Messages By: emmdavis

This is very difficult to type out, because I've never spoken of it. Kiza, please don't get married yet.

I've been married to my husband for just over 2 years, and his porn thing didn't become apparent to me till about a year ago..   it was just one movie.. now it's several, a rubber dick that I didn't know he had ( i take it that it wasn't for me... )  and sorry for being so graphic, there's also oils and things that I also didn't know about.

I was even thinking of going to Dr.Phil, but my husband would freak out. He's 10 years older than me, and we used to have great sex.. now, I can't remember the last time we actually made love.. for him, I guess it's his porn.. for me.. well.. sadly, I went outside the marriage .. had a great few days of sex that I actually got to participate in.. then came home. Do I feel guilty ? I probably should, but I don't.

Kiza, my husband is 48.. he says the same thing your fiance does.. it's normal.. it'a a guy thing.. he'll stop if you want him to. That's such crap. Please don't put yourself in that situation. I can't measure up to those porn women .. not for all the tea in China.. but I am pretty, and I'm only 38.

Like I said.. I should have gone to Dr. Phil.. I should have taped today's show to show my husband what Dr.Phil said. I tried to tell my husband the very same things Dr.Phil said, but I repeatedly get no where rapidly.

I hope Dr.Phil can help your fiance..  I wish he could help my husband.

Sorry this blubbering took so long, but it actually feels really good to get it out.

Thanks.

Wow.. I thought I was alone and being very stupid about the whole thing.

If you can get out and go with the man that makes youi feel like a woman.. GO !!!

Unfortunatly, I am stuck here with mine.. I'm a Canadian... I have no American ID.. nothing.. I can't get a job..without a social security number.. but when I stepped out... oh wow...  there were no movies.. no internet.. no books... no disgusting talk that I just can't handle... it was all me and him.  And it was wonderful.  I've told my husband over and over.. men get turned on by what they see.. women get turned on by what they hear... and sometimes see.. like candles... I used to be a very romantic woman.. but after years of trying with picnics in bed and such.. candles..it just became more of a chore for me and got nothing out of it.

I feel like I'm trapped and can't get out.

Thanks for sharing with me..

<Emm> 

I watched a couple of movies with my husband, and like you said.. it's the downfall... cause if you watch it too, then he thinks it's okay to do it without you. I can't stand this anymore.. when he comes home from work and feels in the mood and I'm not, he actually tells me to go to bed so he can watch his videos... it's gotten way out of hand, and I'm stuck here.

If you guys are gonna watch this stuff, make it CLEAR to him that it only happens when you BOTH are there.. I fell into that trap and I can't get out. ( well.. for a few days I got out, but that didn't stop the crap at home )

<Emm>

I posted one message yesterday, and was directed here to tell my story. 

I have been married just over two years, and my husband's porn addiction didn't become apparent to me till about a year ago. At first, it was just the one video I found. But, back then, we were still having great sex. Now.. there's several more videos ( which I'll describe in a minute cause it's kinda disturbing to me what they contain )  several toys that I never knew he had and Lord knows he never used them on me.. so that to me is also a touch disturbing and a few more items as well. Now... there's no sex at all. I seem to recall a show Dr. Phil did a while back, and his words stick in my head till this day. He said that men are turned on by what they see, and women are turned on by what they hear.  And lemme tell ya... I don't think there's too many women out there who REALLY wanna hear... Come here and gimme some head.  Ya honey.. that does it for me.. let's go..  NOT.

Since his porn thing has become so huge for him and there's been no sex, sadly, I have to admit that I went outside the marriage, and for 2 days, I had really great sex that I could actually participate in.. let me explain this... Some days he will come home from work and after dinner he'll actually tell me to go to bed cause he feels 'funky' Great.. ya.. I'll go to sleep now....not.

But the videos that disturb me contain ...  mostly... men with men.  Aren't those videos for women ?  I mean really.... if men are going to watch porn, shouldn't it be women with the occasional  man ?  I mean.. the last video I found was Grandpa's Going Bi.  I just about had a heart attack. So.. do I feel guilty about having an affair ? No, I don't.  And, nor do I understand what to do about this.

I used to be a very romantic woman... rose petals on the bed... perfume on the pillows... finger food in bed.. candles... soft music.. sexy lingerie... but DAMN !!!  I find the videos and OH HELL NO....

Another problem is, when I found the first video, I watched it with him... so now, he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to watch it without me.. and he does.... alot.  I haven't had another affair, though the man I was with wants to resume it. Sometimes it's very tempting, but I'd rather try to find a solution... I'm only 38... I want a husband who wants me.. not a damn video. He used to want me, now I don't know what to do.

I should have gone to Dr. Phil.

Anyhow, sorry this was so long, but there's a few more things in this post than the last, and now that's it's ALL out.. I feel much better.  Thanks for listening, and hey... are there any suggestions out there ?

<Emm>

Speaking of TV shows... you brought up an interesting point.  When we had cable.. we would see previews for Queer Eye and so on, and my husband would start a verbal attack on those people... saying he couldn't STAND crap like that, that they were wierd, demented.. on and on..  yet, I got the videos to prove otherwise. And, he can't even say that he bought them for me, cause I only found out about them about 2.5 weeks ago. So, if it's not okay on TV... why the videos ?  I soooo don't get this.

<Emm>

Well then... I guess I should take Sandman's advice too, and sit his ass down and find out the real story. Just makes me furious that I didn't see this 3.5 years ago... would have saved me a whole s***load of grief.

I'm not sure how to start this kind of a conversation, because he seems to be opposed to those kinds of conversations. When I first found the Granpa's Gone Bi video, and almost falling over... I did confront him when he got home. He actually DENIED buying it, told me I was full of it.. then I went and got it. Showed it to him and asked him if he didn't buy it, then just where the hell did it come from ? It's been a touch on the tense side in the household since then. Not sure how to go about it now.

<Emm>

I wrote the letter, it was 2.5 pages... he took it with him when he went out to get beer... go figure... when he got back, he didn't say two words.  Walked in, went to the kitchen, put the beer in, came back to the living room, sat down, cracked a beer, and looked at me like I had been sniffing glue all day. He actually wanted to know where I got this info from, I mean about the videos and such. He said he had NO idea what I was talking about. I kept my cool.. didn't bring out the videos this time... I just sat at the table with my head resting in my hands thinking.. OMG... what the hell am I gonna do now ??

He DENIED having any such stuff in the house, and wanted to know JUST what I was up to, and what was I implying ?

THE VIDEOS ARE IN THE BOTTOM CABINET OF OUR ENTERTAINMENT CENTER !!!!!!!!

????????????????

Lord...

<Emm>

In the beginning sex with my husband was great. Then the Porn Monster reared its ugly head.  I've been dealing with this for a while now.

Recently my husband has told me to 'just go to bed'

He flips through the porn(with the remote) and also turns the sound down.

I get up in the morning, and the remote is nasty from all the oils and such... makes me sick.... now, he's trying to deny any use of porn materials....

Yes.. be very careful how you deal with this...

I feel like I'm living someone else's nightmare...stuff like this always happens to someone else, ya knnow ?  But funny thing... it's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it.

<Emm>

The facts are these :

There are gay porn videos in the house(I didn't mention them after he read the letter, cause I put it in the letter)

He bought them

Now, he dinies buying them

Thinks I'm crazy(tells me he doesn't KNOW where they came from... BULLS***)

I haven't had sex since my 2 day affair(which was beginning of JUNE)

He tells me to 'just go to bed' while he stays in the living room and turns the sound down

The letter I wrote wasn't derogatory(sp?) in any way, shape or form, cause you said it should be a letter non-condemning, so to speak

I suggested counselling and he just about had a stroke, saying I WAS THE ONE WHO NEEDED THERAPY !!!!

I thought that maybe some therapy would help, cause I love him and don't want to go anywhere, but I can't live like this anymore.. I'm 38... I have lots of living to do.. and loving.. but if I keep getting shut down, I may never want to open up again, and that scares the hell outta me.

<Emm>