Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards

User Mood
Good

Message Emote
confused

April 24, 2009, 8:45 am PDT

New Beta Community

I posted this in the new community but I wanted it to be read by readers that have something to lose.

Replied By: twisted_poet on Apr 23, 2009, 11:00AM The Beta Community should have been introduced with discussion to get more public acceptance. Most of the other users' comments are very valid. Forums are not a new idea and the wheel does not have to be reinvented.

The look and feel of the menus is clean and easy. Good job in the basic architecture.

Color background is artistic but not suitable for reading.

Discussions from single topics are hard to follow without threads. One has to pop back and forth to find what the original discussion was about. There is not a natural progression of thoughts presented by different users' ideas. Without the option to add the quote to your reply or as in many forums, having the original post followed by all the associated threads derails the helpful purpose. The final product is the original posts and replies all appear as individual, unassociated posts with no flow of thought.

This is a beta and design flaws should be changed on a quicker time line so your large following does not desert in this competitive area.

Thank you for the opportunity to field my suggestions to you and hope you give them prompt and serious consideration.

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 24, 2009, 10:17 am PDT

Redneon

Quote From: redneon

As much as you really don't want to hear the truth, thats pretty much what you will get on these boards. You got married to young, well hubby did anyways cause he isn't married he is still chasing skirts at the bars with his friends. He already had one affair,,, surprise, surprise... and it won't be his last. He is already looking this week while he is out.

Your letting him live a lifestyle that isn't condusive with staying married and you should take a deep breath, pack his stuff up and tell him its been a learning experience and you hope he will be happy without you in the house to cook, clean and wash his underwear. Hes using you honey and its time to do something for yourself. They all cheat, you just have to find one that you can spend some time with and pretend to be married, this one isn't it.

Hey Redneon,
I agree with almost all you posted on your reply. You're pretty much on the money about this man's ability to step up to the plate and put his old ways behind him. With some men it's maturity and others it may be their basic set of values. Either way I think it will be several years, if ever, before this man has realized what he had and lost.
So why did you spoil it with your last statement "They all cheat,you just have to find one that you can spend some time with and pretend to bemarried, this one isn't it." I was married for 12 years before myex-wife left me with an affair. Men's drives and attitudes are obviouslydifferent than women's but I would like to think at least half of the men haveone foot firmly placed in reality. The reality that their spouse is there forthe long term, that their wives are the most vital emotional stronghold theyhave and that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I don't mean to come off insulted or banner waving and maybe I'm all wrong but I just would like women to expect more than a simpleton for a husband. It's taken some thought but I expect more than a narcissistic person as a spouse.

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 24, 2009, 12:23 pm PDT

Wish I knew

Quote From: dawns_light

I am 42 years old; but, I don't look it. I'm very petite and I don't look my age. Men who look at me and ask me out without my ever even opening my mouth get shot down quicker than anything else! I know they are basing it on my outward appearence and that mskes me mad! I have a brain! I own my own business; I can support myself and my family on my own and go to school full time. There is more to a woman than what you see on the outside! We have feelings and emotions; we have ideas and dreams. We aren't a piece of meat! Basing your dates on looks alone can leave you feeling very empty inside!! Look beyond outward appearence to the heart...that is where true beauty lies....I know men are visual creatures, but honestly; it gets old!!!

Did you ever see the movie "Shallow Hal"? In this movie Hal saw women pretty or ugly depending on their true personality. The more inner beauty the prettier the woman, the nastier the woman, the uglier. I wish I could apologize for the animals in our midst. There are still gentleman out there that find the time to make sure you're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. The men that would appreciate you for who you are and what you have accomplished may be too respectful to initiate the meeting. The bold ones always get the press.

I have had many conversations with my guy friends about getting over our own shallowness. I don't consider myself a shallow person but I do have a bottom. I am a single, decent looking man in my early 50's and want to date women from my own era and found that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. So, I realize I have certain criterion, as I think we all do, but I don't want to judged as shallow.

Let me give you this scenario. If an available, educated, attractive man in his early fifties was kind and likable to you would you let him know, one way or the other, that he should ask you out? Would he be too old, not successful enough? Where would you draw the line? I'm curious for some of my own reasons too.

A friend of my daughter's mother is a good example. She is divorced and in her later forties, very pretty, smart, very easy to talk to and in the medical field. Up to now I have only seen her date doctors and such and I feel that she has set herself up to find someone who could support her in a more lavish life style than I could. Maybe I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt but I'm a little pessimistic.

I believe it's a double edge sword when it comes to expectations to the opposite sex.

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 24, 2009, 12:40 pm PDT

Run

Quote From: lucycunning

I am 51 years old, divorced twice. First time after a 25 year marriage, second time after a 1 year marriage. I am currently living with my boyfriend of 1 year. During this year together, we have been through a lot and have survived pretty well. We seem to have been able to work things out and stay on track. The one issue that will not go away is his lying to me and I am at my wits end over it. He is an alcoholic. He says he knows it and says he can conquer it without help from anyone or any organization. He did go to a couple of counseling sessions with me, but has now told me that he won't go to any more because it's always just the same thing over and over and he gets nothing out of it. He says he has quit drinking completely, but has said this before and I eventually found out that he was sneaking drinks every chance he got. i was out of state for the summer and we made a deal that I would only return home if he got help and quit for real. He agreed to quit but not get help. The whole time I was away, he swore he never took a drink. I was suspicious a couple of times during phone conversations, but he adamantely denied drinking. Since I have returned home, I have discovered that he was indeed drinking on those occasions (and probably more). When i confront him about it, he denies denies denies. He will not come clean. I don't know what to do about the lying. I am willing to help him kick the alcohol habit, and was totally committed to that until I caught him lying about it once again. Now I don't know if I'm just being a fool to stay around when I know he lies to me. Would sure love some good advice.

This man has a serious drinking problem. IMHO he needs to see the consequence of his addiction. He gets away from the liquor, sober for a good deal of time and then gets the reward of a woman like you. Then he proves to you that the lying was just a symptom of the drinking. You are not married to him yet and there are plenty of men who would adore a woman that could stick with them through the normal problems of life and marriage much less a self-induced problem. Unless this man has an epiphany in the next couple of weeks he is going to drag you down in some sort of way. To me, being with someone and sticking with them through the tough times does not include this time of trial. If he does not take his sickness seriously, neither should you.

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 24, 2009, 1:14 pm PDT

Advertisement at top of page

Is it the way I have my PC setup or what. Doesn't anyone else have problems with the AD banner that covers up the top of the pull down menus?

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 27, 2009, 12:02 pm PDT

a little brainstorm

Quote From: kimikomine

Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because they are used to being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."

BTW.....this is just my opinion. :))))))))))))))

Hey Kimi,
   Any time someone makes a matter of fact statement like this I suspect they are expecting some kind of commentary. So here it goes and I do it with a little levity.
   I mean no offense but my first thought of your statement was me not believing that the statement is necessarily true and it was one of self-pity or self-righteousness.
   It made me think, so I started to brainstorm the idea which means to me thoughts that were not necessarily supported with a logical thought process but were developed out of random bursts of thought. So don't kill the messenger.
   I started with the line "Women have an "easier" time being brutally honest because", and went with the idea that your statement was true with emphasis on the word brutally.
   I first came up with "lack of fear of consequences", and had to giggle to myself. Kind of what an octogenarian might say at the holiday dinner table. The feeling of "what are they going to do to me that hasn't already been done" which I believe is close to your thought, "being victimized and self sacrificial little lambs."
   Next was "because they can". Many people out of programming will back down from a woman that speaks strongly about her convictions and not challenge her for fear of some backlash of biblical proportions.
   Then I thought it might be because women were not honestly listened to until the women's liberation movement of the 60's and 70's. Women had a lot to say and if you didn't listen to them you were one of the dinosaurs that escaped extinction.
   Then I thought that women would be brutally honest if it was to their benefit. It sure doesn't leave much left for the argument. It would insure the last word leaving you in control and leaving the person being told with self doubt and a feeling of unworthiness.
   The last thought came to me that women did not have an easier time being brutally honest. Just that they were more often left in the position that if they were not brutally honest that closure would not be possible, for them or the person they were trying to come to terms with. Which was what made the most sense to me.
   I hope I didn't blow this out of proportion or step on any feelings but that is what I think an enlightening forum is all about. I learn more about myself than I do others when I write these posts.

Talk to you soon,
Twisted Poet

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 27, 2009, 1:29 pm PDT

I read a different problem here

Quote From: lifestdent

I am 36 dating a 46 year old man that I dated nearly 16 years ago before my only marriage which ended after 13 years last year due to abuse. Let me be clear. This man and I had not spoken or seen each other during my marriage. It had nothing to do with it ending. He lives two hours away. In my worst times I often wondered what my life would have been like with him. He never married and I thought I knew what love was until we were reunited and for the first time I really believe in soulmates...the problem, his mother is very religious and hates me. She has been living with him since his father died. She has told him me or her and has caused havic for months. I am going back to school and raising my two beautiful children and working so all we need to do at this point is grow our relationship in dating, but his mother causes him so much grief that we rarely see each other but talk everyday except the weekends because she calls me names and yells at him while we are on the phone. Aside from the "elephant in the room" he is the kindest and most wonderful man that I never thought existed. He feels obligated to his mother but wants a relationship with me, but not seeing each other regularly...it's hard and I just feel like I am playing a fool. His mother says that I should have stayed with my ex even if he beat me and the kids or was verbally abusive, that it was my obligation and my fault he did what he did and she uses her version of scripture to inflict her anger. I was raised in a pastor's home and was actually one of the good kids that got a raw deal in a marriage I didn't expect. He was completely different when dating and changed from day one. I love God and know that leaving was right and both the man in my life and myself believe we are not doing anything wrong by dating. I have let him go and told him I didn't want to destroy his relationship with his mother, but neither of us can bare to be without each other in our lives and we end up very shortly saying we are trying again. Am I being selfish by wanting a more normal relationship at the cost of his peace at home? Should I just be happy with what I can have for now?

Hey LifeStudent,
   I may be way off here but I think that your boyfriend's mother has other motives. She has rekindled her relationship with her son and may think that you are going to derail all of her efforts.
   Like many parents they are more critical of their childrens' life choices than the children themselves. If the parents are of sound mind and body they may have a better perspective of what their children want and need then do their adult children. Although their intervention should be minimal at best.
   Just my opinion, your boyfriend's mother does not sound like she is capable or unfettered from her own personal problems enough to give this kind of judgment.
   Secondly, your boyfriend is going to have to fix the relationship with his mother if not for you, for himself. He's going to want to do something in the future that she is not going to approve of and he's going to have to make a stand. He needs to behave as a grown man, in a grown relationship with his mother. This may be hard when she is spitting verses from the bible at him, but God is all forgiving and will understand.

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

April 28, 2009, 1:46 pm PDT

Breaking Up

Quote From: gabby1351

I've been in this relationship for almost a year now. In the beginning it was everything i always wanted and more. He's the perfect guy and the perfect boyfriend. He used to write me letters, tell me when he was thinking of me and he even cooks me dinners on those special occassions. I gave him everything, all my love and even my virginity. He lives a bit of a distance away so we make time to see eachother every weekend. Things didnt work well with my friends. i was so blinded by love that i lost connection with them and they got mad at me. I tried to get over that and i knew i could live without them because I loved the relationship i was in. I felt assured that this was soo right for me. I had no doubt that he loved me and wanted nothing more than to be with me because thats how i felt too. However, things have changed and the relationship has shifted. He says our relationship has been getting too physical so we slowed things down. Slowly he's spent more time with his friends and i tried to be okay with it. But recently our relationship has been soo distant. The conversations are forced and routine. I try to get something out but i get one word answers instead. When he can't see me on the weekend i don't blame him for being busy..but when he chooses his friends over me it hurts. Instead of seeing me after work he's seeing an old friend. Of course i trust him with her but i cant control my jealousy. When im not with him im so alone and i try to tell him how i feel but it makes him soo mad. I try to get him to want to talk to me again but i constantly feel like im losing him more n more. He thinks im being selfish. Maybe a part of me is and i cant control it. the more he pushes me away the more i want to be closer. i dont want to lose him. we fight alot now and i cant take crying night after night for him. some gave me advice to take a break but i know ill lose him if i did that. i just want things to go back to the way it used to be. how can i fix this without getting in a painful breakup??

PLEASE HELP :(

Hey Gabby,
   I think one of the reasons you haven't had more replies yet is because you're dealing with so many new feelings with such little experience. There are better people on this forum that could possibly relate to you better than I could but I'm going to give you my 2 cents.
   My heart is going out to you but there are always risks when you give someone a big part of yourself and there are no promises of an easy life. Your friends that are asking you to take a break from your relationship are hoping you will get away from the issues long enough so that you can see the problems from a distance. You have admitted that the love you have now is not the love that fed you so well during the last year and neither is this the same man that you fell in love with a year ago. Young men at your age have a problem dealing with the responsibilities of relationships. When things are going great they are at their best. When feelings change they don't know how to be up front and try to take the easiest path of resistance. They sometimes believe avoidance can cure their problems. Young ladies, as yourself usually have a more mature outlook on relationships that young men can't even fathom. It's not you. You have given your all and you have to know when to call it quits.
   You need to take the good things that came from this relationship and remember them forever and take the bad things and learn from them so that you don't have to repeat them again. Men are wired so different than women it's amazing we can get along at all. Don't get lured into playing the games and be the better person so he see's what he has truly lost. That will be his lesson to remember.
   You'll find those friends that you gave up for your boyfriend never left you at all and will be your greatest support. I also bet you have one or two parents that are worried sick about the happiness of their girl. They've been waiting for you to come to them for advice. You'll find between your friends and family there is happiness beyond your disappointment and I guarantee because of your devotion and strong love you'll have a relationship with even better rewards.
   Chin-up, big smile so you'll be ready for your next chance at happiness. Please come back and let us know how you're doing. We all care here and you are very important to us.

Good Luck!
Twisted Poet

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

May 1, 2009, 6:23 am PDT

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

This post was put in the "New Community" under "Share your thoughts on the New web design". Which speaks volumes about the new web design..Anyway I thought it was well said and that it needs to be shared.

Replied By: zeketurtle on Apr 30, 2009, 5:26PM My wife and I have gone through a lot; failed previous marriages, addiction of the children and
times when we didn't have two nickels to rub together. through the troubled times of this day's
economy and throughout our thirteen years of marriage we have noticed that the less fortunate
times are the ones that have brought us the closest. We are very considerate of each others
wants and feelings. She becomes more endearing to me as I see the sweetness of her soul
as we take care of each other.

I only wish other couples could see their mates as I do through my eyes. There is no blame
game.

Although I don't wish for the hard times, I look at it as an opportunity to become closer.
So in these hard times of the present day, use them as an opportunity to become more of
a soul mate and enhance your relationship as you become more aware of your mate's
true being.

anonymous

P.S.
Dr. Phil, I wish you would read this on the air to alert people that there is another beautiful
path to take in troubled times,

Read Replies to this Message

twisted_poet

User Mood
Good

Message Emote

May 4, 2009, 11:31 am PDT

Gabby's Heart

Quote From: gabby1351

twisted poet,

i cant thank u enough for caring and giving ur heart out to me. im writing at 3 am because of another fight that led to another sleepless night :(

ur right about how guys are so different than girls and ur right when u say 'know wen to call it quits'.. i jus feel like my life wud be over if that were to happen. ik that's as immature statement but its true

i wish we cud take the bad from our relationship and learn from mistakes but it seems like the same issues and problems come up again and again

but i shud focus on the other things important in my life.. my future my family. u cudnt be more right wen u mentioned my parents because they have been soo worried. my mom woke me up tonight to try to get me to talk but i just rolled over and put the covers over my head. i wish i cud be more open with her. i wish it were easy but day after day i feel like ive dissapointed her

i hate the current situation of depression im in but i hope things will turn out for the best. i hope happiness can be found in this fog of confusion and anger.. and i thank u again for ur generous adive

gabby

Oh my dear Gabby,
   You're already on your way to being a stronger woman, you just can't see it yet because of all the haze. I wish I could tell you the tough times you are having now with your relationship were not going to ever happen again, but you've heard it before, life doesn't have any promises.
   You feeling like your life will be over if this man passes from your love life is not immature, but appropriate for all the effort you have already given and all the future effort you were willing to give. I like to think of it as more of a lack of experience rather than not being mature. You have shown much more maturity than you have given yourself credit for but what you must understand is that it takes two to make a loving relationship work and you are trying to carry the torch for the both of you.
   There is no magic potion that's going to make this easier or put closure on your relationship. It's more about surviving through the hurt feelings. There were no logical reasons for this ever happening and you are wondering about the questions that were never answered or even asked.
   Doesn't your mind feel like a sponge that is saturated with dark feelings? Well, it needs a way to be squeezed out every now and then or it can't handle the burden. That's where your support comes to your rescue. They are not going to be able to answer all the questions and maybe you can't tell them all the facts. But they will give you the definite feeling of comfort and will be able to share some of the burden so your mind doesn't feel like it's going to swell up and explode.
   If you think I am leading you on the right track I would like to offer you one more piece of advice. Use your mom for that support. There is no one in the world that would want to share your pain more than your mother. She can be your biggest confidante and believe me you can use them for the rest of your life, I know I have. She may not have made the same decisions you have made when she was young but she can relate to everyone of your feelings. She knows what a big heart you have and how deeply you can be devoted. No one else knows this as well as she does. If you don't know how to approach her with your problem, edit if you must and show her your posts in this forum. From my deepest truths, she will not judge you and will become your most trusted ally for the rest of your life.
Sincerely your friend,
Twisted Poet

Read Replies to this Message

Message Boards

Messages By: twisted_poet

New Beta Community

Redneon

Wish I knew

Run

Advertisement at top of page

a little brainstorm

I read a different problem here

Breaking Up

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Gabby's Heart