our trouble comes in. He doesn't understand-although, he hasn't said this. I just feel that is what he is thinking, just won't tell me. He doesn't liketo argueAT ALL, and does whatever he can toby pass it.

We currently got engaged and our wedding is to be next Sept.-however, I don't want to get married and go through this all the time. It makes me feel like crap!!

I am stuck-I don't know what to do either....I love him and like I said-we do look at this stuff together-that's why its so complicated. Any advice??

I watched a couple of movies with my husband, and like you said.. it's the downfall... cause if you watch it too, then he thinks it's okay to do it without you. I can't stand this anymore.. when he comes home from work and feels in the mood and I'm not, he actually tells me to go to bed so he can watch his videos... it's gotten way out of hand, and I'm stuck here.

If you guys are gonna watch this stuff, make it CLEAR to him that it only happens when you BOTH are there.. I fell into that trap and I can't get out. ( well.. for a few days I got out, but that didn't stop the crap at home )

 

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
frustrated
July 27, 2005, 8:20 am CDT

A Longer Version

I posted one message yesterday, and was directed here to tell my story. 

I have been married just over two years, and my husband's porn addiction didn't become apparent to me till about a year ago. At first, it was just the one video I found. But, back then, we were still having great sex. Now.. there's several more videos ( which I'll describe in a minute cause it's kinda disturbing to me what they contain )  several toys that I never knew he had and Lord knows he never used them on me.. so that to me is also a touch disturbing and a few more items as well. Now... there's no sex at all. I seem to recall a show Dr. Phil did a while back, and his words stick in my head till this day. He said that men are turned on by what they see, and women are turned on by what they hear.  And lemme tell ya... I don't think there's too many women out there who REALLY wanna hear... Come here and gimme some head.  Ya honey.. that does it for me.. let's go..  NOT.

Since his porn thing has become so huge for him and there's been no sex, sadly, I have to admit that I went outside the marriage, and for 2 days, I had really great sex that I could actually participate in.. let me explain this... Some days he will come home from work and after dinner he'll actually tell me to go to bed cause he feels 'funky' Great.. ya.. I'll go to sleep now....not.

But the videos that disturb me contain ...  mostly... men with men.  Aren't those videos for women ?  I mean really.... if men are going to watch porn, shouldn't it be women with the occasional  man ?  I mean.. the last video I found was Grandpa's Going Bi.  I just about had a heart attack. So.. do I feel guilty about having an affair ? No, I don't.  And, nor do I understand what to do about this.

I used to be a very romantic woman... rose petals on the bed... perfume on the pillows... finger food in bed.. candles... soft music.. sexy lingerie... but DAMN !!!  I find the videos and OH HELL NO....

Another problem is, when I found the first video, I watched it with him... so now, he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to watch it without me.. and he does.... alot.  I haven't had another affair, though the man I was with wants to resume it. Sometimes it's very tempting, but I'd rather try to find a solution... I'm only 38... I want a husband who wants me.. not a damn video. He used to want me, now I don't know what to do.

I should have gone to Dr. Phil.

Anyhow, sorry this was so long, but there's a few more things in this post than the last, and now that's it's ALL out.. I feel much better.  Thanks for listening, and hey... are there any suggestions out there ?

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 27, 2005, 11:11 am CDT

Talk About TV Shows...

Quote From: lilacmess

Welcome to the board. Sorry, but he sounds gay to me. My husband can't even stand to watch Queer as Folk or certain scenes in Six Feet Under because of the gay sex. No way would he ever look at gay porn. But does it really matter? Gay, bi, just severely screwed-up? Whatever he is, he isn't for you. I say stop wasting your precious life with this man. Move on and maybe call up the other guy while you're at it.

Speaking of TV shows... you brought up an interesting point.  When we had cable.. we would see previews for Queer Eye and so on, and my husband would start a verbal attack on those people... saying he couldn't STAND crap like that, that they were wierd, demented.. on and on..  yet, I got the videos to prove otherwise. And, he can't even say that he bought them for me, cause I only found out about them about 2.5 weeks ago. So, if it's not okay on TV... why the videos ?  I soooo don't get this.

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 27, 2005, 12:12 pm CDT

Time to get something STRAIGHT LOL

Quote From: lilacmess

Homophobia and repressed homosexuality go hand in hand. I think your husband would be a much happier person if he accepted himself as homosexual. I think you would be a much happier person if you set him free to do this, remained friends with him, and found yourself a nice, straight man. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but any urge repressed turns into a sickness. This is what you're seeing in your husband. Keep in mind, however, I'm not a therapist. I'm just responding to what you've written and what it looks like on the surface. Only you can make the final judgment about what to do.

Well then... I guess I should take Sandman's advice too, and sit his ass down and find out the real story. Just makes me furious that I didn't see this 3.5 years ago... would have saved me a whole s***load of grief.

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
frustrated
July 27, 2005, 2:14 pm CDT

How to start

Quote From: lilacmess

Yes, definitely lay it all on the line and get him to open up. I hope he can be honest with you. You are going to have to do everything in your power to create a supportive and receptive atmosphere so he'l feel comfortable telling the truth. And you really need to hear it from him, not from us. We can only tell you what it looks like. We can't tell you how it really is with him. You owe it to yourself to get the truth from his mouth. Good luck.

I'm not sure how to start this kind of a conversation, because he seems to be opposed to those kinds of conversations. When I first found the Granpa's Gone Bi video, and almost falling over... I did confront him when he got home. He actually DENIED buying it, told me I was full of it.. then I went and got it. Showed it to him and asked him if he didn't buy it, then just where the hell did it come from ? It's been a touch on the tense side in the household since then. Not sure how to go about it now.

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
angry
July 29, 2005, 7:44 am CDT

Letter

Quote From: lilacmess

Start with a letter. Take plenty of time with it. Say all the things you need to say exactly the way you need to say them. Don't be accusatory. Don't be homophobic. He'll only admit to you what you make him feel comfortable admitting. Take the focus off of what he's done to you and focus instead of what he's doing to himself. You do love him, right? And you want him to be happy? Start with that. If you feel ready to suggest divorce, or some equivalent, do so but make sure he knows that it doesn't mean he loses every part of his relationship with you. He can still be your friend, right? Give him some time to read it and digest it before you initiate a face-to-face conversation. If he reacts with anger and defensiveness, then I think you have to leave him alone with that. You don't deserve to be treated that way. If he reacts with honesty and sincerity, then you should finally get the closure you need to move on this. Hope this helps.

I wrote the letter, it was 2.5 pages... he took it with him when he went out to get beer... go figure... when he got back, he didn't say two words.  Walked in, went to the kitchen, put the beer in, came back to the living room, sat down, cracked a beer, and looked at me like I had been sniffing glue all day. He actually wanted to know where I got this info from, I mean about the videos and such. He said he had NO idea what I was talking about. I kept my cool.. didn't bring out the videos this time... I just sat at the table with my head resting in my hands thinking.. OMG... what the hell am I gonna do now ??

He DENIED having any such stuff in the house, and wanted to know JUST what I was up to, and what was I implying ?

THE VIDEOS ARE IN THE BOTTOM CABINET OF OUR ENTERTAINMENT CENTER !!!!!!!!

????????????????

Lord...

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 29, 2005, 7:52 am CDT

Been there, done that

Quote From: kimikomine

Hello. I hear your reasonings for wanting to "snag" him. But what will you do when/if you find out he has been looking at porn again? Are you going to throw it in his face and remind him how miserable you feel, how degrading it is, how humiliating, how disrespectful it is to you? The first line of defense is a good offense. He will justify it and he might even blame you for making him look at it because you are such a nag, closed minded, and even possibly jealous!  I speak from experience this is why I present it this way. When I first got married my husband did not hide his desires for porn use.He flipped it on almost immediately from the beginning. I gave it a few shots and realized that at that time, I was not into porn watching with him during lovemaking. It took away the intimacy and excitement of being with one another. I told him how I preferred we not watch it during lovemaking. Maybe women are more geared to protect and preserve and our irritation with their needs of it are not in our mindset. Either way, I told him nicely that I don't want porn during lovemaking. Suddenly lovemaking was minimized and his porn use seemed to go out of control. Every nite I lie in bed while he looked at porn. At first, I thought, "eh....he's just flipping through, but then he would not come to bed and turned down the sound. My disinterest in porn gave him reason to punish me. Why? Because he wasn't getting his way. Be careful how you approach this very delicate issue because how you go about it will determine how much damage will occur in the near future with him. He will turn you into this monster that will make you feel guilty for not giving him his way....kind of like a child when you deny them access to the car or something! Approach it as maturly as possible because you are going to be the one hurt by all of this and he will just look at you like you are a lunatic by asking him to stop doing this. Good luck. Kimi

In the beginning sex with my husband was great. Then the Porn Monster reared its ugly head.  I've been dealing with this for a while now.

Recently my husband has told me to 'just go to bed'

He flips through the porn(with the remote) and also turns the sound down.

I get up in the morning, and the remote is nasty from all the oils and such... makes me sick.... now, he's trying to deny any use of porn materials....

Yes.. be very careful how you deal with this...

I feel like I'm living someone else's nightmare...stuff like this always happens to someone else, ya knnow ?  But funny thing... it's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it.

<Emm>

 
User Mood
Stressed

Message Emote
blank
July 29, 2005, 1:26 pm CDT

Facts

Quote From: lilacmess

I'm at a loss, seriously. Does he just not get that buying videos of men having sex with each other is a huge reg flag? So did you ever mention the videos? How in the world does he explain those away? Straight men do not watch gay porn except perhaps by accident or to laugh at it and be disgusted, much the same way we all watch shows like Fear Factor. He has been buying gay porn! I'm dumbfounded, emm, I gotta tell you. He denies you sex, right? That alone is reason enough, I think, to consider leaving him. No one deserves to be forced into celibacy.

The facts are these :

There are gay porn videos in the house(I didn't mention them after he read the letter, cause I put it in the letter)

He bought them

Now, he dinies buying them

Thinks I'm crazy(tells me he doesn't KNOW where they came from... BULLS***)

I haven't had sex since my 2 day affair(which was beginning of JUNE)

He tells me to 'just go to bed' while he stays in the living room and turns the sound down

The letter I wrote wasn't derogatory(sp?) in any way, shape or form, cause you said it should be a letter non-condemning, so to speak

I suggested counselling and he just about had a stroke, saying I WAS THE ONE WHO NEEDED THERAPY !!!!

I thought that maybe some therapy would help, cause I love him and don't want to go anywhere, but I can't live like this anymore.. I'm 38... I have lots of living to do.. and loving.. but if I keep getting shut down, I may never want to open up again, and that scares the hell outta me.

<Emm>

 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | 2 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board