Messages By: figuritout

I remember when you first came to the message board.  I've been away a lot since about that time, but I am here today.  I want to let you know that you have one more person praying for you and hoping that things go smoothly for you today--and every day. 

We all make mistakes with abusers.  Many of us let them back into our lives (yep...me, too).  However, we can learn from our mistakes and change what needs to be changed and move on.  I know that's easy to say and not always so easy to do, but it's something to strive for.  You'll get your life back and you will be fine.

I agree with what someone else said about fantasy.  I remember writing a lot about fantasy on this board a few years ago.  Some of the abusers stay in that world and get very annoyed at us for poking in with our "issues"--aka reality.  For so long, I tried not to annoy my abuser (emotional, etc, not physical), but I finally realized that was harmful to me mentally and physically.  As we get out of these messes, I'm sure we will feel better.

He's sulking about having to wash a mug?  Wow, they sure can be crybabies! 

Thinking of you,

Figuritout

Lyn became ill and passed away.  I'm sure she's watching over all of us right now :)

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's situation.  I don't know much about the law, so I can't help to make sense of the court's decision.

One thought--depending on the state/county, some courts have a family court with a family court facilitator who can give some basic information to someone needing to deal with a problem in the court system.  In my county, the fee is $25. 

Another idea--if she files for divorce, she might be able to freeze assets, etc, until the judge can divide them fairly.  Also, this would be the time to set up child support, etc. 

Do you know if she has checked various abuse support groups for names of lawyers and/or programs that provide free legal assistance (in addition to the one she used for the protection order)?  I know it's a long-shot, but maybe she will find someone who is willing to take her case.

I'm wondering if the legal aide attorney had time to dig up the dirt on this guy.  Did he have prior convictions or anything that might interest the court?  If so, was it all presented?

I'm just throwing out ideas, wishing I had an answer for you.  Good luck with this.

Well, I hate to admit it, but I haven't even been lurking.  I was focused on ending my marriage and getting through that mess.  It's finally over and now I am rebuilding.  For those who don't know, I didn't deal with physical abuse; it was more (I won't say "just") emotional abuse--including his narcissistic behavior and rejection of every type--oh, and the financial game-playing and not being a parent to his own children....  Okay, I could go on forever, but I won't.

I won't get too specific (I'm still paranoid about him finding my notes here), but rebuilding includes going back to school and trying to start over socially. 

How are you doing? 

I'm sad to hear of your situation.  I agree with everthing that Help7979 said to you.  

I know that it's natural for most of us to wonder how much we contributed to a bad situation--because we are conscientious beings.  I'm not so sure the same thing can be said about your (ex?) BF.  Do you think that his heart is breaking?  Do you think that if only he could come back, he would do everything differently?  My guess is that his heart is hardening and he is thinking up tactics to use to induce guilt and make his way back into your life.  Just my guess.

May I ask what you would change about yourself that would make everything okay?  If he came back tonight, what would you do to make things right?  How hard would you have to work in your attempt to prove to him that you are worthy of love and respect?  Would you have to compromise your values?  How about your soul?

You said that you screwed things up.  How do you think you did that?  Did you question him?  Did you not trust him? 

I've broken up with men who were jerks and knew I was doing the right thing--and at the same time I cried my eyes out and wondered if I could have done anything differently.  I wondered if he would have been nicer if I had been smarter or prettier or whatever.  We don't need to be perfect to be loved.  You know that, right? 

I actually understand what you are saying in your last line.  You "wish he would come back, and we (italics mine) could do it differently, I could be different."  Well, if "we" are going to do it differently, that means he has to change his ways--not just you.  If he was to change for the better,  you could act in a more loving way--but how likely is it that he will take the initiative and change?  How many chances has he had to do that?  How many times do you want to try?

I hope that you are feeling stronger now.  I hope that you were just having a weak moment or day when you wrote.  Please keep us posted.  We do care about you and your son.