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Messages By: hisjewel


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confused
July 23, 2005, 8:08 pm CDT

Bulimia

I have stuggled with an eating disorder since just before I turned 13 now i am 23 almost 24.  Sometime around then I remember doing things like sitting in the car so i could sweat that maybe I would lose some weight.  Then I just would not eat meals and exercise excessively.    At first it was anxerixia, then bulimia with some anorexia, after that it was bulimia (laxitives and throwing up both everyday) now it is more anorexia i would guess.  So anyway I don't know I am just so confused.  I am about to leave for college and well I was hoping something may have changed by now but for some reason i keep making all the wrong desision.

 

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anxious
July 24, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

interesting

Is it very often that someone has something happen like the lady who was addicted to pain pills.  You know how her symptoms seemed like OCD and that isn't really what it was.  I really found this very interesting when I heard it.  When this was said it made me think a lot but I didn't get to far with think though LOL.  thanks
 

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confused
July 24, 2005, 1:04 pm CDT

grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

why is it that sometimes just for a brief moment we look at ourselves and think wow look at me and like two seconds later you can turn around and be like omg look at you ewwwww!!!!!!!!
 

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blank
July 24, 2005, 2:16 pm CDT

Self Image

Why are you stressed?

BTW

I never look at myself and think WOW.......

Today I look at myself completely differently in the mirror.

Well, I don't really think wow much at all just everyonce in a blue moon I look in the mirror and think well, that's not so bad you look kind of nice but it last like a few seconds and then well yeah.  I just wish i could hold and capture that brief moment when i think you know your kind of pretty but it's never happened.  What do you mean today you look at yourself completely differently in the mirror?  I tell you sometimes I look in the mirror and just want to throw something at it LOL!!!  I guess i am so stressed partly because right now i am so confused about so many things.  the picture here you know if this is so beautiful and  cared for so much don't you think when we look in the mirror that we should see something quite as beautiful as this picture.  I mean we are unique and fearfully and wonderfully made.  The thing is I don't see that when I look at me but i can see it in others.  I would like to feel like what i see in the picture beauty and peace.  I can just imagine all the storms and stuff going on around that scene still it stays calm.
 

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happy
July 24, 2005, 3:10 pm CDT

You said my GOD!!!

He is the only reason I know what i see in the mirror can't be real!!!  I know that He has cared for even the flowers and has taken time with them so if He does that for them then wow, what He has done for us.  I know it is the beauty on the inside that matters and well by what others say the see Him in me.  So well He is beauty so i know there is beauty in me.  It just seems like no matter what when i see me it is never good enough.  It isn't even so much i care what others think about me it is what i see when i look at me (outside) and well yeah i don't know. 

 

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blank
July 24, 2005, 3:21 pm CDT

Bulimia

I have been bulimic for 18 years. I go through cycles...sometimes not at all, and sometimes multiple times a day. I'll spend so much money on drive thru fast food, wolf it down, and purge. I've even stolen money from my stepdaughter when I've been out of cash just to get a "fix." I want to stop, but honestly, every time I try I give up. I'm afraid of telling anyone, including my therapist, because I don't want to have to go into a treatment center.

So your therapist knows nothing about your bulimia?  It is scary to think you may have to go to a treatment center but they aren't the only way.  There are other things like how you are going to therapy now.  Don't you think if you discussed it with her that you may be able to have someone to help you or guide you along.  They don't always send you to treatment centers, sure there are some people that it would be best to go in a treatment center but well who says you need one.  I am sure your therapist would see how you two could work together in helping you overcome.  We are all overcomers it just sometimes seems to take a while to get there.  We have it in us to overcome but sometimes we need a good kick in the but to do it. 

 

hehe I sit here and say this to youknow that i need to remember it myself.  It is so hard to remember or think of exspecially when you can be soooooooooo confused and you don't know what you want.  ooooo and when you think what do I want and you can't figure do you well yeah i don't know LOL i am just babblin on it feels like LOL......  I mean I keep think to myself if i really want to get better then why haven't i done it and i get so angry...... ooooo i'll hush now LOL......  it seems like i can't really ever think of anything much different then this

 

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blank
July 24, 2005, 4:17 pm CDT

My best friend

I have been best friends with this guy for atleast 4 years I beleive.  When we first became friends we did everything together!!!  Well, both of us ended up going to a organization together to be a missionary.  When we were there people always gave us a hard time saying we were dating and didn't know it (which by the way i have never dated).  That put such a stress in our relationship, we both knew it was true but the others wouldn't leave us alone (even though some said they weren't serious).  Well, I went there with a huge wall and so many hidden things and well he went there with his own issues including his immaturity (which drove me crazy sometimes depending what it was).  So with all they were doing and the things that we as individuals had to face not realizing it we took it out on each other.  If we were upset with one person we reacted instead to our best friend (Me to him and him to me).  Finally, after a while of it all one day we just stopped talking.  We didn't discuss it say why or anything we just knew not to talk to the other.  I mean there was no fight of anykind just one day we didn't really talk anymore.  What made this even harder was that people somehow didn't realize we weren't talking anymore and still gave us a hard time.  It was like we were growing apart yet we weren't.  

We were going to India and on the way got stuck beside each other the whole way, by now we had been talking but well it wasn't always so nice (not that bad but yeah).  So, we started getting along a lot better as the plain ride went on but not long after being in India there we were not saying much again.  I really didn't know what to do so well once again we both kept our mouths shut until one day we were asked to go do something together.  We talked a little about it that day and finally started talking again.  Things weren't quite the same as they had once been but they were better then they had been.  So we finished the outreach still with something there that didn't seem quite right.  We got back to the original base and said some casual things but didn't really hang around each other the way we once had.  We finished this whole thing and went home, he stayed home but after a while i went back to this organization.  During the time that both of us were back home we never really talked for the longest time.

Anyway to make a long story short there was a time we started to do things a lot again but then it kind of died down just casue sometimes life works that way.  It has been 3 years and never until last night did we know the other was wondering what happened and did the other person feel the same way as we did.  It was so strange i mean if we would have really really talked about ti then a lot would have been saved but instead we got to see what a real friendship was all about. I mean even when we didn't talk we introduced or refered to the other as out friend!!!!

 

well i thought that was an incouraging story about friendships and how they can really survive anything and you all are only hearing a part of it!!!

 

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confused
July 24, 2005, 4:35 pm CDT

Defining Your Authentic Self

You have taken the first step in finding your authentic self by coming to the boards and asking the question.

For many stories have a look in the Archives - however the journey that I started to find my authentic self commenced 3 years ago and whilst I am now comfortable within myself and my world I keep finding new things about myself - the journey will continue for me for the rest of my life.

And I think that is what it is all about for life is a journey and happiness is not a destination it is a part of the journey.

Like most of those who come here I worked on Dr Phil's Self Matters and Life Strategies books - the work was long and exhausting but the result - which was me and my authentic self - was worth it. Give it a try.

I think one of the main things to remember - is that you should not try to define yourself by what you do or where you live or what you have - the real and true definition of who you are lies deep within - not in superficial world.

Yeah i know that it doesn't matter what the superficial world thinks and well with a lot of things about me in my life it demonstrates that i am like so what if you don't like it.  Then there is me who says you should have done better, that's not good enough, what's your problem and all those things that just say hey your not good enough you need to do better.  It can be over the dumbest things that i get so mad at myself for and then i have already reacted to myself so well then haaaaa yeah..

 I am so glad that I do matter but actually sometimes i feel kind of angry about it.  I think that is really strange but haaaaaa yeah!!!  Iknow that it is the me who is deep inside that defines me but i just have a real hard time seeing it no matter how many people tell all those things they see. 

 

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blank
July 24, 2005, 7:42 pm CDT

Self Image

You are perfection Perfection for this time for his perfect plan for right this moment...

Trust God's perfect plan and this VAST process of knowing...

If you truly believe what it is that you type...and You are God's child than you are perfect!

The best thing you can do with any 24 hours is live as honorably as you possibly can. Try not to pollute your mind with negative thoughts or behaviors. Stay clean in mind body and spirit and help others along the way...

Well that's the path I'm taking anyway xoxox

oooo yes i do believe i was even a missionary for 2 years.......  i love God soooo much and i know He loves me soooo much........  i know that when He looks at me He sees no flaw.....  i know a lot of stuff and i really know it so it makes it more frustrating to me when i see that i well hmm i guess don't see myself how He does.........  but i truely am a christian!!! 
 

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happy
July 24, 2005, 7:53 pm CDT

Self Image

Where were you a missionary? That sounds so wonderful...
Well, we had a base that is in NC and we did some missions work in the states along the east.  Then we would go on outreaches to different places usually for 2 mth periods.  I was in India for 2 mths and Mexico for 2 mths and scottland for 2 weeks..........  the rest of the missions work i did was in the US.  I loved it soooo much!!!!  I feel honored that God allowed me to go out and share like that!!!
 

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