Messages By: shrimpety

So if those were my kids, niece, nephew, friend's kids or a neighbors kids, they would never ever be alone with that woman again! She obviously does these things when there isn't anyone around her that will defend them, including dad. The moment he knew their safety was in jeopardy he should have packed those precious babies and been out of that house. Mom has no respect for the dad, nor does she have any respect for herself or her kids.  

The whole situation is very sad and probably happens to more kids than we know about. Thank God Dr. Phil has given them a voice.  

I have yet to see the show yet, however as I read through Amanda's story I thought that her husband should be horribly offended that she would take off her wedding ring out of shame. No wonder you all have issues in your marriage. Her mom is what she is, controling, manipulative and from what it sounds like down right mean. That does not mean that Amanda has the right to let her mother interfere in the marriage.  

If my husband were to take of his ring because he was afraid for his mom to see it I would be horrified. He would need to leave it off because the marriage would be over. I can't believe Amanda's husband tolerates this kind of behaviour.  

I was you once, sans the kids. I was arrogant enough to think I could fix someone that is an addict. My dad died and two days later I left my "boyfriend" of 7 years. You need to own the fact that you have allowed him to devistate you financially and emotionally because of your distorted belief that somehow you can change him -it took me six years to pay off what I owed as a result of his bad behaviour and along the way I was able to undo my co-dependent ways. I felt nothing when I left. I never looked back 

all I can tell you is that it's not a dramatic, big blowout ending. It just is. you are done being that person. You just pack your kids and go. You can replace everything except for your lives. Go stay with someone that you trust and seek full custody of your kids. If the court orders visitation, request that it be supervised since he is a using addict. You will know you are on the right track emotionally when you stop reflecting on what he did to upset your life and focus on what you did to allow things to be the way they are. by owning it, you release yourself of the guilt. 

I am eight years out from that horrible relationship. I married a wonderful man and have a marvelous life. In the last 8 years I have grown a lot, and learned that the only person you can change is yourself. I am a much better person today than I was 8 years ago. 

When I grew up, we had the sex education class in school. It had absolutely no affect on how I dealt with sex when I got older. What influenced me was how my family dealt with it and the example set for me by my parents. I am now 38 and don't have kids yet, however I've had a long time to consider this topic. I would never want anyone to provide my child with birth control without my permission. What kids need to do is to be given tools (role playing, scripts and what not) by which they can initiate conversation with their parents or someone they trust. My goddaugthers know that they can come to me and that if there is something they need help talking to their parents about I will fascilitate those conversations. I won't keep secrets and the only message I send to them is that they need to understand that sex is an adult decision and that I would like to see them wait, but if they won't wait, that they be safe and allow the adults that are responsible for raising them guide them. The notion that many kids can't talk to their parents is likely true, however I think there are other ways to help those kids get the information they need - it is more an indication of a household that is not functioning well as opposed to a need to know how to have safe sex. 

As far as disciplining in public. I used to look at people with children that are misbehaving in public with scorn. "tsk tsk" and all that. Until 1. My nephew was born autistic and while he looks relatively normal, he doesn't speak very much or communicate well, he doesn't understand sharing to the degreee we would expect. One day at a birthday party at a pizza place, a woman yelled at him for touching her daughter's tickets from the game machine. Sadly, I froze, but another family member caught the interaction and told the woman that he is autistic and that she would appreciate it if she had a problem that she address the adults that are clearly with this boy than him directly. I think adults should address adults if they don't know eachother2. My goddaugher was born at 26 weeks and 1lb. She is now 6 and has some behavioral challenges. The fact is these kids brains are wired different. As a baby she cried for what seemed like days, and she has a difficult time calming herself down. What that means is whereever we take her, we are prepared to leave but it doesnt' mean we don't give her the opportunity to socialize and have success controling herself. So now when i see a child that is behaving badly,  I just think there is probably more to the situation than I know.  

Just my two cents 

Doesn't it seem like these mom's are projecting thier own insecurity about how inadequate they feel as parents onto their daughters. These girls need to be taught not hidden from the 'what ifs' of life.  

Mind you  I was never allowed to ride the bus or walk anywhere alone. When I finally was in a position where I had to, I didn't know what to do. As a result I made some pretty naive choices and put myself in situations that I was ill equiped to deal with. It is only by the grace of God that I didn't end up hurt or worse. If my mom had ridden the bus with me, had me walk by myself close distances and brought to my attention the things I needed to look out for, showed me who to talk to if I thought I was in danger, I would have been much more confident and had better problem solving abilities.  

What taught me the most about how to deal with potentially bad people was working in a restaurant. We had a customer that was flipping out, I called the police, we had a customer that was trying to scam money from us, I called the police. One night I left later than usual. AFter i left  the store wasbroken into. It taught me that I was right to have someone come stay with me because the thief was obviously watching the building. It was the rules of how we worked that gave me the tools I needed to do to be safe, not what my mom did.  

You cannot protect your kids from everything. I think we need to have faith that they will be okay and use good judgement. Once we are all gone we can only assume our kids will do the right thing... 

I think that all relationships require people to have empathy for each other. I don't believe in feeling sorry for someone or being unhealty but I do believe that a sign of maturity is when we can put ourselves in the shoes of someone else and understand their perspective.  

When we marry someone the vows are written the way they are for a reason. Do we all consider what that might mean? No but we should.  

As a matter of perscpective, my dad passed away eight years ago. He went through his initial diagnosis & treatment, had a heart attack, a heart bypass and metastatic relapse all over the course of 7 years. My parents were divorced and he had maintained a relationship with a former girlfriend over the years. His last year was a difficult one, filled with Dr. appointments and the understanding that we had exhausted all treatment options. A trip to the pharmacy cost at least $500 and we went twice a month. He never once mentioned how much things  cost. He'd have sold everything to get well. I would have done anything to help him. 

Long story short, when we finally brought him home and brought in hospice, the two people that were there for him was my mom and his previous girlfriend. My mom was there because he was our dad and when she married him way back when she made a commitment not only to him when they married but to her kids to be sure that he had a dignified passing. His previous girlfriend because she loved him like no one else had. Both of them had empathy for my brother and me and for him. It made a difficult situation more peaceful.  

grave illnesses give us an opportuntity to be better people.  

This week in Marin County, the body of a woman who had been stalked by her ex-boyfriend was found in the trunk of his car at a look out point near the Golden Gate Bridge. He was with the car and was arrested. She had lived in fear of him for years.  

My friend's husband killed her son and himself in a similar situation. She was unable to get any assistance from the DA or the police because he didn't have a recorded history of violence. She had made the move to leave him and killed her son in front of her. Not a day goes by that we don't all recall the sureal experience of getting the news and attending the funeral. It really made me question everything.  

These evil people are a breed all their own. The laws around obsession and stalking need to be specific to their crimes. They need to be locked up until their trials, no bail - ever.  

Julie- 

I've been your daughter and you need to protect your daughter from ever having contact with that man again. My mom's husband was much like your husband, and my mom was much like you. My mom was fairly passive in her discipline, but she did teach us right from wrong. She lacked confidence in her ability to parent. I can't tell you how badly I wish my mom had kicked him out the day he stepped out of bounds. You need to protect her from him and you need to work to figure out why you would accept someone like him into your and your daughters lives.  

I resented every day that he was in our house, disciplining my brother and me, telling all of us what was wrong with us, that until he came along we had no structure and that we were lucky we had him to 'fix' us.  

All that your husband is doing is creating a situation where your daughter is going to feel like she is inadequate, unlovable and unworthy of being treated well. It's a very dark road for a young woman that feels that way about herself. She is more likely to become a smoker, drug & alcohol user, she is more liekly to become involved with a man that is also physically and emotinally abusive and a man that uses drugs. She is more likely to not go to college and struggle with school.  

If you never spoke to him again it would be the greatest gift you could give your daughter. It took me YEARS of therapy to undo the damage that was done. To this day when I hear my step-dad's name the hair on the back of my neck stands up.  

stephanie needs to kick chris to the curb and get on with her life. you deserve better than him.  

congratulations on your recovery and don't let chris de-rail you. you can do anything you set your mind to.  

My mom too was very indulgent of me as a child. She felt guilty for things that she should not have felt guilty for. We lived in an affluent neighborhood because the schools were very good. My dad worked graveyard shifts to afford their THREE mortgages on the house so that my mom could be a stay at home mom. Long story short, I now know money was tight. I recently found their bank records from my childhood and I had NO idea things were as tight as they were. I so wish that my mom had just said she would like to buy me more but there was no money. I may not have liked it would have probably saved me thousands of dollars as an adult. I could have put a down payment on a house when i was 25 if not for my spending which I learned from my mom. 

My mom took me shopping for all the things the other kids had and more. If I had a bad day, go shopping, getting over a cold, go shopping, bored go shopping! My mom felt terribly inadequate and it made her feel good to give me stuff. She projected her feelings of inadequacy onto me. She did nothing to teach me the value of money, to respect money or to save money.  

As soon as I was old enough I had more credit cards than any one person should. I would juggle who to pay when on my tiny income from working in a deli. Long story short, to this day I struggle with my spending habits. It is too easy to fall back into the I want so I spend so I feel better mode. Credit is very dangerous if the person using it doesn't understand it. Those credit card companies aren't looking out for you, they are looking out for themselves.  

Recently, after watching  a piece on 60 Minutes, I started reading the book by David Ramsey about how to make over your finances. I've read the others, Suze Orman and others but there was something about David Ramsey's book that made it seem so simple. Just stop spending money you don't have, pay cash for everything and only carry a mortgage if you absolutely must. Me and a credit card is like an alcoholic with a bottle of wine. Who'd have thought there was an option. 

All these young kids should go to the bookstore and pay cash for Dave Ramsey's book.  

Parents, stop indulging your kids in order to make yourselves feel better.