Quote From: kat99cpI have been married 2-1/2 years. I am currently having communication problems with my Husband. I have suggested counseling and I have even gone to counseling by myself at which I quit going when the counselor told me that he could only help me and not both of us since my husband wouldnt go. The problem is every time I ask if we can talk, he shuts down and stops talking altogether. I have tried many things and one was yelling, and I have even hit him, which Im not proud of and have stopped myself from hitting again.
I read a book about a situation called withdrawal and avoidance: Hide and Seek. Basically he shuts down sometimes for days or weeks and I keep pursuing, because I want the issue resolved. After I quit pursuing after him to fix the problem things go back to normal for him, like nothing happened, but my feelings are being bottled up and every time I want to talk to him he tells me no. I even ask when hes going to talk to me and he tells me he doesnt know. I feel like Im going to explode (yelling) and thats basically what I do when he shuts down. I dont know how to control my emotions. I have never been this bad before, mainly because other people talk and resolve issues with me. I dont know where I went wrong, its like he chooses when communication will happen in our relationship.
Everyone I talk to hasnt come across this situation before; Im beginning to think Im the only one experiencing this.
I tried to get him to read the book with me and he told me you cant learn anything from a book.
He refuses to go to counseling and he refuses to have a sit down conversation with me about our relationship. I have written him letters that he says he didnt read. Im at a crossroads and I dont know what to do. I want to be able to communicate how I fill to him with out him shutting down.
Our most current argument was because he always tells me to pet the dogs and for some reason I dont like him telling me to pet the dogs and I tried to set down with him to tell him to stop asking me to pet the dogs and that I would pet them when I wanted to pet them. Im not for sure what happened but he shut down before we could even resolve or discuss anything. After he shut down my emotions got the better of me and I did yell at him, but now we are on our second day of not talking. I asked if we could talk tonight and he told me no. So I left him alone. Basically I fell like I got to forget about what happened and never mention the issue again so we can get back to our normal lives, but that hasnt helped in the past, because the old issues get brought back up again in the next argument.
The main issue is the fact that he wont talk, that is what upsets me every time I want to have a conversation with him. He avoids and withdrawals from his own wife.
Any fan of Dr. Phil should know that men and women don't speak the same language. When you tell your husband that "you want to talk" what he is probably hearing is "I want to criticize you" which in reality is exactly what you want to do, though you mean no harm. Even though all you want to do is make your relationship better, he is seeing it as you putting him down. He may be overly sensitive. My parents were very critical of me, and I do the same thing. When a woman wants to "talk", I think I am about to be attacked so I shut down. It has taken me many years to learn that talking is just communication and not to be feared. I can't tell you how to talk to him, but if he is like I am, maybe this information will help you break through his walls.
