Messages By: figuritout

Hi everyone.  I heard I was missed and that was so nice to hear that I just had to come and say hello.  I am doing fine.  I am in counseling and working on myself now.  This counselor is much more helpful than the last one I tried.  I will keep things vague for now.  There is no need to worry about me, though.  I am one of the lucky ones; I don't have to deal with physical or verbal abuse (since childhood, anyway). 

I'll try to catch up on all of you by reading through the posts.  Tell me how you're doing if you have a chance.

Take care,

Figuritout

Yep, the counseling feels like it's doing some good.  I have someone this time who does more than listen.  I like lots of feedback and I'm getting it.

My garden is done for the year, too.  It froze.  I wasn't quite done harvesting, but I guess the birds will have a good time with it.

Dawgmom, I can empathize because I have a dysfuntional family as well and a certain in-law has a lot of control over certain family members.  In this case, it all revolves around money (gifts, etc) and a future inheritance.

I did want to say something about the dog allergies.  Your DIL may be telling the truth about that.  I am VERY allergic to dogs and cats (proven by symptoms and skin testing).  However, when I get a young pet and live with it, my body adapts.  I have little to no allergic symptoms.  When I visit someone with a dog or go into a pet store or animal shelter, I have severe symptoms including asthma.  My allergist told me that there are people who react this way, so I'm not the only one.

Still, this does not excuse the behavior of your son and his wife.  That is a much bigger problem.  Have you thought about going to counseling to talk about the rejection that you're feeling?  If you can deal with the hurt and avoid getting more angry, it might keep you from doing or saying something that you'll regret later.  I am not implying that you are the problem.  I do think it would help to have someone to talk to (third party, professional) who can help you sort it all out.

Your son might be going along with all of this because he puts money above relationships.  Do you think so?  Was your son hard to deal with before he married?

Chris, I can't see any good reason for you to be living with your mother and grandmother.  I know someone like them and I see what this person did to a relative (child/grandchild) and it's not pretty.  Living in filth is just part of it.  The other part is lack of boundaries; this person has no privacy or rights.  Also, she has been groomed to be financially dependent and discouraged as far as schooling and jobs go.  The comments from your mom are the same ones she has been listening to for years.  She will never leave now.  I would hate to see you in the same situation.  Get out while you can. 

Be sure to go talk to the colleges.  The community colleges usually have free or low-cost classes and/or counseling to help you choose a major.  Also, apply for financial aid soon; the applications come out in a few weeks for the next school year.  If you take too long, the money will be gone.  There might be on-campus jobs, whether you qualify for financial aid or not--or off-campus jobs. 

Do you have any idea what kind of work you want to do?  Have you been able to work at all or does your mother keep you too busy?  Do you support them?  Can they support themselves?

If you have an e-mail listed and you want more ideas, let me know.  I would be happy to encourage you to get into a healthier situation. 

Oh, can you get to counseling at all?  It might help to get you through the guilt trips your mother is bound to put you through.

Good luck!!

I grew up with abuse from a parent.  Would you like to talk about it?  I understand that you want your dad to change.  I have always wanted my mom to change.  I've done a lot to try to make that happen, but it hasn't worked yet and she's old--I don't think it's going to happen.  She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.  Does your dad see anything wrong with his?  Has he ever admitted that he has done anything wrong?  My mom hasn't.  She came close, once, in a very vague way, but in the same sentence made excuses for it. 

 At this point, I would be happy if she would just quit being abusive (verbally, emotionally, etc)--never mind apologies for the past.  She is very, very defensive.  Is your dad that way if someone calls him on his abusive behavior?

Buickfan, I grew up with abuse from a parent.  Would you like to talk about it?  I understand that you want your dad to change.  I have always wanted my mom to change.  I've done a lot to try to make that happen, but it hasn't worked yet and she's old--I don't think it's going to happen.  She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.  Does your dad see anything wrong with his?  Has he ever admitted that he has done anything wrong?  My mom hasn't.  She came close, once, in a very vague way, but in the same sentence made excuses for it. 

 At this point, I would be happy if she would just quit being abusive (verbally, emotionally, etc)--never mind apologies for the past.  She is very, very defensive.  Is your dad that way if someone calls him on his abusive behavior?

I got a little lost in the timeline.  Was the "altercation" 6 years ago or recently?  What was your husband arrested for?  What did he do to your mom in order to get arrested?  Has he ever been verbally or physically (or otherwise) abusive toward you or your children?

It looks like you have some work to do with your parents on boundary-setting, etc.  Counseling is probably the best place for you to be.  Maybe it will work out so you don't have to avoid them in the future.

It sounds like you've had some problems in your marriage.  What types of things have been going on over the years?

Why do you think your parents doing like your husband?  Has he hurt you?  Even if they have a good reason not to like him, it does not give them the right to try to control you.  If he has done something wrong, I hope you'll talk to the counselor about it and hold him accountable.

Kimberly, are you saying that your FIL, the one who tried to have sex with you, is grabbing the crotch of your 2-1/2 year old daughter??  If this is going on, you need to get someone to help you NOW.  You cannot leave your child with a pervert like that.  You have every right to keep her from him and you don't owe him an explanation.  The first thing you need to do is talk to some professionals about sexual abuse and learn how to protect yourself and your daughter.

Telling the pervert to quit touching her probably won't do any good.  Don't let him touch her.  Don't leave her in their house--or anywhere else he can get his hands on her.  I hope that you will never let your daughter spend the night with them again.  Do you see what is going on?  I don't mean to criticize you.  I just hope that you can see what is happening and I pray that you will get some help TODAY.  A sexual assault hotline might be helpful till you can get yourself to a counselor.

You are not overreacting.  You are a loving parent and you are right to want to protect your daughter.

I hope you'll write back.  There might be a sexual abuse message board here.  If not, there is an abuse message board that is very helpful.  This is WAY more than an in-law problem.  From what you said, it sounds like sexual abuse.

Take care.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  You really are stuck in the middle, aren't you?  It sounds like your husband isn't at all supportive of your mothering or your education.  He seems to be as dysfunctional as his parents are.  There really isn't anything you can do with people who are that far out--just avoid them and possibly get legal help.  I know it's easier said than done, though.

Your mind seems to be working just fine.  You're under a lot of pressure from unreasonable people.  I would definitely feel pressured if someone was threatening to take my six month old nursing baby away--even for a day. 

Ideally, it would be nice if you could do what feels right about the birthday situation.  Also, there seems to be no reason for you to make an apology to the parents.  They are way out of line and you are protecting your child.  If not apologizing means more abuse for you, then I don't blame you for doing it...do what you have to do.  In the long run, though, things need to change. 

Are you in counseling?  Have you learned much about abusive people?  There is a wonderful message board here, listed as Abuse, which is under the Marriage heading.  I hope that you'll check it out.

I'd say to ignore the in-laws, but your husband is all tied up in it and wants you to suppress your own needs to give the in-laws what they want.  It's wrong and you know that.  You might have to remove yourself from your husband, too, if he won't try to see it another way.  Will he go to counseling with you?  It sounds like he needs some individual counseling, too, for his abuse.  I call it abuse because it sounds like emotional and psychological abuse--maybe verbal, too.  Is he physically abusive?

By the way, how did your exams go?  These people managed to take a very stressful time (your taking medical exams, taking care of a six month old and nursing...) and made it horrendous for you.  They had no right to do that. 

If you have a SAFE e-mail and want to e-mail back and forth, you can list it in your profile and I will write to you.  Just leave a note here (reply) and tell me that you want to do that.  If you don't want to leave it there for long, just remove it after I get it. 

You're going to have to stand up for what is right and it's going to be a tough road.  I hope that you can get lots of help.  The abuse message board might be a good place to start--along with a counselor.  Also, check out drirene.com if you haven't seen it; it's regarding verbal abuse and has a message board, too.

GOOD LUCK!!!!