Messages By: figuritout

I'm feeling better, but then I started trying to catch up on everything I was behind on...so I will try to come back and write more to you tomorrow.  How is it going? 

Take care,

Figuritout

Carrtaylor, it sounds like you've done your best to care for your mother, and I think you need to trust your gut on this one and get help with your mom whether she realizes you need help or not.  You have divorce and employment issues to deal with, so it doesn't look like you'll have the time and energy to take care of your mom full-time.  I know how the guilt feelings creeps in, but you need to do what is best for BOTH of you without sacrificing yourself.  It might help to talk to a counselor, just to get help with your mixed feelings.

Do you have any siblings or other family members who will support you in your decision-making?  Have you checked out alternative housing for her yet?  They might have social workers on staff who can help both of you with the adjustment; I'd take their help if they're available. 

I noticed that you capitalized the first letter of "she" and "her" almost every time you mentioned your mother.  Do you have any idea why idea why you do that?  Sorry, it's a habit of mine to analyze everything to death; I hope it doesn't offend you.  Anyway, has she always been really controlling with you?

Good luck with this.  I am in a similar situation and can relate to some of what you're saying.  Your mom is lucky to have you looking out for her. 

I have to reply to each post separately because my memory isn't that great.

The in-laws don't sound like very nice people.  Do you think they enjoy pulling you into ridiculous conflicts, like the one about the sex of the baby?  Some people just like to fight; I can't imagine why. 

You mentioned being left out of many of the baby showers.  You did get to go to one, so that's good, but I see what you mean.  In my opinion, your son should have kept you informed about things, but at the same time, he may have had no control over the invitations to the baby showers.  Do you think your son and his attitudes are at the core of the problem?  Maybe he says rude things about you to the in-laws, so they don't respect you or want to spend time with you.  I've seen it happen in families.  Is your son the type to bad-mouth people?  Has his personality changed? 

I think that if your son really wanted you to see the baby, he would be trying harder.  Have you seen any evidence of that?  Does he support you at all when he's around the in-laws?  Do you think he's going along with them because of their financial control or something like that?  Are they bribing him?  Does he seem to like them?

While you're trying to work all this out, try not to use any words like "controlling" when referring to the in-laws.  You may very well be right about it, but it won't help you get what you want.  By being as kind and understanding as you can be, the behavior of the in-laws will show up even more in contrast and your son and DIL might see that you aren't so bad.  Let the in-laws make fools of themselves.  Eventually, the truth will come out.  Am I making any sense at all, or do my ideas sound a little crazy?

Have you seen the baby lately?

Wow, you have a lot of good things going for you--good communication, good sex, mutual attraction....  I think it's sad when people feel like they have to "give in" to sex.  It would be nice if you really wanted it.  I want to ask a few questions, if you don't mind. 

Are you using birth control pills or are you taking antidepressants or other drugs that might be lowering your sex drive/arousal?  Some of the drugs we take can ruin sex drive altogether.  When your husband touches you, do you eventually get physically aroused?  It sounds like you're emotionally open to sex, but you just don't get the urge--is that correct?

There are some herbal supplements that can help, but I don't know what they are.  I've just heard some people here mention them.  Also, you might want to have your hormones checked to see if something is out of balance.  See if they will check your testosterone, along with the "female" hormones.

That's all I can think of for now.

Good luck.

Wow, that was cruel of your husband not to go to the play!  It sounds like your husband is trying to punish you by giving you the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, or whatever you want to call it.  He's lowering himself to hurting the kids to hurt you, in an attempt to get you to put up with his "controlling ways."  Does he tend to use passive aggressive methods to control you?  I'd guess that he's waiting for you to become lonely or tired of the awkward silence so you will end it by going back under his thumb.  What do you think?  Does your husband do anything to try to improve the marriage? 

I'm so sorry to hear that he's not doing more with the kids.  It does sound like he's leaving you with more than your share of the responsibility.  He does work, right?  You mentioned being the bill payer.  What does he do with his income?  Do you work, too?  Does he help around the house at all?  Does he interact with the kids at all?

Have you ever wondered if life would be more pleasant if he would just move out?  Have you and your husband ever tried counseling?  If he won't go, I'd suggest going on your own.  It helps to have someone to talk to--someone who isn't out to punish you for speaking your mind.

There is no need to feel sorry for expressing yourself here.  That's what we all do and it's expected.  I think it's a very important step toward a more healthy life.

Hi Angel.  In my case, marriage and kids didn't ruin my sex drive at all.  I have always had a very high sex drive and that hasn't been affected by children or even a troubled marriage.  I'm talking about the physiological response, though, not the emotional part.  Sometimes, people don't want to have sex because they're feeling abused, neglected, etc.--and that might have nothing to do with their physical arousal.  Make sense?  The only time I noticed having trouble with arousal and orgasm was when I was on birth control pills, Depoprovera and Prozac.  I may have been on bc pills and Prozac at the same time, so maybe that's what did it.  I have heard of people having trouble with just one of the drugs, though.  It depends on the drug and the person.

The part I had the most trouble with was having a husband who had little-to-no interest in sex or any kind of intimacy.  My sex drive was fine, and still is, but it's really frustrating having a partner who isn't interested.  You might want to think about that if it's an issue already with your boyfriend.