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Messages By: figuritout


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happy
November 1, 2006, 5:11 pm CST

Hi Everyone!

Hi everyone.  I heard I was missed and that was so nice to hear that I just had to come and say hello.  I am doing fine.  I am in counseling and working on myself now.  This counselor is much more helpful than the last one I tried.  I will keep things vague for now.  There is no need to worry about me, though.  I am one of the lucky ones; I don't have to deal with physical or verbal abuse (since childhood, anyway). 

 

I'll try to catch up on all of you by reading through the posts.  Tell me how you're doing if you have a chance.

 

Take care,

Figuritout

 

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happy
November 1, 2006, 7:45 pm CST

Hi Q

Quote From: qqqhhh

BRAVO ON THE COUNSELING.... WOO HOO!

 

You know how I am doing -- I am a steadfast STONE!!!

 

Not saying I'm indefatigable, but somewhat unsinkable these days -- as ever!

 

The garden, however, is goign dormant early.  Its a brown crispy critter due to the drought!  So I'm glad it's going to sleep for the winter EARLY!  SO THERE! 

 

Q

Yep, the counseling feels like it's doing some good.  I have someone this time who does more than listen.  I like lots of feedback and I'm getting it.

 

My garden is done for the year, too.  It froze.  I wasn't quite done harvesting, but I guess the birds will have a good time with it.

 

 

 

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chillin'
November 2, 2006, 2:26 pm CST

Hi Dawgmom

Quote From: GADAWGS05

Well we've had our new granddaughter with us since 7+28-2006 and my son and his wife will absolutely not bring her to our house.  They are soooo afraid that she'll have a reaction to our dog that does not stay in the house but he does come into the house at night for his chew so we can monitor him with that. 

My daughter in law is supposedly allergic to dogs but her parents own a pawn shop and when they got their dog and he was a puppy, they kept him in the shop all day and daughter in law was around him in the shop.  I guess their dog has different dog hair than ours.

She wasn't bothered by his dog hair.  I think I will tell off the whole d=== bunch of her family because they control everything my son ahd she does and they are revelling in the fact that we don't get to see our granddaughter.  I don't really feel like a grandmother.

We can't see the baby unless we're invited and that sucks.

Please help calm my nerves because I am sooooo ready to tell off her family.

thanks,

dawgmom

Dawgmom, I can empathize because I have a dysfuntional family as well and a certain in-law has a lot of control over certain family members.  In this case, it all revolves around money (gifts, etc) and a future inheritance.

 

I did want to say something about the dog allergies.  Your DIL may be telling the truth about that.  I am VERY allergic to dogs and cats (proven by symptoms and skin testing).  However, when I get a young pet and live with it, my body adapts.  I have little to no allergic symptoms.  When I visit someone with a dog or go into a pet store or animal shelter, I have severe symptoms including asthma.  My allergist told me that there are people who react this way, so I'm not the only one.

 

Still, this does not excuse the behavior of your son and his wife.  That is a much bigger problem.  Have you thought about going to counseling to talk about the rejection that you're feeling?  If you can deal with the hurt and avoid getting more angry, it might keep you from doing or saying something that you'll regret later.  I am not implying that you are the problem.  I do think it would help to have someone to talk to (third party, professional) who can help you sort it all out.

 

Your son might be going along with all of this because he puts money above relationships.  Do you think so?  Was your son hard to deal with before he married?

 

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chillin'
November 2, 2006, 2:40 pm CST

Chris

Quote From: thrach

Hi my name is Chris and I am a 23 year old male.  I have family issues pertaining to my mother and my grandmother.  This is going to be hard for me to explain and put all into words but i'm going to try so here goes.  On the inside I almost hate my mother and grandmother.  They irritate and piss me off.  My mom has no real job because of her bankruptcy and credit.  My mother holds me back from moving out by manipulating me mentally (atleast in my opinion).  I am hoping to get this bank teller job nearby and I mentioned that once I do and save up some money I am going to move out.  she says something like this "oh thats nice of you to leave and not help here".  Thats not verbatim but I can't remember it exactly.  Anyway isn't that a bit selfish and hurtfull?  To persuade me to stay out of guilt?  I'm about to explode, i'd love to just punch her in the face (not that I would I just feel that way). 

 

I tried to leave twice, once when I joined the navy only to be discharged and returned home.  And another a few months ago when I left to live with my dad.  Both times she cried her eyes out because they felt I betrayed them.  I just want to live on my own.  I understand that living in atlanta is expensive but still I do not want to live here.  It's toxic and mentally unhealthy as well as generally unhealthy. 

 

I just don't know what to do, I feel manipulated so much and i've been so full of anger i've wanted to blow my head off just to spite them.   Here is an example of how I feel I have been manipulated.  My grandmother used to have a little lovebird here until it died.  Now I am no fan of pets.  This bird had pretty much free reign in the house.  It would go anywhere it pleased.  I know alot of people have pets but I think its disgusting when it poo's in the house.  Birds are different then cats or dogs when they poo since they can fly (arial poo).  

 

Now my grandmother didn't force it to live in a cage, instead it would live in the kitchen cabinet right above the sink.   The kitchen is the worst place to let a pet live and I had pretty much no say so.  There was numerous times my grandmother would make us food and I swear I have seen bird poo on some of my food.  When I confronted her about it do you know what she said?  "Oh thats just seasoning".  SEASONING?!?!?  how freaking ignorant.  Wouldn't any of you feel a bit lied to and atleast a tad bit upset?  Am I wrong for the way I feel?

 

 

So if you could please answer me this question.  Shouldn't I being a 23 year old male be living on my own taking care of myself?  I really hope to get this job and once I do i'm going to work first toward getting my own car and moving out.  I am not in college at the moment but I am going to go whether it be a tech school or what I am going to go.  If any of you have real solid advice and guidance as to what I should do please reply.  I am lost but I really want to get out of here.

Chris, I can't see any good reason for you to be living with your mother and grandmother.  I know someone like them and I see what this person did to a relative (child/grandchild) and it's not pretty.  Living in filth is just part of it.  The other part is lack of boundaries; this person has no privacy or rights.  Also, she has been groomed to be financially dependent and discouraged as far as schooling and jobs go.  The comments from your mom are the same ones she has been listening to for years.  She will never leave now.  I would hate to see you in the same situation.  Get out while you can. 

 

Be sure to go talk to the colleges.  The community colleges usually have free or low-cost classes and/or counseling to help you choose a major.  Also, apply for financial aid soon; the applications come out in a few weeks for the next school year.  If you take too long, the money will be gone.  There might be on-campus jobs, whether you qualify for financial aid or not--or off-campus jobs. 

 

Do you have any idea what kind of work you want to do?  Have you been able to work at all or does your mother keep you too busy?  Do you support them?  Can they support themselves?

 

If you have an e-mail listed and you want more ideas, let me know.  I would be happy to encourage you to get into a healthier situation. 

 

Oh, can you get to counseling at all?  It might help to get you through the guilt trips your mother is bound to put you through.

 

Good luck!!

 

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happy
November 3, 2006, 1:39 pm CST

Hi Buickfan

I grew up with abuse from a parent.  Would you like to talk about it?  I understand that you want your dad to change.  I have always wanted my mom to change.  I've done a lot to try to make that happen, but it hasn't worked yet and she's old--I don't think it's going to happen.  She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.  Does your dad see anything wrong with his?  Has he ever admitted that he has done anything wrong?  My mom hasn't.  She came close, once, in a very vague way, but in the same sentence made excuses for it. 

 

 At this point, I would be happy if she would just quit being abusive (verbally, emotionally, etc)--never mind apologies for the past.  She is very, very defensive.  Is your dad that way if someone calls him on his abusive behavior?

 

 

 

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chillin'
November 4, 2006, 9:24 pm CST

Sending again to Buickfan...

Buickfan, I grew up with abuse from a parent.  Would you like to talk about it?  I understand that you want your dad to change.  I have always wanted my mom to change.  I've done a lot to try to make that happen, but it hasn't worked yet and she's old--I don't think it's going to happen.  She sees nothing wrong with her behavior.  Does your dad see anything wrong with his?  Has he ever admitted that he has done anything wrong?  My mom hasn't.  She came close, once, in a very vague way, but in the same sentence made excuses for it. 

 

 At this point, I would be happy if she would just quit being abusive (verbally, emotionally, etc)--never mind apologies for the past.  She is very, very defensive.  Is your dad that way if someone calls him on his abusive behavior?

 

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chillin'
November 5, 2006, 7:19 pm CST

Jenni

Quote From: jenniragen

 I am writing this to get advise-my husband and mother were in an altercation at our home.  She had him arrested.  He and I are seperating and both of us are receiving counseling.  We moved back to this area about a year ago and bought my brother's house to save him from bankruptcy and to have a family home-it has been nothing but trouble.  My parents are angry with me for letting my husband see the kids.  They are always in our business and now refuse to speak to me because I will not let them push me into not letting the children see their father.  I do not want my children in the middle of their vendetta.  Although they are loving grandparents-my mother often says things like "My kids" in reference to our children-it is very upsetting.  My husband and I seperated over 6 years ago and then worked things out-the result-my parents refused to speak to me for over two years.  My husband and I are both responsible adults that love our children, but realize that our arguing is taking a toll on the whole family and that we need to seperate to get individual help and to see if we can later work things out.  I don't know what to hthink of my parent's behavior and am angry and resent the fact that they try to emotionally blackmail me.  I am also sick of the fact that they refuse to recognize that as the GRANDPARENTS their opinions are valued but the raising of my husband and my children is not a democracy!  And they don't get the majority vote-I feel like they are using the confusion and emotionally charged situation of my seperation to further manipulate me and often feel like they are trying to take my children away.  I so wish we had never moved back here!  The happiest point of my marriage and adult life was the two years they didn't speak to me.  I feel guilt over saying that-like I am being ungrateful-but I left home as fast as possible and have stayed away until this point.  I am 32 and have been successful in my life and choices-I wish they would recognize that.  I have three beautiful children with a man that I love and loves our children.  The fact that we made the responsible choice of trying to put the children's feelings first until we can work on our marriage should not be an open door for ridicule and manipulation-or am I wrong?

I got a little lost in the timeline.  Was the "altercation" 6 years ago or recently?  What was your husband arrested for?  What did he do to your mom in order to get arrested?  Has he ever been verbally or physically (or otherwise) abusive toward you or your children?

 

It looks like you have some work to do with your parents on boundary-setting, etc.  Counseling is probably the best place for you to be.  Maybe it will work out so you don't have to avoid them in the future.

 

It sounds like you've had some problems in your marriage.  What types of things have been going on over the years?

 

Why do you think your parents doing like your husband?  Has he hurt you?  Even if they have a good reason not to like him, it does not give them the right to try to control you.  If he has done something wrong, I hope you'll talk to the counselor about it and hold him accountable.

 

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angry
November 5, 2006, 7:33 pm CST

Kimberly, he WHAT??

Quote From: kimberly112

It has been a long and terable jurney.  aswell I cant spell very well.  I am now at another hard place in this jurney because my daughter and him (fil) have a special bond.  I dont really trust him...Dont know what to do or say she is 2.5 and he holds her by her crotch I dont really know what to do or say.  I just want to close the door and get them away.  The inlaws like having my daughter over night.... Dont like spending time with her here in my house.  I dont like it but dont know what to do.  I dont know if I am over reacting or not

 

Kimberly, are you saying that your FIL, the one who tried to have sex with you, is grabbing the crotch of your 2-1/2 year old daughter??  If this is going on, you need to get someone to help you NOW.  You cannot leave your child with a pervert like that.  You have every right to keep her from him and you don't owe him an explanation.  The first thing you need to do is talk to some professionals about sexual abuse and learn how to protect yourself and your daughter.

 

Telling the pervert to quit touching her probably won't do any good.  Don't let him touch her.  Don't leave her in their house--or anywhere else he can get his hands on her.  I hope that you will never let your daughter spend the night with them again.  Do you see what is going on?  I don't mean to criticize you.  I just hope that you can see what is happening and I pray that you will get some help TODAY.  A sexual assault hotline might be helpful till you can get yourself to a counselor.

 

You are not overreacting.  You are a loving parent and you are right to want to protect your daughter.

 

I hope you'll write back.  There might be a sexual abuse message board here.  If not, there is an abuse message board that is very helpful.  This is WAY more than an in-law problem.  From what you said, it sounds like sexual abuse.

 

Take care.

 

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happy
November 6, 2006, 9:52 am CST

Theresed

Quote From: teresed

I am currently going through a divorce. A few months after my husband and I split up and moved into seperate residences I met someone else.  I have been seeing him for several months now and we have become very close to one another. We have the best sexual relationship, in fact it's like no other relationship I've ever experienced. There have been a few times (like 6 or more) that when we are making love my orgasim's are so intense that I will immediately break out in tears.  I have never experienced this , I feel like it is not normal that something is wrong with me emotionally.
My boyfriend says it is completely normal ,it is a release he says. For some reason I get embarrassed when I break out in tears following an extremely intense orgasim.
Like I said I feel like something is wrong with me emotionally. I forgot to mention that it is not only when we make love that I'll have such an intense orgasim ,I have actually experienced an extremely intense orgasim
 from him stimulating me orally (mouth) also.
I can't even describe the feeling , it is almost like I am scared of it because it is so intense.
How strange does that sound?
Is there something wrong with me emotionally?
I've had the same thing happen before.  It was always when the sex/orgasm was really good and I felt really happy.  It also seemed to be related to feeling loved and accepted--sometimes (unfortunately) after a period of time wondering if I really was loved.  I have heard about it happening to others, so it's nothing to be worried about--unless you're feeling sad or upset about something, you're being abused, etc--but that doesn't seem to be your case at all.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are opening your heart and being vulnerable.
 

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sad
November 8, 2006, 10:35 am CST

Oh, Dudu15!!

Quote From: dudu15

HI EVERYONE, THIS WAS MY FIRST MESSAGE THAT I POSTED ORIGINALLY ABOUT A MONTH AGO...

 

 

                   I'm so glad that I finally found a place to vent out my emotions concerning this matter,  IN- LAWS....

   

I guess it's the same story over and over agian...They haven't accepted me as a fiance or a wife to their son.

 

They are always creating problems...Really just creating them out of the blues to get attention and sympathy.

 

My MIL hates how much her son loves me and how he gets along with my parents... She attempts to ruin the relationship he has with my parents. She feels jealous, but always justifies her feelings by saying that my husband doesn't love his parents as much as he loves my family... Of course after that my husband begins to act weird towards my parents, who have nothing towards him but love, true geniune love.

 

I live in the UK, and they live in my home country...so we are distant...but for some reason they still can penetrate and reach deep in my home...

 

The last situation was 3 months ago, I had my final exams for univeristy, and i had to go back  to my country to take them. They wanted me to leave the studying and take my, then, 6month old daughter to them so that they can see her... I explained that I don't have time, so I invited them to come over and spend time with her when ever they wish...  So they go away for a few days and call me on the phone and create a whole new thing, we don't feel welcomed in ur home (I was staying with my mom)...we want our granddaughter to visit her grandparents house....I finally made it clear that this will have to be after I finish my exams...

 

Between my exams I called, and they won't answer the phone, and when they did, they start talking about how much I hate them and how I planned to take their son away from them and that I succeeded... So I was like, I'm done one part of the exam, and I have time if u want to see my daughter, and he was I don't take LEFTOVERS, you have to sacrifice from your time... by the way, I was doing my final exams for MEDICINE....at one point my father in law called at home and was shouting at my mom for like an hour accusing her of taking my daughter away from them. AFter I was done my exams I called again, just for the sake of doing it right, and they still went on and on about how hurt they are, and they didn't want to see her and I left and came back to the UK without seeing her. what else was I supposed to do???

 

During my studies my sister in law has a phone call with  my husband. My husband ,then, calls me during my studying and shouts at me and calls me an indirect person who is keeping things from him and that I must go take my daughter to them or he'll call them to come TAKE HER to spend time with her, we are talking about 6 month baby who was breastfed every 4 hours, and just one meal of cereal a day...

 

After coming back to the UK we werent  talking to them for 4 months, and communication resumed just a few days ago... They were mad at him for not calling them...If I remember correcctly they werent answering any of our calls... the big thing that is making me write today for anyone to hear me, was this next sentence that they said to him: you are a useless husband, you should deal with your wife in a different way, we are your parents and you should force her to satisfy us...

 

For me , now , I feel threatened. If for any reason we don't do what pleases them, they will force him to turn against me...

 WHAT SHOULD I DO????? HELP.................

 

 

NOW IN EVERY OCCASION HE WANTS ME TO TALK TO THEM. HE WANTS ME TO MAKE EVERY STEP AND EFFORT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AFTER ALL THEY HAVE DONE TO US...A BIRTHDAY IS COMIING UP AND I KNOW WE WILL HAVE A BIG FIGHT BECAUSE I WON'T CALL AND SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY...I DON'T THINK I SHOULD CALL THEM BEFORE THEY MAKE AN APOLOGY..

I FEEL THAT I LOST MY ABILITY TO ESTIMATE SITUATIONS AND TAKE PROPER DECISIONS. IT IS DEFINETLY AFFECTING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

 

 

AND AGAIN WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  You really are stuck in the middle, aren't you?  It sounds like your husband isn't at all supportive of your mothering or your education.  He seems to be as dysfunctional as his parents are.  There really isn't anything you can do with people who are that far out--just avoid them and possibly get legal help.  I know it's easier said than done, though.

 

Your mind seems to be working just fine.  You're under a lot of pressure from unreasonable people.  I would definitely feel pressured if someone was threatening to take my six month old nursing baby away--even for a day. 

 

Ideally, it would be nice if you could do what feels right about the birthday situation.  Also, there seems to be no reason for you to make an apology to the parents.  They are way out of line and you are protecting your child.  If not apologizing means more abuse for you, then I don't blame you for doing it...do what you have to do.  In the long run, though, things need to change. 

 

Are you in counseling?  Have you learned much about abusive people?  There is a wonderful message board here, listed as Abuse, which is under the Marriage heading.  I hope that you'll check it out.

 

I'd say to ignore the in-laws, but your husband is all tied up in it and wants you to suppress your own needs to give the in-laws what they want.  It's wrong and you know that.  You might have to remove yourself from your husband, too, if he won't try to see it another way.  Will he go to counseling with you?  It sounds like he needs some individual counseling, too, for his abuse.  I call it abuse because it sounds like emotional and psychological abuse--maybe verbal, too.  Is he physically abusive?

 

By the way, how did your exams go?  These people managed to take a very stressful time (your taking medical exams, taking care of a six month old and nursing...) and made it horrendous for you.  They had no right to do that. 

 

If you have a SAFE e-mail and want to e-mail back and forth, you can list it in your profile and I will write to you.  Just leave a note here (reply) and tell me that you want to do that.  If you don't want to leave it there for long, just remove it after I get it. 

 

You're going to have to stand up for what is right and it's going to be a tough road.  I hope that you can get lots of help.  The abuse message board might be a good place to start--along with a counselor.  Also, check out drirene.com if you haven't seen it; it's regarding verbal abuse and has a message board, too.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

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