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October 18, 2005, 10:02 am CDT

It is a a choice

Quote From: amytuori

 It really irks me when ppl say they are choosing to adopt when they can't have any kids.  Choosing to adopt is when you can have have kids but are unselfish and decide to adopt.  Ppl who can't have kids who adopt have no other chose but adoption. 

you sound very judgemental with that one little paragraph.  I have a biological son and 2 adopted daughters.  I could not have any other children and yes, "I DID CHOOSE TO ADOPT".  How can you know what is involved in the choices people make.  For us, we had the choice to not adopt and have 1 child, adopt and have more children, or try infertility treatments to have more biological children.  Your statement makes it sound like you think adoptive parents are selfish!  They are just like anyone else - they want children.  I adopted from China and most people tell me how much they admire me and how wonderful it was that we did this.  My response is that I adopted because I wanted a child just like everyone else.  I was not doing some heroic deed by giving a child a home.  If I was selfish I would take the credit they try to give me and run with it.  Watch how you phrase things without too much explanation.  Someday you may say that and a young adopted child or teen may hear you and start to think that maybe their parents would give them back if they got pregnant or had other options.  I can tell you that my adopted children are completely loved and wanted as much as my biological son.  The process and emotions we went through to have our daughters was so much larger and emotional than our son and just filled our hearts up with love for them all.
 
October 31, 2005, 10:20 am CST

be careful

Quote From: kbscrapper

This gets my BP up every time!! I really think that we give our kids too much now a days. I think part of it is because we have more then our parents did but when do you draw the line? I have a SD who is 8 and she gets whatever she wants from her mom. Granted Mom has the money to give it to her but DH and I don't. We barely get by. So how do you find the middle ground?? Last Christmas she complained that her little sister got more then she did from us. Yeah she may have but she she does not get 3 christmases like her big sister does, AND she plays with her toys. Everything I buy for her seems to just sit on a shelf. I actually gave some of her unopened toys away last year.  

She didn't even care!!  

  

Even though your step daughter gets so much from her mom I would not buy her less from you guys.  Her father needs to show no favoritism and to her it would appear that way if her sister gets more.  I don't think you should punish her for what her mom is doing.  I am not talking about her feeling the need for stuff but to a child seeing a sibling get more stuff would be taken as getting more love.
 
November 7, 2005, 6:09 pm CST

Look at ourselves forst

First, I am a very happily married woman and have been so for 14 years.  My comment is about looking to put blame on the other partner.  First, I recognize that sometimes one is more at fault and also that I cannot and am not talking about these relationships on the show specifically since I cannot know all details from the show.  However, I would like to comment that it seems that in a sour relationship one is always ready to put blame on the other and call them names and point out only their wrongs.  I know from my marriage that often I need to address how I respond to my husband.  Sometimes I get very critical of him and in doing so his faults stand out like they are horrible.  When I step back and look at how small and unimportant the things are that I criticize him about I have to address my own responses in our relationship.  Often, his response can be adjusted just by changing mine.  What I am trying to say is that if there is stress in a relationship maybe the best way to first address it is by changing the only thing that we can, our own participation and responses.  Most likely, there is something that we are doing wrong too.  Mutual respect has to come from both sides!  If one is not giving respect and love then don't expect to get it back.  If I put my husband on the spot all the time then the only reaction I will get from him is defensive and it will gorw from there.  Don't treat relationships as one sided.  Also, don't think that 50:50 is the same for everyone.  I believe a 50:50 relationship does not mean exactly that everything is split down the middle.  What works for one couple would not work for another.  50:50 should not only take into account what is done at home.  I am a stay at home mom and do much more than my husband at home but I would not trade it for the stress he is under at work.  Everything does not have to be split down the middle it just has to work for the couple.  These are just 2 things that always bother me when I hear couples who are having trouble telling their stories.
 
November 7, 2005, 6:21 pm CST

to Nichole

Quote From: niclee

Hi this is Nichole again from the show.  My husband and I were the blue team.  If you would have told me 6 years ago that Tom and I would have been married today I would have that you were lying to me.  Tom and I overcame several obstacles before we got married.  I know our relationship is not perfect and I can honestly say that I am 200% a mom.  I forget to be a 28 year old woman, and I definitely forget to be a wife.  Our life changed upside down when we had our son.  I decided to stay home and be a homemaker.  This has really changed me.  Before, when it was just our daughter, it was easy to find a sitter.  Grandma's,  aunts, friends, but with two it get harder and more expensive if you have to pay for a sitter.  This has slowed down the time that Tom and I spend together.  We use to have so much fun, and we could laugh for hours.  We had so much in common and I just loved him so much.  After our son I feel EXHAUSTED!  Being a stay at home mom is busier than any job I have EVER had in the past.  It is however the most rewarding.  But at the end of the day I'm tired and I'm ready to relax so I do push my husband away.  It's not because I hate him, it's because I've had children on my all day long so I just want my own personal space.  This has damaged our relationship severely.  Dr. Phil told us after the show that we were the inspiration for the trips.  I kept insisting that Tom and I do not take out enough time alone together.  Tom and I get along very well when we do not have the children.  Because, I can be just a wife, and not a mom at that second.  Please realize that I believe we argue because of our added stresses, and not because we don't love each other.  The trip to California gave us a great opportunity to have time alone, and reflect where our marriage has gone sour.  This has also given us the strength to know that we do love each other, we are being selfish when it comes to our children and YES we do love each other.  Our feelings for each other have changed over the years.  I use to be the one who wanted to be with him so bad, and I would do anything for us to be married.  He played me for 3 years, and when I finally picked myself up and realized I will live and be a good mom with or without him, he decided he wanted to be married.  We do go through couseling together, obviously not enough.  Since we've been married he has been the one who always wants to be with me and I feel like I'm playing with him.   I guess you want so badly something you feel you can't get.  I know I have told Tom that I regret marrying him, but that has been said out of bitter feelings and retaliation.  I always regret it when I say something mean, and I don't even know why it comes out of my mouth.  That is why I asked Dr. Phil to help, because we just need advice, counseling, and time to reconnect with each other again.  Since this show I feel like I have been in a mourning stage.  I am mourning for what I once thought our life was going to be like and now that we see what it is it saddens me.  The first step was admitting our flaws, and I'm so proud of my husband to actually admit what he has done was wrong.  Tom is a good person, he makes bad decisions and then he always redeems himself.  I know our relationship is headed in the right direction because my husband cares enough to say "we need help".    We are both in it for the long haul.  I hope that we can be on Dr. Phil 10, 20, even 50 years from now thanking him for his help!! 

  

I hope the two of you make a good decision and don't get married just for the children.  I do feel that sometimes we made choices for the children instead of ourselves.  I know you love your fiancee' and only God will make the right decision.  Pray about this and give him your problem and walk away.  He will make the right decision.  I prayed about our marriage and told God, "there is nothing left I can do alone, please send my marriage in the right direction."  Two days later the producers of the show called and asked us to be on the show.  I was so shocked and stunned and I realized that God did not give up on our marriage so I couldn't either. 

  

Good luck to you!! 

  

Nichole 

I have been happily married for 14 years and am a stay at home of mom of 3.  I know what you mean about just needing time for yourself and maybe not wanting to put time into your relationship at the same time your spouse does because you are tired.  However, sometimes it can end up being relaxing for you.  For example, all of my children have been sick for over a week and my husband was travelling so I was doing everything.  We have no family around us to help.  My husband called me Friday night and said "Do you want to go out to eat"?  He meant all of us because he missed the kids.  I almost siad no and told him to take the kids out because I just wanted to sit and relax.  But I knew he was trying to do something for me because he thought I would need to get out of the house so I said yes.  I did it to not hurt his attempt to take care of me.  We ended up having a great time and by the time we got home I was very relaxed.  What I am saying is that sometimes we have to really put an effort in to do something for our relationship that at the time we think we don't want to do.  Sometimes doing something for the other spouse can trigger a nice relaxed atmosphere that we did not expect.  Giving up your time for your spouse can often come back to you as a reward.  When I do extra things for my husband I notice that he does more for me.
 
November 17, 2005, 6:50 am CST

I always worried about sending kids off on trips

Boy, these stories make me even more determined that I will not give my kids trips for graduation or spring breaks and such.  I always thought that even the best of kids could have trouble on them and now I see it can happen.  I just don't think they have the maturity yet to permit such trips.  I know this kind of thing could happen to anyone though.  Don't get me wrong, I do not think Natalies family is to blame.  Absolutely not!  They were just doing something nice for their daughter.  Boy, what a shame that something so simple as a vacation can turn out so wrong.  My heart goes out to these poor families and these girls.  I hope that they find them not only for their sake but also for the sake of others.  Bringing it out into the open by actually finding these girls can be a devastating blow for these countries who pretend it does not happen.  Hopefully that could make a huge difference because travel would slow and therefore their financial status would too, resulting in maybe new and tougher laws regarding these things.
 
November 17, 2005, 10:05 am CST

I meant unsupervised trips

Quote From: judyblue22

I hope you don't act on your statement that you won't allow your children to travel.  At some point they will travel without sitting in Mom's lap.  If they are completely inexperienced when that happens, they will be very vulnerable. Supervised group trips are one of the best ways to prepare them safely for that transition.   

  

Yes, my children will go eventually but not on teenage trips without good supervision.  I will not be sending them on trips without supervision as teens with my money and they will not be going with their own until they are of an age that I cannot say no.  We put too much confidence in our children today and think they can reason as adults when in their teens and they cannot.  As doctor Phil and his experts say, even as teens when they appear to be adults, their brains are not fully developed in the logical reasoning area.  GOOD supervision even as teens is necessary.  They also do not need to do anything they want.  We still can say no.
 
November 17, 2005, 10:10 am CST

another response

Quote From: judyblue22

I hope you don't act on your statement that you won't allow your children to travel.  At some point they will travel without sitting in Mom's lap.  If they are completely inexperienced when that happens, they will be very vulnerable. Supervised group trips are one of the best ways to prepare them safely for that transition.   

  

Also, I have no fear of travelling I just believe that children - yes, teens are that, need supervision or they will not learn how to manage the world.  We travel a lot in the US and have been to China with our eldest son.  These message boards are hard to communicate with as is all writing because no matter what you write it sounds like something different to those reading it.
 
December 1, 2005, 7:03 am CST

how sad

My heart goes out to this family of Justin and to him.  I think I am pretty in tune to my son who is 12 now but this makes you wonder how much I will miss and not take note of.  None of us can be perfect parents and none of us can control everything and everyone our children come in contact with but hopefully my husband and I will be in tune to our children enough to recognize negative influences early.  We encourage time with us like playing games and such but it gets difficult when they get to my sons age because they think doing that stuff with parents is not cool!  But it sure is important to do it with them.  To any parents having problems with their children, God bless you and thank you for sharing with all of us so that it makes us all think about our relationships with our kids and how we can make them better.
 
December 1, 2005, 11:46 am CST

I don't know how you can help

Quote From: reinise

Dear, Dr. Phil 

 I have A friend that has a drinking problem. I feel that she will lose everything that she has before she will admit that she needs more help then just going to  AA . That is a start but I know she is just going because she got a drunk driving.(3rd time). She thinks this will keep her out of jail. So to me she not seeing the big picture. I try to tell her that she needs more but she is okay with just the AA meetings. Can you tell me what I can do to help her. Thank you  

I don't know how anyone can help an adult who won't admit to a problem.  My father drank heavily my entire childhood.  He did not stop drinking until my brother, at the age of 23, was killed in a motor vehicle accident by a drunk driver.  My father now does not touch any alcohol at all.  The closest he comes to it is an occasional non-alcoholic beer.  He never spoke to us about his drinking and we are not comfortable talking to him because he gets hurt so easily.  He does not like to discuss the faults of our family - you know how the older generations are at times.  Plus, because of the drinking we grew up afraid and uncomfortable with our dad.  He is a great dad and grandfather now but I will never be close to him.  I have too many insecurities from my childhood to try to talk to him.  I just am glad our relationship is better today.   I know he feels very guilty about it.  But it is very sad to say that it took my brother's death to stop my father's drinking. 
 
December 6, 2005, 8:36 pm CST

I agree

Quote From: jmmjhm

I just LOVE Dr. Phil and Robin, and have even been in the audiance, but some of the recent shows have been a "stretch".  I remember years back, I wouldn't miss an Oprah show and now rarly watch her.  I still think that she is a wonderful person, I just don't like her show.  I am hoping that this doesn't happen with the Dr. Phil show.  I, personally, don't like a lot of frivolity on the show and think that Dr. Phil should stick with being Dr. Phil.  I do understand that it is hard to do a good show 5 days a week and make it interesting and something that all will like.  I just happen to think that in the beginning of the shows, it was a lot more interesting finding out about people and how Dr. Phil could help them out.  Now, it seems like it is more of a "show" and sometimes silly and not my taste.  I know that you can't please all the people all of the time, but wish that the shows would get back to the way they were in the begining.
I agree with you.  It seems like the show is getting too frivolous more often.  I went through the same thing with Oprah.  I rarely watch it now.  I am starting to do the same with Dr Phil.  I used to watch because it made me think about my own average life and my actions.  Now, it is way too far out there sometimes.  I think it even goes too far out there regarding sex lives and such.  One thing I really wish is that Dr PHil would make a regular effort to remind people that his show should not be watched by children most of the time.  It makes me a little mad when I see children on the show who "love" dr phil and never miss his show.  Children should not be watching this show.  Dr Phil should be reminding people of this.
 

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