Messages By: sputnik56

You are so right about suicide death being different.  My daughter suicided in 1992 & I grieve her death every day.  Sometimes I think it gets a little easier, then out of left field I get slapped with some little something that brings it all back again.  A constant shadow on any happiness within the family, a continuing fear for the children now growing up.  My daughter was 15, and now so is my niece.   The fear of the younger kids knowing what my daughter did & that knowledge planting a seed in their minds is something my sisters & I live with every day.  

Suicide seems such a selfish act, no matter how many pages are written to explain it, there really is no explanation.  We, in our sane minds, can't possibly understand the pain that lead the person to end their life because at that moment, they weren't sane.   

There are many people on this board dealing with much the same thing as you & I.  Stories are a little different, but the pain remains.  I pray God will bless you & send you His peace.   

Denise 

But none the less, the grief is very different for those of us left behind.  I've miscarried twice, buried both parents, 4 g.parents, 1 b-i-l & 1 s-i-l, and the grief is different.  Those that leave us because they have no choice do not leave behind the feeling of betrayal that a suicide leaves, nor the guilt that accompanies it.  What I know in my mind about the illness that causes suicide does not always comfort my heart nor negate feelings of guilt.  Of course your opinion is your opinion, but until you've been in my shoes you can't possibly know how they fit.   While I am not wearing your shoes either, from my point of view your grandson David still has hope...where there is life there is hope for change and/or improvement.  I believe God has given peace to your grandson even as He gives peace to the soul of a child.  Mentally David will always be a child of sorts & God has a special place in His heart for children.   I prayed for my daughter to come home from the hospital in whatever shape I could have her, God said no.  He knows best & we have to accept that, for David & for Heather.  I also firmly believe that when a person decides to suicide, they will do what it takes.  My daughter left a note stating that it had to be fast & irreversible, so she used a gun.  I am not saying we should ignore the attempts of others that aren't so determined, just that when a mind is truly made up to leave this world, they will find a way.  My sister made an attempt the Sunday following this past Easter, thankfully she wasn't as serious as my daughter.  She called a friend who got police & rescue to her in time & is now in therapy & on medication.  Thank God she made that phone call...when the police showed up she was still conscious & handed them her handgun so she wouldn't use it if she felt that way again.    

I don't mean to sound argumentative, just voicing a different point of view.   

I love that you call yourself Nana...that's what my eldest sisters g.son calls her & it's so cute!    

I will remember NanaMG, David & your family in my prayers.  God bless you. 

Denise 

I am so sorry about your boyfriends death.  I am also a bit confused & angry.  My husband is 48 & has WPW.  His first episode of rapid heart rate was when he was 6 wks old.  He was diagnosed in 1982, medication held him until 1992 when he had a surgical procedure to correct the problem.  The procedure corrected the problem until 2001 when scar tissue grew up around the ablated areas.  He was then given a pacemaker & lives a normal life.  He has had quadruple bypass in Nov. 2005, but one has nothing to do with the other.  Why didn't some doctor know what was wrong with your boyfriend?  It was an internal medicine dr. that diagnosed Tom, just a plain & simple general practitioner.  He referred him to a cardiologist immediately.   Toms case was so severe it's been written up in the Journal of American Medicine.  I guess what I'm trying to say, is that your lose is not only tragic, but IMO totally unnecessary.  Unless this was your boyfriends first episode someone should have diagnosed him way before.   You really should check into his medical background yourself & see why this was missed, if indeed that is the case.  Your checking may save someone else the pain you are in.  My prayers are with you.

Denise

The reason they have to put his daughters heart under stress is that WPW can't be diagnosed unless the patient is going through an episode at the time of the check.  We spent years running to ER trying to get hubby diagnosed but his heart would always convert to natural rhythm on the way in.  One night it didn't convert & his problem was found.  An upset stomach isn't any sign of WPW.  Hubbys pulse would go over 200 & you could see his entire body shaking with each heartbeat.  Eventually his heart would thump really hard, stop for a few seconds & then return to normal rhythm.  Scary!  The one time it lasted long enough to get to the hospital, it was beating so fast it actually stopped beating & started to quiver.  Cardiovert didn't change it that time either.  He was being transferred by ambulance to a better equipped hospital & it just converted on it's on.  If it is so difficult for the "experts" to diagnose, there is no possible way you could have known anything was wrong.  There are such varying degrees of WPW, I guess we are lucky Tom's was severe enough to be diagnosed. 

I hope this helps a little with the guilt.  There is little anyone can do for your grief except listen & support & I'll do that all I can.  My email address is in my profile if you prefer to communicate that way.  God bless you!!

Denise

I am so sorry that you lost your precious Destiney.  We lost our daughter Oct. 8th, 1992 and both myself & my husband still have crying times.  You say you are going to grief counseling, is this a group of grieving parents?  I found it most beneficial to be with grieving parents because it is such a different grief when we bury our children.  My first thought was that no one could ever survive the pain I was in, then I met other parents that actually had survived & that gave me some hope.  It's been said that we never "get over the death of our child, simply live through it".  I'm sure you've heard it all, about how she is with Jesus now and while that is a comfort, it still can't remove the pain of missing her.  Don't expect too much of yourself too soon, this will take a long time but you will eventually find a "new normal" in your life.  A little different for us in that we had only one child without others to lavish our love on.  I won't tell you the pain will ever go away, but I will tell you that you can learn to live with it, to cherish every moment you have with other loved ones in your life.  I'm not sure what you base your guilt over her death on, but I do know that guilt is the most detrimental of all emotions, and usually the least accurate.  We can second guess ourselves forever, but we can't change what has happened.  Please try to overcome that guilt before it overcomes you.  Remember grief has certain steps, but no two people ever experience them the same way nor at the same time.  Your grief is just that, YOURS.  Let no one hurry you along nor tell you how you should be feeling.  My email address is teenangel@otelco.net if you wish to contact me there, just put something in the subject line so I'll know you aren't a virus. (LOL)   I'll check back here for you later, but I am also available just to listen on my email if you'd prefer.  God bless & comfort you & your family.

Denise

Does anyone here have experience/knowledge of the "normal" routine for a cremation.  My aunt went home to Jesus Wednesday morning and at her wish, she was cremated.  At the age of 58 she had spent her last years in one nursing home after another & was on Medicaid, meaning she had no home here on earth.  Here in the south the traditions following a death in the family are so well established, with a traditional burial anyway.  Aunt Karen was cremated, her daughters wanted that to be the end of everything but my other aunts are planning a graveside memorial with the burial of her ashes, but not until Saturday, 8-25.  Perhaps I should mention that her daughters were absent most of the time during her sickness & useless when they were around.  Now all they can talk about it is $$$, which if there had been any Medicaid wouldn't have been paying her bills.   We've been told to wait until the memorial to order flowers, but where do the go?  To the cemetery I suppose.  If anyone knows anything about this type thing I'd appreciate any help & guidance I can get.  As usual in the loss of a loved one, we need your prayers as well.  Thanks.

Denise

Sound dumb/? Here's an even dumber one.  I went through a time of "I don't WANT to HEAL ! this pain is all I have left of him."-that was a rough one. 

I don't believe we've ever spoken to each other before but the statement you made, pasted above, really hit home.  It's been 13 yr & 11 months since our Heather died and I believe you may have just nailed my problem right on the head.  I thought for a while it was guilt, guilt that I could ever have fun or joy with her gone, but now I wonder if maybe you aren't right about that statement.  Can you tell me some of the thought patterns that helped you through this stage?  I hadn't even recognized it as a stage of grief so I surely don't know what to do with it now that I do.  I've not posted in a while, felt like I'm in a rut.  Thank you for your simple post that has so much meaning.

Denise

I'm starting to remember the good times with Heather more & more, but can't seem to control my dreams that are horrible.  Working on what I read at bedtime, what I allow myself to think about, but that doesn't always work.  Telling myself I have 15 yrs of good memories & I need to look at those!  Heather was such a blessing I don't like for that to be wiped out by bad memories.

BTW:  I see the site has changed somewhat...does everybody have a black screen to print on or is it just me?  If it's just me & ANYONE knows how to change it, let me know.

Denise