Message Boards

Messages By: mdearest

User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
blank
July 25, 2005, 6:22 am CDT

Heading for divorce

I recently discovered that my husband of almost 11 years, has a girlfriend. I think he wanted me to find out as he used his cell phone to call her 55 times and he knew that I would see the bill. I guess I have known that this day was coming for the past few years, we don't communicate well and neither of us is very happy with our sex life. Still that doesn't make it any easier to deal with especially since he still sleeps at our house and comes and goes with his new life as he pleases. For years I haven't been allowed to have friends, so at this point I have no one to talk to and so many things to say. I really want to try to end our marriage nicely and hopefully be friends in the future as we have a 10 year old daughter and I don't want her to suffer because of her father and I. I of course have all the usual worries, like, will my daugther like being with him and his girlfriend more because they will have money and go and do things, where as I won't have much money at all. Then I have the, I'm almost forty, will I spend the rest of my life alone worries, the how will I survive worries and at least a thousand other worries from health insurance to how to change a flat tire. What I really need are people who have or are currently facing the same issues to talk to, which is what I am hoping to find here. Please if you need a friend, like I do ... write and I will write back.

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
hopeful
July 25, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

Someone like me!

Quote From: candacegil

Wow--you just gave me chills! My life is almost parallel to yours right now. Just had our 11th anniversary this weekend. My husband has just moved out and although he says he's trying to work on our marriage--I just got our cell phone bill and he's talking to this woman from work--almost every night. I wonder as you do--does he want me to find out and get angry, each time I mention that obviously our marriage is over he gets angry with me and says that he's not ready to say that. He's kept me from having friends too, so my life has been all about him for the past 15 years--now I don't know what to do without him. I believe he has depression problems, but he would never admit to that. I'm not sure which way to go--should I keep spending time with him on his terms and hope that he figures out that he wants our marriage or should I get angry and tell him to leave me alone until he figures this out. I haven't told him that I know about the cell calls, I feel that if I do I then take away the one thing that gives me insite as to what he's doing. What confuses me most is he will talk to her either right before or right after he talks to me. He had told me once they were just friends from work, but with everything going on and him moving out, this "friendship" sure isn't helping us. I would love to communicate more---how do we get in touch??

 

You can contact me on my yahoo account at Trickster139@yahoo.com and we can independantly email back and forth chatting about our issues as we do have similar things happening!

 

 

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
blank
July 27, 2005, 11:41 am CDT

I can't imagine

Quote From: dfielder

4 years ago, after 24 years of marriage, my wife told me she was not in love with me anymore. no abuse by either party, no infidelity(for sure on my side), my crime was i took her for granted. for the last 4 years i have tried everything i can think of to fix our marriage, to no avail. my problem is that i don't know how to leave. we have been together now for 31 years. i don't know how she will survive financially. our two daughters are 20 & 25 and they are both surprised that i have not left before now. i just don't know how to leave without alot of guilt/concern  about her survival, and my own future.

any help would be appreciated

 

I'm half crazy that I won't survive without mine and we've been married just under 11 years, I can't imagine not being in someones life after 24 years of marriage. If she doesn't want you there then, I guess you are only hurting yourself by staying. Have you asked her how she hopes to survive? If she wants to go then you stay and let her go when she is ready to go.

I still can't imagine your pain, like I said, I'm only at 11 years and I have grown used to him being there if I need him, now he has someone else and though I don't think he and I belong married anymore ( no communication and things that just can't be forgiven ) it is still hard to let go of something that you've been around for that many years.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide, I will say a prayer for you.

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
blank
July 29, 2005, 7:06 am CDT

Thanks for the reply

Quote From: realgood2u

 

YES, he wanted you to find out because he wants you to be the bad guy that ends things.  And no, nothing makes this easy.

 

You can do lots of talking on this site.  It really helps.  Some folks will communicate on the side also if you are ok with that.

 

Great legal counsel will help you with your worries.  Don't be NICE because you still want him to like you.  He blew that.  You have to protect yourself and daughter.  AAA will take care of that tire.  Worth every penny in my book.  He can pay for that too.

I'm not going to be the bad guy and end things, he has the girlfriend, he can pay for the divorce to be with her. I just want enough money to survive and be able to do things with my daughter.

I found out yesterday that my oldest daughter has already met his new girl, that kinda chaps my butt, I must admit. But what really truely bothers me is that he goes out in the town where all of us live, he is married to me and going all over town with her, I find the very offensive and just plain RUDE! I wrote a letter to my family and had them all set down and read it yesterday. It explained my feelings and invited them (husand and 2 oldest daughters) to ask any questions they wanted while we all sat there and could hear the answers together. My 19 yr old asked him how would it be if I was the one with a boyfriend and he said, "no different than it is now." He lies so bad, if it were me with the boyfriend, I know that he would sit in the carport with a gun, wait for us to come home one night and kill us both. My 19 yr old also told him that she never wants to meet her because she doesn't consider her anything except a home wrecker.

Where do I get the money to go and see a lawyer? Hell just paying my credit card bills and buying some groceries to feed us takes all I have. I am trying to figure this all out!

Thanks for replying.

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
blank
August 26, 2005, 11:35 am CDT

Feeling Stronger

Since my last posting I have shed some tears and had another dose of the man I married and grew to dislike and have finally decided that divorce is really the best thing for us even though it saddens my heart. A couple of days last week he came home drunk, guess things with his girlfriend aren't so good anymore, and verbally attacked me as soon as he walked in the door. He told our middle daughter all kinds of lies and I spent the next morning showing her the facts about his lies. I hate it when he lies about me, it really angers me and I want to hit him so I walk away very quickly. I have read back in my journals and for years the same type of stuff has been happening and finally I am sick to death of it. I am still not angry, as I will always love part of him and wish him the best, but we don't belong together. I am hopeful that I will find someone to love me someday, but for now I must focus on keeping my head above water and taking care of my 10 year old daughter. I don't get online much as my home computer is messed up and I don't really want to repair it until I know it is mine, sounds selfish I admit, but money is hard to come by here recently. I am still trying to get the money together to hire a lawyer, but haven't gotten it together yet. I don't understand why it costs so much money just to protect yourself from someone who wants to do you harm. I did go to an abuse group this past week and learned that my problems are small compared to others. I would rather go to a divorce group, but can't find any close by my home.     

I am still taking things one day at a time, but it is getting somewhat easier and my mind is becoming clearer, but I really long for the day when it is over and done.    

    

Mdearest    

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
confused
September 2, 2005, 7:31 am CDT

Needing an opionion!

  

I am in the process of a divorce, but am horny to be quite honest. I don't like just sleeping around and my stbx husband had indicated that he is also horny but is not wanting to sleep with his current lady friend until we are officially divorced ... should we sleep together? If we both go into it knowing that it won't change the overall situation, then we are just two consenting adults with a history, right?  

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
blank
September 7, 2005, 1:14 pm CDT

I would have, but I didn't

    

I didn't sleep with him, but I did let him get to my heart again. I swear, I am so stupid. My birthday was yesterday, well my stbx (soon to be ex) came home Monday evening really drunk and I helped him to bed. During the help that night and all morning yesterday he was so sweet. I want us to try to work it out, I will go to counseling if thats what you want, I believe that we can make it. So it is my birthday now, I call and set up the appointment with a counselor for next week. My husband calls me at work to see what it is exactly that I would like for dinner, so we decide that. The day goes on, I'm 40, I'm happy, it's my birthday. He comes home from work, still happy and begins to cook. Well our 10 year old is home and talking to him, then our 19 year old who lives with us comes home with her boyfriend and their new baby ... something happens, don't ask me what. I go into the kitchen when dinner is almost ready and my husband calls my 19 yr old in to see if she will finish the chicken as he has to go. I'm confused, I ask, "where are you going?" He has made a plate for his girlfriend, of my birthday dinner, and is going to take it to her at work, but will be back in about an hour or so. My heart sank to the floor and slithered off under the refrigerator never to be seen again. I felt so stupid and embarrassed for believing his lies all day. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, but every part of my heart tells me that I should try to save my marriage. The vows do say for better or for worse.  

I wish I had the money because if I did, I would see a therapist weekly if not more and file for divorce tomorrow. I can't go on like this, he is slowly and painfully killing my heart and he doesn't even give a crap.     

Oh god, please let me win the lottery tonight ... I will gladly give him half the money just to get him out of my life once and for all and get on with living for myself and my kids.  

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
sad
September 7, 2005, 1:16 pm CDT

My husband ihurts me so bad

I didn't sleep with him, but I did let him get to my heart again. I swear, I am so stupid. My birthday was yesterday, well my stbx (soon to be ex) came home Monday evening really drunk and I helped him to bed. During the help that night and all morning yesterday he was so sweet. I want us to try to work it out, I will go to counseling if thats what you want, I believe that we can make it. So it is my birthday now, I call and set up the appointment with a counselor for next week. My husband calls me at work to see what it is exactly that I would like for dinner, so we decide that. The day goes on, I'm 40, I'm happy, it's my birthday. He comes home from work, still happy and begins to cook. Well our 10 year old is home and talking to him, then our 19 year old who lives with us comes home with her boyfriend and their new baby ... something happens, don't ask me what. I go into the kitchen when dinner is almost ready and my husband calls my 19 yr old in to see if she will finish the chicken as he has to go. I'm confused, I ask, "where are you going?" He has made a plate for his girlfriend, of my birthday dinner, and is going to take it to her at work, but will be back in about an hour or so. My heart sank to the floor and slithered off under the refrigerator never to be seen again. I felt so stupid and embarrassed for believing his lies all day. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, but every part of my heart tells me that I should try to save my marriage. The vows do say for better or for worse.     

I wish I had the money because if I did, I would see a therapist weekly if not more and file for divorce tomorrow. I can't go on like this, he is slowly and painfully killing my heart and he doesn't even give a crap.        

Oh god, please let me win the lottery tonight ... I will gladly give him half the money just to get him out of my life once and for all and get on with living for myself and my kids.     

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
angry
September 8, 2005, 5:32 am CDT

I know you are right!

Quote From: redneon

The game playing isn't over for him, and he knows that your heart is still there for the taking. Why did he come to you when he was"really drunk" and not to his GF? Maybe because he knows that she won't put up with that kind of behaviour and you will? 

  

I know that you believe in "for better...or worse" but it takes two to make a marriage. Its work, hard work sometimes, it doesn't seem that his is willing to put the work into it, but he likes to keep you dangling...that is abusive for you to endure. 

  

Its hard to walk away from history, the history you have together..but making a plate up and delivering it to his "girlfriend" makes it plain that his heart is with her not you. I've been divorced three times, I believe in marriage,,I just make terrible choices about who to share my life with. I know the pain your feeling, sometimes you need life to hit you up the side of the head before it sinks in that he is moving on and your stuck in "wishing it would work". 

  

Wishing won't make it so... 

  

Please try to move on, disassociate from the emotional side with him as much as you can, until you get thru the stages of seperation and divorce and all the emotions that go with it, you will forever be stuck in the past and wasting time that you could be sharing with someone who will love you the way that you deserve! Good luck Red 

  

I hear you and you are right! I need to get him out of the house, I can't stand to watch him come and go as he pleases in our lives. I am beginning to believe that he stays just to torture me and make me feel even lower than I already do. Maybe his plan is to drive me crazy and take our daughter, well it won't work. I am going to get through this and I am going to continue to believe in love and fairy tales, but know in my heart that he isn't meant to be my prince charming. I guess the counseling will be a good thing and I intend to use it to it's fullest extent to better mine and my daughters lives.   

I am like you, can't find the right person, but have only been married twice. I must say that I am in no hurry to do it again. Thanks for replying, a friendly note goes a long way in a lonesome life.  

   

xxoo  

Mdearest  

 
User Mood
Depressed

Message Emote
frustrated
September 14, 2005, 5:23 am CDT

Whats a wife to do?

Quote From: redneon

Oh good gosh, he is still living with you? Can I ask why?

   

 

 

  

 

   

 

 

  

Last time I got a divorce, the first thing I did was kick his sorry butt to the curb…LOL

   

 

 

  

 

   

 

 

  

Under the same roof seems a bit masochistic. Man oh Man does he ever have it made!  

  

Hey girlfriend,,, I have some spare backbone, want to borrow some?Red

   

 

 

  

   

I wish I could kick his ass out, but I can't. He owns half the house and I can't make him leave. I have asked a couple different lawyers and they say as long as he owns half the house he has every right to be in it.  

Last week I set up the marriage counseling appointment that is today, but I don't think he will show up and I really at this point don't care if he does. I figure if I can't save my marriage then I can at least save my sanity. I am working on trying to save money up for the divorce, but it is hard when I must pay for more than I did before due to not receiving any money from him for groceries and such.   

He is a very odd man, he goes in and out with his gal pal and I even got the word that people I work with are now seeing him with her in public places (walmart) and then calls me this morning to see if I have seen the sunrise and thanks me for taking the time to talk to him on the phone! I won't let him get to me again, my backbone is starting to straighten and I will hold my head high and walk proud again and he won't be by my side when I do.  

   

Wish me luck!  

Mdearest  

 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board