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Messages By: bear_ta

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December 10, 2006, 1:14 pm PST

It's all about control

Quote From: violetmay

The story hasn't aired yet, but I can sort of relate to Joyce's situation as described in the blurb about the show. Maybe something happened in the first Christmas of her marriage that turned her off to it? I was married to a man who berated me mercilessly for the money I spent (which was well within our ability to afford) on Christmas ornaments and a tree for our first Christmas. He insisted Christmas was "just another day" and often refused to buy presents and only joined in the festivities when seriously prodded to do so. I did Christmas every year for the kids, but his attitude permanently ruined the holiday for me. After 13 years, I divorced him (20 years ago) but to this day, I cannot summon up the joy I had in Christmas that first year we were married.

 

Maybe something happened in Joyce's first married Christmas that permanently spoiled it for her?

Why would you let someone control your life like that? My ex hated Christmas and tried to ruin it... I laughed at the the idiot ,and told him to bugger off and grow up. No one controls me.
 
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December 11, 2006, 4:38 pm PST

righteous indignation works for me.

Quote From: ceildh1

Okay, this seems petty but I NEED advice....

My BIL likes to come across the country ( he's in BC and I am on the East Coast of Canada), and surprise us.

I HATE SURPRISE VISITORS, I truly do, and I have explained this to him, calmly and rationaly, and so has my husband, but he dosen't get it.

Everyone has told me, " he knows it bothers you, that's why he does it ."

So can someone explain what kind of sick plesure it give a person to do this ?  Even AFTER it has been explained  ?  He figures the rest don't mind, so I have to get over it,ARGHHH.

He also likes to tell us how are kids should be raised, church ( my husband and I are agnostic at best), school ( one is a straight A student the other dyslexic but pulling B's), and everything else, he's childless.

I DREAD the holidays because of him, I know I shouldn't let him have that power over me, but it really hurts to know he has ZERO respect for me or my feelings.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

 I figured out a long time ago that to allow someone to control my feelings means that I must enjoy the pain. That made me angry. I am too stubborn to allow someone to control me in any way. Instead of getting hurt try some righteous indignation.
 
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December 11, 2006, 4:50 pm PST

you know what they say about assume

Quote From: freesia83

Why do you assume those who don't make huge deals out the holidays are the ones that need to behave?  I've gone along with it for years; shopping, dinners, school functions and such (FI done the same with his family) and have been polite but it is never enough. You get accused of not caring about family and that is not fair and very hurtful which prepetuates the negative feelings even more. Holidays can bring the best out in some, the worst and selfish behavior in others.


First of all I assumed nothing. I reacted with a statement not an assumption. I never once even inferred a 'huge deal' should be made of Christmas. I stated that you do things that you don't necessarily like for people you love, and if you can't to remove  yourself for the sake of those you love. It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy. If people notice that you are not happy you are obviously not making a very good effort. If you cannot find the joy in being with loved ones when they are happy there is something seriously wrong. People that cannot behave and are so miserable that they kill the joy going on around them are people that need help, and need to be avoided unless and until they can behave.
 
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December 12, 2006, 6:04 am PST

Try and focus

Quote From: freesia83

You keep saying behave. Is going along with everyone not behaving? Being nice and civil is not behaving? I am pleased to spend time with family each time I see them, holidays are no different. If one's not being excited is killing someone else's joy then maybe they should focus elsewhere than on a single person.

You say maybe you don't try hard enough to "behave". Maybe they are not trying hard enough to understand where you are coming from and realize the other party is doing this BECAUSE they love you. It works both ways.

If the rampant commercialism, crowds of people, and the feelings of obligation were less prominant I think the holidays would be tolerable. Due to all the factors above, it makes the season stressful and the way to not add that frivilous stress to your life is to simply step away. Right now FI and I are in it deep because we are choosing to only go to the larger family dinner on Christmas Day and spend Christmas Eve on our own with a gourmet Italian meal and wine for two. Somehow this is causing controversy in the family.

It is not fair that someone kills someone else's joy

It is also not fair that my own family members call me a bitch because I don't find the holidays particularly interesting either. So do you think they are entitled to treat me that way simply because I don't believe what they do? Then when I do feel it is best to remove myself from the situation it is changed to selfish bitch. Sorry, I tried to do what I could to keep the peace, it didn't work, I give up.

You seem to have rather large problems. Reading comprehension seems to be at the top of the list. At no time have I directed a single comment at you. I have no idea who you are. You seem to have a large chip on your shoulder as well. I do not let people control me the way you seem to. My family would never call me such a degrading name. I guess that is why I enjoy the holidays so much. Obviously people that call others names are not behaving. I was not using the word 'behave' in regards to people with such an atrocious lack of civility, but rather people that are grumpy. I would have nothing to do with people such as you describe. I would also allow no one to ruin my life, my holidays or my joy. I do not allow people to control me, but then again I don't come from a family that behaves that way either. I am terribly sorry you have such a rough life.

 
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December 12, 2006, 6:13 am PST

Have a very Zenny Christmas

Stress. Commercialism. Crowds.

Why do you buy into all the bad things around Christmas? Why do you allow outside forces to control you? I live in the world like everyone else, and none of that has ever touched me or my Christmas. Christmas is my happy place... I absolutely refuse to let the Scroogey forces enter my world!

 

I hope everyone realises that I use the word "you" in the general sense.

 
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December 13, 2006, 7:14 am PST

Well said.

Quote From: purplepenny

(First off, I'm an atheist and I celebrate Christmas.)

Secondly sounds like one of two things is happening here. Either you are lying to yourself about how you ACTUALLY behave. OR your live around complete ass****s.

I cannot imagine being rude to someone who is honestly being respectful of my joy and my celebration.

I CAN however imagine someone pouting and being negative and then going off pretending they did nothing wrong.

I agree. Well said.

I am also an atheist that celebrates all the Christian holidays as it is my culture. It's all about family. Whether you believe in god or not it all started because of the birth of a baby and the celebration that ensued. I don't believe in the divinity of all the hoopla, but the in the 2000 years of traditions that followed. Merry Christmas.

 
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December 13, 2006, 7:38 am PST

Merry Christmas

Quote From: nessahope

Christmas is all about the birth of Our Lord and Savior. Listen to Mary did you know by Clay Akins I think it is. I heard it the other day. I am one who has a problem with the holidays because I suffer for depression. This time of year really brings it out. I don't know why. Anyway, since becoming a christian, I have gotten alot better. This song really opened new things in my heart. I can't explain it, just give it a listen........ God Bless and Merry Christ-Mas Nessa
I'm glad you are starting to feel better. Whatever works for you is a good thing. Christmas is all about family, and love and warmth. One doesn't need to believe in god to love the holidays because it's a part of the culture we belong too. Another part of the culture we come from is freedom.Freedom of thought, conscience, and religion, that includes freedom from religion. Have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, lots of Valentines, and chocolate at Easter.
 
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December 13, 2006, 8:12 am PST

Merry Christmas

Quote From: marcone69

I don't celabrate this holiday at all i agree with her 100%.  Where is the respect for those who don't  care abouth this holiday.   Noybody really celeabrates the holiday for the right reasons anymore so whats the BIG DEAL!!!!!

Respect for people that don't care about love, warmth, peace, and family? Hmmm OK. I respect everyone until they give me reason not too.

I detest it when people make blanket statements; it shows a distinct lack of reasoning.

 

 'Noybody really celeabrates the holiday for the right reasons anymore...'

 

How do you know what everyone is doing and or thinking? Are you an authority on "right reasons?" I have never been caught up in commercialism in my entire life, so that blows away your theory. Time to rethink. Find the joy in everything. Life it too short to miss a single opportunity for happiness; that's the BIG DEAL!!!!!!

 
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December 13, 2006, 5:36 pm PST

12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

Quote From: mrsaj514

I must say that people have whacked the flying crap out of the meaning of Christmas, and I truly mean that in a sincere way.  Purplepenny is right, jesusislord is right, and so are the rest of us! Christmas means what it will to each of us individually; it is either a holy season for some, a time to splurge for others, and possibly a time for tradition for someone else- a beautiful time to just  do what the heck you will and feel good about whatever - yourself, your country, your family, your children, etc, etc, et FREAKING cetera!!  Although I'M ESTATIC (as you can see), there are some people (say, JOYCE) who want to be a cry baby Scrooge no matter what you try and do, but don't let those humbugs or the Herbie the Elf in your life get you down! That's what painfully heavy snowballs are for - target practice (or you can spike the egg nog, that'll get Jacob Marley's chains to rattle)! I love you all on this annoyingly beige message board, and I wish you all the goodies you could ever get in your stocking this year!  Merry - Chrihannahkwanza!

I gotta hand it to ya... whacked flying crap and Christmas are damned hard to use in a sentence... well done... well said... absolutely accurate.
 
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December 14, 2006, 8:16 am PST

12/13 Holiday Horror Stories

Quote From: sandpiper1

I disagree.

 

Much progress has been made over the years...eye opening experiences...it is called growth.

 

But...by the same token....non believers need to just do their own thing and refuse to engage if that is their choice.  No one 'MAKES'' anyone become involved.

 

I didn't watch the sisters, but the MOM....she was a MOTHER...she accepted a gift that she did not like there fore she reverted to a child like trantrum disregarding her entire family's feelings, she is not a leader, she is not a mentore, she is an example of a damaged or selfish individual that has no ability to reason and rise above her circumstance a quarter of a decade ago.

 

I find her to be quite selfish and strange.  Dr. Phil was not trying to 'convert'her....he was trying to descrooge her and she willingly showed up.

 

BUT...this IS America...In God we Trust is on our money....in the beginning that IS why the settlers came here.  Now....it is  being abused and manipulated and you want to say we are not moving away from ''norms''...come on.  Inform yourself.

 

1/4 of a century..

 

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