Messages By: amazonsole

 I'd love to have a date but it isn't my life nor does it occcupy every waking thought of my mind, it didn't in High School either.  Now love, that's what I most hope to find, the real two way street I've seen.  It would enhance me and my life.  I live my life grateful and happily as I go.  I keep my eyes open for opportunities to love while I live my life.  There are so many pictures of what love looks like.  I don't live my life to find someone to fix it or me.  I'm glad to be who I am and where I am at in my life and that I've waited until now to be ready to make room in my life for someone special, a mate/partner/best friend.  Should love come nobody would be happier for me than my self and my 2 best friends, should it elude me it wouldn't change a thing. 

  I've lived and loved, loved and lost and learned it's the greatest challenge to learn to really live.  I've loved and found the wonders in this life I can only express have humbly  fulfilled me beyond any possible expectation I ever dreamt.  I'm grateful to have had the love I've known, and the loss that goes with it.  Now I'm ready for a new challenge and hopeful to learn more about loving smart to weed thru the possibilities quicker while I keep moving forward.  

Though I was a victim of sexual abuse, pornography, and sold to the highest bidder from the time I was 4 until 17, lost everything that really matters in life, love, children, and family,  I know the power is mine to make my self a real survivor or let the past bury me.  I chose life long ago and every day.  My only regret is that I can't go back in time and tell that horrifically tortured child I once was that she had the power all along, especially when she was being brutally programmed to think the way the abusers wanted me to during insane torture sessions.  Because I can't change the past I will live with it in all the unvarnished truth, deal with it and all my feelings, and be that advocat now.  I have power in my voice, in my roar, and in my heart's willingness to continue to love. 

  

To all abusers of my life I feel pity, occassionally some anger if grief work is unfinished, and sadness that someone can be so twisted to torment a child sexually and betray the most sacred trust so recklessly as if it means nothing. 

  

Every abuser in the world better watch out, the world is waking up to thier schemes and scams and their days are numbered! 

  

Thanks Dr. Phil and Staff for a seriously striking show. 

Dear thetikihut:  I'll be honest with you but realize it won't be easy to hear.  If you want stop reading now. 

  You never get over this type of assult.  It changed you at the most  fundamental primal level.  The good news is that YOU CAN learn to live WITH it.  It will not haunt you forever unless you allow it to.  Right now you have profound reason to protect you child from you brother, DO SO without remorse.  He is to be feared only with a child.  You as an adult can protect your child and are doing precisely that. 

  I'm so sorry your mother didn't protect you when she should have.  There is no excuse for her behavior only a truth I learned with my own.  I too confided the secret in my mother, only it was my father abusing me, and she crumbled before my eyes as if vacating her own heart and steeling herself against an overwhelming tsunami of emotion she couldn't deal with.  She had no skills for what faced her and I suffered well into my early 40's for it until one day I realized with the aid of a good friend a simple fact of life.  "We all do the very best we can with what we have inside of us to use in moments like this that try us.  This is when our metal is revealed."  Suddenly I saw my mother as a real person and I was able to let go, after a few seriously hard months of grief work, of wanting her to be what she didn't have in her to be.   She was easier to deal with from then on, though I still had to remind her of the truth and I would never again be silent about it or keep it secret. 

  I have faith you too will find your own way thru this.  That is the real key to living with it, you find what works for you and then do it; finally one day you will look back and realize you did it.  I will hold the faith for you that you will find your own path to this place until the day you get there.  A stranger did this for me and it helped me believe there was an end to the misery.  There is and now I'm passing this on when I can.  I hope you will do the same one day for someone else. 

  I'm very proud of you for being the mother you didn't have; you deserve a lot of credit for that!  Please let your self feel it.  Your metal has been revealed and you have gold in your soul!  I see it. 

  This eventful aspect of your life will bother you but it will also settle and find its place just as all things do.  The time it takes to get there deserves to be taken with reverence and all the powerful emotion you hold within.  In time you will feel it so completely there won't be anything left of it.  That's the silver linning about feeling something, when you feel it all it transforms and finds its place.  Then you live with peace again.  You can believe this.  I have lived it! 

  Keep a copy of this when you feel weary.  I care.  God bless: Amazonsole 

  Upsflyin may be quoting me (amazonsole) but I believe she missed the point.  I said you never get over this kind of  assault however, it is paramount of importance for you to hear the rest of the point I made, you can live with it and do so very well indeed.  Life can seem to end for a time with the recovery of memories and flashbacks while you are in them, and for a long time after.  That is not the end of the story of your life.  You can choose to change the final outcome and heal and move on with your life intact, love your self, like whom you fight to become, and be stronger and filled with self-esteem in the end of the process.  You will find peace if you are willing to work for it.  Healing is a process and a powerful part of that is grieving what was, what should've been, and what should never be but IS. 

  Upsflyin had some good points about therapy and getting help, pacing your way thru the process.  My experience is in complete agreement but I honor the fact that you are the one doing all the work.  You are the one that must change you and your thought processes to become more than you ever dreamt you could be.  The point is you can do it and I have faith in you.   

  I've been thru it all and back again, every form of abuse there is.  I've even gone thru the deaths of my children and found a way, 20 years later, to live with it and their absence.  I ask all the hard questions and seek my answers then use them to change my life for the better.  I don't ask why so much as I ask what can I learn about my self and life thru every experience I get my self into. You can do it too.  My point is that no matter what happens to you in the past, or the present for that matter, you can do more than survive it, you can thrive thru it and in fact because of it.  I do the work daily to stay on course to stay healthy and deal appropriately emotional with everything I encounter.  I'll be honest it is never easy; it is just worth all the effort I put into it.  And I know it will be for you also. 

  You deserve more than you know.  You are special in a very good way.  I'll hold that thought for you as well until you too find a path to believe it, and can do this for yourself. 

  I encourage you to search my other responses.  Thru them you will learn to know me. 

  My heart and prayers are with you. Amazonsole 

  

  

Upsflyin : 

  I am amazed you drew this particular conclusion from something so minimal of an account of my life and who I am.  I am truly saddened you came to the conclusion I feel therapy is "something to be avoided".   

  I think and feel The very point of therapy is to learn to do it for your self to your self, apply it every moment of every day in every situation so that you become your own best therapist to solve your own problems rather than relying on someone else to help you figure it out all the time.  I've learned  to trust my reality, and value others though not to the exclusion of my own.  This is certainly not to say I have no use for therapists, they have thier place at all times.  But not every waking moment of my life belongs to them any more.  I'm certain you have your own path with them and without them; your business not mine.  I believe in counsel when it is needed and advice, confidents, and people willing to tell me the unvarnished truth at all times.  I expect this of my self. 

  Thanks to years of intense work with several different therapists, and several types of therapy,  I learned how to be my own best friend, and rarely need to pay someone to help me figure out where I stand or what I need, or how to solve my issues.  I do not feel the need  to explain why I feel as I do only that what I say is born of experience from my own perception of experience.  I expect that to be respected. 

  I am truly saddened you could not take a supportive message meant for someone else as simply that, instead feeling you had to comment upon my words.  Your support was given in your own unique view and style.  I can honor that.  Your remarks didn't appear to honor mine, nor does the asumption of my unwritten views on therapy. 

  I understand this is a Messageboard of support.  A trickey thing it is to give support, it can sound like advice or presumption.  My intent is to be clear and give support.  I'd appreciate it if you would cease to quote me to others and desist assuming anything about me or my views.  Simply ask me where I stand, or don't. 

  I certainly relate to some of what you have lived thru and honor your personal experiences.  You have lived a lot and worked thru many issues.  I hear much anger in some of your writings.  For the pain behind that anger I am so sorry.  You didn't deserve any of this nor to continue living thru it.  I'm glad you have found ways to heal and received help from professionals that made a difference in your path thru life.  I pray it gives you the real quality in life you deserve, that joy is yours.  It appears to me, given your history here and your education and obvious learned opinions on many subjects, that your life is already more than you dreamt it would be and you became more than you ever thought you would.  I applaud you!  I am glad you survived.  I hope that extends itself to thriving, at least it sounds like you might be.   

   

  

  

  

  This is probablly one of the toughest of all shows to do under the complexities inherient with such a violent crime.  I'm certain, judging from Dr. Phil's past behaviors, that this isn't over by a long shot!

  It is with the utmost respect for all parties concerned, short on compassion for 'John', that I say to Heidi, I am so very sorry this happened to you.  I'm sorry you are not alone in this devastatingly violent change of who you were.   I understand your attitude, your pain, your anger, and your shock.  I've walked in your shoes.  It may not mean much but I do get it, all of it.  You have a right to feel as indignant as you do and angry.   I know the answers you got today weren't what you may have wanted or needed.  They were the sadest of all answers, no progress in finding out if there is anything there with which to have any relationship with your mother.

  The moment I heard Susan I knew what was going to happen.  I've heard the same words, all the right excuses to make it about her and not whom it was about, you Heidi.  I'm sorry she did that.  If she knew how to hear you maybe she would, but it is doubtful over the din of her own guilt and self absorbed pains she could.  I hope and pray for you that you will live to see a healthier conclusion to your need for answers than today was able to get you.

  In the meantime Heidi, live well and keep working your healing process in and out of thearpy.  Time will help you find the last pieces you seek and make you strong enough to deal with whatever that may be, even if the answers never change.  Just because I never heard those 3 precious words, even on my mother's death bed, doesn't mean you never will.  As long as there is life there is hope, even if it doesn't seem like it.

  The day came I saw my mother, whom blamed me and allowed my father to sell me to the highest bidder right here in the good ole USA, as a flawed and very real person.  I suddenly saw a reason to pity her as she shrouded herself in her own pain, too fearful of responsibility to own up to what she did to my life and how it would and has changed me.  That was my process, not necessarily yours.  I won't excuse anything she did nor what it has cost me that occassionally still angers me from time to time, and takes a few days to unravel.  Ultimately this path I took led me back to loving her for who she was, not what she did or didn't do.  I like her with feet of clay much better.  Now I'm my own best champion and protector, and I don't need anyone's approval any more.

  I don't know what you need Heidi but I pray you recieve it more than what you think you want.  Needs are so much better than desires when you get down to it.

  God Bless you all!

  Thanks Dr. Phil you did the tough thing again for all the world to see, the right thing.  I know you will follow thru with this case because you don't sink your teeth into anything you don't finish.  I appreciate all your hard work and considerable thought into how you will handle 'John's' public admition of guilt.  By the way you are so right, there are more victims of his.  Petaphiles never stop until they are forced to!  Go get him!

 

I can certainly understand any parent being fed up and telling their fighting children they will throw them to the curb.  I can certainly relate to needing to follow thru so they get the point that enough is enough.

I'll never understand any parent that will put their kids out of the car and drive off, EVEN if it is only around the block!

I'd make mine sit on that curb and double park if I had to until they decided we are not moving one inch until they stop and listen to me, thier mother.  I'd sit there with them in my sight at the cost of getting a ticket if I had to, or towed away.  THEIR SAFETY MUST COME FIRST!  That is a mother's job!

I took my job as a mother that seriously and I loved them enough to put them before my own needs.  I now do the same thing with dogs I train.  I make time for me when I can but in the midst of childhood you only get ONE opportunity for a moment to make your children's lives really good or to be a moment to haunt them forever.  Driving off tells those children one thing, when the chips are down "I can't trust you to still be there."  Or worse, "I'm the reason she doesn't want me." could play in their heads for the rest of their lives.

Do Not put the mother in jail.  Teach her the consequences of what she says and does to her children, and how she behaves is modeling behaviors for them which have an INDELIBLE IMPACT.  You have to choose which one you want it to be.  Then get creative in your solution.

Each child is different just as every animal is different.  Every crime isn't a perfect little box with an easy answer.  Be creative with dicipline but always be consistent.  If you are inconsistent  once the kid and the animals know you don't mean it so why should they listen.  This is one of the first things we teach our children, cause and effect.  We teach them who we are, whether we mean what we say and/or say what we mean. 

Life offers no second chances unless a good samaritan does save the day.  For Heaven's sake please learn from whatever experience you get.  We all do dumb things and only some of the time get caught at it.  Count your blessings!  Pay attention to what you are doing, then act exquisitely with reason in the present.  Use the love you have inside then you don't go too far!!!